The impending new year has me thinking about resolutions. We all make them, and usually all break them.
Lose weight, get fit, save money, stop smoking, get married, get divorced, take that trip... All very commendable goals. But the one thing I have learned these past 2 years is you have no idea what will happen in a day, let alone a year, and so you cannot plan for much. So I have hopes and ambitions for this year, and I will do my best to achieve them. And in my experience the bigger the list of goals, the more unlikely fulfilling them all are. Which only leads to disappointment and feelings of inadequacy.
I am going back to school. Whether a language class or an A-level, I am not yet sure. I certainly cannot afford a masters this year. But I miss education, I miss learning, I miss the thrill of reading academic texts and getting excited by them. Writing rebuttals to scholarly articles and analysing numerous sources. Spending hours discussing them with friends and having intellectual debates.
Maybe others can do it all - career, social life, relationship and study, but I am a woman of extremes and I cannot tolerate a half-arsed failing attempt at doing it all. And I have the self-awareness to recognise and acknowledge that in myself.
So this year, after the last 2 years of being all about others, I would like to be all about me.
Maybe that sounds selfish, but in my opinion it would be far more selfish to promise what I can't deliver and let people down.
Friday 30 December 2011
Thursday 29 December 2011
Santa and his presents
Ho ho ho. And a merry Christmas to all. Hope your holidays have been filled with love and laughter. Mine have.
I can genuinely say I am the happiest I have been in a while.
I am proud that I have neither overeaten or overdrunk this festive season. While the national average is a weight gain of 5 pounds, I have in fact lost 1. Perhaps that is a somewhat premature statement, but as I don't plan to drink on Nee Year's Eve I don't see it changing much in the space of 3 days, 2 of which I am working.
I have however been overindulging in 2 things. Textual flirtation, and thinking.
This festive season has given me a lot of food for thought.
Popular belief in Santa has two variants. In one, he has forgone marriage and family to devote his life to making the children of the world happy, and in the other he is blissfully wedded to mrs Claus. The elves are their extended adopted offspring and they all live together in jolly, gingerbread-scented obesity whilst manufacturing toys in a beautiful workshop all year round.
That's a nice story, but not a realistic portrayal of modern-day dating. Ignoring the health implications of their chosen lifestyle, as well as the idea of a woman happy to do nothing but please her man, the fact is life simply isn't like that.
A recent blog post by The wayward graduate certainly got me thinking. A very-well written and insightful exploration of what men may in fact truly want. But which rings several bells in my head - men prefer someone a bit simpler.
She conducted an experiment in online dating, in which she compared her own profile to a heavily edited one of herself, altered photgraphically and textually to make herself bimbo-esque. The bimbo received lots more messages. Thus proving the point that men like someone reasonably simple who they can have on their arm, who will laugh at their jokes, feed their egos and their bellies, and bend over backwards for them in the bedroom (both physically and metaphorically).
I am a complex individual. I cannot be put in a box or defined by a few simple adjectives. I too have been told I am intimidating, or at times that somewhat 'softer' word, feisty.
In my experience you get by in life by being strong, not curling up in a ball crying because of breaking a nail. And why on earth would I wish to perpetuate the female stereotype of feeble pathetic and emotional when such concepts are scorned? The women I am surrounded by are strong, courageous and passionate. That's definitely worth celebrating.
I know I am fiery and feisty. Lord knows my hair is bright enough. But these are not the only things about me. I too, like the wayward graduate, suspect that my public persona is somewhat scary to men. But rather than change who I am, play a role, I would rather be me and if a guy wants to get to know me then maybe he will be worth it. Put simply, if I am too much woman for him, he is not man enough for me.
I realise how that might sound. But being defensive is not my purpose here, this is just a statement of fact.
I meet guys. I meet a lot of guys. But it doesn't always quite get there. I suspect this is pretty common. The last 2 freely admitted they were drawn in by my passion, fire and independence. I suspect the Italian wasn't used to such things given the culture of women in his city. McGeeky Dick (formerly known as soul-scorcher) loved it but then tried to change me. Sod him.
Perhaps the men who can handle such women are either confident in themselves, or are nasty types who want to 'tame the bitch'. Who knows. But if you like someone when you get together, why the hell would you spend time trying to change them? The perennial question. But the real question is, what's the point in trying to be something you're not when the object of the exercise is to get close, love and be loved, for who you both are?
See link: http://waywardgraduate.wordpress.com/2011/12/27/plentyoffish-hall-of-shame-the-experiment/
And kudos to the wayward graduate - she has the courage to put her face to her blog while I hide behind the anonymity of a pen(blog?)name. The irony is I am actually quite private publicly, so I suppose I too have fallen into the trap of saying things on the Internet that one would not say publicly. But then being British, when do we ever discuss any such things in public public (excluding the pub)? To make myself feel somewhat better about this, I remind myself that in several mags there are the diaries of single women as they navigate the perils of dating in the urban jungle. Not that my little blog could hope to claim such readership levels - but I'm happy ticking along as I am.
And the other thing I have been doing - texting. Having thought I wouldn't see mcsexy again, and been extremely annoyed when a colleague lurched up to me drunkenly at the Xmas party and asked what was going on there as she had been 'reliably informed' we were getting together?! Two things love - one, is it any of your fucking business? Are we friends? Two - nothing had even happened! So admittedly I was rather surprised to get a text from him as he had got my number from a friend. Cue copious amounts of texting, including a few hours of extremely flirty ones.
But... 48 hours and 60+ texts exchanged, I'm a bit bored. I'm hoping he doesn't think of text as a valuable means to get a girl into bed. But I suspect his confidence means he's not too concerned with delivering the goods. Shame, because he talks a good game. And I'm sure we would have fun naked together. My imagination the last 48 hours has been very aroused and part of me thinks it would be fantastic.
But my suspicions that he is still stuck in the uni athlete mentality may prove correct. He ticks all the boxes but I don't think anything is going to happen. Nor am I totally sure I want it to. But I know I intrigue him and he likes being able to classify and define things.
I suspect I am something of a paradox. I want sex, but I want it to have more meaning than a hook-up. I definitely do not want a relationship, but neither do I want a fuck-buddy. And the idea of starting to date someone, then start sleeping together and both wondering where the hell this is going, is not a tempting prospect either.
Fearing that being single over Christmas would be gut-wrenchingly depressing, I have been pleasantly surprised to find it has been easier, and perhaps even more joyful. Compared to last year, when my ex and I were on the road to no recovery. And it is with full frankness I admit that having more money at this time of year has been enjoyable too. But the greatest thing about it is I have been able to do what I want, when I want. I have been able to go to all these parties and social events and not feel guilty or get crap about going. Which makes a pleasant change.
My ex wanted me to become a boring little housewife, and I did. But once that happened, he didn't like it.
I wanted mcsexy, and now I've had a few days of attention from him, I feel sated.
I guess when you get what you want, you stop wanting it. Or you realise it's not as shiny as it looked. But no matter - there are more things to life than sex!
Oh, and I realised who mr faceless is. Imagine my horror to walk into a family and friends do and see the man who does amazing things to you in your dreams smiling back at you. Nothing is going to happen there. I am adamant of that. And interestingly, I haven't dreamt of him again.
I can genuinely say I am the happiest I have been in a while.
I am proud that I have neither overeaten or overdrunk this festive season. While the national average is a weight gain of 5 pounds, I have in fact lost 1. Perhaps that is a somewhat premature statement, but as I don't plan to drink on Nee Year's Eve I don't see it changing much in the space of 3 days, 2 of which I am working.
I have however been overindulging in 2 things. Textual flirtation, and thinking.
This festive season has given me a lot of food for thought.
Popular belief in Santa has two variants. In one, he has forgone marriage and family to devote his life to making the children of the world happy, and in the other he is blissfully wedded to mrs Claus. The elves are their extended adopted offspring and they all live together in jolly, gingerbread-scented obesity whilst manufacturing toys in a beautiful workshop all year round.
That's a nice story, but not a realistic portrayal of modern-day dating. Ignoring the health implications of their chosen lifestyle, as well as the idea of a woman happy to do nothing but please her man, the fact is life simply isn't like that.
A recent blog post by The wayward graduate certainly got me thinking. A very-well written and insightful exploration of what men may in fact truly want. But which rings several bells in my head - men prefer someone a bit simpler.
She conducted an experiment in online dating, in which she compared her own profile to a heavily edited one of herself, altered photgraphically and textually to make herself bimbo-esque. The bimbo received lots more messages. Thus proving the point that men like someone reasonably simple who they can have on their arm, who will laugh at their jokes, feed their egos and their bellies, and bend over backwards for them in the bedroom (both physically and metaphorically).
I am a complex individual. I cannot be put in a box or defined by a few simple adjectives. I too have been told I am intimidating, or at times that somewhat 'softer' word, feisty.
In my experience you get by in life by being strong, not curling up in a ball crying because of breaking a nail. And why on earth would I wish to perpetuate the female stereotype of feeble pathetic and emotional when such concepts are scorned? The women I am surrounded by are strong, courageous and passionate. That's definitely worth celebrating.
I know I am fiery and feisty. Lord knows my hair is bright enough. But these are not the only things about me. I too, like the wayward graduate, suspect that my public persona is somewhat scary to men. But rather than change who I am, play a role, I would rather be me and if a guy wants to get to know me then maybe he will be worth it. Put simply, if I am too much woman for him, he is not man enough for me.
I realise how that might sound. But being defensive is not my purpose here, this is just a statement of fact.
I meet guys. I meet a lot of guys. But it doesn't always quite get there. I suspect this is pretty common. The last 2 freely admitted they were drawn in by my passion, fire and independence. I suspect the Italian wasn't used to such things given the culture of women in his city. McGeeky Dick (formerly known as soul-scorcher) loved it but then tried to change me. Sod him.
Perhaps the men who can handle such women are either confident in themselves, or are nasty types who want to 'tame the bitch'. Who knows. But if you like someone when you get together, why the hell would you spend time trying to change them? The perennial question. But the real question is, what's the point in trying to be something you're not when the object of the exercise is to get close, love and be loved, for who you both are?
See link: http://waywardgraduate.wordpress.com/2011/12/27/plentyoffish-hall-of-shame-the-experiment/
And kudos to the wayward graduate - she has the courage to put her face to her blog while I hide behind the anonymity of a pen(blog?)name. The irony is I am actually quite private publicly, so I suppose I too have fallen into the trap of saying things on the Internet that one would not say publicly. But then being British, when do we ever discuss any such things in public public (excluding the pub)? To make myself feel somewhat better about this, I remind myself that in several mags there are the diaries of single women as they navigate the perils of dating in the urban jungle. Not that my little blog could hope to claim such readership levels - but I'm happy ticking along as I am.
And the other thing I have been doing - texting. Having thought I wouldn't see mcsexy again, and been extremely annoyed when a colleague lurched up to me drunkenly at the Xmas party and asked what was going on there as she had been 'reliably informed' we were getting together?! Two things love - one, is it any of your fucking business? Are we friends? Two - nothing had even happened! So admittedly I was rather surprised to get a text from him as he had got my number from a friend. Cue copious amounts of texting, including a few hours of extremely flirty ones.
But... 48 hours and 60+ texts exchanged, I'm a bit bored. I'm hoping he doesn't think of text as a valuable means to get a girl into bed. But I suspect his confidence means he's not too concerned with delivering the goods. Shame, because he talks a good game. And I'm sure we would have fun naked together. My imagination the last 48 hours has been very aroused and part of me thinks it would be fantastic.
But my suspicions that he is still stuck in the uni athlete mentality may prove correct. He ticks all the boxes but I don't think anything is going to happen. Nor am I totally sure I want it to. But I know I intrigue him and he likes being able to classify and define things.
I suspect I am something of a paradox. I want sex, but I want it to have more meaning than a hook-up. I definitely do not want a relationship, but neither do I want a fuck-buddy. And the idea of starting to date someone, then start sleeping together and both wondering where the hell this is going, is not a tempting prospect either.
Fearing that being single over Christmas would be gut-wrenchingly depressing, I have been pleasantly surprised to find it has been easier, and perhaps even more joyful. Compared to last year, when my ex and I were on the road to no recovery. And it is with full frankness I admit that having more money at this time of year has been enjoyable too. But the greatest thing about it is I have been able to do what I want, when I want. I have been able to go to all these parties and social events and not feel guilty or get crap about going. Which makes a pleasant change.
My ex wanted me to become a boring little housewife, and I did. But once that happened, he didn't like it.
I wanted mcsexy, and now I've had a few days of attention from him, I feel sated.
I guess when you get what you want, you stop wanting it. Or you realise it's not as shiny as it looked. But no matter - there are more things to life than sex!
Oh, and I realised who mr faceless is. Imagine my horror to walk into a family and friends do and see the man who does amazing things to you in your dreams smiling back at you. Nothing is going to happen there. I am adamant of that. And interestingly, I haven't dreamt of him again.
A not-so-cold December
It's been an extremely interesting week. In the space of 6 days I went from having noone, to having several situations.
One, several colleagues trying to set me and another coworker up together. Easy to laugh off, but then once I realised he did actually care for me I felt bloody awkward. I'd love it if he and I could be friends but time will tell. The annoying thing is I feel really comfortable around him, like he truly gets me, but the problem is he's too lazy. Given my efforts to get my lazy ex moving and doing, I am not inclined to repeat the same mistake. But I don't want to hurt him.
Two, the perennial flirt. The colleague who is tactile, friendly and always has his group around him. It's nice he is so socially inclusive, but when I started getting texts from him after his nights out, I realised it was time to remind him that he does in fact have a girlfriend. Add to this the fact there is something going on between him and another colleague and that's a pickle I really don't want.
Three, mcsexy. Oh he is beautiful. But having initially thought he was gay, and thus been totally myself around him, I was pretty shocked to realise he was straight and flirting with me. Saw him a few times after that but nothing happened. But damn he awoke my libido!
So that's my update. A hell of a lot of crazy man-related stuff. But still not breaking the celibacy rule. I know the point of this was no man-stuff whatsoever, but realistically - how realistic was that?! If I interact with people, I will inevitably meet guys. It's my actions that count not my feelings. The purpose was to change my behaviour and I am definitely doing that. So perhaps I need to stop being so hard on myself.
One, several colleagues trying to set me and another coworker up together. Easy to laugh off, but then once I realised he did actually care for me I felt bloody awkward. I'd love it if he and I could be friends but time will tell. The annoying thing is I feel really comfortable around him, like he truly gets me, but the problem is he's too lazy. Given my efforts to get my lazy ex moving and doing, I am not inclined to repeat the same mistake. But I don't want to hurt him.
Two, the perennial flirt. The colleague who is tactile, friendly and always has his group around him. It's nice he is so socially inclusive, but when I started getting texts from him after his nights out, I realised it was time to remind him that he does in fact have a girlfriend. Add to this the fact there is something going on between him and another colleague and that's a pickle I really don't want.
Three, mcsexy. Oh he is beautiful. But having initially thought he was gay, and thus been totally myself around him, I was pretty shocked to realise he was straight and flirting with me. Saw him a few times after that but nothing happened. But damn he awoke my libido!
So that's my update. A hell of a lot of crazy man-related stuff. But still not breaking the celibacy rule. I know the point of this was no man-stuff whatsoever, but realistically - how realistic was that?! If I interact with people, I will inevitably meet guys. It's my actions that count not my feelings. The purpose was to change my behaviour and I am definitely doing that. So perhaps I need to stop being so hard on myself.
Monday 26 December 2011
The man affect
I am confident, I am articulate and I am educated. I am a social chameleon who can talk to pretty much anyone in a variety of settings.
So why the hell do I turn into a wibbering tongue-tied wreck when I talk to guys? And when a guy texts me, why do I never know what to respond, try to be funny and end up feeling a right idiot wishing there was a recall button on texts?
I think I need to simply accept the fact that no men are into me - or the ones I want to be, are not. And the ones that do fancy me I don't fancy.
So with this fact in mind, my philosophy is altered thus - I will treat any guy like a girl and therefore get rid of the sex question.
From now on, I am asexual.
So why the hell do I turn into a wibbering tongue-tied wreck when I talk to guys? And when a guy texts me, why do I never know what to respond, try to be funny and end up feeling a right idiot wishing there was a recall button on texts?
I think I need to simply accept the fact that no men are into me - or the ones I want to be, are not. And the ones that do fancy me I don't fancy.
So with this fact in mind, my philosophy is altered thus - I will treat any guy like a girl and therefore get rid of the sex question.
From now on, I am asexual.
Monday 12 December 2011
Tranquility
I want a drama free existence. But it is my experience that the higher the drama, the hotter the sex. Maybe something to do with anticipation and not getting what you want when you want it? Or maybe drama makes for better passion.
So my choice that I don't want drama is fine by me. I'm happy without a man - not that I've met one in months anyway! But it's much better for me and my life this way.
So my choice that I don't want drama is fine by me. I'm happy without a man - not that I've met one in months anyway! But it's much better for me and my life this way.
2nd December
I'm thinking about choices today. It's not our thoughts that define how we are seen or who we are, but out actions.
Working where I work, smoking is the biggest sin, and I feel like a dirty drug addict when I smoke anywhere near the office.
We choose to smoke, and then we have no choice once addiction takes hold. We know what it does to us, so why do we do it?
In my office I think it is less of a sin to date a colleague than smoke. But to me it is worse.
Working where I work, smoking is the biggest sin, and I feel like a dirty drug addict when I smoke anywhere near the office.
We choose to smoke, and then we have no choice once addiction takes hold. We know what it does to us, so why do we do it?
In my office I think it is less of a sin to date a colleague than smoke. But to me it is worse.
1st December
I'm horny as hell today and it's driving me nuts. I really don't want to be. It's been almost 4 months since I got laid and I'm craving it. Really craving it. To the point that it's becoming a distraction from work. I don't have enough to do at work this week, but that will change once my boss comes back from hol. It's not good that there are so many attractive guys at work. Floppyhaired and I keep meeting at the photocopier, completely coincidentally, but I'm not going there. He seems nice, but I want to reach for the stars with my next man, not settle for nice. If I'm going to invest in something I need to know it will be worth it, in every sense. Plus I work with him, so that's a total no-no. But I miss having a workplace flirtation.
But this burning suppressed fire is really not helped by my cold veggie sausages looking like limp dicks in my lunchbox. Couldn't eat them after that.
This is so frustrating. I have no idea why my libido has returned when it went dormant for a while. I really wish it would bugger off again so I can get back to my year of self-imposed celibacy.
But this burning suppressed fire is really not helped by my cold veggie sausages looking like limp dicks in my lunchbox. Couldn't eat them after that.
This is so frustrating. I have no idea why my libido has returned when it went dormant for a while. I really wish it would bugger off again so I can get back to my year of self-imposed celibacy.
Ouch - 30th November
So a text row with my ex wasn't exactly the way I wanted to spend my day off. Hardly a relaxing Saturday.
Much as I think he should be considering my point of view, I get why he feels the way he feels and I wish I could take the hurt away. But our split was not out of the blue and he's kidding himself that there were no clues and I am the wicked witch of Essex.
But I do miss him. And I'm hurting knowing how bad he feels. His emotions are tied to mine, he is the love of my life. But I love him too much to settle and get back with him. I wouldn't be happy and neither would he. He deserves someone who loves him and wants the same things he does. At the moment, I want a career. And a good figure. A fuck buddy would be nice, but let's not be greedy. I want to stick to my vow, because I'll feel an utter failure if I don't. Plus I feel pretty fat right now so getting naked = self consciousness and that is not a turn on. And reason three, I have no potentials. There's a few cute guys at work, but that would be a recipe for utter disaster. Especially if it went wrong and/or public.
There's one guy in particular who says hi. He seems sweet, a bit geeky, nice eyes. Just my previous type. He's kinda cute. And a nice distraction from the doldrums of the photocopier. He has thick glossy slightly-too-long hair which I really want to run my hands through. I like guys with hair. But I'm not sure I actually fancy him or if I'm just a bit bored. Or maybe I go for guys slightly below me because of confidence issues. But hot guys don't really want me. Them's the breaks.
I know it's not ladylike to admit you don't want marriage, that you love sex and it takes a lot for a guy to keep you satisfied. But at least I have the courage of conviction to look inside myself and be honest. I want to play around, date a bunch of people and laugh. Have fun. Be free of marital and domestic chains which have weighed me down for so long. The thing I know I want to not do is hurt people. There's no need to intentionally cause someone else pain.
The problem with going shopping for a particular dress is you never find it. That is unless you already have selected it and know it fits. But even then the store might have run out of your size or colour. It's when you are just browsing, not on a mission, that you find something fabulous or a bargain. Or you go to purchase something you saw in a magazine and realise how ugly it is once in your hands.
All of the above can be applied to dating. Prowling, selecting and pouncing. Cat metaphors seem oddly appropriate. But what I'd really like to do is date a few, casually see how it goes and just have fun with a few guys (note-DATE, not fuck). But this presents 2 problems - one, I'd break my vow (as it's to do with all romantic escapades, not just sex). And two, there are no prospects. That fact is slightly depressing, but I see it as part of everything happens for a reason - I need to be single so I can have fun, get fit, save some money, and focus on my career. To those who might consider that a poor replacement for love, consider this - it was ten years of dating which got me into such a mess in the first place. I was essentially a married middle aged woman, which was the fault of both of us. No doubt me becoming what he actually wanted was a turn off - once the anticipation is gone and you have nothing to push for, you get bored very quickly. I know this fact from personal experience.
Reading through this, I've realised perhaps I am on the defensive because I am heartbroken it didn't work out with my ex, because I invested so much and always believed it would get better. But with only one of us willing to make any changes, we didn't have a chance. And I am not laying down and dying, I am picking myself up and starting again. A Phoenix from the flames. But a casual fling or three would sure take the edge off. And sex is good for you, it's a medically proven fact. So I guess I'll stick with 5 fruit and veg a day. It just sucks to be starving myself when I am such a passionate, sexual person. Especially when I think I have been doing this months now, and I'm still craving sex. But I think crap sex would make me feel even worse, so I'll wait for a good fuck to come along. Next year. And when I do, I will bloody well enjoy it.
Much as I think he should be considering my point of view, I get why he feels the way he feels and I wish I could take the hurt away. But our split was not out of the blue and he's kidding himself that there were no clues and I am the wicked witch of Essex.
But I do miss him. And I'm hurting knowing how bad he feels. His emotions are tied to mine, he is the love of my life. But I love him too much to settle and get back with him. I wouldn't be happy and neither would he. He deserves someone who loves him and wants the same things he does. At the moment, I want a career. And a good figure. A fuck buddy would be nice, but let's not be greedy. I want to stick to my vow, because I'll feel an utter failure if I don't. Plus I feel pretty fat right now so getting naked = self consciousness and that is not a turn on. And reason three, I have no potentials. There's a few cute guys at work, but that would be a recipe for utter disaster. Especially if it went wrong and/or public.
There's one guy in particular who says hi. He seems sweet, a bit geeky, nice eyes. Just my previous type. He's kinda cute. And a nice distraction from the doldrums of the photocopier. He has thick glossy slightly-too-long hair which I really want to run my hands through. I like guys with hair. But I'm not sure I actually fancy him or if I'm just a bit bored. Or maybe I go for guys slightly below me because of confidence issues. But hot guys don't really want me. Them's the breaks.
I know it's not ladylike to admit you don't want marriage, that you love sex and it takes a lot for a guy to keep you satisfied. But at least I have the courage of conviction to look inside myself and be honest. I want to play around, date a bunch of people and laugh. Have fun. Be free of marital and domestic chains which have weighed me down for so long. The thing I know I want to not do is hurt people. There's no need to intentionally cause someone else pain.
The problem with going shopping for a particular dress is you never find it. That is unless you already have selected it and know it fits. But even then the store might have run out of your size or colour. It's when you are just browsing, not on a mission, that you find something fabulous or a bargain. Or you go to purchase something you saw in a magazine and realise how ugly it is once in your hands.
All of the above can be applied to dating. Prowling, selecting and pouncing. Cat metaphors seem oddly appropriate. But what I'd really like to do is date a few, casually see how it goes and just have fun with a few guys (note-DATE, not fuck). But this presents 2 problems - one, I'd break my vow (as it's to do with all romantic escapades, not just sex). And two, there are no prospects. That fact is slightly depressing, but I see it as part of everything happens for a reason - I need to be single so I can have fun, get fit, save some money, and focus on my career. To those who might consider that a poor replacement for love, consider this - it was ten years of dating which got me into such a mess in the first place. I was essentially a married middle aged woman, which was the fault of both of us. No doubt me becoming what he actually wanted was a turn off - once the anticipation is gone and you have nothing to push for, you get bored very quickly. I know this fact from personal experience.
Reading through this, I've realised perhaps I am on the defensive because I am heartbroken it didn't work out with my ex, because I invested so much and always believed it would get better. But with only one of us willing to make any changes, we didn't have a chance. And I am not laying down and dying, I am picking myself up and starting again. A Phoenix from the flames. But a casual fling or three would sure take the edge off. And sex is good for you, it's a medically proven fact. So I guess I'll stick with 5 fruit and veg a day. It just sucks to be starving myself when I am such a passionate, sexual person. Especially when I think I have been doing this months now, and I'm still craving sex. But I think crap sex would make me feel even worse, so I'll wait for a good fuck to come along. Next year. And when I do, I will bloody well enjoy it.
You can't hide from yourself - 27th November
The last couple of nights I have been waking to rather strange dreams. A faceless man - as in, I can see his features but I don't know who he is - is making love to me and encouraging me to look in his eyes as I climax.
On the tube at rush hour an extremely gorgeous rugby player was pushed up against me. His butt kept knocking into my elbow. Pure muscle. And I realised how powerful he must be.
It was nice to be in the vicinity of an attractive guy for a change. But the annoying thing was it aroused my libido from it's winter slumber. Bugger. Thus today has been spent in a somewhat more sexually aware state. Really not helped by a new office with a lot of sexy men. The nature of the organisation and the work means they are probably decent guys too. But as I want to forge a career at this company there is no way in hell I am breaking my rule and dating someone from work. That's assuming, of course, that any of them find me attractive. Which I seriously doubt.
So in order to get this out of my system I'm going to do what I have so far avoided doing. I'm going to discuss physical detail.
I miss having the weight of my man on top of me. I miss his hips pushing my legs wider apart as he thrusts. I miss wrapping my thighs around his flank and crushing him. I miss raking my nails down his back, biting his shoulder and arching into him. I miss grabbing his bum and pushing him into me, rocking together in rhythmic unison. I miss passionate kisses as we both take great pleasure in what we are doing. I miss how good his dick can make my pussy feel. I miss him biting kissing and licking the place where my shoulder meets my neck. I miss how the tiniest, softest touch can make me go crazy. I miss how much harder I came with him than on my own. I miss rolling around on the floor, bed, sofa. I miss good sex injuries - carpet burn back, burnt arse from doing it on the oven, backache from the physical challenge of doing it in the shower.
In short, I miss sex! And I think these dreams, as much as they are primarily about trust and intimacy, are also showing me what I already knew - I am a sexual being, and I need to get laid. But as much as I know that, I also know the difference between fantasy and reality, and I respect my mental and physical health too much to just go out and shag the first dick available. In fact I'm so committed to this lifestyle, I'm not even going to buy a rabbit.
On the tube at rush hour an extremely gorgeous rugby player was pushed up against me. His butt kept knocking into my elbow. Pure muscle. And I realised how powerful he must be.
It was nice to be in the vicinity of an attractive guy for a change. But the annoying thing was it aroused my libido from it's winter slumber. Bugger. Thus today has been spent in a somewhat more sexually aware state. Really not helped by a new office with a lot of sexy men. The nature of the organisation and the work means they are probably decent guys too. But as I want to forge a career at this company there is no way in hell I am breaking my rule and dating someone from work. That's assuming, of course, that any of them find me attractive. Which I seriously doubt.
So in order to get this out of my system I'm going to do what I have so far avoided doing. I'm going to discuss physical detail.
I miss having the weight of my man on top of me. I miss his hips pushing my legs wider apart as he thrusts. I miss wrapping my thighs around his flank and crushing him. I miss raking my nails down his back, biting his shoulder and arching into him. I miss grabbing his bum and pushing him into me, rocking together in rhythmic unison. I miss passionate kisses as we both take great pleasure in what we are doing. I miss how good his dick can make my pussy feel. I miss him biting kissing and licking the place where my shoulder meets my neck. I miss how the tiniest, softest touch can make me go crazy. I miss how much harder I came with him than on my own. I miss rolling around on the floor, bed, sofa. I miss good sex injuries - carpet burn back, burnt arse from doing it on the oven, backache from the physical challenge of doing it in the shower.
In short, I miss sex! And I think these dreams, as much as they are primarily about trust and intimacy, are also showing me what I already knew - I am a sexual being, and I need to get laid. But as much as I know that, I also know the difference between fantasy and reality, and I respect my mental and physical health too much to just go out and shag the first dick available. In fact I'm so committed to this lifestyle, I'm not even going to buy a rabbit.
Life is cyclical. There are always new things being born, things growing. Deprived areas of cities are improved, new buildings erected, new things developed.
I feel that my life was in a circle for long time. But now I feel lucky to have the chance to reevaluate. Having introspected, I have now stepped out of the cycle. It's wonderful. The difference this time around is, I feel like there are new and exciting opportunities for me, and I'm not waiting for the next guy to come along and pick me up. I'm working for a fantastic organisation, and actually relishing the fact that my life revolves around my career and not a man for the first time in perhaps forever.
In this vein, I am really excited at the prospect of being the cat lady this weekend. I'll have the house to myself, curl up with my duvet on the sofa and watch DVDs. And see my friends too, but I love the idea of the chance to do this. I don't want to become an old cat spinster, as I would like to find love again and I don't want to be old and alone. But its nice to have a break from relationships and be me for a while. It's nice to not be scared to be single. I love that my libido has deserted me and I don't feel enslaved by desire or men.
I feel that my life was in a circle for long time. But now I feel lucky to have the chance to reevaluate. Having introspected, I have now stepped out of the cycle. It's wonderful. The difference this time around is, I feel like there are new and exciting opportunities for me, and I'm not waiting for the next guy to come along and pick me up. I'm working for a fantastic organisation, and actually relishing the fact that my life revolves around my career and not a man for the first time in perhaps forever.
In this vein, I am really excited at the prospect of being the cat lady this weekend. I'll have the house to myself, curl up with my duvet on the sofa and watch DVDs. And see my friends too, but I love the idea of the chance to do this. I don't want to become an old cat spinster, as I would like to find love again and I don't want to be old and alone. But its nice to have a break from relationships and be me for a while. It's nice to not be scared to be single. I love that my libido has deserted me and I don't feel enslaved by desire or men.
Now the other side of the coin - 25th November
So, having criticised my gender, in the interests of equality I will now do the same of men. I believe in gender equality. And as much as I wish as I could say I believe in a healthy balance and moderation, it's not something I really tend to live. The yin and yang theory calls for balance.
As for me, I believe in hedonism, the pursuit of pleasure above all else. Why should life be difficult? Unfortunately, although the pleasure-pain balance is not something I ascribe to, in my experience it seems to be true. And I'm not such an active hedonist anymore, as you may have gathered reading this blog.
But I digress. What's new there Phoenix.
There is a horrific amount of domestic abuse and sexual violence perpetrated by men. 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse. Government figures on rape are woefully lower than the reality, as so many attacks go unreported. But not every guy is like that. Sadly they are not easy to spot, but there are some good men out there.
I'm not going on a massive rant against men. Especially given that no-one is perfect. But a little honesty and communication would be greatly appreciated. Is it really so bloody difficult to open up about how you feel? You don't have to tell the world, but you SHOULD talk to the person you say you love. And be clear and straight about what you actually mean. Be aware of how your words can be taken.
Oh, and a couple of other things while I'm at it - appreciate that women sometimes cry for no particular reason, and consider doing housework on occasion - it's not the woman's job. Gender stereotypes are ridiculously outdated. And don't leave the toilet seat up. And watch where you pee.
There's a lot in the media about the new man, but given men's ages, how long they have been subjected to certain ideas, our culture and the impact of ascribed gender from a young age, change will be a slow process. The guys I meet certainly don't seem to be new men. I'd never seek to emasculate a man, but a little introspection, compassion and appreciation would go a long way.
As for me, I believe in hedonism, the pursuit of pleasure above all else. Why should life be difficult? Unfortunately, although the pleasure-pain balance is not something I ascribe to, in my experience it seems to be true. And I'm not such an active hedonist anymore, as you may have gathered reading this blog.
But I digress. What's new there Phoenix.
There is a horrific amount of domestic abuse and sexual violence perpetrated by men. 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse. Government figures on rape are woefully lower than the reality, as so many attacks go unreported. But not every guy is like that. Sadly they are not easy to spot, but there are some good men out there.
I'm not going on a massive rant against men. Especially given that no-one is perfect. But a little honesty and communication would be greatly appreciated. Is it really so bloody difficult to open up about how you feel? You don't have to tell the world, but you SHOULD talk to the person you say you love. And be clear and straight about what you actually mean. Be aware of how your words can be taken.
Oh, and a couple of other things while I'm at it - appreciate that women sometimes cry for no particular reason, and consider doing housework on occasion - it's not the woman's job. Gender stereotypes are ridiculously outdated. And don't leave the toilet seat up. And watch where you pee.
There's a lot in the media about the new man, but given men's ages, how long they have been subjected to certain ideas, our culture and the impact of ascribed gender from a young age, change will be a slow process. The guys I meet certainly don't seem to be new men. I'd never seek to emasculate a man, but a little introspection, compassion and appreciation would go a long way.
Women - 24th November
Witnessing an argument on the train today, I realised something pretty profound. Women can be very selfish creatures.
Never mind that screaming at someone down the phone on a full train is bloody bad manners, not to mention the question of why on earth you wouldn't mind so many people witnessing you in such an emotional state.
I have no idea who the guy at the end of the phone was, but he was certainly getting it. And not in a good way.
We throw our hearts into it, get carried away fantasising about the wedding, what the kids will look like and redesigning the living room. Men are a tad more rational and approach things with caution. Yes they may like you but it's doubtful they are picturing you in your bridal underwear after 2 dates. Underwear maybe. But doing so is being sloppy with your emotions and is probably incapable of the emotional maturity required to sustain a healthy adult relationship.
We expect so much of our men. We expect them to be the perfect man, our white knights, and put so much pressure on them to be that. Yet this doesn't account for the fact that they have feelings, bad days, and make mistakes. Same as us.
There's also the little problem of every woman being different. By our mid twenties most of us will have dated more than one person. Thus several different people with very different ideas experiences and beliefs. So how is a guy supposed to know what to do? All relationships are complicated. So why do we put so much pressure on romantic ones? We're essentially setting ourselves up to fail.
How much do we recognise their needs? They have feelings, vulnerabilities and dreams too. We complain about societal pressures on us to look a certain way, but we would do well to remember that there's also a shit load of societal pressures on them to front, maintain face, and be a 'real man'. We essentially expect them to prop us up, complete us, and be the strong silent type. So why do we complain when they are quiet? So much is made of what women want. And yes it would be helpful if some of them had more of a clue. But how can they when we ourselves don't know what we want? What about what men want?
We put everything on ourselves. What did I do wrong? Why is he being quiet over dinner? I text him ages ago, why hasn't he replied? He's not got his hands all over me tonight, do I smell?look fat?
If I tire myself out with my neurosis, fuck knows what it does to my poor boyfriend.
But there's a reason why there's more focus on women trying to change men than the other way round. Problem is, we're still not satisfied. How long will it take women to realise they need to deal with their own issues and let him be? If he really needs that much of an emotional overhaul,let him go.
Even when we split we still expect them to be there for us emotionally. God knows I've had a few break ups where the 'let's stay friends' adage has been taken literally by yours truly. Looking back, I have no idea how I thought it made sense to be comforted through the split by the guy I'm leaving. WTF?! It was also extremely selfish as it doesn't give them any room to deal. And it was pretty selfish of me to get involved with a new guy when I'm still in contact, and love, with the ex. I've lost count of how many times I did that, especially at uni. We bitch to our friends that his ex is still on the scene, but how is it fair if we do that to them?
After a split at uni, I threw myself into dating lots of other guys. I was still working with my ex, and started messing around with our colleague. Dunno if my ex knew, but that was pretty selfish. And about 6 months after that, I had 3 guys on the go simultaneously. What's wrong with that, you might think. Guys do it all the time. The problem came when I skipped a period. I was using condoms with all of them, I use condoms religiously, don't go without. It turned out to be a stress skip, but that made me realise I was actually hurting myself. So ceased sleeping with 2 of them. But had I been pregnant, I would have had no idea whose it was. Possible fatherhood-but-can't-confirm-it-until-the-baby-comes is not something I ever want to inflict on a man. It's also rather scuzzy and worthy of Jeremy Kyle. We watch it on days off and laugh at the losers, but who seriously wants to be one of them?!
I also tend to over-romanticise and remember them as better than they were once it's over. I spent about 2 weeks doing this with my most recent ex until a couple of my friends gave me a reality check. Which I was shocked by but came to appreciate. But until that point I kept daydreaming about him turning up at work,telling me he loved me and wanted to try again. Keep dreaming Phoenix.
We both knew it was over, so why would he do that to himself? At least men get that when its over, its over. And I didn't want him back so why did I keep imagining that there would be a dramatic romantic reunion? Because I am a woman and I have seen too many movies.
No wonder men are so bloody reluctant to commit, it's a nightmare to get out of once you're in. We push them into committing, nag them to be better people, put ridiculous pressures on them, and complain about their mothers. Yet we are more like mothers to them than we want to believe.
We complain when our parents make us feel inadequate and fail to live up to expectations,disappointing them. It's a horrid feeling and something a friend of mine is still struggling with into his thirties. So how is it fair to inflict that on the men we claim to love, the men we have pledged to support as equal partners? It's not.
"to really love a woman, you have to know her deep inside". Yes I am quoting Bryan Adams. Because it is true. To love someone is to know someone. That takes time and cannot be rushed. Women confuse lust and the heady intense attraction for something more and open themselves up emotionally and thus fall harder when it ends. Men take their time getting to know you.
My relationships which lasted have been the ones in which we don't rush into bed. Waiting, dating and taking it slow are unfortunately the keys to a successful lasting partnership. Unfortunately for my libido, these tend to be the ones with less sex. Trivial you might think, but given my propensity for boosting self esteem through male attention, the more passion decreases, the more my insecurities play out and I become a bit neurotic. Or dispassionate. Either way, not good. Hence hoping this break will help me get strong enough not to depend on a man. Or several men.
The overwhelming majority of music tends to be about love. Getting together, tough times and breaking up.
For real singer-songwriters it probably is genuine emotion. But for record companies (read: Simon Cowell) they know love songs are gold mines, as women will buy into it.
Men aren't necessary cold bastards.
Sometimes they just don't know what to say. Often their emotional antennae are shorter than women's. But this is not always the case - sometimes women are so subsumed in their own dramas they cannot see what's happening in the rest of the world. Does the woman now sobbing loudly care that one in 3 people in this carriage are or have been affected by cancer? Or that others are in the throes of divorce and her excessively noisy outburst is probably reminding others of their pain? I feel for her, I'm not a complete bitch. But there is a time and a place and this is most definitely not it. A lot of people on this train are very tired and just want to get home in peace.
Maybe the best thing is to cut all ties completely, walk away with your head held high and eventually subscribe them to the romantic graveyard in your heart. Grieve, cry to your friends, eat ridiculous amounts of ice cream, but don't let him know. Cos all youve got for him to remember you by is your dignity in the face of tough times. Because not only is he dealing with his own feelings about the split, listening to you and seeing you become a psycho bitch will just confirm to him that the split was the right thing. Not only that, but you'll look like a right idiot to his friends, and if they're mutual friends, you're not just breaking up with him. And you will need your friends to get you threw the breakup.
Today I find myself missing my ex ex. He was the love of my life and I'll always love him. I can't regret the split because he deserves to be with someone who wants to be a wife, settle down and give him all he needs.
But I feel bad about the mistakes I made with him. I can't go back, I can't change anything, but I can learn and take those lessons on board so that once I'm a better person, and meet a good man, I won't be such a woman about it. But I'll be a lot more balanced, cautious and rational about the whole thing.
Men get a bad press, but how are they ever supposed to be everything we expect and need them to be?
Never mind that screaming at someone down the phone on a full train is bloody bad manners, not to mention the question of why on earth you wouldn't mind so many people witnessing you in such an emotional state.
I have no idea who the guy at the end of the phone was, but he was certainly getting it. And not in a good way.
We throw our hearts into it, get carried away fantasising about the wedding, what the kids will look like and redesigning the living room. Men are a tad more rational and approach things with caution. Yes they may like you but it's doubtful they are picturing you in your bridal underwear after 2 dates. Underwear maybe. But doing so is being sloppy with your emotions and is probably incapable of the emotional maturity required to sustain a healthy adult relationship.
We expect so much of our men. We expect them to be the perfect man, our white knights, and put so much pressure on them to be that. Yet this doesn't account for the fact that they have feelings, bad days, and make mistakes. Same as us.
There's also the little problem of every woman being different. By our mid twenties most of us will have dated more than one person. Thus several different people with very different ideas experiences and beliefs. So how is a guy supposed to know what to do? All relationships are complicated. So why do we put so much pressure on romantic ones? We're essentially setting ourselves up to fail.
How much do we recognise their needs? They have feelings, vulnerabilities and dreams too. We complain about societal pressures on us to look a certain way, but we would do well to remember that there's also a shit load of societal pressures on them to front, maintain face, and be a 'real man'. We essentially expect them to prop us up, complete us, and be the strong silent type. So why do we complain when they are quiet? So much is made of what women want. And yes it would be helpful if some of them had more of a clue. But how can they when we ourselves don't know what we want? What about what men want?
We put everything on ourselves. What did I do wrong? Why is he being quiet over dinner? I text him ages ago, why hasn't he replied? He's not got his hands all over me tonight, do I smell?look fat?
If I tire myself out with my neurosis, fuck knows what it does to my poor boyfriend.
But there's a reason why there's more focus on women trying to change men than the other way round. Problem is, we're still not satisfied. How long will it take women to realise they need to deal with their own issues and let him be? If he really needs that much of an emotional overhaul,let him go.
Even when we split we still expect them to be there for us emotionally. God knows I've had a few break ups where the 'let's stay friends' adage has been taken literally by yours truly. Looking back, I have no idea how I thought it made sense to be comforted through the split by the guy I'm leaving. WTF?! It was also extremely selfish as it doesn't give them any room to deal. And it was pretty selfish of me to get involved with a new guy when I'm still in contact, and love, with the ex. I've lost count of how many times I did that, especially at uni. We bitch to our friends that his ex is still on the scene, but how is it fair if we do that to them?
After a split at uni, I threw myself into dating lots of other guys. I was still working with my ex, and started messing around with our colleague. Dunno if my ex knew, but that was pretty selfish. And about 6 months after that, I had 3 guys on the go simultaneously. What's wrong with that, you might think. Guys do it all the time. The problem came when I skipped a period. I was using condoms with all of them, I use condoms religiously, don't go without. It turned out to be a stress skip, but that made me realise I was actually hurting myself. So ceased sleeping with 2 of them. But had I been pregnant, I would have had no idea whose it was. Possible fatherhood-but-can't-confirm-it-until-the-baby-comes is not something I ever want to inflict on a man. It's also rather scuzzy and worthy of Jeremy Kyle. We watch it on days off and laugh at the losers, but who seriously wants to be one of them?!
I also tend to over-romanticise and remember them as better than they were once it's over. I spent about 2 weeks doing this with my most recent ex until a couple of my friends gave me a reality check. Which I was shocked by but came to appreciate. But until that point I kept daydreaming about him turning up at work,telling me he loved me and wanted to try again. Keep dreaming Phoenix.
We both knew it was over, so why would he do that to himself? At least men get that when its over, its over. And I didn't want him back so why did I keep imagining that there would be a dramatic romantic reunion? Because I am a woman and I have seen too many movies.
No wonder men are so bloody reluctant to commit, it's a nightmare to get out of once you're in. We push them into committing, nag them to be better people, put ridiculous pressures on them, and complain about their mothers. Yet we are more like mothers to them than we want to believe.
We complain when our parents make us feel inadequate and fail to live up to expectations,disappointing them. It's a horrid feeling and something a friend of mine is still struggling with into his thirties. So how is it fair to inflict that on the men we claim to love, the men we have pledged to support as equal partners? It's not.
"to really love a woman, you have to know her deep inside". Yes I am quoting Bryan Adams. Because it is true. To love someone is to know someone. That takes time and cannot be rushed. Women confuse lust and the heady intense attraction for something more and open themselves up emotionally and thus fall harder when it ends. Men take their time getting to know you.
My relationships which lasted have been the ones in which we don't rush into bed. Waiting, dating and taking it slow are unfortunately the keys to a successful lasting partnership. Unfortunately for my libido, these tend to be the ones with less sex. Trivial you might think, but given my propensity for boosting self esteem through male attention, the more passion decreases, the more my insecurities play out and I become a bit neurotic. Or dispassionate. Either way, not good. Hence hoping this break will help me get strong enough not to depend on a man. Or several men.
The overwhelming majority of music tends to be about love. Getting together, tough times and breaking up.
For real singer-songwriters it probably is genuine emotion. But for record companies (read: Simon Cowell) they know love songs are gold mines, as women will buy into it.
Men aren't necessary cold bastards.
Sometimes they just don't know what to say. Often their emotional antennae are shorter than women's. But this is not always the case - sometimes women are so subsumed in their own dramas they cannot see what's happening in the rest of the world. Does the woman now sobbing loudly care that one in 3 people in this carriage are or have been affected by cancer? Or that others are in the throes of divorce and her excessively noisy outburst is probably reminding others of their pain? I feel for her, I'm not a complete bitch. But there is a time and a place and this is most definitely not it. A lot of people on this train are very tired and just want to get home in peace.
Maybe the best thing is to cut all ties completely, walk away with your head held high and eventually subscribe them to the romantic graveyard in your heart. Grieve, cry to your friends, eat ridiculous amounts of ice cream, but don't let him know. Cos all youve got for him to remember you by is your dignity in the face of tough times. Because not only is he dealing with his own feelings about the split, listening to you and seeing you become a psycho bitch will just confirm to him that the split was the right thing. Not only that, but you'll look like a right idiot to his friends, and if they're mutual friends, you're not just breaking up with him. And you will need your friends to get you threw the breakup.
Today I find myself missing my ex ex. He was the love of my life and I'll always love him. I can't regret the split because he deserves to be with someone who wants to be a wife, settle down and give him all he needs.
But I feel bad about the mistakes I made with him. I can't go back, I can't change anything, but I can learn and take those lessons on board so that once I'm a better person, and meet a good man, I won't be such a woman about it. But I'll be a lot more balanced, cautious and rational about the whole thing.
Men get a bad press, but how are they ever supposed to be everything we expect and need them to be?
23rd November
As anyone who has ever written anything knows, inspiration does not always appear at the most opportune times. I frequently find myself with only a pen and paper and no Internet access when the muse hits. Mind you, that's probably a blessing as it means I have a chance to re-read, edit and organise my thoughts, so I don't blog too much shite. In theory....
Standing outside the train station today, I was fortunate to have the 'pleasure' of listening to a group of Chavs. Minding my own business and quietly finishing my cigarette, I did my best to act as though I couldn't hear them. Lucky me, they were loudly and unashamedly discussing their sex lives. Or as they referred to it, 'shagging'.
Don't get me wrong I have used this verb myself in the past. I have even shagged. But there is something so crude, so scuzzy about this that I couldn't help starting to think.
The purpose of this blog was to help keep me on track. It was not started as a break-up diary, nor an anti-men rant, nor the space for a bitter washed up old housewife to be venemous. I'm aware that some of my posts are not as positive as they could be. But they will never be contrived or written for an audience. This is an honest, accurate reflection of what I feel most days. As with other people, my moods go up and down. The difference is, I'm being honest and admitting that I am not always Little Miss Sunshine, and that I have feelings and thoughts.
Neither was it designed to be a graphically detailed account of my sex life.
It has become clear to me that this is also serving as a good account of my feelings the last few months, and that is no bad thing. Only by realising what emotions I have experienced the last few months, as in seeing it written in black, white and shades of blue, can I truly undertake the self-realisation and introspection that I hope will enlighten me and make me a better person.
Don't get me wrong I have used this verb myself in the past. I have even shagged. But there is something so crude, so scuzzy about this that I couldn't help starting to think.
The purpose of this blog was to help keep me on track. It was not started as a break-up diary, nor an anti-men rant, nor the space for a bitter washed up old housewife to be venemous. I'm aware that some of my posts are not as positive as they could be. But they will never be contrived or written for an audience. This is an honest, accurate reflection of what I feel most days. As with other people, my moods go up and down. The difference is, I'm being honest and admitting that I am not always Little Miss Sunshine, and that I have feelings and thoughts.
Neither was it designed to be a graphically detailed account of my sex life.
It has become clear to me that this is also serving as a good account of my feelings the last few months, and that is no bad thing. Only by realising what emotions I have experienced the last few months, as in seeing it written in black, white and shades of blue, can I truly undertake the self-realisation and introspection that I hope will enlighten me and make me a better person.
Schizophrenic libido
Oh hell. Mr faceless is back. He's a mix of my ex and a guy I have known my entire life. But mr lalaland is hotter than both of them.
He's saying the same things, doing the same things. Only now he tells me he loves me. He comes to my dreams at the strangest times. When my alarm goes off far too early in the morning, and I hit snooze, he is there. I can almost feel his arms around me. Part of me wonders if I am inventing him consciously but I really dont think I am; I can barely think of my own name when I'm being yanked from dreamydream land and just about cope with hitting the snooze button. So I doubt I could begin a fantasy. I just wish I knew what it all meant - I have no idea who he is, and the fact that it is pretty much a daily repetition of the same scenario is somewhat freaky. I'm worried - my manic libido is giving me whiplash.
He's saying the same things, doing the same things. Only now he tells me he loves me. He comes to my dreams at the strangest times. When my alarm goes off far too early in the morning, and I hit snooze, he is there. I can almost feel his arms around me. Part of me wonders if I am inventing him consciously but I really dont think I am; I can barely think of my own name when I'm being yanked from dreamydream land and just about cope with hitting the snooze button. So I doubt I could begin a fantasy. I just wish I knew what it all meant - I have no idea who he is, and the fact that it is pretty much a daily repetition of the same scenario is somewhat freaky. I'm worried - my manic libido is giving me whiplash.
Animal behaviours - 21st November
The animals went in two by two, into the ark and not the tube. Love is great but not when it slows everyone else down. All this loveydovey sappy coupleyness is just getting me down. The first Christmas I have been single and it fucking sucks. Take your mushy disgustingness and your joined-at-the-lip-and-hip crap and leave London to us lonely miserable singletons. Wish I could afford to go spend it in a non-Christian country. Humph. Ebeneezer has spoken.
The bleakness of winter takes hold - 20th November
I was talking to one of my gays and he pointed out that although my not being interested is a challenge for guys to break, as well as feeding into their damsel in distress macho approach, at least I am being honest. That is one thing so many people, of all sexual persuasions, are not. I have no desire to meet someone and string them along just to bolster my self esteem. It can hang out in the dirt, it's been there long enough. I also cannot bring myself to inflict pain on another person who might actually care for me. Given that this is a situation I am currently trying to diplomatically and delicately at work and it is bloody exhausting because I like both these guys and get on really well them. But I do wonder how much they are being nice because they are into me. They don't strike me as The wanker type but you never can be sure. And the last thing I need at work is a shitty reputation.
I guess the truth is that I just don't believe I will ever be loved as much as my ex did, nor do I think my karma is good enough to deserve love again. If I had good karma, it would have worked out. I am not saying this to wallow or bemoan my poor lot in life. I just don't think I am young enough to make any more romantic mistakes. I don't have time. So therefore rather than get into something, I'd rather avoid it altogether.
Love bends you, love breaks you, love twists you into contortions you never thought imaginable. But love will never save you from yourself. Look at Jordan.
I guess the truth is that I just don't believe I will ever be loved as much as my ex did, nor do I think my karma is good enough to deserve love again. If I had good karma, it would have worked out. I am not saying this to wallow or bemoan my poor lot in life. I just don't think I am young enough to make any more romantic mistakes. I don't have time. So therefore rather than get into something, I'd rather avoid it altogether.
Love bends you, love breaks you, love twists you into contortions you never thought imaginable. But love will never save you from yourself. Look at Jordan.
19 November
So my fabulous gay friend tells me how wonderful I am. Which is nice. And I think he is the only person who truly understands that i would rather be single than involved with someone not worth it.
Absence makes the heart grow empty - 18th November
Today I realised a profound truth. I am in love with no-one. My heart belongs to no-one and I am not thinking of any man whom I have any feelings for. 3 hot guys in finance but they are just decorations, pretty wallhangings. I have no true desire because I have no-one to project them on to. Sure it would be nice to get laid but as I've said before I'm not just going to shag someone.
Secret sex - 15th November
Given that I used to fantasise about all-girl threesomes when having sex with TLOML, I have often considered joining a secret sex society. Not a dirty seedy group of reprobates but a classy upmarket group of likeminded individuals who meet for purely hedonistic reasons.
There are lots of cons to such an action, not least the cost and my lack of confidence physically. Plus what if I got there and no-one wanted to play with me?
But the biggest pro would be the realisation of what I have wanted to do for so long. But no boyfriend has been brave or open-minded enough to try. And I know good sex and orgasms exist out there, and I want them again.
There are lots of cons to such an action, not least the cost and my lack of confidence physically. Plus what if I got there and no-one wanted to play with me?
But the biggest pro would be the realisation of what I have wanted to do for so long. But no boyfriend has been brave or open-minded enough to try. And I know good sex and orgasms exist out there, and I want them again.
Pretty woman - 9th November
So it seems a little bit tough to not allow myself to be attracted to anyone I work. There are a fair few hot guys in finance (strikes me as somewhat odd but hey perhaps Phoenix is being narrowminded. Oops).
Bloody typical. A guy in anothr part of the office has expressed an interest, but I have absolutely no desire to be romantically involved.
The most annoying thing is the person I am most attracted to is a woman. Seriously attracted. As in I want to do things with her that I have only ever fantasised about. She's absolutely beautiful and a really lovely person to boot. Soooo principled and ethical, she definitely puts me to shame. She uses up her annual leave going to protests, cycles to work even in the pouring rain and is so passionate about what she does.
This isn't the first time I have been attracted to a woman. The last one was a few years ago. Both these women are very physically different. But there's something I can't quite pinpoint about her. I've never told anyone about this. I just don't know how they would react. I don't know what I am. But I think the fact that I had to fantasise about being in bed with a woman instead of TLOML in order to come says a hell of a lot. A couple of my friends know this. They just don't know it was women.
I won't complete personal info equality forms. I refused to be put in a box or seen through a certain perspective. So I refuse to define my sexuality in any terms. I like who I like, when I like. Long as the sex is mutually consensual and pleasurable, keep going.
I'm getting aroused just thinking about her. Not a good idea on the way into work. I won't do anything about this, as I think she's straight and also I work with her. So not breaking that rule. Time to suppress it and put on my game face.
Bloody typical. A guy in anothr part of the office has expressed an interest, but I have absolutely no desire to be romantically involved.
The most annoying thing is the person I am most attracted to is a woman. Seriously attracted. As in I want to do things with her that I have only ever fantasised about. She's absolutely beautiful and a really lovely person to boot. Soooo principled and ethical, she definitely puts me to shame. She uses up her annual leave going to protests, cycles to work even in the pouring rain and is so passionate about what she does.
This isn't the first time I have been attracted to a woman. The last one was a few years ago. Both these women are very physically different. But there's something I can't quite pinpoint about her. I've never told anyone about this. I just don't know how they would react. I don't know what I am. But I think the fact that I had to fantasise about being in bed with a woman instead of TLOML in order to come says a hell of a lot. A couple of my friends know this. They just don't know it was women.
I won't complete personal info equality forms. I refused to be put in a box or seen through a certain perspective. So I refuse to define my sexuality in any terms. I like who I like, when I like. Long as the sex is mutually consensual and pleasurable, keep going.
I'm getting aroused just thinking about her. Not a good idea on the way into work. I won't do anything about this, as I think she's straight and also I work with her. So not breaking that rule. Time to suppress it and put on my game face.
7th November (posted later)
Hurting seems a particularly apt topic today given that it would have been mine and my ex's anniversary. Also the most recent guy's bday but I will nor be texting him. Why the hell would I?! Just seems kinda hard today.
There are a few cute guys at work but no way in hell am I going there. Regardless of the fact that I work with these people, I am self cogniscent enough to recognise that I just am not in the right place for a relationship. At least I am honouring what TLOML and I had by not replacing him. Yes I did get involved with someone rather quickly but looking back now, I just needed some comfort and a big manly frame to wrap around me. Now, where I'm at is, if I'm getting involved then it has to be the real thing.
I've felt this kind of pain only once before. When I split with the guy I lost my virginity to, after almost 3 years. I messed around with other guys and had a lot of fun, but then I got in a relationship for a year and half which just wasn't all there. A bloody struggle for most of the time. God knows what it did to him. So I know the emotional consequences of getting romantically involved too soon.
Not only that, but TLOML was to all extents and purposes my husband. I no longer live in our home with our pets. But neither does he. So that sucks.
I'm also very conscious of the fact that I have no relationship past 4 years. The idea of spending the next 4 years investing in something which will eventually fail and tear me up even more is not a prospect I relish. I will then be even older and unable to recover from more heartbreak.
At uni my friend predicted that I would have 3 marriages. Whether or not that includes TLOML remains to be seen. But the idea of going through this twice more is inconceivable. And making a fool of yourself 3 times saying in front of loved ones that you pledge forever? Embarrassing. Not to mention the waste of money.
The '3' prediction was matched by colleague when she read my palm. That prediction said 3 relationships so have I only got one more to be in? Or is more like 3 strikes and you're out?
One good thing has come of this though. My libido has gone securely back into hiding. Let's hope it stays there.
There are a few cute guys at work but no way in hell am I going there. Regardless of the fact that I work with these people, I am self cogniscent enough to recognise that I just am not in the right place for a relationship. At least I am honouring what TLOML and I had by not replacing him. Yes I did get involved with someone rather quickly but looking back now, I just needed some comfort and a big manly frame to wrap around me. Now, where I'm at is, if I'm getting involved then it has to be the real thing.
I've felt this kind of pain only once before. When I split with the guy I lost my virginity to, after almost 3 years. I messed around with other guys and had a lot of fun, but then I got in a relationship for a year and half which just wasn't all there. A bloody struggle for most of the time. God knows what it did to him. So I know the emotional consequences of getting romantically involved too soon.
Not only that, but TLOML was to all extents and purposes my husband. I no longer live in our home with our pets. But neither does he. So that sucks.
I'm also very conscious of the fact that I have no relationship past 4 years. The idea of spending the next 4 years investing in something which will eventually fail and tear me up even more is not a prospect I relish. I will then be even older and unable to recover from more heartbreak.
At uni my friend predicted that I would have 3 marriages. Whether or not that includes TLOML remains to be seen. But the idea of going through this twice more is inconceivable. And making a fool of yourself 3 times saying in front of loved ones that you pledge forever? Embarrassing. Not to mention the waste of money.
The '3' prediction was matched by colleague when she read my palm. That prediction said 3 relationships so have I only got one more to be in? Or is more like 3 strikes and you're out?
One good thing has come of this though. My libido has gone securely back into hiding. Let's hope it stays there.
14th October (posted later)
I think there's a strong correlation between intelligence and common sense
When I finally do date again, I want a real man, who is mature kind and a real adult.
Given that I'm not planning to date for a long time, he is going to have to wait for me, and prove he is worthy of me. I am not arrogant, I am not in love with myself, but I do deserve to be treated with respect and I want a man who is good enough for me. I am done with boys, overgrown manchilds, and losers who do not appreciate me for all that I am. I do not want a casual thing, nor a boring series of dates in which I find myself watching the clock. I want someone who I can love, without dramas, and who will not suppress me or stifle me personally or professionally. I want someone who will love me passionately. I am not and will not be seeking perfection, but just a decent human being. Waiting, and taking it slowly, is the way to go about achieving that. In 47 weeks time. Or maybe even later. Who knows, I might be happy celibate and end up extending it for another 6 months.
When I finally do date again, I want a real man, who is mature kind and a real adult.
Given that I'm not planning to date for a long time, he is going to have to wait for me, and prove he is worthy of me. I am not arrogant, I am not in love with myself, but I do deserve to be treated with respect and I want a man who is good enough for me. I am done with boys, overgrown manchilds, and losers who do not appreciate me for all that I am. I do not want a casual thing, nor a boring series of dates in which I find myself watching the clock. I want someone who I can love, without dramas, and who will not suppress me or stifle me personally or professionally. I want someone who will love me passionately. I am not and will not be seeking perfection, but just a decent human being. Waiting, and taking it slowly, is the way to go about achieving that. In 47 weeks time. Or maybe even later. Who knows, I might be happy celibate and end up extending it for another 6 months.
Thursday 1 December 2011
Back to the fold
I've been a bad Phoenix of late. Very bad. I haven't posted anything in bloody ages; I've been too busy with work and I find it quite hard editing this blog on my iPhone. I've been writing every day, o and from London on the commute, but not got round to posting my musings.
I've also slipped a few times. I have been playing with myself a bit. I could use the excuse that it helps me get to sleep, which is the truth, but it's naughty when considering the objective of this exercise. I was supposed to be teaching myself how to live without any sexual / romantic / intimate contact at all, but maybe that is more difficult than I imagined. At the very least, I didn't realise how much I used sex as a de-stressor. But is that such a bad thing?
So the next few posts are of the last month and my thoughts. Reading them back as I post them up here, I am quite surprised by how up and down they are. I suppose that is natural. After a breakup your feelings for your ex invariably fluctuate. If any of these posts may strike you, dear reader, as bitter and self-indulgent, please remember they are not. I am not bitter. I'm just a few months on from what was esentially a divorce. And I am scared to love again. But then an advantage to that is, I have my life back and I am no longer someone's middle aged frumpy housewife.
I've also slipped a few times. I have been playing with myself a bit. I could use the excuse that it helps me get to sleep, which is the truth, but it's naughty when considering the objective of this exercise. I was supposed to be teaching myself how to live without any sexual / romantic / intimate contact at all, but maybe that is more difficult than I imagined. At the very least, I didn't realise how much I used sex as a de-stressor. But is that such a bad thing?
So the next few posts are of the last month and my thoughts. Reading them back as I post them up here, I am quite surprised by how up and down they are. I suppose that is natural. After a breakup your feelings for your ex invariably fluctuate. If any of these posts may strike you, dear reader, as bitter and self-indulgent, please remember they are not. I am not bitter. I'm just a few months on from what was esentially a divorce. And I am scared to love again. But then an advantage to that is, I have my life back and I am no longer someone's middle aged frumpy housewife.
Tuesday 22 November 2011
Ageing ungracefully
Looking around the train carriage this morning, I am struck by the realisation that people inevitably get uglier as they get older.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, relationships are not based on looks, bla bla bla. But if physical intimacy is a key to sustaining a relationship how are you supposed to get aroused by the man who looks like the father in law you met 30 years ago and himself now resembles the man in the photograph?
After a while in a relationship sex can be a real effort. So how do you do it when you factor in a ridiculous commute, pressures at work and all the other demands which are an unfortunate consequence of adulthood?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, relationships are not based on looks, bla bla bla. But if physical intimacy is a key to sustaining a relationship how are you supposed to get aroused by the man who looks like the father in law you met 30 years ago and himself now resembles the man in the photograph?
After a while in a relationship sex can be a real effort. So how do you do it when you factor in a ridiculous commute, pressures at work and all the other demands which are an unfortunate consequence of adulthood?
Saturday 29 October 2011
Why I'm staying celibate forever now
Men are wankers. Enough said. You can't rely on them or depend on them, trust is such a load of bollocks. The only person you can depend on in life is yourself.
Monday 24 October 2011
Regrets
So the great commute begins. And as predicted there are no hot men on the platforms and the train. So much for my friend's theory that I will meet a sexy man and start dating him on the daily trip to work.
At least I have plenty of time to be quiet. And what better way to spend it than reflecting on life. What the hell, I'm already awake.
It's better to regret doing something than not doing it. But when you are going through that regret, experiencing it so keenly, how on earth are you supposed to persuade yourself to ever take another leap of faith?
I missed my ex after we split. But the more time passes, the more I become objective. Not only do I regret who I became around him, but I regret tolerating his bollocks and stupidity. I definitely regret getting involved with him, and I regret the month I spent after we split up stressing that I could be pregnant. Thank fuck I'm not.
My biggest regret is being taken in by that douchebag, liking him and not being careful. Had I kept an emotional distance, I would have walked away much sooner. When you throw caution to the wind, you consent to the tornado doing as it will. A violent, fast-moving, short-lived life-changer which leaves a catastrophic trail of debris in it's wake and destroys everything in it's path.
As they say, when you play with fire you get burned. It's exciting, dangerous and risky, but the damage will happen. I'm just grateful mine was only 3rd degree burns.
The reason I'm still thinking about it is because I don't have another man distracting me. Normally a few weeks after, if not a few days after, I'd be playing with a new toy. Texting, dating, making out with...... Only problem being ensuring I say the right name in bed.
I'm glad I chose to break that pattern and be celibate for a while. I definitely needed to. I'd just like to forget all about the guy from the summer, and I have no idea how to without a new man.
At least I have plenty of time to be quiet. And what better way to spend it than reflecting on life. What the hell, I'm already awake.
It's better to regret doing something than not doing it. But when you are going through that regret, experiencing it so keenly, how on earth are you supposed to persuade yourself to ever take another leap of faith?
I missed my ex after we split. But the more time passes, the more I become objective. Not only do I regret who I became around him, but I regret tolerating his bollocks and stupidity. I definitely regret getting involved with him, and I regret the month I spent after we split up stressing that I could be pregnant. Thank fuck I'm not.
My biggest regret is being taken in by that douchebag, liking him and not being careful. Had I kept an emotional distance, I would have walked away much sooner. When you throw caution to the wind, you consent to the tornado doing as it will. A violent, fast-moving, short-lived life-changer which leaves a catastrophic trail of debris in it's wake and destroys everything in it's path.
As they say, when you play with fire you get burned. It's exciting, dangerous and risky, but the damage will happen. I'm just grateful mine was only 3rd degree burns.
The reason I'm still thinking about it is because I don't have another man distracting me. Normally a few weeks after, if not a few days after, I'd be playing with a new toy. Texting, dating, making out with...... Only problem being ensuring I say the right name in bed.
I'm glad I chose to break that pattern and be celibate for a while. I definitely needed to. I'd just like to forget all about the guy from the summer, and I have no idea how to without a new man.
Boredom
Part of me wonders if I have the right to make such observations. I'm not a trained psychotherapist, nor a renowned sociologist. I'm just me. But then I'm just writing what I see. This was never intended to be a judgement of others or a set of instructions on how to live. It is purely a documentation of my journey as I undertake this year of celibacy and introspection.
Maybe I just feel as though I don't have anything interesting to say because I feel life is a bit boring at the moment. It's not; it just has no men in it, in neither a starring, nor a supporting, nor even a minor role. I'm Soooooo not used to that.
I guess part of me thought that once I went off the market I'd become more attractive. This is the part of me that was needing to be decreased as it was a bit too dominant for my liking. Hence this vow of celibacy. Initially, I sort of envisaged this blog being full of juicy stories about my attractions and temptations, and how close I came to breaking my vow because I met a wonderful man / men with whom I was developing intense connections. Or even purely physical desires. Stories similar to my experiences at uni, but a bit more mature. Not quite as minxy.
But that's not been the case. Since I undertook this, I have had only one evening of flirting and a mediocre attraction to a mediocre man. The last time I was technically single I had a lot of fun. This time round, tis rather dull. For someone who has had a lot of fun in the past, nothingness is bloody boring. Maybe I'm too old now.
Robbia Williams sang 'all the best women are married, all the handsome men are gay'. Perhaps it's the other way round now and all the best men are married. Or at the very least, taken. So whatever's left over may well be the dregs of the barrel. I think I'd prefer a bad apple to a dreg, they are usually much more exciting. Not relationship material, but sometimes it can be fun to tame a wild stallion.
Truthfully, it scares me that I could consider myself too old when I know I am not. And I genuinely have no problem being single; it is an empowered lifestyle choice and I like having my freedom back. Just goes to show how deeply ingrained certain ideas are into our psyche.
I was asked recently if I think I have missed the boat when it comes to love and I will have no more chances. I genuinely don't - especially as I know no one man will be enough for me. But it would be nice to have just a frisson of excitement. I suppose I have to accept that as much as I am enjoying this experiment, my libido will have peaks and troughs and I will want a man sometimes. But as I said before, I have no fuck buddies here. So a cup of tea it is instead.
Maybe I just feel as though I don't have anything interesting to say because I feel life is a bit boring at the moment. It's not; it just has no men in it, in neither a starring, nor a supporting, nor even a minor role. I'm Soooooo not used to that.
I guess part of me thought that once I went off the market I'd become more attractive. This is the part of me that was needing to be decreased as it was a bit too dominant for my liking. Hence this vow of celibacy. Initially, I sort of envisaged this blog being full of juicy stories about my attractions and temptations, and how close I came to breaking my vow because I met a wonderful man / men with whom I was developing intense connections. Or even purely physical desires. Stories similar to my experiences at uni, but a bit more mature. Not quite as minxy.
But that's not been the case. Since I undertook this, I have had only one evening of flirting and a mediocre attraction to a mediocre man. The last time I was technically single I had a lot of fun. This time round, tis rather dull. For someone who has had a lot of fun in the past, nothingness is bloody boring. Maybe I'm too old now.
Robbia Williams sang 'all the best women are married, all the handsome men are gay'. Perhaps it's the other way round now and all the best men are married. Or at the very least, taken. So whatever's left over may well be the dregs of the barrel. I think I'd prefer a bad apple to a dreg, they are usually much more exciting. Not relationship material, but sometimes it can be fun to tame a wild stallion.
Truthfully, it scares me that I could consider myself too old when I know I am not. And I genuinely have no problem being single; it is an empowered lifestyle choice and I like having my freedom back. Just goes to show how deeply ingrained certain ideas are into our psyche.
I was asked recently if I think I have missed the boat when it comes to love and I will have no more chances. I genuinely don't - especially as I know no one man will be enough for me. But it would be nice to have just a frisson of excitement. I suppose I have to accept that as much as I am enjoying this experiment, my libido will have peaks and troughs and I will want a man sometimes. But as I said before, I have no fuck buddies here. So a cup of tea it is instead.
Settling
This post has been a fair few days in coming. Several conversations with various people have given rise to it. The major chat which prompted it was with an older friend, who was telling me about her friend's bitter, acrimonious, protracted and messy painful divorce. It was further solidified by seeing my ex ex.
So the theme today is settling. Not settling down, but settling for second best, because silver is better than singledom. In every sense. This is a common theme in so many senses. How many people have dated someone who they knew wasn't good enough because they prefer that to being alone? How many people are unhappy in relationships where one or both parties have been content, or willing, to accept less than the best? The enduring concept of 'out of my league' is testament to this idea. In addition to this, an episode of sex and the city in which a minor character, at her wedding reception, whispers to Carrie that she should marry someone who loves her more than she loves them, just highlights this. There is also a rather poignant scene in eat pray love in which the idea of being miserable together being better than being alone is used as a reason to remain in an unhappy relationship.
Yes I know it is fiction, but as I say, how many of us have been with someone we don't truly love / know we will not grow to love because it is preferable to the alternative?
I know no-one is perfect. This is something I am acutely aware of. I don't subscribe to the idea of perfection or a knight on a White horse. But surely there has to be a reasonable area between the two where you can be in love but not seeking perfection?
So the theme today is settling. Not settling down, but settling for second best, because silver is better than singledom. In every sense. This is a common theme in so many senses. How many people have dated someone who they knew wasn't good enough because they prefer that to being alone? How many people are unhappy in relationships where one or both parties have been content, or willing, to accept less than the best? The enduring concept of 'out of my league' is testament to this idea. In addition to this, an episode of sex and the city in which a minor character, at her wedding reception, whispers to Carrie that she should marry someone who loves her more than she loves them, just highlights this. There is also a rather poignant scene in eat pray love in which the idea of being miserable together being better than being alone is used as a reason to remain in an unhappy relationship.
Yes I know it is fiction, but as I say, how many of us have been with someone we don't truly love / know we will not grow to love because it is preferable to the alternative?
I know no-one is perfect. This is something I am acutely aware of. I don't subscribe to the idea of perfection or a knight on a White horse. But surely there has to be a reasonable area between the two where you can be in love but not seeking perfection?
Text
2am texts with a friend from uni tonight made me miss having a guy to text. I was a bit more 'meh' when another friend told me she was texting 3 guys simultaneously. I only want one or two to play with! It reminds me of a lot of things I used to get up to at uni. Ah, memories.
Past it?
I'm at a size where I'm not sexy. I think. Despite having lost 2 stone and 2 dress sizes (and now being utterly petrified of putting it back on) I don't feel good. I have reached the stage where I am neither fat nor thin, and I bloody well need to tone up the wobbles.
But I feel like I don't fit any category anymore. Despite enjoying the anonymity of blogging, I don't like to be just a face in the crowd. Especially when you see how ugly the crowd -and fashion - truly is. Yes that's bitchy and yes everyone is beautiful in their own way, but I like to feel attractive. And I really don't anymore. It's been ages since I've felt intense passion for anyone, since the lusty compulsive irresistible connection and impulse for one another overrode all else.
The worst thing is not having anyone to validate me as a sexual being. A while ago I came to accept that I am more dependent on male attention than I would like, and whilst I am addressing this, and it's a lot better than it was, I still would like a touch of admiration.
But then I'm a bit odd with this - when a guy does like me, I wonder what's wrong with him. And if he tries to be romantic, I wonder what his objective is. Maybe I'm starved of courtesy and courting. When breakfast in bed seems extremely romantic, may be that says I have been missing out all these years.
Although I am by no means arrogant, I used to be a catch. Intelligent, feisty, curves in all the right places and extremely good with people, not to mention decent in bed. But now I feel like all of that has gone away and I am nowt special anymore.
But I feel like I don't fit any category anymore. Despite enjoying the anonymity of blogging, I don't like to be just a face in the crowd. Especially when you see how ugly the crowd -and fashion - truly is. Yes that's bitchy and yes everyone is beautiful in their own way, but I like to feel attractive. And I really don't anymore. It's been ages since I've felt intense passion for anyone, since the lusty compulsive irresistible connection and impulse for one another overrode all else.
The worst thing is not having anyone to validate me as a sexual being. A while ago I came to accept that I am more dependent on male attention than I would like, and whilst I am addressing this, and it's a lot better than it was, I still would like a touch of admiration.
But then I'm a bit odd with this - when a guy does like me, I wonder what's wrong with him. And if he tries to be romantic, I wonder what his objective is. Maybe I'm starved of courtesy and courting. When breakfast in bed seems extremely romantic, may be that says I have been missing out all these years.
Although I am by no means arrogant, I used to be a catch. Intelligent, feisty, curves in all the right places and extremely good with people, not to mention decent in bed. But now I feel like all of that has gone away and I am nowt special anymore.
Saturday 22 October 2011
Tranquility
I saw my ex ex today. I picked up some post from his, as we had arranged. It was wonderful to see him, but also really tough. We both cried. When I saw him, I realised how much I still love him. I don't want to get back with him as I don't love him in that way anymore, but I do love him and always will. He is the most wonderful man I have ever been privileged to know. It's a bloody shame it didn't work out, but there is no bad feeling there, only sadness of causing him pain. Otherwise, I truly wish him all the best things and happiness for his days and nights.
When he hugged me I felt an incredible sense of peace and love toward him. I think he did too, as he held me so tight and for so long. He initiated it, as I'm conscious of giving him the space he requested. But it was wonderful.
We haven't done the trading of the stuff and hopefully we won't for a while yet. I hope we can be friends again and hang out, as he is the most giving loyal and kind friend I have ever had. I'll give him the time he needs. Like I told him, if he ever needs to talk I'll always be there. And I'm forever grateful for everything he has done for me.
This post isn't about going into detail about why we split. This is just about a wonderful man who is the love of my life. He is a testament to the fact that good men do exist. They are just ridiculously hard to find.
But my ex ex is irreplaceable. And for where I'm at right now, and the next 46 weeks, that is absolutely fine.
When he hugged me I felt an incredible sense of peace and love toward him. I think he did too, as he held me so tight and for so long. He initiated it, as I'm conscious of giving him the space he requested. But it was wonderful.
We haven't done the trading of the stuff and hopefully we won't for a while yet. I hope we can be friends again and hang out, as he is the most giving loyal and kind friend I have ever had. I'll give him the time he needs. Like I told him, if he ever needs to talk I'll always be there. And I'm forever grateful for everything he has done for me.
This post isn't about going into detail about why we split. This is just about a wonderful man who is the love of my life. He is a testament to the fact that good men do exist. They are just ridiculously hard to find.
But my ex ex is irreplaceable. And for where I'm at right now, and the next 46 weeks, that is absolutely fine.
Tuesday 18 October 2011
Trust
My ex boyfriend just told me he cannot handle seeing me or meeting up for a coffee. Fair enough, you might say. Except we have been broke up for months and actually doing pretty well at staying in touch and hanging out. Granted, I have had some messy personal stuff going on and so at times have been a little bit dependent on him, but it's been mutual and I have been supporting him through tough stuff too. And I couldn't have got through any of it without him. But it was never a case of 'treating my ex like my boyf' to get me through. It was a continuation of him being my best friend.
We were together for a long time. We had a lot of ups and downs, and problems, but throughout it all we retained our friendship. And its not like the break up was a shocker - we had been more like friends than lovers for months. One of you doing a masters and the other getting bullied at work in a horrific institution doesn't make for passion instead of pasta. I didn't like who I became with him, I was boring and old. Not to mention the town we lived in, ugh. But we kept our friendship.
After I was sexually assaulted it was clear there was no way back for us. I couldn't be with anyone for a while. But he was incredible, always there for me, staying with me and letting me stay with him, and litres of coffee consumed over chats. To a certain extent it sucks that we cannot reconcile, but looking back objectively we were never really likely to. The person I am now would rather be alone than settle in a second-clas relationship.
But I do feel hurt that he thinks it will be too hard to see me. Whether because he still loves me or because he has met someone else, god knows. But now he's essentially said goodbye, it's hurtful. It's hurtful whenever a friend cuts you out. Maybe it's permanent, maybe not. But I do feel let down by him now.
So unfortunately today the theme is trust. Or lack thereof. I feel a bit dumb for trusting him to carry on being my friend when maybe he just isn't man enough, and I feel extremely distrustful of men anyway. Given what has happened with the ex I have blogged about before (overgrown manchild), I am adamant that I want nothing to do with any men.
When you are attacked, you lose faith in humanity. You become introverted and withdrawn, and don't care about others. You become percieved as cold or a bitch, and maybe a bit crazy. But fuck the outsiders. It is the ones you trust, confide in, that matter. So when you start to trust someone, start to believe they are a good person, you let your defences down a bit. Maybe you even tell them what happened, and their response is just what you need. You spend hours with them, getting to know them, believing them to be something. Carefully, slowly, warily, you start to trust them. Then, when you meet their family and friends, you see a different side to them. Aspects of their personality which they didn't reveal before become blaringly obvious, and he keeps changing the goalposts, so fast you cannot keep up. The things he proclaimed to love about you are suddenly wrong, and you find yourself wondering what the hell you ever saw in him. So you walk away, saying you will remain friends, but you both know that is just a dignified way to walk away. It also leaves the door open for ex sex, which is the best closure you can ever have because it reinforces the fact that things have changed between you. When he rolls over and falls asleep after, you lie there awake happy and relieved you have done the right thing.
I guess the ex ex saying he can't handle seeing me is making me think about my ex because they are both men who I feel have let me down. I never used to be a girly girl about trust; in fact I was usually the one who cheated. There was no cheating involved with either of these guys, yet I do feel betrayed. I suppose because I trusted them to be what they portrayed themselves to be, trusted them to be there for me, and I was wrong.
The worst thing is I no longer have any trust in myself when it comes to men. And people in general. Just what I need when I am about to move to a new city, begin a new job and hopefully make new friends. If I can ever trust them at all that is. I know I have bad taste in men, so this celibacy is truly the best thing for me. Also, I go for guys who are below me and are not good enough for me. I cannot see myself ever getting married as I cannot comprehend falling and remaining head-over-heels enough to sustain a marriage through the tough times. I am far too rational to believe one man encompasses it all. But it would be nice, even only for 5 minutes, for the fairy tale to be true and find a man who is mature, an adult, amazing in bed, intelligent, compassionate, well-liked and decent. Is that so much to ask?
The thing really pissing me off is, we split absolutely months ago, so why are you so bothered NOW?
We were together for a long time. We had a lot of ups and downs, and problems, but throughout it all we retained our friendship. And its not like the break up was a shocker - we had been more like friends than lovers for months. One of you doing a masters and the other getting bullied at work in a horrific institution doesn't make for passion instead of pasta. I didn't like who I became with him, I was boring and old. Not to mention the town we lived in, ugh. But we kept our friendship.
After I was sexually assaulted it was clear there was no way back for us. I couldn't be with anyone for a while. But he was incredible, always there for me, staying with me and letting me stay with him, and litres of coffee consumed over chats. To a certain extent it sucks that we cannot reconcile, but looking back objectively we were never really likely to. The person I am now would rather be alone than settle in a second-clas relationship.
But I do feel hurt that he thinks it will be too hard to see me. Whether because he still loves me or because he has met someone else, god knows. But now he's essentially said goodbye, it's hurtful. It's hurtful whenever a friend cuts you out. Maybe it's permanent, maybe not. But I do feel let down by him now.
So unfortunately today the theme is trust. Or lack thereof. I feel a bit dumb for trusting him to carry on being my friend when maybe he just isn't man enough, and I feel extremely distrustful of men anyway. Given what has happened with the ex I have blogged about before (overgrown manchild), I am adamant that I want nothing to do with any men.
When you are attacked, you lose faith in humanity. You become introverted and withdrawn, and don't care about others. You become percieved as cold or a bitch, and maybe a bit crazy. But fuck the outsiders. It is the ones you trust, confide in, that matter. So when you start to trust someone, start to believe they are a good person, you let your defences down a bit. Maybe you even tell them what happened, and their response is just what you need. You spend hours with them, getting to know them, believing them to be something. Carefully, slowly, warily, you start to trust them. Then, when you meet their family and friends, you see a different side to them. Aspects of their personality which they didn't reveal before become blaringly obvious, and he keeps changing the goalposts, so fast you cannot keep up. The things he proclaimed to love about you are suddenly wrong, and you find yourself wondering what the hell you ever saw in him. So you walk away, saying you will remain friends, but you both know that is just a dignified way to walk away. It also leaves the door open for ex sex, which is the best closure you can ever have because it reinforces the fact that things have changed between you. When he rolls over and falls asleep after, you lie there awake happy and relieved you have done the right thing.
I guess the ex ex saying he can't handle seeing me is making me think about my ex because they are both men who I feel have let me down. I never used to be a girly girl about trust; in fact I was usually the one who cheated. There was no cheating involved with either of these guys, yet I do feel betrayed. I suppose because I trusted them to be what they portrayed themselves to be, trusted them to be there for me, and I was wrong.
The worst thing is I no longer have any trust in myself when it comes to men. And people in general. Just what I need when I am about to move to a new city, begin a new job and hopefully make new friends. If I can ever trust them at all that is. I know I have bad taste in men, so this celibacy is truly the best thing for me. Also, I go for guys who are below me and are not good enough for me. I cannot see myself ever getting married as I cannot comprehend falling and remaining head-over-heels enough to sustain a marriage through the tough times. I am far too rational to believe one man encompasses it all. But it would be nice, even only for 5 minutes, for the fairy tale to be true and find a man who is mature, an adult, amazing in bed, intelligent, compassionate, well-liked and decent. Is that so much to ask?
The thing really pissing me off is, we split absolutely months ago, so why are you so bothered NOW?
Fool for you? No thanks, I'm full
I'm no longer willing to be a fool for love. So why would I date one?
I was asked today by a friend if I felt I was missing out. My answer was an honest 'no'. I really don't. "But what if you miss out on that someone special?" She pressed. My reply was that I just don't have the inclination to be involved right now.
"But he could pass you by!" She seemed really concerned about this possibility. And so I said that I couldn't be bothered to spend all that time sorting the wheat from the chaff. Or in this case, chavs. "So you could have fun dating a whole bunch of unspecial guys. It can be a good way to spend your time".
I did give this some thought. Granted, dating can be fun. But as I said to her, "What's the point in spending all that time geting dressed up, making myself look pretty and allowing myself to become giddy with anticipation, only to try not to fall asleep or not staring at a really unattractive feature?" "But I'm sure we could find someone you'd -" I cut her off. No way am I going on a blind date. I've had enough bad dates where hey have at least been my choosing and I'd had a hint of interest in them. So why on earth would I subject myself to the torture of a blind date? Not only is it awkward and uncomfortable, but if you're having a crappy time how do you get away without being bloody obvious? "Shall we see the dessert menu? How about the Fool for you?" "No thanks, I'm full".
Not to mention how embarassing it would be to see them out again socially. And on the off chance it did work, Cupid (AKA your matchmaking friend) would always be in the middle - perfect for any arguments and disagreements. Your relationship essentially becomes a three-way, and not in a good way. Plus if said relationship were to not work out, the difficulties of the split would be complicated by the disappointment of Cupid. And then who does Cupid stay friends with?
I think what my lovely kind friend was thinking of was the chance of meeting a guy on the street, or the train, and him being the one. I do believe in fate and things happening for a reason. But I'm also realistic enough to know that there is a whopping distinction between movies and real life, and I know most men are not confident enough to approach a woman on the train. Commuters generally do not speak, especially in London. And the truth is, I am not so attractive that I am showered with date offers. Last guy was my ex. Maybe I'm not ugly, but I'm not someone you'd look twice at. So I'd rather abandon unnecessary hope and dreams and focus on what is important to me, and enjoy life instead of throwing "my life away on a dream that won't come true", as Rizzo so famously sang in Grease. Girlfriend got a point.
The fact that I'm not interested in dating right now means i am probably not giving out signals that I am available. And I'm honestly quite content like that.
I was asked today by a friend if I felt I was missing out. My answer was an honest 'no'. I really don't. "But what if you miss out on that someone special?" She pressed. My reply was that I just don't have the inclination to be involved right now.
"But he could pass you by!" She seemed really concerned about this possibility. And so I said that I couldn't be bothered to spend all that time sorting the wheat from the chaff. Or in this case, chavs. "So you could have fun dating a whole bunch of unspecial guys. It can be a good way to spend your time".
I did give this some thought. Granted, dating can be fun. But as I said to her, "What's the point in spending all that time geting dressed up, making myself look pretty and allowing myself to become giddy with anticipation, only to try not to fall asleep or not staring at a really unattractive feature?" "But I'm sure we could find someone you'd -" I cut her off. No way am I going on a blind date. I've had enough bad dates where hey have at least been my choosing and I'd had a hint of interest in them. So why on earth would I subject myself to the torture of a blind date? Not only is it awkward and uncomfortable, but if you're having a crappy time how do you get away without being bloody obvious? "Shall we see the dessert menu? How about the Fool for you?" "No thanks, I'm full".
Not to mention how embarassing it would be to see them out again socially. And on the off chance it did work, Cupid (AKA your matchmaking friend) would always be in the middle - perfect for any arguments and disagreements. Your relationship essentially becomes a three-way, and not in a good way. Plus if said relationship were to not work out, the difficulties of the split would be complicated by the disappointment of Cupid. And then who does Cupid stay friends with?
I think what my lovely kind friend was thinking of was the chance of meeting a guy on the street, or the train, and him being the one. I do believe in fate and things happening for a reason. But I'm also realistic enough to know that there is a whopping distinction between movies and real life, and I know most men are not confident enough to approach a woman on the train. Commuters generally do not speak, especially in London. And the truth is, I am not so attractive that I am showered with date offers. Last guy was my ex. Maybe I'm not ugly, but I'm not someone you'd look twice at. So I'd rather abandon unnecessary hope and dreams and focus on what is important to me, and enjoy life instead of throwing "my life away on a dream that won't come true", as Rizzo so famously sang in Grease. Girlfriend got a point.
The fact that I'm not interested in dating right now means i am probably not giving out signals that I am available. And I'm honestly quite content like that.
Hibernation
The strangest thing has happened. My libido has gone into hibernation. For the last 6 days I have had absolutely no urges whatsoever. Seen a few (reasonably) attractive men whilst wandering round town, noted their aesthetic beauty, and forgotten about it. Guy at work? Meh. Yeah he had nice eyes, but I realised he was just the best of a bad lot. The more I got to know him, the more I realised he wasn't good enough for me; still stuck in te uni lifestyle when he needed to grow up a bit. And it's dawning on me that I have no desire for a relationship right now.
The biggest realisation is that for me, the only person out there is me. I've never subscribed to the idea of Mr Right, only Mr Right Now. But of course as I change and what I want changes, Mr Right Now becomes MR Wrong. As shallow as that might sound in black and white, let me add in a few shades of grey.
Firstly, I love passionately and deeply. They become 'the one' when I am with them. I do whatever is necessary to make them happy, sometimes to the detriment of my career and my friendships. I envisage a whole life with them; commitment and a family.
I am usually devastated when it ends. Granted it is usually me that ends it, but it takes a lot to make me walk away, and so the heartbreaking decision that I can't keep going usually tears me up for a while.
Secondly, people change over time. Both I and my boyfriends changed. When you consider your twenties, and how you have changed over the past 2 years, it is inevitable that you are not the same person at the end of the relationship than at the beginning.
Thirdly, your shared experiences, triumphs and mutual disappointments shape you both and leave you altered. Sometimes things happen that you just cannot move past, or you feel so let down or betrayed that there is no recovery.
Therefore to me, it seems sloppy to plan your entire existence around another person. Sure, fall in love and make plans, but always have a backup for if it ends and you find yourself alone. And for god's sake do not depend on him for money, as so many do, because if he leaves you will have nothing and be saddled with the kids.
As for me, I'm happy enjoying my freedom and the fact that my life is my own again. Not to mention being able to do what I want. I've definitely come around to the benefits of singledom, and I have to say I'm loving it. So maybe that Mr Right Now of the future will be waiting a bit longer. WHo knows, maybe he's not even out there at all, and the first thing I buy after this year is over is a Rampant Rabbit.
But having already stuck to this for the better part of 2 months, I'd say there is a high likelihood of me making it a year. The scary thing is, writing that I got a suddent twinge of panic - "Oh no, I only have ten months of freedom left!" I guess that response shows what I am doing is the right thing for me. Happy days.
The biggest realisation is that for me, the only person out there is me. I've never subscribed to the idea of Mr Right, only Mr Right Now. But of course as I change and what I want changes, Mr Right Now becomes MR Wrong. As shallow as that might sound in black and white, let me add in a few shades of grey.
Firstly, I love passionately and deeply. They become 'the one' when I am with them. I do whatever is necessary to make them happy, sometimes to the detriment of my career and my friendships. I envisage a whole life with them; commitment and a family.
I am usually devastated when it ends. Granted it is usually me that ends it, but it takes a lot to make me walk away, and so the heartbreaking decision that I can't keep going usually tears me up for a while.
Secondly, people change over time. Both I and my boyfriends changed. When you consider your twenties, and how you have changed over the past 2 years, it is inevitable that you are not the same person at the end of the relationship than at the beginning.
Thirdly, your shared experiences, triumphs and mutual disappointments shape you both and leave you altered. Sometimes things happen that you just cannot move past, or you feel so let down or betrayed that there is no recovery.
Therefore to me, it seems sloppy to plan your entire existence around another person. Sure, fall in love and make plans, but always have a backup for if it ends and you find yourself alone. And for god's sake do not depend on him for money, as so many do, because if he leaves you will have nothing and be saddled with the kids.
As for me, I'm happy enjoying my freedom and the fact that my life is my own again. Not to mention being able to do what I want. I've definitely come around to the benefits of singledom, and I have to say I'm loving it. So maybe that Mr Right Now of the future will be waiting a bit longer. WHo knows, maybe he's not even out there at all, and the first thing I buy after this year is over is a Rampant Rabbit.
But having already stuck to this for the better part of 2 months, I'd say there is a high likelihood of me making it a year. The scary thing is, writing that I got a suddent twinge of panic - "Oh no, I only have ten months of freedom left!" I guess that response shows what I am doing is the right thing for me. Happy days.
Friday 14 October 2011
I can't believe I blew him
So it's a Friday night. I'm sitting in the house, wrapped up warm, watching my favourite TV shows and chatting with my friend (who for obvious reasons shall remain nameless). Anyway, we were having a natter as you do, when up came the topic of my ex. Having deleted both his phone number and his facebook friendship (nothing's official until its on facebook), and given the fact that I want nothing to do with him, this topic of conversation was fine. We had a little look at his facebook page. And it turned out to be the best thing I have done in a while, as my reaction confirmed to me that not only do I not want anything to do with him, but also there is nothing likeable about the guy (for me at least).
Yes I realise looking at someone's facebook is slightly sad when you don't want anything to do with them. But I haven't been fb stalking him, it's been months since we spoke and as I had the opportunity to have a nosey, I did. Who can honestly say they've never taken the opportunity to find out what an ex is up to, either through talking to their friends or speaking to their mother? I've never gone that far. And after what I saw, I DEFINITELY have no desire to look at it - or him - again.
So not only is his picture completely pretentious and 'luvvie', which is a turn-off in itself, but he is now friends with and sycophantically kissing up to people he told me he hated. Not that I should be surprised; I witnessed him slagging off one of his supposed best friends to other friends for substantial periods of time. That was so much 'fun' to witness, nothing like feeling extremely uncomfortable and squirming. Guess he just wants to feel popular by having loads of friends on facebook, but it doesn't change the fact that he's two-faced.
But the worst thing is the videos he's added. Not only are they ridiculously boring and pretty pointless, not to mention extremely amateur, which makes me see just how boring and mundane his existence is, but seeing him and hearing his voice actually made me want to throw up. Not a good sign. But definitely what I would call extreme closure. Such a response shocked me, as I didn't concieve that I could feel like that about him.
What I've come to realise is how unattractive he is. Even the eyes which I spent hours gazing into, reading his soul - yeah whatever Phoenix - no longer hold any attraction for me. No wonder how happy he looked when he was walking around with me on his arm, I made him look so much better. He used to refer to people in terms of leagues, as in being out of his league, and perhaps he was right. Still, at least he seemed to adore me, although I wonder how true it ever was. He called me a goddess, and his divine voluptuous lady. Maybe him introducing me to his friends was to show he could pull a hot woman with amazing boobs. * Just to point out that's not how I see myself, but what he saw in me physically - allegedly. * But I feel like a fool. And it scares me that I could be so into someone, and then feel absolutely nothing physically for them a few months later.
This may sound like a bitter vitriolic fuck you, but it's genuinely not intended to be. It's an admission of my failings, and the fact that I was probably more in love with the idea of him, or who I thought he was, than the person he really is. Maybe the sex confused it. But I'm glad I no longer miss him, or have any desire for him.
The worst thing about it all is that I blew him. Yeah, whatever, you might be thinking. But for me, oral sex is an extremely intimate and loving act, and I don't do it to just anyone. The idea of having a cock in my mouth is actually not the most pleasant of thoughts when considered in an abstract or general sense, but when it belongs to the man I love and is a cock which arouses me and gives me great pleasure then I quite like it. As long as he is clean, not smelly, has no STDs and doesn't come in my mouth. So that's a few stipulations, but not too much to ask. It's what I do for them in regard to recieving oral, so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect good hygiene. He was good in this respect, but looking back I just don't feel anything for him.
So, like I say, I cannot believe I blew him.
Yes I realise looking at someone's facebook is slightly sad when you don't want anything to do with them. But I haven't been fb stalking him, it's been months since we spoke and as I had the opportunity to have a nosey, I did. Who can honestly say they've never taken the opportunity to find out what an ex is up to, either through talking to their friends or speaking to their mother? I've never gone that far. And after what I saw, I DEFINITELY have no desire to look at it - or him - again.
So not only is his picture completely pretentious and 'luvvie', which is a turn-off in itself, but he is now friends with and sycophantically kissing up to people he told me he hated. Not that I should be surprised; I witnessed him slagging off one of his supposed best friends to other friends for substantial periods of time. That was so much 'fun' to witness, nothing like feeling extremely uncomfortable and squirming. Guess he just wants to feel popular by having loads of friends on facebook, but it doesn't change the fact that he's two-faced.
But the worst thing is the videos he's added. Not only are they ridiculously boring and pretty pointless, not to mention extremely amateur, which makes me see just how boring and mundane his existence is, but seeing him and hearing his voice actually made me want to throw up. Not a good sign. But definitely what I would call extreme closure. Such a response shocked me, as I didn't concieve that I could feel like that about him.
What I've come to realise is how unattractive he is. Even the eyes which I spent hours gazing into, reading his soul - yeah whatever Phoenix - no longer hold any attraction for me. No wonder how happy he looked when he was walking around with me on his arm, I made him look so much better. He used to refer to people in terms of leagues, as in being out of his league, and perhaps he was right. Still, at least he seemed to adore me, although I wonder how true it ever was. He called me a goddess, and his divine voluptuous lady. Maybe him introducing me to his friends was to show he could pull a hot woman with amazing boobs. * Just to point out that's not how I see myself, but what he saw in me physically - allegedly. * But I feel like a fool. And it scares me that I could be so into someone, and then feel absolutely nothing physically for them a few months later.
This may sound like a bitter vitriolic fuck you, but it's genuinely not intended to be. It's an admission of my failings, and the fact that I was probably more in love with the idea of him, or who I thought he was, than the person he really is. Maybe the sex confused it. But I'm glad I no longer miss him, or have any desire for him.
The worst thing about it all is that I blew him. Yeah, whatever, you might be thinking. But for me, oral sex is an extremely intimate and loving act, and I don't do it to just anyone. The idea of having a cock in my mouth is actually not the most pleasant of thoughts when considered in an abstract or general sense, but when it belongs to the man I love and is a cock which arouses me and gives me great pleasure then I quite like it. As long as he is clean, not smelly, has no STDs and doesn't come in my mouth. So that's a few stipulations, but not too much to ask. It's what I do for them in regard to recieving oral, so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect good hygiene. He was good in this respect, but looking back I just don't feel anything for him.
So, like I say, I cannot believe I blew him.
Thursday 13 October 2011
Packaging
Sitting in Starbucks (no judgement please, the sofas are comfy and in the town I am currently temporarily inhabiting there's not a lot of choice for decent coffee). I've just looked around and realised how much packaging they use on their products. A group of 3 girls are drinking coffee and eating sandwiches (I'd kill for a cheese and marmite panini right now, but I can afford neither the money nor the carbs). The rubbish from their purchases is almost covering the table. I'm rather shocked.
No doubt some lovely shiny eco-conscious Starbucks spokeswoman would tell me it's all recyclable, but it does seem excessive. Has the 'War on Germs' (yes I use that expression disparagingly and sarcastically) and PC Health and Safety concerns overtaken the safety of our natural resources? It's all very well preventing people getting sick, but what happens when there are no more trees for said humans to breathe?
I digress - but what's new there. The reason for including this observation is to explain what got me thinking about packaging. Or in this case, the crap / facade / defensive mechanisms all humans hide behind. And also the way we present ourselves - clothes, hair, body - to make the inside seem more attractive.
My weakness is eyes. I'm a real sucker for them. I go nuts for them. A guy can be ugly as hell, but if he has good eyes...... And intellect. I need to be mentally stimulated and made to think about my opinions and beliefs.
I normally find it easy to talk to guys. I have male friends, a reasonably male sense of humour and I like hanging out with guys. Sometimes they are just that bit easier to take than women. Not always though; sometimes I need oestrogen. And some guys can be bitchier and more "typically female" than women. Given the fact that people are real, unique and complicated, I don't ascribe to gender stereotypes. But in general, I do enjoy spending time with men.
Until I like them - and then the whole field changes. I get tongue-tied, nervous and shy, and 'poof!' goes my confident exterior. I find myself wondering what their intentions are, what kind of person they are, what they're like in bed. I try not to show how I feel, which apparently contradicts all female flirting advice and effectively erects a barrier. Whilst simultaneously ensuring the lack of erection of something else. But according to my beloved friends, I am incapable of subtlety and thus when I like a guy it us bloody obvious and the source of much hilarity.
The worst thing is when I start to like a guy I didn't like before, someone I considered a mate and thus was completely myself with; i.e. not trying to be my fabulous self instead of clumsy goofy Phoenix. Given that I actually did not start to like my ex until it hit me like a truck reversing into my stomach, i.e. when we started kissing one night, and I had actually been flirting with another guy for a while in front of him, this scenario causes a whole lot of problems. Plus, how do you act around them once you realise? Do you keep being yourself, as that is what he has obviously fallen for, or do you try to be the glamourous, fabulous woman you want him to see you as? And how do you go from mate to date? If he doesn't like you, can you ever get your friendship back on track once you have revealed your true feelings to him?
Maybe the idea of a relationship is to be able to be yourself and they will love you for all that you are, but how bloody likely is that? Given that we are all flawed, yet judgemental of others and seek perfection in partners, how can we ever be truly happy?
No doubt some lovely shiny eco-conscious Starbucks spokeswoman would tell me it's all recyclable, but it does seem excessive. Has the 'War on Germs' (yes I use that expression disparagingly and sarcastically) and PC Health and Safety concerns overtaken the safety of our natural resources? It's all very well preventing people getting sick, but what happens when there are no more trees for said humans to breathe?
I digress - but what's new there. The reason for including this observation is to explain what got me thinking about packaging. Or in this case, the crap / facade / defensive mechanisms all humans hide behind. And also the way we present ourselves - clothes, hair, body - to make the inside seem more attractive.
My weakness is eyes. I'm a real sucker for them. I go nuts for them. A guy can be ugly as hell, but if he has good eyes...... And intellect. I need to be mentally stimulated and made to think about my opinions and beliefs.
I normally find it easy to talk to guys. I have male friends, a reasonably male sense of humour and I like hanging out with guys. Sometimes they are just that bit easier to take than women. Not always though; sometimes I need oestrogen. And some guys can be bitchier and more "typically female" than women. Given the fact that people are real, unique and complicated, I don't ascribe to gender stereotypes. But in general, I do enjoy spending time with men.
Until I like them - and then the whole field changes. I get tongue-tied, nervous and shy, and 'poof!' goes my confident exterior. I find myself wondering what their intentions are, what kind of person they are, what they're like in bed. I try not to show how I feel, which apparently contradicts all female flirting advice and effectively erects a barrier. Whilst simultaneously ensuring the lack of erection of something else. But according to my beloved friends, I am incapable of subtlety and thus when I like a guy it us bloody obvious and the source of much hilarity.
The worst thing is when I start to like a guy I didn't like before, someone I considered a mate and thus was completely myself with; i.e. not trying to be my fabulous self instead of clumsy goofy Phoenix. Given that I actually did not start to like my ex until it hit me like a truck reversing into my stomach, i.e. when we started kissing one night, and I had actually been flirting with another guy for a while in front of him, this scenario causes a whole lot of problems. Plus, how do you act around them once you realise? Do you keep being yourself, as that is what he has obviously fallen for, or do you try to be the glamourous, fabulous woman you want him to see you as? And how do you go from mate to date? If he doesn't like you, can you ever get your friendship back on track once you have revealed your true feelings to him?
Maybe the idea of a relationship is to be able to be yourself and they will love you for all that you are, but how bloody likely is that? Given that we are all flawed, yet judgemental of others and seek perfection in partners, how can we ever be truly happy?
Actions, intentions, and a whole lot more besides
They say that actions speak louder than words. But what about when actions speak louder than intentions?
We are judged on what we do, not what we think. So far, Kafka's thought police remains merely a nasty idea in this country. So only our actions can be known. Unless we decide to discuss what we are thinking - in which case we open ourselves up to criticism of our thought processes.
But we are seen by others through the lens of our behaviours. This has led me to realise that what I think and feel are secondary to what I do.
Everyone has thoughts, feelings and urges. This is human nature. Human nature has been debated by religious scholars for thousands of years with a lot of different theories and arguments in existence. The extent to which we can control or suppress our urges is a topic under increasingly intense scrutiny since the growth of globalisation - the more we learn about other cultures and beliefs, the more we question our own. That questioning can then lead to a renewed sense of faith in our beliefs, or a crisis in which we question what we know and what we believe to be true.
Religious devotees choose to reject the pleasures of the flesh in order to commune with their deity. Buddhist monks, Catholic nuns.... As I've said before I have the utmost respect for this practise, and of course I do not cast aspersions on their devotion.
But I do wonder - do they really never have any sexual thoughts? Is that even possible, to train the mind to focus only on religion? Can you talk yourself out of human instinct? Of course it's possible to never express any such urges. It's even possible to never say that you have these thoughts. But can you ever really lie to yourself and convince yourself? Do such sexual thoughts disappear over time? I know a lot of older people don't have sex. They may not even talk about it. But it doesn't mean they don't want it, or remember how good it was.
Maybe when shielded from the world and its pressures, living a life removed from what so many of us call reality, electing to be in a single-sex grouping and not leaving the confines of the monastery / convent, it is easier to circumnavigate sexual urges. But when out in the world, continuing to work and live and socialise with others who do have sex, it is a much harder thing to do to give up sex. Quite a few of the responses I have recieved to this piece of information have been shock, disbelief, and refusal to accept that I will maintain it. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, but I'm determined to give it a damn good try.
And if the Whirling Dervishes of Konya can see their dizziness as communion with God, when there is a physiological reason for their heightened emotional state, surely an orgasm constitutes a direct link to God, especially when so many people say "Oh my God" as they come?
Not trying to be controversial or disrespectful, I'm just thinking.
We are judged on what we do, not what we think. So far, Kafka's thought police remains merely a nasty idea in this country. So only our actions can be known. Unless we decide to discuss what we are thinking - in which case we open ourselves up to criticism of our thought processes.
But we are seen by others through the lens of our behaviours. This has led me to realise that what I think and feel are secondary to what I do.
Everyone has thoughts, feelings and urges. This is human nature. Human nature has been debated by religious scholars for thousands of years with a lot of different theories and arguments in existence. The extent to which we can control or suppress our urges is a topic under increasingly intense scrutiny since the growth of globalisation - the more we learn about other cultures and beliefs, the more we question our own. That questioning can then lead to a renewed sense of faith in our beliefs, or a crisis in which we question what we know and what we believe to be true.
Religious devotees choose to reject the pleasures of the flesh in order to commune with their deity. Buddhist monks, Catholic nuns.... As I've said before I have the utmost respect for this practise, and of course I do not cast aspersions on their devotion.
But I do wonder - do they really never have any sexual thoughts? Is that even possible, to train the mind to focus only on religion? Can you talk yourself out of human instinct? Of course it's possible to never express any such urges. It's even possible to never say that you have these thoughts. But can you ever really lie to yourself and convince yourself? Do such sexual thoughts disappear over time? I know a lot of older people don't have sex. They may not even talk about it. But it doesn't mean they don't want it, or remember how good it was.
Maybe when shielded from the world and its pressures, living a life removed from what so many of us call reality, electing to be in a single-sex grouping and not leaving the confines of the monastery / convent, it is easier to circumnavigate sexual urges. But when out in the world, continuing to work and live and socialise with others who do have sex, it is a much harder thing to do to give up sex. Quite a few of the responses I have recieved to this piece of information have been shock, disbelief, and refusal to accept that I will maintain it. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, but I'm determined to give it a damn good try.
And if the Whirling Dervishes of Konya can see their dizziness as communion with God, when there is a physiological reason for their heightened emotional state, surely an orgasm constitutes a direct link to God, especially when so many people say "Oh my God" as they come?
Not trying to be controversial or disrespectful, I'm just thinking.
In vino veritas
This important Latin verb translates as, in wine, truth. Or as we say it in modern English, when you're drunk the truth comes out. In my experience that's very true, but then comes the fallout and hangover, in which we have to deal with drunken mistakes.
I've found recently that when my mind is not clouded with romantic complications, I can see things with a bit more perspective and I can actually see what I want from myself, from life and from those around me.
Don't get me wrong, I am still lusty, but this has been diminished somewhat. Whether this is due to a mental personal weekend (which at least showed me how strong I can be for those who need me) or the realisation that my vow to myself is more important than a reducing-every-day attraction to my colleague - which could never go anywhere given that I have 2 days left at work and will in all likelihood never see him again. Who knows. But at least I'm not being driven insane by carnal desires today. Which is a rather nice change from the other week!
When we diet, our willpower is stretched. Initially we are going crazy with that which is being denied to us, made all the more worse by the fact that it is a self-inflicted torture. Although for some the fact that they are controlling themselves gives them a buzz and helps to maintain the denial. After a time (different length for every person), we start to crave it less as it makes its way out our systems. Although I'm not sure this is the case with sex, given that a) I'm not addicted, b) we need sex for procreational and health reasons, c) sex is not something that is bad for you, and d) sex is not a substance which can make its way out of your body. As was recently pointed out to me, I can still have chocolate. But given that it is not chocolate I was craving, I don't want it. Factor in the fact that frequent chocolate makes you fat while frequent sex makes you slim, and I have yet another compelling reason to say no to Mr Galaxy. I am absolutely adamant that I will not replace one with the other.
I've found recently that when my mind is not clouded with romantic complications, I can see things with a bit more perspective and I can actually see what I want from myself, from life and from those around me.
Don't get me wrong, I am still lusty, but this has been diminished somewhat. Whether this is due to a mental personal weekend (which at least showed me how strong I can be for those who need me) or the realisation that my vow to myself is more important than a reducing-every-day attraction to my colleague - which could never go anywhere given that I have 2 days left at work and will in all likelihood never see him again. Who knows. But at least I'm not being driven insane by carnal desires today. Which is a rather nice change from the other week!
When we diet, our willpower is stretched. Initially we are going crazy with that which is being denied to us, made all the more worse by the fact that it is a self-inflicted torture. Although for some the fact that they are controlling themselves gives them a buzz and helps to maintain the denial. After a time (different length for every person), we start to crave it less as it makes its way out our systems. Although I'm not sure this is the case with sex, given that a) I'm not addicted, b) we need sex for procreational and health reasons, c) sex is not something that is bad for you, and d) sex is not a substance which can make its way out of your body. As was recently pointed out to me, I can still have chocolate. But given that it is not chocolate I was craving, I don't want it. Factor in the fact that frequent chocolate makes you fat while frequent sex makes you slim, and I have yet another compelling reason to say no to Mr Galaxy. I am absolutely adamant that I will not replace one with the other.
Becoming more peaceful
Reality is kicking in. I really do not have time for a relationship right now. There is so much going on in my life that I don't have room for complications, or even the energy required to sustain a connection with someone.
You get out what you put in to everything. So the little I could put into a relationship would be very unsatisfactory. Not to mention very unfair on the other person.
I miss the closeness. But not as much as I was. Marked decrease, which feels positive. I'm looking forward to concentrating on my career properly, getting fit and toning my tummy (worst problem area), and generally getting my head together. I think it's actually pretty mature to acknowledge you need to grow. So many people are unhappy, and moan about it, but how many people actually do something about it?
I need to decide where I want to spend Christmas. I feel like skipping it this year. It's never been my favourite holiday, and I want to spend it in a non Christian country. Though that will probably be expensive. I haven't been single for 10 years and I think it will be the time I really feel alone, so I'd rather avoid it if possible.
I'm sat in the park writing this, it's a beautiful autumn day and there's a kind of magic in the air. The cloudless blue sky is contrasting so wonderfully with the changing leaves. Red gold yellow and brown. Definitely my favourite season. And it's nice to be wrapping up in thick jumpers again. The park is full of office workers and students on lunch. There is a very affectionate couple sat opposite me. It's nice, and they seem happy, but it's just too much work and too much effort for me right now.
You get out what you put in to everything. So the little I could put into a relationship would be very unsatisfactory. Not to mention very unfair on the other person.
I miss the closeness. But not as much as I was. Marked decrease, which feels positive. I'm looking forward to concentrating on my career properly, getting fit and toning my tummy (worst problem area), and generally getting my head together. I think it's actually pretty mature to acknowledge you need to grow. So many people are unhappy, and moan about it, but how many people actually do something about it?
I need to decide where I want to spend Christmas. I feel like skipping it this year. It's never been my favourite holiday, and I want to spend it in a non Christian country. Though that will probably be expensive. I haven't been single for 10 years and I think it will be the time I really feel alone, so I'd rather avoid it if possible.
I'm sat in the park writing this, it's a beautiful autumn day and there's a kind of magic in the air. The cloudless blue sky is contrasting so wonderfully with the changing leaves. Red gold yellow and brown. Definitely my favourite season. And it's nice to be wrapping up in thick jumpers again. The park is full of office workers and students on lunch. There is a very affectionate couple sat opposite me. It's nice, and they seem happy, but it's just too much work and too much effort for me right now.
Flirting becomes boring
It's been a while since I've flirted with anyone. Day by day, my attraction to my colleague has been decreasing. Nothing he's done especially, but more of an "actually I'm alright thanks" attitude on my part. So this time spent not doing what I was used to has instead been dedicated to thinking. And observing the world around me.
It has struck me just how much confusion and chaos is caused by the simple act of flirting. For both sexes. But I've been thinking about male behaviours recently and so it is to those I am referring now.
Women tend to see a guy who flirts as in to her. Or maybe as a bit of a lad. Possibly just trying to get involved and not be too obvious about it. Maybe he uses it to cover up his insecurities and be seen as fun and exciting. But my conclusions are a tad more simple. Who knows, I could be wrong. But it's amazing how much easier it is to be objective when you remove yourself from a situation and look at it as though a passer-by.
Maybe some guys like to flirt. Maybe some of them just want the attention. But it would be helpful if they were more fucking explicit in their intentions.
I'm glad I'm not flirting with guys I work with anymore. But I am a bit bored here. Everyone here is coupled up, living here and working permanently. Homes, hobbies, husbands. I, by contrast, feel as though I am still at summer camp and thus miss being hedonistic. I am glad I have applied the brakes and slowed down a gear, but slowing down does give me more time to think. Which I don't like so much.
I'm glad I'm doing this, sorting out who I am and what I'm about. Sorting out my relationship behaviours so I can get back to being me again. Single really is the best way for me to be free. But right now starvation and total self-deprivation is so not fun.
Will I really manage to keep this going for another 47 weeks? It will be interesting to see where this voyage of self-discovery takes me. I cannot envisage what will happen, but hopefully in a year I'll be stronger, independent and wiser.
Or not. But I'm sure it will be an interesting journey. Just gotta stick to it. Thank god for cigarettes.
It has struck me just how much confusion and chaos is caused by the simple act of flirting. For both sexes. But I've been thinking about male behaviours recently and so it is to those I am referring now.
Women tend to see a guy who flirts as in to her. Or maybe as a bit of a lad. Possibly just trying to get involved and not be too obvious about it. Maybe he uses it to cover up his insecurities and be seen as fun and exciting. But my conclusions are a tad more simple. Who knows, I could be wrong. But it's amazing how much easier it is to be objective when you remove yourself from a situation and look at it as though a passer-by.
Maybe some guys like to flirt. Maybe some of them just want the attention. But it would be helpful if they were more fucking explicit in their intentions.
I'm glad I'm not flirting with guys I work with anymore. But I am a bit bored here. Everyone here is coupled up, living here and working permanently. Homes, hobbies, husbands. I, by contrast, feel as though I am still at summer camp and thus miss being hedonistic. I am glad I have applied the brakes and slowed down a gear, but slowing down does give me more time to think. Which I don't like so much.
I'm glad I'm doing this, sorting out who I am and what I'm about. Sorting out my relationship behaviours so I can get back to being me again. Single really is the best way for me to be free. But right now starvation and total self-deprivation is so not fun.
Will I really manage to keep this going for another 47 weeks? It will be interesting to see where this voyage of self-discovery takes me. I cannot envisage what will happen, but hopefully in a year I'll be stronger, independent and wiser.
Or not. But I'm sure it will be an interesting journey. Just gotta stick to it. Thank god for cigarettes.
Friday 7 October 2011
Monogamy - as outdated as wood?
So, as you may have gathered, I have come to the realisation that I need to grow up and stop leaning on men for support. That scares me, as I wrote something very similar 8 years ago. I know I have grown up a bit, but I'm scared I'm still the same person. IS it possible for personal development to stop for 8 years, when you're NOT addicted to drugs? And I'm annoyed with myself for how often I use 'but' in my writing; poor English skills Phoenix!
Not having a break from men for 10 years essentially means I have been in the same relationship for 10 years. No wonder my growth has stagnated. The guys have been interchangeable, but have I ever respected their differences and treated them as individuals, instead of just seeing them as 'they guy I am involved with'?
What I really find myself wondering tonight is, will I ever find a man who gives me everything I need, or am I destined to always want more than 1 person at a time? I don't believe in monogamy, but I do it because that's what the guy usually wants. A few times I have slipped, but I have tried to hide it from them to protect their feelings. It's not about lying, I'd love to admit to wanting an open relationship, but as many men know, saying that out loud is so hurtful to the person who only wants you. It doesn't mean you want them any less, its just saying you want to have freedom to engage with others. I wouldn't be hurt if I was told this, I'd applaud it - and possibly participate depending on how hot she was and if she was up for it (of course). But as I have discovered, there seems to be an unfortunate correlation between longevity of relationship and frequency of lovemaking. Maybe I get unsexier the longer I'm in a relationship, maybe they get more comfortable with me - but I need it often or I get bored. At least I have the courage of conviction to admit that. It may not be a classy thing to admit to, and it may not be socially acceptable, but I am being honest (and blogging under a username to keep things anonymous).
But my fundamental question is - What's wrong with seeking different things from different people? Maybe that's healthier - if we have more than one platonic friend, who we accept the flaws of, and friends to do different activities with, why do we expect one partner to encompass it all? Maybe we should try to be happy and stop waiting to be saved. Or maybe we should be more open-minded to the idea of multiple partners. Long as everyone uses condoms and respects one another, whats the problem with open relationships?
Perhaps I should have been born in the Sixties
Not having a break from men for 10 years essentially means I have been in the same relationship for 10 years. No wonder my growth has stagnated. The guys have been interchangeable, but have I ever respected their differences and treated them as individuals, instead of just seeing them as 'they guy I am involved with'?
What I really find myself wondering tonight is, will I ever find a man who gives me everything I need, or am I destined to always want more than 1 person at a time? I don't believe in monogamy, but I do it because that's what the guy usually wants. A few times I have slipped, but I have tried to hide it from them to protect their feelings. It's not about lying, I'd love to admit to wanting an open relationship, but as many men know, saying that out loud is so hurtful to the person who only wants you. It doesn't mean you want them any less, its just saying you want to have freedom to engage with others. I wouldn't be hurt if I was told this, I'd applaud it - and possibly participate depending on how hot she was and if she was up for it (of course). But as I have discovered, there seems to be an unfortunate correlation between longevity of relationship and frequency of lovemaking. Maybe I get unsexier the longer I'm in a relationship, maybe they get more comfortable with me - but I need it often or I get bored. At least I have the courage of conviction to admit that. It may not be a classy thing to admit to, and it may not be socially acceptable, but I am being honest (and blogging under a username to keep things anonymous).
But my fundamental question is - What's wrong with seeking different things from different people? Maybe that's healthier - if we have more than one platonic friend, who we accept the flaws of, and friends to do different activities with, why do we expect one partner to encompass it all? Maybe we should try to be happy and stop waiting to be saved. Or maybe we should be more open-minded to the idea of multiple partners. Long as everyone uses condoms and respects one another, whats the problem with open relationships?
Perhaps I should have been born in the Sixties
The third sign of madness
They say the first sign of madness is talking to yourself, and the second sign is responding to yourself. In my opinion, the third sign of madness is quoting Romeo to yourself as you wander through the park.
King George went mad from syphillis. Is it possible to go mad from deprivation and self-repression? I almost wish I had a religious reason to undergo this project, as I think that would be a better motivator than 'I have crap taste in men' and 'I want to focus on my career'.
But I digress. Here are my choice thoughts for the day. Why on earth did I think I could stick to this.....?
'Ah me, sad hours seem long'.
I believe it was the greatest literary romantic of all who uttered these desolate words. Or perhaps the greatest fool for love.
A more personally appropriate one for me would be, 'ah me, bored hours doth drag on so'. Work today has dragged like an absolute bitch. What's not helping is that I am (not-so) slightly attracted to the colleague with whom I was enjoying a mutual flirt sesh the other week (see 'Cold Turkey Kicks In'). Said rugger bugger looks like a taller, sexier, hotter version of Prince William, with a much nicer arse. And blueberry eyes that could cut glass and I could drown in.
Add to this fact my annoyance that I work with him and therefore would violate my 'don't get involved with people from work' rule, and you have a slightly irritated Phoenix_from_the_flames.
I guess the fact is that as much as my brain might be telling me and my heart to calm down, it cannot control or suppress my hormones. Never one for doing things by halves, I have decided romantic starvation is the only way forward. Emotionally and personally, it's the best thing. But physically? Argh!
Writing this makes me sound like a sex addict. I'm not. I'm human.
Chatting to a girlfriend today, she thinks it is admirable but unrealistic. Or I will maintain it until I absolutely cannot control myself anymore. In her words, "It would be tough for most normal people to do - so it will be hell for you!" I have to stick to this. So I'm blogging to vent my frustrations and keep myself on track. If I didn't, I'd fall off the wagon within a week. Change is always tough, especially when it is ingrained behaviour. But it's really hard not to flirt with the gorgeous royal-a-like, especially when I feel like this could be the one. And therein lies my problem - I always feel like the next guy could be the one, when I don't stick around long after I discover they are flawed.
And anyway, I don't think he likes me in that way. So I'm not gonna throw myself at him. If he does, he has to show me. And if not, it just shows I am doing the right thing.
But on what feels like a summer's day, there's nothing like a little flirt - and sexual tension makes the day pass so much quicker. I'm a bit of a minx - I like an illicit thrill - but I also like trusting guys; and working and socialising with them allows you to do that. Especially as I don't - and have never done - meeting guys in bars, or one-night stands.
King George went mad from syphillis. Is it possible to go mad from deprivation and self-repression? I almost wish I had a religious reason to undergo this project, as I think that would be a better motivator than 'I have crap taste in men' and 'I want to focus on my career'.
But I digress. Here are my choice thoughts for the day. Why on earth did I think I could stick to this.....?
'Ah me, sad hours seem long'.
I believe it was the greatest literary romantic of all who uttered these desolate words. Or perhaps the greatest fool for love.
A more personally appropriate one for me would be, 'ah me, bored hours doth drag on so'. Work today has dragged like an absolute bitch. What's not helping is that I am (not-so) slightly attracted to the colleague with whom I was enjoying a mutual flirt sesh the other week (see 'Cold Turkey Kicks In'). Said rugger bugger looks like a taller, sexier, hotter version of Prince William, with a much nicer arse. And blueberry eyes that could cut glass and I could drown in.
Add to this fact my annoyance that I work with him and therefore would violate my 'don't get involved with people from work' rule, and you have a slightly irritated Phoenix_from_the_flames.
I guess the fact is that as much as my brain might be telling me and my heart to calm down, it cannot control or suppress my hormones. Never one for doing things by halves, I have decided romantic starvation is the only way forward. Emotionally and personally, it's the best thing. But physically? Argh!
Writing this makes me sound like a sex addict. I'm not. I'm human.
Chatting to a girlfriend today, she thinks it is admirable but unrealistic. Or I will maintain it until I absolutely cannot control myself anymore. In her words, "It would be tough for most normal people to do - so it will be hell for you!" I have to stick to this. So I'm blogging to vent my frustrations and keep myself on track. If I didn't, I'd fall off the wagon within a week. Change is always tough, especially when it is ingrained behaviour. But it's really hard not to flirt with the gorgeous royal-a-like, especially when I feel like this could be the one. And therein lies my problem - I always feel like the next guy could be the one, when I don't stick around long after I discover they are flawed.
And anyway, I don't think he likes me in that way. So I'm not gonna throw myself at him. If he does, he has to show me. And if not, it just shows I am doing the right thing.
But on what feels like a summer's day, there's nothing like a little flirt - and sexual tension makes the day pass so much quicker. I'm a bit of a minx - I like an illicit thrill - but I also like trusting guys; and working and socialising with them allows you to do that. Especially as I don't - and have never done - meeting guys in bars, or one-night stands.
Lock, stock, and totally without a cock
"Mr Braker. Today, my name, is Mr Braker". This line from Brit classic Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels sums up my mood today.
Undesirable. Today, my name is undesirable. Alternating between horny-as-hell, and not-being-able-to-do-anything-about-it-so-what's-the-point-in-being-horny. Not being able to flirt is kinda getting me down and I feel like an absolute frump. But what's really pissing me off is the realisation that I am so dependent on male attention for my self-esteem. So fucking pathetic. So much for Little Miss Independent.
I miss having someone. I miss kissing. I miss flirting. I miss the excitement that comes in the early days and he texts you. I miss dating. I miss anticipation, excitement and butterflies in the stomach.
But I miss sex. Passion, fireworks and earth-shattering orgasms. Whoever said it's better to have loved and lost than not loved at all is an absolute idiot. Especially considering my favourite time of year is coming (Halloween to Xmas) and I'll be spending it absolutely alone.
Undesirable. Today, my name is undesirable. Alternating between horny-as-hell, and not-being-able-to-do-anything-about-it-so-what's-the-point-in-being-horny. Not being able to flirt is kinda getting me down and I feel like an absolute frump. But what's really pissing me off is the realisation that I am so dependent on male attention for my self-esteem. So fucking pathetic. So much for Little Miss Independent.
I miss having someone. I miss kissing. I miss flirting. I miss the excitement that comes in the early days and he texts you. I miss dating. I miss anticipation, excitement and butterflies in the stomach.
But I miss sex. Passion, fireworks and earth-shattering orgasms. Whoever said it's better to have loved and lost than not loved at all is an absolute idiot. Especially considering my favourite time of year is coming (Halloween to Xmas) and I'll be spending it absolutely alone.
Wednesday 5 October 2011
Introspection
So, its been a few days since I've posted, due to lack of internet access and extremely stressful weekend. I carried on writing but couldn't put it up on here. I'll post it soon.
In the spirit of honesty and disclosure which this blog is (supposed to) enable, I have a confession to make - the vegetarian ate beef. Or rather, I caved and had a play. I was going absolutely stir-crazy (as is slightly obvious re-reading my post from Sunday), and I needed the release. It served a purpose. But the saddest thing was that while I played, I found myself fantasising about my ex. And when I came, I felt empty. It's a sad day when someone as passionate, as loving, as sexual as me cannot enjoy an orgasm. Especially since it had been so bloody long since I had had one! But the truth is, I miss him. Not enough to try again, or even contact him (although thank God I had deleted his number because the mood I was in, I was sorely tempted). But how crap is it to describe a long-overdue orgasm as 'serving a purpose'?!
The thing that scares me is that I got involved with him when I was really not looking to get involved. In fact, at that time I had massive, justifiable trust issues with men. So given my utter refusal to get involved with anyone for another 50 weeks (give or take one or two), I am petrified that I am now more attractive as Sod's Law would have it. Who knows, I probably look like crap, and not having any male appreciation doesn't help with feeling like a fatty at the moment, but I digress. The point is I am not open to it, but that's when I met the last one who I absolutely fell for. We may not have been together long, but he did so much to restore my faith in humanity, as well as the intense spiritual, physical, personal and chemical connection we shared, that I do miss him on occasion. But the git invading my orgasm just showed me how necessary this sexual anorexia is.
This post wasn't supposed to be about him. I just want to forget him. Not in a nasty way, but to move on. I don't think of him anywhere near as much as I used to, but I still miss his presence. Had I not played, he wouldn't have invaded. But I guess its not his fault. And at the very least, I am starting to notice changes in my approaches to things, and I am able to step back from myself and notice patterns of behaviour, and catching myself before I mindlessly repeat these mistakes. So perhaps these 3-ish weeks have taught me something so far.
I used to pride myself on having a similar sex life to Samantha in Sex and the City. Nowhere near as many, not as casual (no one-night-stands for me), but I saw myself as liberated and getting what I wanted when I wanted it. The fuck buddies were trustworthy, and good blokes, and I always enjoyed myself with them. I don't speak to them anymore, not for any negative reason but because why would we stay in touch? That period of our time together is over, and that's fine. But I think the biggest issue is that now sex, for me, needs to be accompanied by genuine and intense emotion and connection. So when I do come out of sexual hibernation, I will probably be freaking scared of going there with a new guy and getting hurt. Standard I know, but this puts more pressure on them to be what I need. As I hate Disney's Prince Charming theory instilled in pretty much every little girl for the last 30 years, given that it pressures and burdens them, I gotta find a way round this. The purpose of this is to grow, rebuild, and become independent (but not isolate myself and push others away). So hopefully by the time this hypothetical scenario becomes a possibility, I will be in a strong place - and also not rush into a new relationship,thereby negating the trust issue. Or maybe not. Who knows, it's so flipping far away. But I do know that if I can learn so much in 3 weeks, I am likely to learn a hell of a lot more in the next 50.
But the thing bothering me as I write this is - will the sex be worth the emotional investment? The best sex I have ever had is with the someones I really felt for (3 in ten years = not so bad), but in my experience there is a window of time in which you either get it on or not - and if you don't by then, you end up as friends, albeit with unresolved sexual tension and its subsequent problems. But I'm worried that I'll meet someone, hold off having sex with them until I love them, but then the sex is crap and I'm stuck loving someone I don't want physically. That may sound okay to some, but I cannot settle for that. I get that sex in relationships peaks and troughs, but as a passionate fiery person I need to physically express my feelings for the person I love. Not to mention sex unites a couple. And also once you decide to wait it puts pressure on the first time when it does happen. It's different waiting as a teenager, there is an acceptance that you might not be ready, but as adults there seems to be a rush into the bedroom - and waiting is seen by many guys as being a prick-tease. And if it starts to get physically intense between you but you want to wait, how do you know a fully grown adult man will be able to control himself and not accidentally go too far?
In the spirit of honesty and disclosure which this blog is (supposed to) enable, I have a confession to make - the vegetarian ate beef. Or rather, I caved and had a play. I was going absolutely stir-crazy (as is slightly obvious re-reading my post from Sunday), and I needed the release. It served a purpose. But the saddest thing was that while I played, I found myself fantasising about my ex. And when I came, I felt empty. It's a sad day when someone as passionate, as loving, as sexual as me cannot enjoy an orgasm. Especially since it had been so bloody long since I had had one! But the truth is, I miss him. Not enough to try again, or even contact him (although thank God I had deleted his number because the mood I was in, I was sorely tempted). But how crap is it to describe a long-overdue orgasm as 'serving a purpose'?!
The thing that scares me is that I got involved with him when I was really not looking to get involved. In fact, at that time I had massive, justifiable trust issues with men. So given my utter refusal to get involved with anyone for another 50 weeks (give or take one or two), I am petrified that I am now more attractive as Sod's Law would have it. Who knows, I probably look like crap, and not having any male appreciation doesn't help with feeling like a fatty at the moment, but I digress. The point is I am not open to it, but that's when I met the last one who I absolutely fell for. We may not have been together long, but he did so much to restore my faith in humanity, as well as the intense spiritual, physical, personal and chemical connection we shared, that I do miss him on occasion. But the git invading my orgasm just showed me how necessary this sexual anorexia is.
This post wasn't supposed to be about him. I just want to forget him. Not in a nasty way, but to move on. I don't think of him anywhere near as much as I used to, but I still miss his presence. Had I not played, he wouldn't have invaded. But I guess its not his fault. And at the very least, I am starting to notice changes in my approaches to things, and I am able to step back from myself and notice patterns of behaviour, and catching myself before I mindlessly repeat these mistakes. So perhaps these 3-ish weeks have taught me something so far.
I used to pride myself on having a similar sex life to Samantha in Sex and the City. Nowhere near as many, not as casual (no one-night-stands for me), but I saw myself as liberated and getting what I wanted when I wanted it. The fuck buddies were trustworthy, and good blokes, and I always enjoyed myself with them. I don't speak to them anymore, not for any negative reason but because why would we stay in touch? That period of our time together is over, and that's fine. But I think the biggest issue is that now sex, for me, needs to be accompanied by genuine and intense emotion and connection. So when I do come out of sexual hibernation, I will probably be freaking scared of going there with a new guy and getting hurt. Standard I know, but this puts more pressure on them to be what I need. As I hate Disney's Prince Charming theory instilled in pretty much every little girl for the last 30 years, given that it pressures and burdens them, I gotta find a way round this. The purpose of this is to grow, rebuild, and become independent (but not isolate myself and push others away). So hopefully by the time this hypothetical scenario becomes a possibility, I will be in a strong place - and also not rush into a new relationship,thereby negating the trust issue. Or maybe not. Who knows, it's so flipping far away. But I do know that if I can learn so much in 3 weeks, I am likely to learn a hell of a lot more in the next 50.
But the thing bothering me as I write this is - will the sex be worth the emotional investment? The best sex I have ever had is with the someones I really felt for (3 in ten years = not so bad), but in my experience there is a window of time in which you either get it on or not - and if you don't by then, you end up as friends, albeit with unresolved sexual tension and its subsequent problems. But I'm worried that I'll meet someone, hold off having sex with them until I love them, but then the sex is crap and I'm stuck loving someone I don't want physically. That may sound okay to some, but I cannot settle for that. I get that sex in relationships peaks and troughs, but as a passionate fiery person I need to physically express my feelings for the person I love. Not to mention sex unites a couple. And also once you decide to wait it puts pressure on the first time when it does happen. It's different waiting as a teenager, there is an acceptance that you might not be ready, but as adults there seems to be a rush into the bedroom - and waiting is seen by many guys as being a prick-tease. And if it starts to get physically intense between you but you want to wait, how do you know a fully grown adult man will be able to control himself and not accidentally go too far?
Sunday 2 October 2011
Cravings
I need to get laid. Now. I have an absolutely desperate and unquenchable need to have sex.
I have so much crazy shit going on in my personal life that I need the pleasure, the forgetting, the absolute bliss that comes with amazing sex. Why the hell did I think I could do this for a year? What on earth is wrong with me?
I don’t even have anyone I can trust to sleep with here. In Manchester I had 2 fuck buddies, reliable and decent guys I could call and depend on when I had the urge. And they were always there, always ready and ALWAYS satisfying. So why don’t I have that here? I forgot how much time it takes to build that up, the trust and safety of the fuck buddy. I miss that. I could handle having sex with a fuck buddy right now, someone I could trust to make me come so much I forget my name.
My ex scorched my soul, indelibly branded himself there. It doesn’t help that he was the best I have ever had and was always guaranteed to send me to another planet. Right now I’m sorely tempted to get in touch with him and get laid. But he’s in another town and for him, sex between us is emotional. Dammit. So no contact with him. But tonight I really need to get laid. So instead I’ll have a large glass of wine and hopefully knock myself out enough to forget these urges which today are driving me to distraction. Fuck. I so cannot stick to this, I need sex. I miss sex. The fact I cannot even masturbate doesn’t help matters either.
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