What a tangled web we weave...

Oh why is life so complicated?! Polite (awkward) conversation with N - at his instigation, probably to check I don't hate him and won't make it obvious in the office, heavy flirting sesh with guy I like (not witnessed woohoo; also rather arousing and exciting) and then giant hug from male mate colleague (innocent) interrupted by head of HR's pa. which I'm sure will get back to the rest of HR - who I suspect know about Tuesday. All in the space of an hour.  Ahhhhh!  My mates keep saying my love life is like a soap opera. It sooooo is. I just want it to be simple and easy - but when do we ever get what we want?!  I never thought my love life would be like this. When I look back on being 16, thinking about being 26, I envisaged myself happy but not settled down. I never expected to be recovering from a broken 'marriage' and living back with my parents. I was adamant I wouldn't date a coworker. Oops.  Looking at N today he looks really old. And I'm really not attracted to him. Maybe I am a bit of a guy when it comes to love these days. Or maybe I should actually recognise that everyone is unique and stop making sweeping male stereotypes. But recent events leave me inclined to make sociological assumptions. Maybe it's me? Who the fuck knows. But so far, no one seems to know. Let's keep it that way. I need to leave the little green men alone - too much personal crossing into the professional. But that's how it is here. Damnit.

Feminism empowered

Sod the men, now it's all about me. So, the online dating hasn't worked out. I'm too picky and I need the anticipation, the connection, to feel anything before and after a date.  The last 2 'natural's I have got involved with, are already in (supposedly) committed relationships. Which I was informed of AFTER they broke their vows. Whether I am the only time this has happened is beside the point. Given that I am now infuriated and disgusted with the male species, I have made a decision. I am done with dating. Now, I just want a fuck buddy. I'm done trying to see it from their point of view, trying to understand why they are unfaithful and empathise that they must be unhappy. No, maybe they just like sex. Whatever. It's back to 2D, flat, uninsightful analysis. They cheat. And I am NOT willing to be the vehicle that enables them.  I have no idea what awaits me at the office today. People saw us flirting Tuesday, but hopefully that's as much as they know. I really didn't want to get something started with him, it was purely physical. His pillow talk, trying to let me know about his life, and his failure to tell me he was engaged were really disrespectful to me. So fuck him. And like I said, he gets professional. And that's only for the sake of my professional reputation. Yes I'm a little hurt, but I didn't have to be. If he'd just stopped talking and got on with it I wouldn't have had to listen to his lies. It was supposed to be purely physical, but by lying and telling me about his family he made it something else. I'm not an idiot. And neither am I an addict. I'm like a surfer, seeking the ultimate wave. Or the ultimate night of pleasure. Like my (female) colleague said, I'm young free single and attractive. After years of crap sex with my ex, I'm getting what I want. And I don't care how selfish that sounds. So a fuck buddy, with zero conversation, would be perfect. And if anyone asks or says anything, I'll deny it all. Especially if it gets back to the gorgeous guy I have fancied for a couple of months now. Not that that will ever happen; he's too religious. He would not be a good prospect for a fuck buddy - definitely feelings there. Plus, we work together. But maybe I have to accept that chances are, I will get involved with someone I work with. 

Best laid plans of nice and men

I'm somewhat rather shy writing this post. But the point was honesty, and I therefore must be open.  I had sex with my colleague. At conference.  We were up late drinking and flirting, and he invited me back to his room.  It was good, and orgasmic, but not the best I've ever had. But then it's the best I've had in a long while. Mild flirtation has been slowly building between us for a couple of weeks, but I really didn't think anything would happen. I didn't even go to him last night, he came to find me and stayed around for hours. I sure as hell don't want a relationship, and perhaps I may have been a little blunt on this, but we have a mutual rule of not getting involved with colleagues. That went out the window. But I'm still rather into someone else at work, much as I try not to be, and I don't want him to find out. Not to mention how awful the office gossip would be.  The pillow talk was weird though. He started telling me about his family and personal life. I didn't really want to know, I was just enjoying it for the physicality. N seemed to either actually like me, or be trying to protect my feelings, but I was enjoying embracing the sexual tension and kissing him felt so good. (Although the pash rash has not been fun trying to cover today).And it's been a while since I met a guy whose top priority is female pleasure. I was a bit selfish I think, but I'm not concerned. I knew it wouldn't be repeated so I wasn't fussed about making him want more. When saw him today i realised I'm not really attracted to him, but he looked utterly hot dressed as a miner in blue coveralls for the fancy dress costume. Not my usual type but he pulled it off.  We were both adamant that no one else can know. I'll know when I walk into the office whether he's told anyone. I'll kill him if he has.  It was good, fun and enjoyable. But finding out from another colleague today that he is engaged has shredded the pleasure and made me angry. What the fuck was he doing?! Why did he risk all that for it?why do men do this? I would not have let last night happen had I known he had a partner.  Now I know, I feel like avoiding him and / or giving him a piece of my mind. But we said we'd be workmates. I'm just not truly sure whether we can go back to that.  I just want to put it behind me, but now I've learnt about his fiancé I'm not sure I can. I hate feeling like the guilty one in all this. And I'm pretty sure he was avoiding me as much as I was avoiding him today. Oh hell. This is why you should maintain your no colleagues rule Phoenix. But I really did enjoy my night of debauchery. It's just the morning after the night before.  It's not the sex that fucks you up, it's the fallout. 

The good behaviour manifesto

Standing in line for the coach to our destination, I realise just how big my organisation is. And how many beautiful men work here. A lot of them are gay, but still nice to look at. And it will be interesting to meet people from other offices. But this reinforces the need to behave and protect my professional reputation. Even though my horoscope said to go outside my comfort zone and have fun, as taking risks gives me an adrenaline rush. The fact that I really need to get laid is not helping. So I'm writing this as a declaration of good intent, and a reminder to myself to behave. But with work mandated fun impending, I really feel like throwing it all out the window and being a minx. It's been too bloody long. Maybe if I was in a relationship it would help. But I'm 9 months on from the worst night of my life, and that is a sobering reminder of the need to behave. I am no longer a wild child, I am an adult professional. 

Facebook then and now - or, time is a great healer (and FB lets you look back on another time)

Facebook is a wonderful invention.   It's interesting to see that 8 months ago, I was down and needed hugs and love, wondering if and when life would get better. Well, now it has. I have good friends, a wonderful loving supportive family, and a great permanent job. It could be a lot worse. It was a lot worse. And yes I'd like a man to complement it, but I don't NEED one. Massive difference. I'm no longer running away, seeking what I needed, in a man. I'm stronger, better and more in control of myself and my plans now. I can't control everything, and I will still get hurt. But the 6 months I gave myself to think have done me an inordinate amount of good.  Nothing is official unless it's on FB. And  I laughed when I was informed of what mcgeeky dickhead is up to next - he so won't cope. And I really doubt his mother will allow him to follow through on said plans. Plus what will happen to his flat?  Interesting how I thought he was so noble and full of integrity, yet he is now going somewhere he vowed not to go. Did he just say that to keep me sweet? Who can truly say. But we were not meant to be. And I really am glad it's over; we would have dragged each other down. I write this with no anger or bitterness; just calm reflection bred of retrospection.  I am glad he is on another continent though (at least for the next year) - it means I have the run of south England without worrying I'll run into him. I feel for him that his plans fell through, but then perhaps he should have taken his own advice and got out of the TEFL game. Or organised a job before he shelled out on flights to the other side of the world. Take a risk, yes. But riding bareback? Oh so dumb. Fool.  In some ways I miss what we had. Not the bullshit, the lies and the falsity. Not the ending or how ugly he became.  But I do miss the intimacy of quiet DVD n dominos nights, and the lengths he went to in the kitchen (and bedroom) for me. Did he love me? Who knows.  But it's an interesting reminder of that time; that when I went back to collect my stuff, it was still everywhere as though I'd never left. And he couldn't have bought a girl home in that time as it looked as though a couple lived there. Maybe he was like me in the self-confidence area, not quite capable of believing I deserve something so incredible. But like I said on FB back then, once the trust is gone, it's gone. And I am worth far more than him.  It's still interesting to look back on it though, as a barometer of how far I've come and how resilient I am.  And I will be loved again. I believe this. Not in a Disney-risqué way, but a calm inner certainty.  If a man as good as my first love can adore me, so can another. Someone right for me, who will treat me with the respect I deserve. I'm looking forward to meeting him. And in the meantime, I'm focusing on me, my education and my career. It's nice to be able to do that. Sat reading an academic textbook in a coffeehouse today, I reflected on the fact that I CAN.  And I am. Bloody marvellous. 

Another one bites the dust

So what is with my habit of deleting a guy's number? I think I just want to not drunk dial them, and see if they get in touch. And if they don't I can't get in touch with them.  Why am I so tied up by a guy because of his kiss? What does it mean and what am I going to do if I can't kiss him again?   I've deleted his number and I don't expect to hear from him again. Nice kissing isn't enough for me. And he seems sweet and decent, but I do want more than a typical uni relationship. I'm sorry he's having a tough time but I don't want to start something with dramas. And him having a child is not really something I think I can vibe with. Especially not if his ex is anything like the monsters on Jeremy Kyle. Maybe I was more attracted to him because he looks a lot like 2 of my exes? Who knows. But the lesson learned is twofold - kissing is not enough, and don't go on a date with someone who is hungover. Ever. 

Not quite going as planned...

So far I haven't quite managed the multiple dating as planned; they seem to come one at a time. Sure there's cross-over, but no two guys in one week.  The more downbeat and negative I've been before the date, the more I've had an enjoyable time with them.  But it just hasn't quite progressed. I've got as far as third date so far and I just can't get past that. But I'm being much more ruthless now and if they don't cut it, I cut them. Simples.  The guy who blew me off 2 hours before is back again. I surmise it's because he hasn't met anyone else. I find myself giving him short shrift and not saying much. So why does he keep contacting me? He says girls are only looking for one thing, but surely that's a 25year old male's fantasy? Perhaps I'm generalising. But then trying to get back in my good books by highlighting how different he is to everyone else just doesn't work either. I should ignore him. I've been advised by my friends not to meet him. But I gotta admit, I'm still intrigued....despite my no bullshit rule. Maybe it's because I know he works with my ex...that could be fun. But then how would I feel if he saw me after all these years and thought phew, lucky escape? He hurt me enough back then. And surely I'd worry they were talking about me... Paranoia is no fun. I'm beginning to think I get hurt by bastards, and then end up hurting the good ones, thereby hurting myself. So many mistakes. But I still have time to right them. It's about learning, growing and being the best person I can be. 

The greatest diet of all

It's been a while since I've thought about sex.  Sex in the true sense.  Sex that makes you forget all else, makes the world stop (and the stars come out).  Sex that feels so damn good you look at the clock and somehow 3 hours have passed while you are wrapped around your loved one. 
I miss this kind of sex.  It's been a bloody long time since I got laid, and sooooooo much longer since I had a really good time in bed.  Nearly a year, in fact.  That is so depressing. 
But while I would like to have those incredible experiences again, I am adamant I will not just drop trou for any dick that comes along.  I want it to mean something.  In all my years as a lover (and oddly enough, I have only recently become comfortable using such an expression) I have learnt that the best experiences come from a man who knows you, knows your body, knows what and how you like it and can make you sing like a soprano - with a great big smile on his face as he gets the ultimate ego boost. 
Today I've been dwelling on Easter, obesity and overindulgence.  Sadly I have not overindulged in chocolate, had a roast dinner, nor have I consumed alcohol.  I have seen my nan, which to me is more important than all the above.  And it got me thinking about her love for my grandad (a man I never met sadly), who was a handsome man.  She was a beautiful woman.  Her comment to me that I'll find the right man eventually made me smile. She knows how tough my break-up was, and that I am truly much happier being single.  Or maybe just not being with my ex anymore.  But I am better off this way.  It just would be nice to get laid occasionally.  But as I don't want a fuck buddy or a tawdry affair (at this point in time; if it changes and I do want that and I have it and no-one gets hurt, then I'll go with it.  Life is all about choice), I am not getting it at the moment.  I want it in a meaningful relationship. 

Love is not easy.  It’s tough to find, and requires real effort to maintain.  This isn’t easy when considering the other pressures involved in adulthood.  But it is oh-so-worth-it.  Especially when after a long hard day at work, I want to come in, skip dinner and go straight to the dessert.  An evening in bed with my fella is just the perfect tonic to reality. 

It’s probably no surprise that my favourite diet is the sex diet.  It’s pretty much what is says on the tin, but for the uninitiated, I’ll explain:  Sex is your main form of exercise.  As well as being a good cardiovascular activity (scientifically proven), multiple orgasms do wonders for your abs and glutes.  It also lifts your mood thanks to the lovely endorphins and serotonin released during lovemaking.  This in turn prevents you snacking on junk for a happiness fix.  You enhance this positivity by eating aphrodisiac foods (asparagus and strawberries are excellent health foods) and food which can be eaten in bed, or off one another’s bodies.  Pretty straightforward.  Plus it has the benefit of bringing you closer to your partner.  As with all diet and exercise regimes, I must add a warning label – this should not be practised with someone you don’t want to become extremely close to, and safe sex should be practised to prevent personal injury. 

 Unfortunately, they don't make condoms for the heart.  Which is why my knickers are staying firmly around my hips at the moment. 

My poor 64GB brain....inbox almost full

Happy Easter all, I hope your extended weekend was as religious / chocolate-y as you hoped it would be.  Given that Easter weekend is synonymous with overindulgence and gluttony, I find myself reflecting on the fact that not only are we a nation of over eaters in the traditional sense, we are also overstuffed with…. Data.  Yes, the humble PC has well and truly taken over our lives.  Google has now become a verb.  Londoners meet dates and partners online.  We email colleagues rather than talk face-to-face, whether out of convenience or to have a trail of evidence that something was said or done, and we update our statuses rather than call our friends.  Is this because we have so little time and a few hundred characters is easier than an hour-long conversation?  Shopping online is often preferable to queuing up for hours, and we can have it delivered right to our location, without leaving the comfort of the armchair.  News is online; so is access to anything and everything we want to know.  Even sex is online – porn, chat rooms and fuckbuddy exchanges.   My recent article on hope, happiness and self-belief at the click of a mouse still stands – it’s about opening yourself up to new experiences and possibilities.  But I can’t help but wonder - are we going too far with the internet?  We can have what we want, immediately.  But what is this doing to us?  The “I have to have it now” culture and learning all we want to (and more) instantly don’t fit too well with romance.
We have detailed questionnaires in which we grade our deepest personality traits and attitudes on a spectrum.  These are then used to ascertain who we are compatible with ‘on the deepest levels’.  Our bosses, rather than get to know us, email us links to psychometric testing which they say will enable them to understand individuals and therefore help the team to work more effectively together.  I take umbrage at both of these data-generators for the same reason – they don’t always reveal the real me.  Yes I may answer the questions truthfully, but that also depends on a) the pre-programmed response for every question, b) my mood when I answer it, and c) the intelligence of the questions themselves.  Asking me how energised I feel when I give good and bad news to someone is pretty dumb to my mind, when they are two different things.  So how can I answer in a way which tackles both aspects of the question?!  Personally, I prefer good old-fashioned conversation over this electronic psychoanalysis any day.  And I uphold my professional face at work, keeping my personal life very private (no-one needs to know I am attracted to my colleague as I will never allow anything to happen with him.  Even if he knew I existed/was into me too.)  So I utterly object to my manager know how I respond to fear and overcoming challenging situations.  None of your sodding business.
It takes time to get to know someone.  Dating, hanging out, having a laugh.  Even discovering what you don’t have in common and what you clash on – all important factors in considering whether you could make it work with someone.  And you can get on brilliantly online, but then be somewhat disappointed when you meet.  I have come to the conclusion that the person you meet after chatting to them over the internet, is likely to be a disappointment.   Reality is never as good as the fantasy.  You form an idea of who and what they are in your head, based on characteristics you recognise in others, because you have not met them and do not know any better.  So far it appears that guys think of me as a Jessica Rabbit-type, with Barbie’s proportions.  They are disappointed when they discover that I actually come in high-definition 3D with surround sound.   Yes boys, not only beauty and boobs but a BRAIN too.  Who would have thought this was possible.  (Mind you is this really surprising given the objectification of women in lads’ mags?  But that’s another article). Therein lies the crux of the matter – you cannot fit the complexity of yourself into a box.  Describing yourself online in order to attract dates is one of the biggest cases of misselling I have ever encountered.  Before you ask, yes my profile is a wholly accurate description of myself.  But describing myself as “a confident straight-talker with no interest in games or bs, who calls it like it is and goes after what I want. Looking for a spontaneous, fun cheeky decent guy who treats women with respect and isn't afraid of a little honesty, intelligence or feist” seems to be off-putting to some, and a challenge to others.  Whether a turn off or turn on, you can’t truly know until you meet the in-the-flesh person.   Love is not maintained through virtual communication.  Yes it helps bridge the gap when you are apart, but you need the person-to-person contact to be a real relationship.  The fact that so many people are searching for ‘the one’ suggests to me that we all feel how deeply our lives have been cut off from reality and increasingly lived through social media.  We are all looking for that something more than what we get from our friends, family and other social interactions.  This is my theory, and perhaps somewhat stubbornly I’m sticking to it.  I refuse to believe people are paying to join dating sites to just get laid – surely it would be cheaper to just go to a bar?  It’s a recession, and so few people have spare cash to throw around.  Ergo, they must be looking for something extra.
I’m not averse to computers.  I find them extremely helpful.  But only to a point – and then they become a hindrance.  I find myself irritated that my last ‘liaison’ didn’t declare that he had a child on his profile.  I learnt about her courtesy of his friend’s drunken outburst.  Fair enough, one might think.  It’s his life and his privacy.  But when you’re happy to announce to the world your age, sexual orientation, religion, deepest fears and life dreams, keeping the existence of your child from prospective suitors seems an odd thing to do.  Especially when there’s a box you can tick to state whether you have any.  So why did he not man up and say he does?  I totally respect his right to privacy.  I didn't tell him I knew, because a) he hadn't told me and b) I didnt want to cause dramas between him and his friend.  His mate joining us on the second date was not really what I had pictured when he called me about meeting again.  Even so, I'm not a bitch.  But why be so open and transparent about some things, but keep other important stuff secret?  That said, him telling me that he wasn't much of a drinker on our first date, then showing up to the second hungover, was a bit of a clue about this guy's attitude to playing it straight.

When computers break down, there are a plethora of options available – not least being try to fix it yourself.  But what should we do when relationships and communication (between people, not telephone systems) break down?  I suppose there's always email - or Facebook.....

Jesus and celibacy arise from the dead

On this day, Jesus arose from the dead (according to scripture).  Easter Sunday represents the beginning of new life, new things, and all things fluffy and cute.  It also represents the day of gluttonous overindulgence in chocolate, but let's not dwell on that. 
Today my brain has been reborn.  I have realised just how true it is that there is more to life than passion (ironic given that this weekend is often referred to as The Passion Of The Christ) and just how much more is needed to sustain something than lust.  I don't pretend to be perfect, and I recall how thoroughly unimpressed I was by so much of the date yesterday.  I think I try not to be judgemental (doesn't always happen but I truly do my best in this regard), and my thinking that I should give him another chance (he did drag himself out of bed to see me hungover) is too open-minded.  I want right for me, and he just isn't it.  This is emphasised to me by the fact that he still gets stoned despite having a 6-year-old, and was feeling so down about financial stuff that he wanted to spend the weekend drinking (again not judging, but underwhelmed with the choice of coping mechanisms).
Yes he looks like a couple of my exes, and yes it felt right when he held my hand, but his behaviour is too similar to that of McGeeky Dick.  Maybe I am being too quick to judge, but if it doesn't feel right it doesn't feel right.  I really don't want to get involved with another pothead TEFL teacher.  Been there, done that, finally learnt my lesson.   And I really don't need another guy who seems to be one thing, but is actually a massive drug user / drinker / depressive.
It could be argued that being burnt once doesn't mean you will be burnt again.  To some extent this is true.  But if you continue to take pizza out of the oven without oven gloves you will get burnt again.  Repeatedly.  We learn from our mistakes when it comes to survival, but not necessarily romantic mistakes.  I have - which is why I don't want to see this guy again.  I have to protect myself and keep myself safe.  Physically, but also emotionally.  And I have been involved with druggie guys enough times to learn when to walk away.  Annoyingly, they don't always reveal themselves to be this at first, but given that this guy has, I am being sensible and stopping it now. 
And yes, I travelled an hour on the tube to see him, but I know what I know now and that makes it worth it.  Plus the idea of a guy who lives that far away from me is too much effort to comprehend.  I'd like to be able to leave a guy's if I'm staying over and we have a fight, and a 2-hour journey home is a bit too much.  As I don't want to date a guy from my hometown (though a bit of light online-flirting is okay; I do like guys in uniform) that means I will be single until I move to London permanently.  But that's too far in advance for me to plan.  I'm trying to live each day as it comes and find happiness and positivity in each day. 
I would not have deleted his number if I really wanted to see him again.    I hope he won't contact me again.  If he does, I'll be polite, but I just can't be bothered with it.  I need to look out for me, because no-one else will. 
I'm not really sure how much I want to date right now.  It's not turning out to be quite what I had expected.  I envisaged lots of fun, romantic dates, casual and light emotional involvement which would be fun.  I would feel glamourous, desired and relaxed with it all.  Instead I'm finding out that lots of guys, who I imagined would be adults by now, either have kids or issues.  Or both.  And / or alcohol-related issues.  Perhaps this is the norm for Britain, but it isn't what I want.
It's possible I'm not yet over the pain of the last year.  I don't think a person can go through what I went through and just be fine.  And I am getting really jaded by the lack of success dating-wise so far.  It's been 3 full months since I broke my celibacy, and the closest thing I came to something was with Popeye.  I've had reasonable sex with one guy, crap sex with another, but with both of them I wasn't really feeling it.  And that's not what I want.  But I am strong in my self-respect and I didn't fall into bed with the guy yesterday despite my attraction to him.  So my strength is holding up and I'm not giving in to my libido.  Maybe I will never be able to suppress it, but as long as I can control it and ensure I don't do anything that undermines my sense of self, I don't have to kill it off.  Actions, not thoughts, are what matters.  And fantasising about my colleague doing me on top of the photocopier is fine - as long as it doesn't actually happen! But I am pretty confident it won't, as I won't allow myself to.
I'm jaded by my London dating experiences to date.  I feel like throwing in the towel and hanging up my matching underwear (secret confidence booster).  And what guy wants to wade through mistrust, wariness, and lack of faith in men to get to the grand prize?  Dating me is hardly the Holy Grail.  If I don't want to get involved with someone who is angry with women in general because he has been hurt before, surely there is no guy who wants to push through the defensive mechanisms I have in place in order to date me?
As I've said before, the lack of connection before a date means it is so much easier to just walk away if the date isn't bang on target.  Yesterday before I saw him, I was considering changing the name of my blog to back in the saddle again (or something similarly catchy/cheesy).  Now I am going back to celibacy.  The next guy I date will be someone special, who truly cares about me.  Not just someone online who thinks 'hey pretty face and interesting profile'.  If I refuse to be boxed and categorised by equal opportunity forms for HR and sales companies, I sure as hell cannot sum myself up in 160 characters online.  Impossible.  And it obviously won't describe their complexity and individuality.  The first few dates are when you should be on your best behaviour.  Things usually go downhill the more time progresses; it shouldn't be crap at the start.
The annoying thing is, I was starting to get my writing published.  Detailing my thoughts on romance and dating in the modern world.    This post and mindframe isn't exactly inspirational for women waiting to hear about how to capture Mr Rgiht, but maybe it will appeal to a more modern-minded individual who appreciates honesty and can relate to the truth rather than a rosy, sugar-coated Disney version of romance.  So, I'll continue to keep writing and hopefully keep getting published.  If not, that's that.  But I have to be honest and true to myself.  And I don't believe in making the same mistakes repeatedly.  The 6 months of introspection during celibacy afforded me that.  And life truly is much easier without man dramas in it.  To this end, I'm cancelling my subscriptions to match.com and uniformdating.com.  I may complete the profile sent to me by matchaffinity.com purely out of interest, as it asks (A LOT!) of questions which make you think about yourself.  But I'm (at least for now) done with online dating.  I may try it again in the future.  But then again, in the future I may actually want a full-blown relationship.  But to take the edge off, I will stop by Ann Summers next payday and treat myself to a brand-spanking-new Rabbit.  Well, I don't believe in denying myself ALL pleasure.  Just much easier to achieve it by myself.  

Little Miss Indecisive

Or perhaps the title should be, are white socks enough of a reason not to see someone again?  Too many options means decisions are difficult. It's too easy to bin someone for the smallest things as you imagine better is around the corner. I should probably explain the reasoning behind my milk-churned thoughts today.  I had a second date today. Our first date was more fun. I wasn't too impressed when he called his mate to loan him some money and meet us in the pub. I was even less impressed when his mate decided to stay for a few, and he didn't say anything.  But....he is cute. A bit tired looking today, but still sexy. Perhaps that's the age thing. But I guess I have higher expectations when a guy has reached his 30s. Do they ever grow up?! Maybe I should cut the guy some slack. He did drag his hungover (gorgeous) butt out of bed because he wanted to see me.  The problem is, I'm not sure about him. Perhaps I'm not one of those people who knows instantly on the first date - that is, without alcohol. He seemed to know what I was thinking, which was interesting.  And it felt right when he had his arm around me. I feel physically comfortable with him (quite rare these days) and want more touching. Lots more. But I'm also not a hook-up girl and going back to his on the second date would not have been the right thing to do.  So here's the plan. See him again, maybe a couple of times, and make up my mind. But I also know that physical attraction is not enough to sustain something, and I like a guy who can keep a conversation going. Countering this I know he was hungover, and he did apologise for it not being very romantic. But I do feel he shouldn't have got so smashed if he knew he was going to see me today. He did call to cancel, but then changed his mind and said he wanted to see me. not sure about the indecision. I'm trying to work out if he's a stoner, or tired, or just chilled. Maybe all three.  Maybe I'm too picky. Or maybe I seem too easy-going and chilled.  The goodbye kiss was nice. Again.  It seemed to have potential, like it could grow. But then maybe he only has one gear. And that's not how I like my sex.  And I really did want to go back to his. But I didn't fancy getting stuck on my way home at midnight on Easter Sunday. And I want to get to know him more before I screw him. I want it to mean something. And I don't want to get hurt. I'm still trying to figure him out, see if he's good enough and someone I could actually be with.  There are lots of reasons not to see him again. There are always lots of reasons. But then looking back on all my serious relationships (as a comparison) I never envisaged them developing into full-blown love - which they did. And I'm not sure whether white socks are a strong enough reason not to see someone again. Maybe I'm being shallow. I always listen to my gut, and I'm not getting 'run away screaming'. Maybe I'll give him another chance to show me what it could be, like our first date. Or is it all downhill from here? His mate's drunken slip that he has a daughter was certainly unexpected. I find myself wondering if and when he'll tell me. And I'm wondering whether I'm bothered by it, or if I'm scared of getting hurt and I'm looking for excuses to back away. What I keep coming back to is, I wouldn't travel on the tube for an hour for just anyone. I know I don't want a relationship that badly.  I want someone chilled out yet passionate. Who I can be relaxed around but also enjoy my time with.  Essentially I want it all. But maybe that is unrealistic.  I want to multi-date. The American approach to casual dating - essentially, keep a few guys on retainer. But is that cruel to them when they may be looking for the real thing? And how soon is too soon to call it off, especially when you might be feeling a little something? And once you start getting pelvic with them, is it really fair to keep seeing others? How would I feel if they kept on having sex with other girls?  Perhaps the reality is, in order to get into someone, you have to let a little bit of yourself go and give them a chance. I don't believe in perfection, but I would like three consistently good dates to make up my mind. Is that so much to ask? More likely that when I let myself get excited and look forward to it, the anticipation is always better than the reality. Just like sex - first time with someone new is not great, second time can be a bit crap, and it starts to get good on number 3. Or you realise you're not sexually compatible.  Reading back over this, I'm shocked at myself. His indecision about what to do today irritated me somewhat. I suppose I like knowing what the plan is and sticking to it on dates. But how indecisive am I being about this guy?  Tune in soon for the next instalment folks. But that said, I probably will not see him again. Or maybe I'll be in love. Who knows? I certainly don't. 

Confidence

A conversation with my friend tonight has certainly given me food for thought.  His remarks that I'd eat the guy I like at work for breakfast may be true, but I do like him more than I've let on. This is both for the sake of self-preservation at work, and also to remind myself he doesn't feel that way about me. I don't want to waste time on someone/something which will go nowhere.  I think this is the crux of the matter. Why I find it so easy to delete guys based on their photos, or to not give a crap if they don't call. I'm done waiting around for boys to play their silly little games.  I know what I want and I won't settle for anything less. I'd rather be single than with the wrong guy. I spent the last year of a 3.5 year relationship unhappy. I'm not willing to waste my life like that again.   It's not about settling down, or my body clock. I still have many things I want to accomplish before I become a mother. Which I would like to do. But this is about me, now.  To be somewhat crude, I would like to get laid soon. But as I don't want a tawdry or empty hook-up, I want to meet someone and get close and then have sex. But with intimacy. My friend asked me what I'm really looking for as I don't seem to truly want a relationship. I don't. I want a fuck buddy with intimacy. Surely that's a relationship, B countered. Perhaps. But I don't want the drama or hardship of a relationship. I want to date, have fun and see what develops. I am looking for love, that all-encompassing passionate fire, but only with someone who will give me that back. Someone worthy of me.  So perhaps I may not want to be in a relationship right now, but much better that than so desperate for one I end up with the wrong person or worse, a nasty person.  I want what I want. I know it's out there. It's just a case of finding it. And having found myself again, I have no intention of letting me go.