So, as the title un-pithily suggests, I am taking some time off from sex. A year, to be specific.
My decision to do this has stemmed from the shocking realisation that I have not been truly single in 10 years. 10 years of dating, bullshit and putting them first, over myself and my career, and sometimes even over my friends. A truth no-one wants to admit to, but let's face it we have all done it. It's pretty much impossible not to - they become your world and you the moon around them. Sound familiar? But when you wake up one day and don't even recognise yourself in the mirror, don't know what you have become or how you even got there, it's time to make a change. I also suffered a nasty sexual assault, but I have been involved with someone since. But these things combined to make me realise I needed some time off. A year to be precise.
Don't get me wrong, I will miss sex. I love sex - but sex when it is good, not dangerous or destructive. Sex in a loving, mutually trusting and safe environment. Risks which are calculated and agreed upon. This is not a life-long commitment, nor is it for religious reasons (though big respect to those who do this for those reasons). I plan to have sex again one day, but when I can handle it without getting so intoxicated by the heady power of it. My ex and I were extremely sexual and it got too much, it became addictive. The last time I had sex was with him, ex sex, and thats how it is staying. So thus begins a year of sel-imposed celibacy.
I suppose this is something like Josh Hartnett's character in 40 Days and 40 Nights. However there are several differences applicable here: One, mine is for a hell of a lot longer. Two, I doubt mine will be full of comedy moments. Three, I will not allow myself to think of anyone in this way, or meet anyone whilst doing this. Four, I am not a guy so I don't need to empty my balls every so often. But I can imagine there will be significant parallels in terms of sexual frustration. The imposition of my no-masturbation rule is going to be fucking tough (if you'll pardon the pun), but necessary - how can I cut sex out of my life if I still have a healthy sexual imagination? It would be like being a vegetarian and still eating beef, or being on a diet but eating a whole cake every day. Pointless, and likely to lead to falling off the wagon. Well I intend to stay firmly on the wagon to singlesville, yessir.
To channel my frustrations, and to keep myself on course, I intend to blog about my experiences. I doubt many people I know would understand my decision to do this, given just how fantastic and necessary sex is. Some of my girlfriends might even think I am abstaining in order to meet Mr Right and for us to fall deeply in love without the complication of sex, but I am somewhat more realistic than that. Guys rarely if ever fall in love with a woman without having had sex with her, despite what popular media might have us believe. But this isn't about a guy, this is about me. For the first time in 10 years, I can honestly say there is no-one in my life, and no-one I am thinking about getting involved with.
The only question is, how the hell am I actually going to have the willpower to do this??? Somehow I think conversations with my girlfriends about their men and their habits are going to be tough to take. And whats the old saying - as soon as you close one door you open a window? And you're most attractive when you're not available? Nights out should be fun. But if I can sustain this for a year, as planned, then I can prove to myself I can do anything. If I do happen to meet a guy along the way, he can wait. As children and teenagers we are always told if he is decent he will wait. If not, he is not worth it. Given how crappy my taste in men can be, avoiding the bad ones will be a welcome respite.
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