The impending new year has me thinking about resolutions. We all make them, and usually all break them.
Lose weight, get fit, save money, stop smoking, get married, get divorced, take that trip... All very commendable goals. But the one thing I have learned these past 2 years is you have no idea what will happen in a day, let alone a year, and so you cannot plan for much. So I have hopes and ambitions for this year, and I will do my best to achieve them. And in my experience the bigger the list of goals, the more unlikely fulfilling them all are. Which only leads to disappointment and feelings of inadequacy.
I am going back to school. Whether a language class or an A-level, I am not yet sure. I certainly cannot afford a masters this year. But I miss education, I miss learning, I miss the thrill of reading academic texts and getting excited by them. Writing rebuttals to scholarly articles and analysing numerous sources. Spending hours discussing them with friends and having intellectual debates.
Maybe others can do it all - career, social life, relationship and study, but I am a woman of extremes and I cannot tolerate a half-arsed failing attempt at doing it all. And I have the self-awareness to recognise and acknowledge that in myself.
So this year, after the last 2 years of being all about others, I would like to be all about me.
Maybe that sounds selfish, but in my opinion it would be far more selfish to promise what I can't deliver and let people down.
Friday 30 December 2011
Thursday 29 December 2011
Santa and his presents
Ho ho ho. And a merry Christmas to all. Hope your holidays have been filled with love and laughter. Mine have.
I can genuinely say I am the happiest I have been in a while.
I am proud that I have neither overeaten or overdrunk this festive season. While the national average is a weight gain of 5 pounds, I have in fact lost 1. Perhaps that is a somewhat premature statement, but as I don't plan to drink on Nee Year's Eve I don't see it changing much in the space of 3 days, 2 of which I am working.
I have however been overindulging in 2 things. Textual flirtation, and thinking.
This festive season has given me a lot of food for thought.
Popular belief in Santa has two variants. In one, he has forgone marriage and family to devote his life to making the children of the world happy, and in the other he is blissfully wedded to mrs Claus. The elves are their extended adopted offspring and they all live together in jolly, gingerbread-scented obesity whilst manufacturing toys in a beautiful workshop all year round.
That's a nice story, but not a realistic portrayal of modern-day dating. Ignoring the health implications of their chosen lifestyle, as well as the idea of a woman happy to do nothing but please her man, the fact is life simply isn't like that.
A recent blog post by The wayward graduate certainly got me thinking. A very-well written and insightful exploration of what men may in fact truly want. But which rings several bells in my head - men prefer someone a bit simpler.
She conducted an experiment in online dating, in which she compared her own profile to a heavily edited one of herself, altered photgraphically and textually to make herself bimbo-esque. The bimbo received lots more messages. Thus proving the point that men like someone reasonably simple who they can have on their arm, who will laugh at their jokes, feed their egos and their bellies, and bend over backwards for them in the bedroom (both physically and metaphorically).
I am a complex individual. I cannot be put in a box or defined by a few simple adjectives. I too have been told I am intimidating, or at times that somewhat 'softer' word, feisty.
In my experience you get by in life by being strong, not curling up in a ball crying because of breaking a nail. And why on earth would I wish to perpetuate the female stereotype of feeble pathetic and emotional when such concepts are scorned? The women I am surrounded by are strong, courageous and passionate. That's definitely worth celebrating.
I know I am fiery and feisty. Lord knows my hair is bright enough. But these are not the only things about me. I too, like the wayward graduate, suspect that my public persona is somewhat scary to men. But rather than change who I am, play a role, I would rather be me and if a guy wants to get to know me then maybe he will be worth it. Put simply, if I am too much woman for him, he is not man enough for me.
I realise how that might sound. But being defensive is not my purpose here, this is just a statement of fact.
I meet guys. I meet a lot of guys. But it doesn't always quite get there. I suspect this is pretty common. The last 2 freely admitted they were drawn in by my passion, fire and independence. I suspect the Italian wasn't used to such things given the culture of women in his city. McGeeky Dick (formerly known as soul-scorcher) loved it but then tried to change me. Sod him.
Perhaps the men who can handle such women are either confident in themselves, or are nasty types who want to 'tame the bitch'. Who knows. But if you like someone when you get together, why the hell would you spend time trying to change them? The perennial question. But the real question is, what's the point in trying to be something you're not when the object of the exercise is to get close, love and be loved, for who you both are?
See link: http://waywardgraduate.wordpress.com/2011/12/27/plentyoffish-hall-of-shame-the-experiment/
And kudos to the wayward graduate - she has the courage to put her face to her blog while I hide behind the anonymity of a pen(blog?)name. The irony is I am actually quite private publicly, so I suppose I too have fallen into the trap of saying things on the Internet that one would not say publicly. But then being British, when do we ever discuss any such things in public public (excluding the pub)? To make myself feel somewhat better about this, I remind myself that in several mags there are the diaries of single women as they navigate the perils of dating in the urban jungle. Not that my little blog could hope to claim such readership levels - but I'm happy ticking along as I am.
And the other thing I have been doing - texting. Having thought I wouldn't see mcsexy again, and been extremely annoyed when a colleague lurched up to me drunkenly at the Xmas party and asked what was going on there as she had been 'reliably informed' we were getting together?! Two things love - one, is it any of your fucking business? Are we friends? Two - nothing had even happened! So admittedly I was rather surprised to get a text from him as he had got my number from a friend. Cue copious amounts of texting, including a few hours of extremely flirty ones.
But... 48 hours and 60+ texts exchanged, I'm a bit bored. I'm hoping he doesn't think of text as a valuable means to get a girl into bed. But I suspect his confidence means he's not too concerned with delivering the goods. Shame, because he talks a good game. And I'm sure we would have fun naked together. My imagination the last 48 hours has been very aroused and part of me thinks it would be fantastic.
But my suspicions that he is still stuck in the uni athlete mentality may prove correct. He ticks all the boxes but I don't think anything is going to happen. Nor am I totally sure I want it to. But I know I intrigue him and he likes being able to classify and define things.
I suspect I am something of a paradox. I want sex, but I want it to have more meaning than a hook-up. I definitely do not want a relationship, but neither do I want a fuck-buddy. And the idea of starting to date someone, then start sleeping together and both wondering where the hell this is going, is not a tempting prospect either.
Fearing that being single over Christmas would be gut-wrenchingly depressing, I have been pleasantly surprised to find it has been easier, and perhaps even more joyful. Compared to last year, when my ex and I were on the road to no recovery. And it is with full frankness I admit that having more money at this time of year has been enjoyable too. But the greatest thing about it is I have been able to do what I want, when I want. I have been able to go to all these parties and social events and not feel guilty or get crap about going. Which makes a pleasant change.
My ex wanted me to become a boring little housewife, and I did. But once that happened, he didn't like it.
I wanted mcsexy, and now I've had a few days of attention from him, I feel sated.
I guess when you get what you want, you stop wanting it. Or you realise it's not as shiny as it looked. But no matter - there are more things to life than sex!
Oh, and I realised who mr faceless is. Imagine my horror to walk into a family and friends do and see the man who does amazing things to you in your dreams smiling back at you. Nothing is going to happen there. I am adamant of that. And interestingly, I haven't dreamt of him again.
I can genuinely say I am the happiest I have been in a while.
I am proud that I have neither overeaten or overdrunk this festive season. While the national average is a weight gain of 5 pounds, I have in fact lost 1. Perhaps that is a somewhat premature statement, but as I don't plan to drink on Nee Year's Eve I don't see it changing much in the space of 3 days, 2 of which I am working.
I have however been overindulging in 2 things. Textual flirtation, and thinking.
This festive season has given me a lot of food for thought.
Popular belief in Santa has two variants. In one, he has forgone marriage and family to devote his life to making the children of the world happy, and in the other he is blissfully wedded to mrs Claus. The elves are their extended adopted offspring and they all live together in jolly, gingerbread-scented obesity whilst manufacturing toys in a beautiful workshop all year round.
That's a nice story, but not a realistic portrayal of modern-day dating. Ignoring the health implications of their chosen lifestyle, as well as the idea of a woman happy to do nothing but please her man, the fact is life simply isn't like that.
A recent blog post by The wayward graduate certainly got me thinking. A very-well written and insightful exploration of what men may in fact truly want. But which rings several bells in my head - men prefer someone a bit simpler.
She conducted an experiment in online dating, in which she compared her own profile to a heavily edited one of herself, altered photgraphically and textually to make herself bimbo-esque. The bimbo received lots more messages. Thus proving the point that men like someone reasonably simple who they can have on their arm, who will laugh at their jokes, feed their egos and their bellies, and bend over backwards for them in the bedroom (both physically and metaphorically).
I am a complex individual. I cannot be put in a box or defined by a few simple adjectives. I too have been told I am intimidating, or at times that somewhat 'softer' word, feisty.
In my experience you get by in life by being strong, not curling up in a ball crying because of breaking a nail. And why on earth would I wish to perpetuate the female stereotype of feeble pathetic and emotional when such concepts are scorned? The women I am surrounded by are strong, courageous and passionate. That's definitely worth celebrating.
I know I am fiery and feisty. Lord knows my hair is bright enough. But these are not the only things about me. I too, like the wayward graduate, suspect that my public persona is somewhat scary to men. But rather than change who I am, play a role, I would rather be me and if a guy wants to get to know me then maybe he will be worth it. Put simply, if I am too much woman for him, he is not man enough for me.
I realise how that might sound. But being defensive is not my purpose here, this is just a statement of fact.
I meet guys. I meet a lot of guys. But it doesn't always quite get there. I suspect this is pretty common. The last 2 freely admitted they were drawn in by my passion, fire and independence. I suspect the Italian wasn't used to such things given the culture of women in his city. McGeeky Dick (formerly known as soul-scorcher) loved it but then tried to change me. Sod him.
Perhaps the men who can handle such women are either confident in themselves, or are nasty types who want to 'tame the bitch'. Who knows. But if you like someone when you get together, why the hell would you spend time trying to change them? The perennial question. But the real question is, what's the point in trying to be something you're not when the object of the exercise is to get close, love and be loved, for who you both are?
See link: http://waywardgraduate.wordpress.com/2011/12/27/plentyoffish-hall-of-shame-the-experiment/
And kudos to the wayward graduate - she has the courage to put her face to her blog while I hide behind the anonymity of a pen(blog?)name. The irony is I am actually quite private publicly, so I suppose I too have fallen into the trap of saying things on the Internet that one would not say publicly. But then being British, when do we ever discuss any such things in public public (excluding the pub)? To make myself feel somewhat better about this, I remind myself that in several mags there are the diaries of single women as they navigate the perils of dating in the urban jungle. Not that my little blog could hope to claim such readership levels - but I'm happy ticking along as I am.
And the other thing I have been doing - texting. Having thought I wouldn't see mcsexy again, and been extremely annoyed when a colleague lurched up to me drunkenly at the Xmas party and asked what was going on there as she had been 'reliably informed' we were getting together?! Two things love - one, is it any of your fucking business? Are we friends? Two - nothing had even happened! So admittedly I was rather surprised to get a text from him as he had got my number from a friend. Cue copious amounts of texting, including a few hours of extremely flirty ones.
But... 48 hours and 60+ texts exchanged, I'm a bit bored. I'm hoping he doesn't think of text as a valuable means to get a girl into bed. But I suspect his confidence means he's not too concerned with delivering the goods. Shame, because he talks a good game. And I'm sure we would have fun naked together. My imagination the last 48 hours has been very aroused and part of me thinks it would be fantastic.
But my suspicions that he is still stuck in the uni athlete mentality may prove correct. He ticks all the boxes but I don't think anything is going to happen. Nor am I totally sure I want it to. But I know I intrigue him and he likes being able to classify and define things.
I suspect I am something of a paradox. I want sex, but I want it to have more meaning than a hook-up. I definitely do not want a relationship, but neither do I want a fuck-buddy. And the idea of starting to date someone, then start sleeping together and both wondering where the hell this is going, is not a tempting prospect either.
Fearing that being single over Christmas would be gut-wrenchingly depressing, I have been pleasantly surprised to find it has been easier, and perhaps even more joyful. Compared to last year, when my ex and I were on the road to no recovery. And it is with full frankness I admit that having more money at this time of year has been enjoyable too. But the greatest thing about it is I have been able to do what I want, when I want. I have been able to go to all these parties and social events and not feel guilty or get crap about going. Which makes a pleasant change.
My ex wanted me to become a boring little housewife, and I did. But once that happened, he didn't like it.
I wanted mcsexy, and now I've had a few days of attention from him, I feel sated.
I guess when you get what you want, you stop wanting it. Or you realise it's not as shiny as it looked. But no matter - there are more things to life than sex!
Oh, and I realised who mr faceless is. Imagine my horror to walk into a family and friends do and see the man who does amazing things to you in your dreams smiling back at you. Nothing is going to happen there. I am adamant of that. And interestingly, I haven't dreamt of him again.
A not-so-cold December
It's been an extremely interesting week. In the space of 6 days I went from having noone, to having several situations.
One, several colleagues trying to set me and another coworker up together. Easy to laugh off, but then once I realised he did actually care for me I felt bloody awkward. I'd love it if he and I could be friends but time will tell. The annoying thing is I feel really comfortable around him, like he truly gets me, but the problem is he's too lazy. Given my efforts to get my lazy ex moving and doing, I am not inclined to repeat the same mistake. But I don't want to hurt him.
Two, the perennial flirt. The colleague who is tactile, friendly and always has his group around him. It's nice he is so socially inclusive, but when I started getting texts from him after his nights out, I realised it was time to remind him that he does in fact have a girlfriend. Add to this the fact there is something going on between him and another colleague and that's a pickle I really don't want.
Three, mcsexy. Oh he is beautiful. But having initially thought he was gay, and thus been totally myself around him, I was pretty shocked to realise he was straight and flirting with me. Saw him a few times after that but nothing happened. But damn he awoke my libido!
So that's my update. A hell of a lot of crazy man-related stuff. But still not breaking the celibacy rule. I know the point of this was no man-stuff whatsoever, but realistically - how realistic was that?! If I interact with people, I will inevitably meet guys. It's my actions that count not my feelings. The purpose was to change my behaviour and I am definitely doing that. So perhaps I need to stop being so hard on myself.
One, several colleagues trying to set me and another coworker up together. Easy to laugh off, but then once I realised he did actually care for me I felt bloody awkward. I'd love it if he and I could be friends but time will tell. The annoying thing is I feel really comfortable around him, like he truly gets me, but the problem is he's too lazy. Given my efforts to get my lazy ex moving and doing, I am not inclined to repeat the same mistake. But I don't want to hurt him.
Two, the perennial flirt. The colleague who is tactile, friendly and always has his group around him. It's nice he is so socially inclusive, but when I started getting texts from him after his nights out, I realised it was time to remind him that he does in fact have a girlfriend. Add to this the fact there is something going on between him and another colleague and that's a pickle I really don't want.
Three, mcsexy. Oh he is beautiful. But having initially thought he was gay, and thus been totally myself around him, I was pretty shocked to realise he was straight and flirting with me. Saw him a few times after that but nothing happened. But damn he awoke my libido!
So that's my update. A hell of a lot of crazy man-related stuff. But still not breaking the celibacy rule. I know the point of this was no man-stuff whatsoever, but realistically - how realistic was that?! If I interact with people, I will inevitably meet guys. It's my actions that count not my feelings. The purpose was to change my behaviour and I am definitely doing that. So perhaps I need to stop being so hard on myself.
Monday 26 December 2011
The man affect
I am confident, I am articulate and I am educated. I am a social chameleon who can talk to pretty much anyone in a variety of settings.
So why the hell do I turn into a wibbering tongue-tied wreck when I talk to guys? And when a guy texts me, why do I never know what to respond, try to be funny and end up feeling a right idiot wishing there was a recall button on texts?
I think I need to simply accept the fact that no men are into me - or the ones I want to be, are not. And the ones that do fancy me I don't fancy.
So with this fact in mind, my philosophy is altered thus - I will treat any guy like a girl and therefore get rid of the sex question.
From now on, I am asexual.
So why the hell do I turn into a wibbering tongue-tied wreck when I talk to guys? And when a guy texts me, why do I never know what to respond, try to be funny and end up feeling a right idiot wishing there was a recall button on texts?
I think I need to simply accept the fact that no men are into me - or the ones I want to be, are not. And the ones that do fancy me I don't fancy.
So with this fact in mind, my philosophy is altered thus - I will treat any guy like a girl and therefore get rid of the sex question.
From now on, I am asexual.
Monday 12 December 2011
Tranquility
I want a drama free existence. But it is my experience that the higher the drama, the hotter the sex. Maybe something to do with anticipation and not getting what you want when you want it? Or maybe drama makes for better passion.
So my choice that I don't want drama is fine by me. I'm happy without a man - not that I've met one in months anyway! But it's much better for me and my life this way.
So my choice that I don't want drama is fine by me. I'm happy without a man - not that I've met one in months anyway! But it's much better for me and my life this way.
2nd December
I'm thinking about choices today. It's not our thoughts that define how we are seen or who we are, but out actions.
Working where I work, smoking is the biggest sin, and I feel like a dirty drug addict when I smoke anywhere near the office.
We choose to smoke, and then we have no choice once addiction takes hold. We know what it does to us, so why do we do it?
In my office I think it is less of a sin to date a colleague than smoke. But to me it is worse.
Working where I work, smoking is the biggest sin, and I feel like a dirty drug addict when I smoke anywhere near the office.
We choose to smoke, and then we have no choice once addiction takes hold. We know what it does to us, so why do we do it?
In my office I think it is less of a sin to date a colleague than smoke. But to me it is worse.
1st December
I'm horny as hell today and it's driving me nuts. I really don't want to be. It's been almost 4 months since I got laid and I'm craving it. Really craving it. To the point that it's becoming a distraction from work. I don't have enough to do at work this week, but that will change once my boss comes back from hol. It's not good that there are so many attractive guys at work. Floppyhaired and I keep meeting at the photocopier, completely coincidentally, but I'm not going there. He seems nice, but I want to reach for the stars with my next man, not settle for nice. If I'm going to invest in something I need to know it will be worth it, in every sense. Plus I work with him, so that's a total no-no. But I miss having a workplace flirtation.
But this burning suppressed fire is really not helped by my cold veggie sausages looking like limp dicks in my lunchbox. Couldn't eat them after that.
This is so frustrating. I have no idea why my libido has returned when it went dormant for a while. I really wish it would bugger off again so I can get back to my year of self-imposed celibacy.
But this burning suppressed fire is really not helped by my cold veggie sausages looking like limp dicks in my lunchbox. Couldn't eat them after that.
This is so frustrating. I have no idea why my libido has returned when it went dormant for a while. I really wish it would bugger off again so I can get back to my year of self-imposed celibacy.
Ouch - 30th November
So a text row with my ex wasn't exactly the way I wanted to spend my day off. Hardly a relaxing Saturday.
Much as I think he should be considering my point of view, I get why he feels the way he feels and I wish I could take the hurt away. But our split was not out of the blue and he's kidding himself that there were no clues and I am the wicked witch of Essex.
But I do miss him. And I'm hurting knowing how bad he feels. His emotions are tied to mine, he is the love of my life. But I love him too much to settle and get back with him. I wouldn't be happy and neither would he. He deserves someone who loves him and wants the same things he does. At the moment, I want a career. And a good figure. A fuck buddy would be nice, but let's not be greedy. I want to stick to my vow, because I'll feel an utter failure if I don't. Plus I feel pretty fat right now so getting naked = self consciousness and that is not a turn on. And reason three, I have no potentials. There's a few cute guys at work, but that would be a recipe for utter disaster. Especially if it went wrong and/or public.
There's one guy in particular who says hi. He seems sweet, a bit geeky, nice eyes. Just my previous type. He's kinda cute. And a nice distraction from the doldrums of the photocopier. He has thick glossy slightly-too-long hair which I really want to run my hands through. I like guys with hair. But I'm not sure I actually fancy him or if I'm just a bit bored. Or maybe I go for guys slightly below me because of confidence issues. But hot guys don't really want me. Them's the breaks.
I know it's not ladylike to admit you don't want marriage, that you love sex and it takes a lot for a guy to keep you satisfied. But at least I have the courage of conviction to look inside myself and be honest. I want to play around, date a bunch of people and laugh. Have fun. Be free of marital and domestic chains which have weighed me down for so long. The thing I know I want to not do is hurt people. There's no need to intentionally cause someone else pain.
The problem with going shopping for a particular dress is you never find it. That is unless you already have selected it and know it fits. But even then the store might have run out of your size or colour. It's when you are just browsing, not on a mission, that you find something fabulous or a bargain. Or you go to purchase something you saw in a magazine and realise how ugly it is once in your hands.
All of the above can be applied to dating. Prowling, selecting and pouncing. Cat metaphors seem oddly appropriate. But what I'd really like to do is date a few, casually see how it goes and just have fun with a few guys (note-DATE, not fuck). But this presents 2 problems - one, I'd break my vow (as it's to do with all romantic escapades, not just sex). And two, there are no prospects. That fact is slightly depressing, but I see it as part of everything happens for a reason - I need to be single so I can have fun, get fit, save some money, and focus on my career. To those who might consider that a poor replacement for love, consider this - it was ten years of dating which got me into such a mess in the first place. I was essentially a married middle aged woman, which was the fault of both of us. No doubt me becoming what he actually wanted was a turn off - once the anticipation is gone and you have nothing to push for, you get bored very quickly. I know this fact from personal experience.
Reading through this, I've realised perhaps I am on the defensive because I am heartbroken it didn't work out with my ex, because I invested so much and always believed it would get better. But with only one of us willing to make any changes, we didn't have a chance. And I am not laying down and dying, I am picking myself up and starting again. A Phoenix from the flames. But a casual fling or three would sure take the edge off. And sex is good for you, it's a medically proven fact. So I guess I'll stick with 5 fruit and veg a day. It just sucks to be starving myself when I am such a passionate, sexual person. Especially when I think I have been doing this months now, and I'm still craving sex. But I think crap sex would make me feel even worse, so I'll wait for a good fuck to come along. Next year. And when I do, I will bloody well enjoy it.
Much as I think he should be considering my point of view, I get why he feels the way he feels and I wish I could take the hurt away. But our split was not out of the blue and he's kidding himself that there were no clues and I am the wicked witch of Essex.
But I do miss him. And I'm hurting knowing how bad he feels. His emotions are tied to mine, he is the love of my life. But I love him too much to settle and get back with him. I wouldn't be happy and neither would he. He deserves someone who loves him and wants the same things he does. At the moment, I want a career. And a good figure. A fuck buddy would be nice, but let's not be greedy. I want to stick to my vow, because I'll feel an utter failure if I don't. Plus I feel pretty fat right now so getting naked = self consciousness and that is not a turn on. And reason three, I have no potentials. There's a few cute guys at work, but that would be a recipe for utter disaster. Especially if it went wrong and/or public.
There's one guy in particular who says hi. He seems sweet, a bit geeky, nice eyes. Just my previous type. He's kinda cute. And a nice distraction from the doldrums of the photocopier. He has thick glossy slightly-too-long hair which I really want to run my hands through. I like guys with hair. But I'm not sure I actually fancy him or if I'm just a bit bored. Or maybe I go for guys slightly below me because of confidence issues. But hot guys don't really want me. Them's the breaks.
I know it's not ladylike to admit you don't want marriage, that you love sex and it takes a lot for a guy to keep you satisfied. But at least I have the courage of conviction to look inside myself and be honest. I want to play around, date a bunch of people and laugh. Have fun. Be free of marital and domestic chains which have weighed me down for so long. The thing I know I want to not do is hurt people. There's no need to intentionally cause someone else pain.
The problem with going shopping for a particular dress is you never find it. That is unless you already have selected it and know it fits. But even then the store might have run out of your size or colour. It's when you are just browsing, not on a mission, that you find something fabulous or a bargain. Or you go to purchase something you saw in a magazine and realise how ugly it is once in your hands.
All of the above can be applied to dating. Prowling, selecting and pouncing. Cat metaphors seem oddly appropriate. But what I'd really like to do is date a few, casually see how it goes and just have fun with a few guys (note-DATE, not fuck). But this presents 2 problems - one, I'd break my vow (as it's to do with all romantic escapades, not just sex). And two, there are no prospects. That fact is slightly depressing, but I see it as part of everything happens for a reason - I need to be single so I can have fun, get fit, save some money, and focus on my career. To those who might consider that a poor replacement for love, consider this - it was ten years of dating which got me into such a mess in the first place. I was essentially a married middle aged woman, which was the fault of both of us. No doubt me becoming what he actually wanted was a turn off - once the anticipation is gone and you have nothing to push for, you get bored very quickly. I know this fact from personal experience.
Reading through this, I've realised perhaps I am on the defensive because I am heartbroken it didn't work out with my ex, because I invested so much and always believed it would get better. But with only one of us willing to make any changes, we didn't have a chance. And I am not laying down and dying, I am picking myself up and starting again. A Phoenix from the flames. But a casual fling or three would sure take the edge off. And sex is good for you, it's a medically proven fact. So I guess I'll stick with 5 fruit and veg a day. It just sucks to be starving myself when I am such a passionate, sexual person. Especially when I think I have been doing this months now, and I'm still craving sex. But I think crap sex would make me feel even worse, so I'll wait for a good fuck to come along. Next year. And when I do, I will bloody well enjoy it.
You can't hide from yourself - 27th November
The last couple of nights I have been waking to rather strange dreams. A faceless man - as in, I can see his features but I don't know who he is - is making love to me and encouraging me to look in his eyes as I climax.
On the tube at rush hour an extremely gorgeous rugby player was pushed up against me. His butt kept knocking into my elbow. Pure muscle. And I realised how powerful he must be.
It was nice to be in the vicinity of an attractive guy for a change. But the annoying thing was it aroused my libido from it's winter slumber. Bugger. Thus today has been spent in a somewhat more sexually aware state. Really not helped by a new office with a lot of sexy men. The nature of the organisation and the work means they are probably decent guys too. But as I want to forge a career at this company there is no way in hell I am breaking my rule and dating someone from work. That's assuming, of course, that any of them find me attractive. Which I seriously doubt.
So in order to get this out of my system I'm going to do what I have so far avoided doing. I'm going to discuss physical detail.
I miss having the weight of my man on top of me. I miss his hips pushing my legs wider apart as he thrusts. I miss wrapping my thighs around his flank and crushing him. I miss raking my nails down his back, biting his shoulder and arching into him. I miss grabbing his bum and pushing him into me, rocking together in rhythmic unison. I miss passionate kisses as we both take great pleasure in what we are doing. I miss how good his dick can make my pussy feel. I miss him biting kissing and licking the place where my shoulder meets my neck. I miss how the tiniest, softest touch can make me go crazy. I miss how much harder I came with him than on my own. I miss rolling around on the floor, bed, sofa. I miss good sex injuries - carpet burn back, burnt arse from doing it on the oven, backache from the physical challenge of doing it in the shower.
In short, I miss sex! And I think these dreams, as much as they are primarily about trust and intimacy, are also showing me what I already knew - I am a sexual being, and I need to get laid. But as much as I know that, I also know the difference between fantasy and reality, and I respect my mental and physical health too much to just go out and shag the first dick available. In fact I'm so committed to this lifestyle, I'm not even going to buy a rabbit.
On the tube at rush hour an extremely gorgeous rugby player was pushed up against me. His butt kept knocking into my elbow. Pure muscle. And I realised how powerful he must be.
It was nice to be in the vicinity of an attractive guy for a change. But the annoying thing was it aroused my libido from it's winter slumber. Bugger. Thus today has been spent in a somewhat more sexually aware state. Really not helped by a new office with a lot of sexy men. The nature of the organisation and the work means they are probably decent guys too. But as I want to forge a career at this company there is no way in hell I am breaking my rule and dating someone from work. That's assuming, of course, that any of them find me attractive. Which I seriously doubt.
So in order to get this out of my system I'm going to do what I have so far avoided doing. I'm going to discuss physical detail.
I miss having the weight of my man on top of me. I miss his hips pushing my legs wider apart as he thrusts. I miss wrapping my thighs around his flank and crushing him. I miss raking my nails down his back, biting his shoulder and arching into him. I miss grabbing his bum and pushing him into me, rocking together in rhythmic unison. I miss passionate kisses as we both take great pleasure in what we are doing. I miss how good his dick can make my pussy feel. I miss him biting kissing and licking the place where my shoulder meets my neck. I miss how the tiniest, softest touch can make me go crazy. I miss how much harder I came with him than on my own. I miss rolling around on the floor, bed, sofa. I miss good sex injuries - carpet burn back, burnt arse from doing it on the oven, backache from the physical challenge of doing it in the shower.
In short, I miss sex! And I think these dreams, as much as they are primarily about trust and intimacy, are also showing me what I already knew - I am a sexual being, and I need to get laid. But as much as I know that, I also know the difference between fantasy and reality, and I respect my mental and physical health too much to just go out and shag the first dick available. In fact I'm so committed to this lifestyle, I'm not even going to buy a rabbit.
Life is cyclical. There are always new things being born, things growing. Deprived areas of cities are improved, new buildings erected, new things developed.
I feel that my life was in a circle for long time. But now I feel lucky to have the chance to reevaluate. Having introspected, I have now stepped out of the cycle. It's wonderful. The difference this time around is, I feel like there are new and exciting opportunities for me, and I'm not waiting for the next guy to come along and pick me up. I'm working for a fantastic organisation, and actually relishing the fact that my life revolves around my career and not a man for the first time in perhaps forever.
In this vein, I am really excited at the prospect of being the cat lady this weekend. I'll have the house to myself, curl up with my duvet on the sofa and watch DVDs. And see my friends too, but I love the idea of the chance to do this. I don't want to become an old cat spinster, as I would like to find love again and I don't want to be old and alone. But its nice to have a break from relationships and be me for a while. It's nice to not be scared to be single. I love that my libido has deserted me and I don't feel enslaved by desire or men.
I feel that my life was in a circle for long time. But now I feel lucky to have the chance to reevaluate. Having introspected, I have now stepped out of the cycle. It's wonderful. The difference this time around is, I feel like there are new and exciting opportunities for me, and I'm not waiting for the next guy to come along and pick me up. I'm working for a fantastic organisation, and actually relishing the fact that my life revolves around my career and not a man for the first time in perhaps forever.
In this vein, I am really excited at the prospect of being the cat lady this weekend. I'll have the house to myself, curl up with my duvet on the sofa and watch DVDs. And see my friends too, but I love the idea of the chance to do this. I don't want to become an old cat spinster, as I would like to find love again and I don't want to be old and alone. But its nice to have a break from relationships and be me for a while. It's nice to not be scared to be single. I love that my libido has deserted me and I don't feel enslaved by desire or men.
Now the other side of the coin - 25th November
So, having criticised my gender, in the interests of equality I will now do the same of men. I believe in gender equality. And as much as I wish as I could say I believe in a healthy balance and moderation, it's not something I really tend to live. The yin and yang theory calls for balance.
As for me, I believe in hedonism, the pursuit of pleasure above all else. Why should life be difficult? Unfortunately, although the pleasure-pain balance is not something I ascribe to, in my experience it seems to be true. And I'm not such an active hedonist anymore, as you may have gathered reading this blog.
But I digress. What's new there Phoenix.
There is a horrific amount of domestic abuse and sexual violence perpetrated by men. 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse. Government figures on rape are woefully lower than the reality, as so many attacks go unreported. But not every guy is like that. Sadly they are not easy to spot, but there are some good men out there.
I'm not going on a massive rant against men. Especially given that no-one is perfect. But a little honesty and communication would be greatly appreciated. Is it really so bloody difficult to open up about how you feel? You don't have to tell the world, but you SHOULD talk to the person you say you love. And be clear and straight about what you actually mean. Be aware of how your words can be taken.
Oh, and a couple of other things while I'm at it - appreciate that women sometimes cry for no particular reason, and consider doing housework on occasion - it's not the woman's job. Gender stereotypes are ridiculously outdated. And don't leave the toilet seat up. And watch where you pee.
There's a lot in the media about the new man, but given men's ages, how long they have been subjected to certain ideas, our culture and the impact of ascribed gender from a young age, change will be a slow process. The guys I meet certainly don't seem to be new men. I'd never seek to emasculate a man, but a little introspection, compassion and appreciation would go a long way.
As for me, I believe in hedonism, the pursuit of pleasure above all else. Why should life be difficult? Unfortunately, although the pleasure-pain balance is not something I ascribe to, in my experience it seems to be true. And I'm not such an active hedonist anymore, as you may have gathered reading this blog.
But I digress. What's new there Phoenix.
There is a horrific amount of domestic abuse and sexual violence perpetrated by men. 1 in 4 women will experience domestic abuse. Government figures on rape are woefully lower than the reality, as so many attacks go unreported. But not every guy is like that. Sadly they are not easy to spot, but there are some good men out there.
I'm not going on a massive rant against men. Especially given that no-one is perfect. But a little honesty and communication would be greatly appreciated. Is it really so bloody difficult to open up about how you feel? You don't have to tell the world, but you SHOULD talk to the person you say you love. And be clear and straight about what you actually mean. Be aware of how your words can be taken.
Oh, and a couple of other things while I'm at it - appreciate that women sometimes cry for no particular reason, and consider doing housework on occasion - it's not the woman's job. Gender stereotypes are ridiculously outdated. And don't leave the toilet seat up. And watch where you pee.
There's a lot in the media about the new man, but given men's ages, how long they have been subjected to certain ideas, our culture and the impact of ascribed gender from a young age, change will be a slow process. The guys I meet certainly don't seem to be new men. I'd never seek to emasculate a man, but a little introspection, compassion and appreciation would go a long way.
Women - 24th November
Witnessing an argument on the train today, I realised something pretty profound. Women can be very selfish creatures.
Never mind that screaming at someone down the phone on a full train is bloody bad manners, not to mention the question of why on earth you wouldn't mind so many people witnessing you in such an emotional state.
I have no idea who the guy at the end of the phone was, but he was certainly getting it. And not in a good way.
We throw our hearts into it, get carried away fantasising about the wedding, what the kids will look like and redesigning the living room. Men are a tad more rational and approach things with caution. Yes they may like you but it's doubtful they are picturing you in your bridal underwear after 2 dates. Underwear maybe. But doing so is being sloppy with your emotions and is probably incapable of the emotional maturity required to sustain a healthy adult relationship.
We expect so much of our men. We expect them to be the perfect man, our white knights, and put so much pressure on them to be that. Yet this doesn't account for the fact that they have feelings, bad days, and make mistakes. Same as us.
There's also the little problem of every woman being different. By our mid twenties most of us will have dated more than one person. Thus several different people with very different ideas experiences and beliefs. So how is a guy supposed to know what to do? All relationships are complicated. So why do we put so much pressure on romantic ones? We're essentially setting ourselves up to fail.
How much do we recognise their needs? They have feelings, vulnerabilities and dreams too. We complain about societal pressures on us to look a certain way, but we would do well to remember that there's also a shit load of societal pressures on them to front, maintain face, and be a 'real man'. We essentially expect them to prop us up, complete us, and be the strong silent type. So why do we complain when they are quiet? So much is made of what women want. And yes it would be helpful if some of them had more of a clue. But how can they when we ourselves don't know what we want? What about what men want?
We put everything on ourselves. What did I do wrong? Why is he being quiet over dinner? I text him ages ago, why hasn't he replied? He's not got his hands all over me tonight, do I smell?look fat?
If I tire myself out with my neurosis, fuck knows what it does to my poor boyfriend.
But there's a reason why there's more focus on women trying to change men than the other way round. Problem is, we're still not satisfied. How long will it take women to realise they need to deal with their own issues and let him be? If he really needs that much of an emotional overhaul,let him go.
Even when we split we still expect them to be there for us emotionally. God knows I've had a few break ups where the 'let's stay friends' adage has been taken literally by yours truly. Looking back, I have no idea how I thought it made sense to be comforted through the split by the guy I'm leaving. WTF?! It was also extremely selfish as it doesn't give them any room to deal. And it was pretty selfish of me to get involved with a new guy when I'm still in contact, and love, with the ex. I've lost count of how many times I did that, especially at uni. We bitch to our friends that his ex is still on the scene, but how is it fair if we do that to them?
After a split at uni, I threw myself into dating lots of other guys. I was still working with my ex, and started messing around with our colleague. Dunno if my ex knew, but that was pretty selfish. And about 6 months after that, I had 3 guys on the go simultaneously. What's wrong with that, you might think. Guys do it all the time. The problem came when I skipped a period. I was using condoms with all of them, I use condoms religiously, don't go without. It turned out to be a stress skip, but that made me realise I was actually hurting myself. So ceased sleeping with 2 of them. But had I been pregnant, I would have had no idea whose it was. Possible fatherhood-but-can't-confirm-it-until-the-baby-comes is not something I ever want to inflict on a man. It's also rather scuzzy and worthy of Jeremy Kyle. We watch it on days off and laugh at the losers, but who seriously wants to be one of them?!
I also tend to over-romanticise and remember them as better than they were once it's over. I spent about 2 weeks doing this with my most recent ex until a couple of my friends gave me a reality check. Which I was shocked by but came to appreciate. But until that point I kept daydreaming about him turning up at work,telling me he loved me and wanted to try again. Keep dreaming Phoenix.
We both knew it was over, so why would he do that to himself? At least men get that when its over, its over. And I didn't want him back so why did I keep imagining that there would be a dramatic romantic reunion? Because I am a woman and I have seen too many movies.
No wonder men are so bloody reluctant to commit, it's a nightmare to get out of once you're in. We push them into committing, nag them to be better people, put ridiculous pressures on them, and complain about their mothers. Yet we are more like mothers to them than we want to believe.
We complain when our parents make us feel inadequate and fail to live up to expectations,disappointing them. It's a horrid feeling and something a friend of mine is still struggling with into his thirties. So how is it fair to inflict that on the men we claim to love, the men we have pledged to support as equal partners? It's not.
"to really love a woman, you have to know her deep inside". Yes I am quoting Bryan Adams. Because it is true. To love someone is to know someone. That takes time and cannot be rushed. Women confuse lust and the heady intense attraction for something more and open themselves up emotionally and thus fall harder when it ends. Men take their time getting to know you.
My relationships which lasted have been the ones in which we don't rush into bed. Waiting, dating and taking it slow are unfortunately the keys to a successful lasting partnership. Unfortunately for my libido, these tend to be the ones with less sex. Trivial you might think, but given my propensity for boosting self esteem through male attention, the more passion decreases, the more my insecurities play out and I become a bit neurotic. Or dispassionate. Either way, not good. Hence hoping this break will help me get strong enough not to depend on a man. Or several men.
The overwhelming majority of music tends to be about love. Getting together, tough times and breaking up.
For real singer-songwriters it probably is genuine emotion. But for record companies (read: Simon Cowell) they know love songs are gold mines, as women will buy into it.
Men aren't necessary cold bastards.
Sometimes they just don't know what to say. Often their emotional antennae are shorter than women's. But this is not always the case - sometimes women are so subsumed in their own dramas they cannot see what's happening in the rest of the world. Does the woman now sobbing loudly care that one in 3 people in this carriage are or have been affected by cancer? Or that others are in the throes of divorce and her excessively noisy outburst is probably reminding others of their pain? I feel for her, I'm not a complete bitch. But there is a time and a place and this is most definitely not it. A lot of people on this train are very tired and just want to get home in peace.
Maybe the best thing is to cut all ties completely, walk away with your head held high and eventually subscribe them to the romantic graveyard in your heart. Grieve, cry to your friends, eat ridiculous amounts of ice cream, but don't let him know. Cos all youve got for him to remember you by is your dignity in the face of tough times. Because not only is he dealing with his own feelings about the split, listening to you and seeing you become a psycho bitch will just confirm to him that the split was the right thing. Not only that, but you'll look like a right idiot to his friends, and if they're mutual friends, you're not just breaking up with him. And you will need your friends to get you threw the breakup.
Today I find myself missing my ex ex. He was the love of my life and I'll always love him. I can't regret the split because he deserves to be with someone who wants to be a wife, settle down and give him all he needs.
But I feel bad about the mistakes I made with him. I can't go back, I can't change anything, but I can learn and take those lessons on board so that once I'm a better person, and meet a good man, I won't be such a woman about it. But I'll be a lot more balanced, cautious and rational about the whole thing.
Men get a bad press, but how are they ever supposed to be everything we expect and need them to be?
Never mind that screaming at someone down the phone on a full train is bloody bad manners, not to mention the question of why on earth you wouldn't mind so many people witnessing you in such an emotional state.
I have no idea who the guy at the end of the phone was, but he was certainly getting it. And not in a good way.
We throw our hearts into it, get carried away fantasising about the wedding, what the kids will look like and redesigning the living room. Men are a tad more rational and approach things with caution. Yes they may like you but it's doubtful they are picturing you in your bridal underwear after 2 dates. Underwear maybe. But doing so is being sloppy with your emotions and is probably incapable of the emotional maturity required to sustain a healthy adult relationship.
We expect so much of our men. We expect them to be the perfect man, our white knights, and put so much pressure on them to be that. Yet this doesn't account for the fact that they have feelings, bad days, and make mistakes. Same as us.
There's also the little problem of every woman being different. By our mid twenties most of us will have dated more than one person. Thus several different people with very different ideas experiences and beliefs. So how is a guy supposed to know what to do? All relationships are complicated. So why do we put so much pressure on romantic ones? We're essentially setting ourselves up to fail.
How much do we recognise their needs? They have feelings, vulnerabilities and dreams too. We complain about societal pressures on us to look a certain way, but we would do well to remember that there's also a shit load of societal pressures on them to front, maintain face, and be a 'real man'. We essentially expect them to prop us up, complete us, and be the strong silent type. So why do we complain when they are quiet? So much is made of what women want. And yes it would be helpful if some of them had more of a clue. But how can they when we ourselves don't know what we want? What about what men want?
We put everything on ourselves. What did I do wrong? Why is he being quiet over dinner? I text him ages ago, why hasn't he replied? He's not got his hands all over me tonight, do I smell?look fat?
If I tire myself out with my neurosis, fuck knows what it does to my poor boyfriend.
But there's a reason why there's more focus on women trying to change men than the other way round. Problem is, we're still not satisfied. How long will it take women to realise they need to deal with their own issues and let him be? If he really needs that much of an emotional overhaul,let him go.
Even when we split we still expect them to be there for us emotionally. God knows I've had a few break ups where the 'let's stay friends' adage has been taken literally by yours truly. Looking back, I have no idea how I thought it made sense to be comforted through the split by the guy I'm leaving. WTF?! It was also extremely selfish as it doesn't give them any room to deal. And it was pretty selfish of me to get involved with a new guy when I'm still in contact, and love, with the ex. I've lost count of how many times I did that, especially at uni. We bitch to our friends that his ex is still on the scene, but how is it fair if we do that to them?
After a split at uni, I threw myself into dating lots of other guys. I was still working with my ex, and started messing around with our colleague. Dunno if my ex knew, but that was pretty selfish. And about 6 months after that, I had 3 guys on the go simultaneously. What's wrong with that, you might think. Guys do it all the time. The problem came when I skipped a period. I was using condoms with all of them, I use condoms religiously, don't go without. It turned out to be a stress skip, but that made me realise I was actually hurting myself. So ceased sleeping with 2 of them. But had I been pregnant, I would have had no idea whose it was. Possible fatherhood-but-can't-confirm-it-until-the-baby-comes is not something I ever want to inflict on a man. It's also rather scuzzy and worthy of Jeremy Kyle. We watch it on days off and laugh at the losers, but who seriously wants to be one of them?!
I also tend to over-romanticise and remember them as better than they were once it's over. I spent about 2 weeks doing this with my most recent ex until a couple of my friends gave me a reality check. Which I was shocked by but came to appreciate. But until that point I kept daydreaming about him turning up at work,telling me he loved me and wanted to try again. Keep dreaming Phoenix.
We both knew it was over, so why would he do that to himself? At least men get that when its over, its over. And I didn't want him back so why did I keep imagining that there would be a dramatic romantic reunion? Because I am a woman and I have seen too many movies.
No wonder men are so bloody reluctant to commit, it's a nightmare to get out of once you're in. We push them into committing, nag them to be better people, put ridiculous pressures on them, and complain about their mothers. Yet we are more like mothers to them than we want to believe.
We complain when our parents make us feel inadequate and fail to live up to expectations,disappointing them. It's a horrid feeling and something a friend of mine is still struggling with into his thirties. So how is it fair to inflict that on the men we claim to love, the men we have pledged to support as equal partners? It's not.
"to really love a woman, you have to know her deep inside". Yes I am quoting Bryan Adams. Because it is true. To love someone is to know someone. That takes time and cannot be rushed. Women confuse lust and the heady intense attraction for something more and open themselves up emotionally and thus fall harder when it ends. Men take their time getting to know you.
My relationships which lasted have been the ones in which we don't rush into bed. Waiting, dating and taking it slow are unfortunately the keys to a successful lasting partnership. Unfortunately for my libido, these tend to be the ones with less sex. Trivial you might think, but given my propensity for boosting self esteem through male attention, the more passion decreases, the more my insecurities play out and I become a bit neurotic. Or dispassionate. Either way, not good. Hence hoping this break will help me get strong enough not to depend on a man. Or several men.
The overwhelming majority of music tends to be about love. Getting together, tough times and breaking up.
For real singer-songwriters it probably is genuine emotion. But for record companies (read: Simon Cowell) they know love songs are gold mines, as women will buy into it.
Men aren't necessary cold bastards.
Sometimes they just don't know what to say. Often their emotional antennae are shorter than women's. But this is not always the case - sometimes women are so subsumed in their own dramas they cannot see what's happening in the rest of the world. Does the woman now sobbing loudly care that one in 3 people in this carriage are or have been affected by cancer? Or that others are in the throes of divorce and her excessively noisy outburst is probably reminding others of their pain? I feel for her, I'm not a complete bitch. But there is a time and a place and this is most definitely not it. A lot of people on this train are very tired and just want to get home in peace.
Maybe the best thing is to cut all ties completely, walk away with your head held high and eventually subscribe them to the romantic graveyard in your heart. Grieve, cry to your friends, eat ridiculous amounts of ice cream, but don't let him know. Cos all youve got for him to remember you by is your dignity in the face of tough times. Because not only is he dealing with his own feelings about the split, listening to you and seeing you become a psycho bitch will just confirm to him that the split was the right thing. Not only that, but you'll look like a right idiot to his friends, and if they're mutual friends, you're not just breaking up with him. And you will need your friends to get you threw the breakup.
Today I find myself missing my ex ex. He was the love of my life and I'll always love him. I can't regret the split because he deserves to be with someone who wants to be a wife, settle down and give him all he needs.
But I feel bad about the mistakes I made with him. I can't go back, I can't change anything, but I can learn and take those lessons on board so that once I'm a better person, and meet a good man, I won't be such a woman about it. But I'll be a lot more balanced, cautious and rational about the whole thing.
Men get a bad press, but how are they ever supposed to be everything we expect and need them to be?
23rd November
As anyone who has ever written anything knows, inspiration does not always appear at the most opportune times. I frequently find myself with only a pen and paper and no Internet access when the muse hits. Mind you, that's probably a blessing as it means I have a chance to re-read, edit and organise my thoughts, so I don't blog too much shite. In theory....
Standing outside the train station today, I was fortunate to have the 'pleasure' of listening to a group of Chavs. Minding my own business and quietly finishing my cigarette, I did my best to act as though I couldn't hear them. Lucky me, they were loudly and unashamedly discussing their sex lives. Or as they referred to it, 'shagging'.
Don't get me wrong I have used this verb myself in the past. I have even shagged. But there is something so crude, so scuzzy about this that I couldn't help starting to think.
The purpose of this blog was to help keep me on track. It was not started as a break-up diary, nor an anti-men rant, nor the space for a bitter washed up old housewife to be venemous. I'm aware that some of my posts are not as positive as they could be. But they will never be contrived or written for an audience. This is an honest, accurate reflection of what I feel most days. As with other people, my moods go up and down. The difference is, I'm being honest and admitting that I am not always Little Miss Sunshine, and that I have feelings and thoughts.
Neither was it designed to be a graphically detailed account of my sex life.
It has become clear to me that this is also serving as a good account of my feelings the last few months, and that is no bad thing. Only by realising what emotions I have experienced the last few months, as in seeing it written in black, white and shades of blue, can I truly undertake the self-realisation and introspection that I hope will enlighten me and make me a better person.
Don't get me wrong I have used this verb myself in the past. I have even shagged. But there is something so crude, so scuzzy about this that I couldn't help starting to think.
The purpose of this blog was to help keep me on track. It was not started as a break-up diary, nor an anti-men rant, nor the space for a bitter washed up old housewife to be venemous. I'm aware that some of my posts are not as positive as they could be. But they will never be contrived or written for an audience. This is an honest, accurate reflection of what I feel most days. As with other people, my moods go up and down. The difference is, I'm being honest and admitting that I am not always Little Miss Sunshine, and that I have feelings and thoughts.
Neither was it designed to be a graphically detailed account of my sex life.
It has become clear to me that this is also serving as a good account of my feelings the last few months, and that is no bad thing. Only by realising what emotions I have experienced the last few months, as in seeing it written in black, white and shades of blue, can I truly undertake the self-realisation and introspection that I hope will enlighten me and make me a better person.
Schizophrenic libido
Oh hell. Mr faceless is back. He's a mix of my ex and a guy I have known my entire life. But mr lalaland is hotter than both of them.
He's saying the same things, doing the same things. Only now he tells me he loves me. He comes to my dreams at the strangest times. When my alarm goes off far too early in the morning, and I hit snooze, he is there. I can almost feel his arms around me. Part of me wonders if I am inventing him consciously but I really dont think I am; I can barely think of my own name when I'm being yanked from dreamydream land and just about cope with hitting the snooze button. So I doubt I could begin a fantasy. I just wish I knew what it all meant - I have no idea who he is, and the fact that it is pretty much a daily repetition of the same scenario is somewhat freaky. I'm worried - my manic libido is giving me whiplash.
He's saying the same things, doing the same things. Only now he tells me he loves me. He comes to my dreams at the strangest times. When my alarm goes off far too early in the morning, and I hit snooze, he is there. I can almost feel his arms around me. Part of me wonders if I am inventing him consciously but I really dont think I am; I can barely think of my own name when I'm being yanked from dreamydream land and just about cope with hitting the snooze button. So I doubt I could begin a fantasy. I just wish I knew what it all meant - I have no idea who he is, and the fact that it is pretty much a daily repetition of the same scenario is somewhat freaky. I'm worried - my manic libido is giving me whiplash.
Animal behaviours - 21st November
The animals went in two by two, into the ark and not the tube. Love is great but not when it slows everyone else down. All this loveydovey sappy coupleyness is just getting me down. The first Christmas I have been single and it fucking sucks. Take your mushy disgustingness and your joined-at-the-lip-and-hip crap and leave London to us lonely miserable singletons. Wish I could afford to go spend it in a non-Christian country. Humph. Ebeneezer has spoken.
The bleakness of winter takes hold - 20th November
I was talking to one of my gays and he pointed out that although my not being interested is a challenge for guys to break, as well as feeding into their damsel in distress macho approach, at least I am being honest. That is one thing so many people, of all sexual persuasions, are not. I have no desire to meet someone and string them along just to bolster my self esteem. It can hang out in the dirt, it's been there long enough. I also cannot bring myself to inflict pain on another person who might actually care for me. Given that this is a situation I am currently trying to diplomatically and delicately at work and it is bloody exhausting because I like both these guys and get on really well them. But I do wonder how much they are being nice because they are into me. They don't strike me as The wanker type but you never can be sure. And the last thing I need at work is a shitty reputation.
I guess the truth is that I just don't believe I will ever be loved as much as my ex did, nor do I think my karma is good enough to deserve love again. If I had good karma, it would have worked out. I am not saying this to wallow or bemoan my poor lot in life. I just don't think I am young enough to make any more romantic mistakes. I don't have time. So therefore rather than get into something, I'd rather avoid it altogether.
Love bends you, love breaks you, love twists you into contortions you never thought imaginable. But love will never save you from yourself. Look at Jordan.
I guess the truth is that I just don't believe I will ever be loved as much as my ex did, nor do I think my karma is good enough to deserve love again. If I had good karma, it would have worked out. I am not saying this to wallow or bemoan my poor lot in life. I just don't think I am young enough to make any more romantic mistakes. I don't have time. So therefore rather than get into something, I'd rather avoid it altogether.
Love bends you, love breaks you, love twists you into contortions you never thought imaginable. But love will never save you from yourself. Look at Jordan.
19 November
So my fabulous gay friend tells me how wonderful I am. Which is nice. And I think he is the only person who truly understands that i would rather be single than involved with someone not worth it.
Absence makes the heart grow empty - 18th November
Today I realised a profound truth. I am in love with no-one. My heart belongs to no-one and I am not thinking of any man whom I have any feelings for. 3 hot guys in finance but they are just decorations, pretty wallhangings. I have no true desire because I have no-one to project them on to. Sure it would be nice to get laid but as I've said before I'm not just going to shag someone.
Secret sex - 15th November
Given that I used to fantasise about all-girl threesomes when having sex with TLOML, I have often considered joining a secret sex society. Not a dirty seedy group of reprobates but a classy upmarket group of likeminded individuals who meet for purely hedonistic reasons.
There are lots of cons to such an action, not least the cost and my lack of confidence physically. Plus what if I got there and no-one wanted to play with me?
But the biggest pro would be the realisation of what I have wanted to do for so long. But no boyfriend has been brave or open-minded enough to try. And I know good sex and orgasms exist out there, and I want them again.
There are lots of cons to such an action, not least the cost and my lack of confidence physically. Plus what if I got there and no-one wanted to play with me?
But the biggest pro would be the realisation of what I have wanted to do for so long. But no boyfriend has been brave or open-minded enough to try. And I know good sex and orgasms exist out there, and I want them again.
Pretty woman - 9th November
So it seems a little bit tough to not allow myself to be attracted to anyone I work. There are a fair few hot guys in finance (strikes me as somewhat odd but hey perhaps Phoenix is being narrowminded. Oops).
Bloody typical. A guy in anothr part of the office has expressed an interest, but I have absolutely no desire to be romantically involved.
The most annoying thing is the person I am most attracted to is a woman. Seriously attracted. As in I want to do things with her that I have only ever fantasised about. She's absolutely beautiful and a really lovely person to boot. Soooo principled and ethical, she definitely puts me to shame. She uses up her annual leave going to protests, cycles to work even in the pouring rain and is so passionate about what she does.
This isn't the first time I have been attracted to a woman. The last one was a few years ago. Both these women are very physically different. But there's something I can't quite pinpoint about her. I've never told anyone about this. I just don't know how they would react. I don't know what I am. But I think the fact that I had to fantasise about being in bed with a woman instead of TLOML in order to come says a hell of a lot. A couple of my friends know this. They just don't know it was women.
I won't complete personal info equality forms. I refused to be put in a box or seen through a certain perspective. So I refuse to define my sexuality in any terms. I like who I like, when I like. Long as the sex is mutually consensual and pleasurable, keep going.
I'm getting aroused just thinking about her. Not a good idea on the way into work. I won't do anything about this, as I think she's straight and also I work with her. So not breaking that rule. Time to suppress it and put on my game face.
Bloody typical. A guy in anothr part of the office has expressed an interest, but I have absolutely no desire to be romantically involved.
The most annoying thing is the person I am most attracted to is a woman. Seriously attracted. As in I want to do things with her that I have only ever fantasised about. She's absolutely beautiful and a really lovely person to boot. Soooo principled and ethical, she definitely puts me to shame. She uses up her annual leave going to protests, cycles to work even in the pouring rain and is so passionate about what she does.
This isn't the first time I have been attracted to a woman. The last one was a few years ago. Both these women are very physically different. But there's something I can't quite pinpoint about her. I've never told anyone about this. I just don't know how they would react. I don't know what I am. But I think the fact that I had to fantasise about being in bed with a woman instead of TLOML in order to come says a hell of a lot. A couple of my friends know this. They just don't know it was women.
I won't complete personal info equality forms. I refused to be put in a box or seen through a certain perspective. So I refuse to define my sexuality in any terms. I like who I like, when I like. Long as the sex is mutually consensual and pleasurable, keep going.
I'm getting aroused just thinking about her. Not a good idea on the way into work. I won't do anything about this, as I think she's straight and also I work with her. So not breaking that rule. Time to suppress it and put on my game face.
7th November (posted later)
Hurting seems a particularly apt topic today given that it would have been mine and my ex's anniversary. Also the most recent guy's bday but I will nor be texting him. Why the hell would I?! Just seems kinda hard today.
There are a few cute guys at work but no way in hell am I going there. Regardless of the fact that I work with these people, I am self cogniscent enough to recognise that I just am not in the right place for a relationship. At least I am honouring what TLOML and I had by not replacing him. Yes I did get involved with someone rather quickly but looking back now, I just needed some comfort and a big manly frame to wrap around me. Now, where I'm at is, if I'm getting involved then it has to be the real thing.
I've felt this kind of pain only once before. When I split with the guy I lost my virginity to, after almost 3 years. I messed around with other guys and had a lot of fun, but then I got in a relationship for a year and half which just wasn't all there. A bloody struggle for most of the time. God knows what it did to him. So I know the emotional consequences of getting romantically involved too soon.
Not only that, but TLOML was to all extents and purposes my husband. I no longer live in our home with our pets. But neither does he. So that sucks.
I'm also very conscious of the fact that I have no relationship past 4 years. The idea of spending the next 4 years investing in something which will eventually fail and tear me up even more is not a prospect I relish. I will then be even older and unable to recover from more heartbreak.
At uni my friend predicted that I would have 3 marriages. Whether or not that includes TLOML remains to be seen. But the idea of going through this twice more is inconceivable. And making a fool of yourself 3 times saying in front of loved ones that you pledge forever? Embarrassing. Not to mention the waste of money.
The '3' prediction was matched by colleague when she read my palm. That prediction said 3 relationships so have I only got one more to be in? Or is more like 3 strikes and you're out?
One good thing has come of this though. My libido has gone securely back into hiding. Let's hope it stays there.
There are a few cute guys at work but no way in hell am I going there. Regardless of the fact that I work with these people, I am self cogniscent enough to recognise that I just am not in the right place for a relationship. At least I am honouring what TLOML and I had by not replacing him. Yes I did get involved with someone rather quickly but looking back now, I just needed some comfort and a big manly frame to wrap around me. Now, where I'm at is, if I'm getting involved then it has to be the real thing.
I've felt this kind of pain only once before. When I split with the guy I lost my virginity to, after almost 3 years. I messed around with other guys and had a lot of fun, but then I got in a relationship for a year and half which just wasn't all there. A bloody struggle for most of the time. God knows what it did to him. So I know the emotional consequences of getting romantically involved too soon.
Not only that, but TLOML was to all extents and purposes my husband. I no longer live in our home with our pets. But neither does he. So that sucks.
I'm also very conscious of the fact that I have no relationship past 4 years. The idea of spending the next 4 years investing in something which will eventually fail and tear me up even more is not a prospect I relish. I will then be even older and unable to recover from more heartbreak.
At uni my friend predicted that I would have 3 marriages. Whether or not that includes TLOML remains to be seen. But the idea of going through this twice more is inconceivable. And making a fool of yourself 3 times saying in front of loved ones that you pledge forever? Embarrassing. Not to mention the waste of money.
The '3' prediction was matched by colleague when she read my palm. That prediction said 3 relationships so have I only got one more to be in? Or is more like 3 strikes and you're out?
One good thing has come of this though. My libido has gone securely back into hiding. Let's hope it stays there.
14th October (posted later)
I think there's a strong correlation between intelligence and common sense
When I finally do date again, I want a real man, who is mature kind and a real adult.
Given that I'm not planning to date for a long time, he is going to have to wait for me, and prove he is worthy of me. I am not arrogant, I am not in love with myself, but I do deserve to be treated with respect and I want a man who is good enough for me. I am done with boys, overgrown manchilds, and losers who do not appreciate me for all that I am. I do not want a casual thing, nor a boring series of dates in which I find myself watching the clock. I want someone who I can love, without dramas, and who will not suppress me or stifle me personally or professionally. I want someone who will love me passionately. I am not and will not be seeking perfection, but just a decent human being. Waiting, and taking it slowly, is the way to go about achieving that. In 47 weeks time. Or maybe even later. Who knows, I might be happy celibate and end up extending it for another 6 months.
When I finally do date again, I want a real man, who is mature kind and a real adult.
Given that I'm not planning to date for a long time, he is going to have to wait for me, and prove he is worthy of me. I am not arrogant, I am not in love with myself, but I do deserve to be treated with respect and I want a man who is good enough for me. I am done with boys, overgrown manchilds, and losers who do not appreciate me for all that I am. I do not want a casual thing, nor a boring series of dates in which I find myself watching the clock. I want someone who I can love, without dramas, and who will not suppress me or stifle me personally or professionally. I want someone who will love me passionately. I am not and will not be seeking perfection, but just a decent human being. Waiting, and taking it slowly, is the way to go about achieving that. In 47 weeks time. Or maybe even later. Who knows, I might be happy celibate and end up extending it for another 6 months.
Thursday 1 December 2011
Back to the fold
I've been a bad Phoenix of late. Very bad. I haven't posted anything in bloody ages; I've been too busy with work and I find it quite hard editing this blog on my iPhone. I've been writing every day, o and from London on the commute, but not got round to posting my musings.
I've also slipped a few times. I have been playing with myself a bit. I could use the excuse that it helps me get to sleep, which is the truth, but it's naughty when considering the objective of this exercise. I was supposed to be teaching myself how to live without any sexual / romantic / intimate contact at all, but maybe that is more difficult than I imagined. At the very least, I didn't realise how much I used sex as a de-stressor. But is that such a bad thing?
So the next few posts are of the last month and my thoughts. Reading them back as I post them up here, I am quite surprised by how up and down they are. I suppose that is natural. After a breakup your feelings for your ex invariably fluctuate. If any of these posts may strike you, dear reader, as bitter and self-indulgent, please remember they are not. I am not bitter. I'm just a few months on from what was esentially a divorce. And I am scared to love again. But then an advantage to that is, I have my life back and I am no longer someone's middle aged frumpy housewife.
I've also slipped a few times. I have been playing with myself a bit. I could use the excuse that it helps me get to sleep, which is the truth, but it's naughty when considering the objective of this exercise. I was supposed to be teaching myself how to live without any sexual / romantic / intimate contact at all, but maybe that is more difficult than I imagined. At the very least, I didn't realise how much I used sex as a de-stressor. But is that such a bad thing?
So the next few posts are of the last month and my thoughts. Reading them back as I post them up here, I am quite surprised by how up and down they are. I suppose that is natural. After a breakup your feelings for your ex invariably fluctuate. If any of these posts may strike you, dear reader, as bitter and self-indulgent, please remember they are not. I am not bitter. I'm just a few months on from what was esentially a divorce. And I am scared to love again. But then an advantage to that is, I have my life back and I am no longer someone's middle aged frumpy housewife.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)