Oh dear. I find myself watching 'The Only Way is Essex'. It's pretty funny (but also a demeaning and shallow piss-poor insight into life in an area of England). Its all about sex and relationships. I was fine about my newly-commenced celibacy - until I saw Mario's naked arse in a totally-staged-but-still-hot shot of him just out the shower.
Having a good chat with my friend tonight just reminded me of how much I tend to throw my broken-hearted self into rebounds every time I walk away from a long-term relationship. My unconscious philosophy has always been to find someone else to play with, someone else to shag until I get over the relationship. Maybe not healthy but pretty standard. Then by the time that's done I have someone else to play with.
So knowing I am forbidding myself from doing that is going to be bloody tough. I can lie to everyone else, but I cannot lie to myself. I need to have this break and get over all of it.
But its gonna be fucking tough, especially when my libido is being denied and is therefore screaming for some attention. Shit.
Sunday 25 September 2011
Cold turkey kicks in
Have been doing this for less than a week. Found myself flirting with a guy at work the other night on a work night out, and caught myself. He was very cute, but a total player. Rugby playing confident cheeky blonde boy, just my type. Excused myself and went to the bathroom for a stern self-bollocking.
Truth is, human interaction is extremely common, it happens all the time. And it feels so wrong to be denying the possibility of something when we are taught, from infanthood, that Mr Right is waiting, if only we make ourselves look a certain way and behave in a certain manner to attract and keep him. Having espoused the dangers of Disney and the sheer absurdity of depending on someone else to resolve your imperfections and 'complete' you, I have become aware that I, whilst not doing this to that degree, was essentially scared to be alone.
Being single is amazing.Its really nice to curl up with a book for hours in my sweatpants, or stay in on a Saturday night and have a bath with a glass of wine and a facemask. I don't have to justify my smoking to anyone, nor make sure I shave my legs. I don't have to put up with someone else's family or endure the football anymore. I can essentially do what I want, when I want to. I am free.
Except being single really sucks. I think when you're in a relationship you take it for granted that you have someone else's support, someone else's affection and time. Obviously here I am referring to healthy relationships, not abusive ones. I miss the intimacy. I miss the private jokes. I miss the sex. I miss being curled up in his arms on the sofa. I miss the hours spent staring in each other's eyes, looking into his soul and seeing myself there. I miss him spending 2 hours making me handmade pasta from scratch, and standng talking and kissing in the kitchen while he did it. I miss the mutual friends being round our home and all laughing together, nights round the kitchen table while we shared the cooking and entertaining. I miss going to restaurants together and keeping the waiter waiting because he keeps kissing me tenderly over the table. I miss missing him. I miss the anticipation of seeing him, knowing I am coming home to a giant hug and those magical arms which, when around you, make the whole world go away and everything seem right. I miss how beautiful the world seems when you walk in the park or along the beach. I miss the shared sunsets. I miss the plans we had which will never now be realised, the dreams we had of things we would see do and discover together. I ended it, but I still miss it all. Just not the crap stuff.
Wow. Writing that was pretty cathartic. I don't think I knew, until I just read that back to myself, how much I miss him. So this imposed singledom is the best idea for me. Celibacy as a definition usually refers to just sex, but in my case I am taking it to mean any kind of romantic involvement, so not even flirting with anyone. It has to be this way and I am going to prove to myself I can do this and I do not need a man.
Truth is, human interaction is extremely common, it happens all the time. And it feels so wrong to be denying the possibility of something when we are taught, from infanthood, that Mr Right is waiting, if only we make ourselves look a certain way and behave in a certain manner to attract and keep him. Having espoused the dangers of Disney and the sheer absurdity of depending on someone else to resolve your imperfections and 'complete' you, I have become aware that I, whilst not doing this to that degree, was essentially scared to be alone.
Being single is amazing.Its really nice to curl up with a book for hours in my sweatpants, or stay in on a Saturday night and have a bath with a glass of wine and a facemask. I don't have to justify my smoking to anyone, nor make sure I shave my legs. I don't have to put up with someone else's family or endure the football anymore. I can essentially do what I want, when I want to. I am free.
Except being single really sucks. I think when you're in a relationship you take it for granted that you have someone else's support, someone else's affection and time. Obviously here I am referring to healthy relationships, not abusive ones. I miss the intimacy. I miss the private jokes. I miss the sex. I miss being curled up in his arms on the sofa. I miss the hours spent staring in each other's eyes, looking into his soul and seeing myself there. I miss him spending 2 hours making me handmade pasta from scratch, and standng talking and kissing in the kitchen while he did it. I miss the mutual friends being round our home and all laughing together, nights round the kitchen table while we shared the cooking and entertaining. I miss going to restaurants together and keeping the waiter waiting because he keeps kissing me tenderly over the table. I miss missing him. I miss the anticipation of seeing him, knowing I am coming home to a giant hug and those magical arms which, when around you, make the whole world go away and everything seem right. I miss how beautiful the world seems when you walk in the park or along the beach. I miss the shared sunsets. I miss the plans we had which will never now be realised, the dreams we had of things we would see do and discover together. I ended it, but I still miss it all. Just not the crap stuff.
Wow. Writing that was pretty cathartic. I don't think I knew, until I just read that back to myself, how much I miss him. So this imposed singledom is the best idea for me. Celibacy as a definition usually refers to just sex, but in my case I am taking it to mean any kind of romantic involvement, so not even flirting with anyone. It has to be this way and I am going to prove to myself I can do this and I do not need a man.
Self-imposed singledom and seclusion
So, as the title un-pithily suggests, I am taking some time off from sex. A year, to be specific.
My decision to do this has stemmed from the shocking realisation that I have not been truly single in 10 years. 10 years of dating, bullshit and putting them first, over myself and my career, and sometimes even over my friends. A truth no-one wants to admit to, but let's face it we have all done it. It's pretty much impossible not to - they become your world and you the moon around them. Sound familiar? But when you wake up one day and don't even recognise yourself in the mirror, don't know what you have become or how you even got there, it's time to make a change. I also suffered a nasty sexual assault, but I have been involved with someone since. But these things combined to make me realise I needed some time off. A year to be precise.
Don't get me wrong, I will miss sex. I love sex - but sex when it is good, not dangerous or destructive. Sex in a loving, mutually trusting and safe environment. Risks which are calculated and agreed upon. This is not a life-long commitment, nor is it for religious reasons (though big respect to those who do this for those reasons). I plan to have sex again one day, but when I can handle it without getting so intoxicated by the heady power of it. My ex and I were extremely sexual and it got too much, it became addictive. The last time I had sex was with him, ex sex, and thats how it is staying. So thus begins a year of sel-imposed celibacy.
I suppose this is something like Josh Hartnett's character in 40 Days and 40 Nights. However there are several differences applicable here: One, mine is for a hell of a lot longer. Two, I doubt mine will be full of comedy moments. Three, I will not allow myself to think of anyone in this way, or meet anyone whilst doing this. Four, I am not a guy so I don't need to empty my balls every so often. But I can imagine there will be significant parallels in terms of sexual frustration. The imposition of my no-masturbation rule is going to be fucking tough (if you'll pardon the pun), but necessary - how can I cut sex out of my life if I still have a healthy sexual imagination? It would be like being a vegetarian and still eating beef, or being on a diet but eating a whole cake every day. Pointless, and likely to lead to falling off the wagon. Well I intend to stay firmly on the wagon to singlesville, yessir.
To channel my frustrations, and to keep myself on course, I intend to blog about my experiences. I doubt many people I know would understand my decision to do this, given just how fantastic and necessary sex is. Some of my girlfriends might even think I am abstaining in order to meet Mr Right and for us to fall deeply in love without the complication of sex, but I am somewhat more realistic than that. Guys rarely if ever fall in love with a woman without having had sex with her, despite what popular media might have us believe. But this isn't about a guy, this is about me. For the first time in 10 years, I can honestly say there is no-one in my life, and no-one I am thinking about getting involved with.
The only question is, how the hell am I actually going to have the willpower to do this??? Somehow I think conversations with my girlfriends about their men and their habits are going to be tough to take. And whats the old saying - as soon as you close one door you open a window? And you're most attractive when you're not available? Nights out should be fun. But if I can sustain this for a year, as planned, then I can prove to myself I can do anything. If I do happen to meet a guy along the way, he can wait. As children and teenagers we are always told if he is decent he will wait. If not, he is not worth it. Given how crappy my taste in men can be, avoiding the bad ones will be a welcome respite.
My decision to do this has stemmed from the shocking realisation that I have not been truly single in 10 years. 10 years of dating, bullshit and putting them first, over myself and my career, and sometimes even over my friends. A truth no-one wants to admit to, but let's face it we have all done it. It's pretty much impossible not to - they become your world and you the moon around them. Sound familiar? But when you wake up one day and don't even recognise yourself in the mirror, don't know what you have become or how you even got there, it's time to make a change. I also suffered a nasty sexual assault, but I have been involved with someone since. But these things combined to make me realise I needed some time off. A year to be precise.
Don't get me wrong, I will miss sex. I love sex - but sex when it is good, not dangerous or destructive. Sex in a loving, mutually trusting and safe environment. Risks which are calculated and agreed upon. This is not a life-long commitment, nor is it for religious reasons (though big respect to those who do this for those reasons). I plan to have sex again one day, but when I can handle it without getting so intoxicated by the heady power of it. My ex and I were extremely sexual and it got too much, it became addictive. The last time I had sex was with him, ex sex, and thats how it is staying. So thus begins a year of sel-imposed celibacy.
I suppose this is something like Josh Hartnett's character in 40 Days and 40 Nights. However there are several differences applicable here: One, mine is for a hell of a lot longer. Two, I doubt mine will be full of comedy moments. Three, I will not allow myself to think of anyone in this way, or meet anyone whilst doing this. Four, I am not a guy so I don't need to empty my balls every so often. But I can imagine there will be significant parallels in terms of sexual frustration. The imposition of my no-masturbation rule is going to be fucking tough (if you'll pardon the pun), but necessary - how can I cut sex out of my life if I still have a healthy sexual imagination? It would be like being a vegetarian and still eating beef, or being on a diet but eating a whole cake every day. Pointless, and likely to lead to falling off the wagon. Well I intend to stay firmly on the wagon to singlesville, yessir.
To channel my frustrations, and to keep myself on course, I intend to blog about my experiences. I doubt many people I know would understand my decision to do this, given just how fantastic and necessary sex is. Some of my girlfriends might even think I am abstaining in order to meet Mr Right and for us to fall deeply in love without the complication of sex, but I am somewhat more realistic than that. Guys rarely if ever fall in love with a woman without having had sex with her, despite what popular media might have us believe. But this isn't about a guy, this is about me. For the first time in 10 years, I can honestly say there is no-one in my life, and no-one I am thinking about getting involved with.
The only question is, how the hell am I actually going to have the willpower to do this??? Somehow I think conversations with my girlfriends about their men and their habits are going to be tough to take. And whats the old saying - as soon as you close one door you open a window? And you're most attractive when you're not available? Nights out should be fun. But if I can sustain this for a year, as planned, then I can prove to myself I can do anything. If I do happen to meet a guy along the way, he can wait. As children and teenagers we are always told if he is decent he will wait. If not, he is not worth it. Given how crappy my taste in men can be, avoiding the bad ones will be a welcome respite.
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