7th November (posted later)

Hurting seems a particularly apt topic today given that it would have been mine and my ex's anniversary.  Also the most recent guy's bday but I will nor be texting him. Why the hell would I?! Just seems kinda hard today.

There are a few cute guys at work but no way in hell am I going there. Regardless of the fact that I work with these people, I am self cogniscent enough to recognise that I just am not in the right place for a relationship. At least I am honouring what TLOML and I had by not replacing him. Yes I did get involved with someone rather quickly but looking back now, I just needed some comfort and a big manly frame to wrap around me. Now, where I'm at is, if I'm getting involved then it has to be the real thing.
I've felt this kind of pain only once before. When I split with the guy I lost my virginity to, after almost 3 years. I messed around with other guys and had a lot of fun, but then I got in a relationship for a year and half which just wasn't all there. A bloody struggle for most of the time. God knows what it did to him. So I know the emotional consequences of getting romantically involved too soon.
Not only that, but TLOML was to all extents and purposes my husband. I no longer live in our home with our pets. But neither does he. So that sucks.
I'm also very conscious of the fact that I have no relationship past 4 years. The idea of spending the next 4 years investing in something which will eventually fail and tear me up even more is not a prospect I relish. I will then be even older and unable to recover from more heartbreak.
At uni my friend predicted that I would have 3 marriages. Whether or not that includes TLOML remains to be seen. But the idea of going through this twice more is inconceivable. And making a fool of yourself 3 times saying in front of loved ones that you pledge forever? Embarrassing. Not to mention the waste of money.
The '3' prediction was matched by colleague when she read my palm. That prediction said 3 relationships so have I only got one more to be in? Or is more like 3 strikes and you're out?
 
One good thing has come of this though. My libido has gone securely back into hiding. Let's hope it stays there.