Happy Easter all, I hope your extended weekend was as religious /
chocolate-y as you hoped it would be. Given that Easter weekend is
synonymous with overindulgence and gluttony, I find myself reflecting on
the fact that not only are we a nation of over eaters in the
traditional sense, we are also overstuffed with…. Data. Yes, the humble
PC has well and truly taken over our lives. Google has now become a
verb. Londoners meet dates and partners online. We email colleagues
rather than talk face-to-face, whether out of convenience or to have a
trail of evidence that something was said or done, and we update our
statuses rather than call our friends. Is this because we have so
little time and a few hundred characters is easier than an hour-long
conversation? Shopping online is often preferable to queuing up for
hours, and we can have it delivered right to our location, without
leaving the comfort of the armchair. News is online; so is access to
anything and everything we want to know. Even sex is online – porn,
chat rooms and fuckbuddy exchanges. My recent article on hope,
happiness and self-belief at the click of a mouse still stands – it’s
about opening yourself up to new experiences and possibilities. But I
can’t help but wonder - are we going too far with the internet? We can
have what we want, immediately. But what is this doing to us? The “I
have to have it now” culture and learning all we want to (and more)
instantly don’t fit too well with romance.
We have detailed
questionnaires in which we grade our deepest personality traits and
attitudes on a spectrum. These are then used to ascertain who we are
compatible with ‘on the deepest levels’. Our bosses, rather than get to
know us, email us links to psychometric testing which they say will
enable them to understand individuals and therefore help the team to
work more effectively together. I take umbrage at both of these
data-generators for the same reason – they don’t always reveal the real
me. Yes I may answer the questions truthfully, but that also depends on
a) the pre-programmed response for every question, b) my mood when I
answer it, and c) the intelligence of the questions themselves. Asking
me how energised I feel when I give good and bad news to someone is
pretty dumb to my mind, when they are two different things. So how can I
answer in a way which tackles both aspects of the question?!
Personally, I prefer good old-fashioned conversation over this
electronic psychoanalysis any day. And I uphold my professional face at
work, keeping my personal life very private (no-one needs to know I am
attracted to my colleague as I will never allow anything to happen with
him. Even if he knew I existed/was into me too.) So I utterly object
to my manager know how I respond to fear and overcoming challenging
situations. None of your sodding business.
It takes time to get
to know someone. Dating, hanging out, having a laugh. Even discovering
what you don’t have in common and what you clash on – all important
factors in considering whether you could make it work with someone. And
you can get on brilliantly online, but then be somewhat disappointed
when you meet. I have come to the conclusion that the person you meet
after chatting to them over the internet, is likely to be a
disappointment. Reality is never as good as the fantasy. You form an
idea of who and what they are in your head, based on characteristics you
recognise in others, because you have not met them and do not know any
better. So far it appears that guys think of me as a Jessica
Rabbit-type, with Barbie’s proportions. They are disappointed when they
discover that I actually come in high-definition 3D with surround
sound. Yes boys, not only beauty and boobs but a BRAIN too. Who would
have thought this was possible. (Mind you is this really surprising
given the objectification of women in lads’ mags? But that’s another
article). Therein lies the crux of the matter – you cannot fit the
complexity of yourself into a box. Describing yourself online in order
to attract dates is one of the biggest cases of misselling I have ever
encountered. Before you ask, yes my profile is a wholly accurate
description of myself. But describing myself as “a confident
straight-talker with no interest in games or bs, who calls it like it is
and goes after what I want. Looking for a spontaneous, fun cheeky
decent guy who treats women with respect and isn't afraid of a little
honesty, intelligence or feist” seems to be off-putting to some, and a
challenge to others. Whether a turn off or turn on, you can’t truly
know until you meet the in-the-flesh person. Love is not maintained
through virtual communication. Yes it helps bridge the gap when you are
apart, but you need the person-to-person contact to be a real
relationship. The fact that so many people are searching for ‘the one’
suggests to me that we all feel how deeply our lives have been cut off
from reality and increasingly lived through social media. We are all
looking for that something more than what we get from our friends,
family and other social interactions. This is my theory, and perhaps
somewhat stubbornly I’m sticking to it. I refuse to believe people are
paying to join dating sites to just get laid – surely it would be
cheaper to just go to a bar? It’s a recession, and so few people have
spare cash to throw around. Ergo, they must be looking for something
extra.
I’m not averse to computers. I find them extremely
helpful. But only to a point – and then they become a hindrance. I
find myself irritated that my last ‘liaison’ didn’t declare that he had a
child on his profile. I learnt about her courtesy of his friend’s
drunken outburst. Fair enough, one might think. It’s his life and his
privacy. But when you’re happy to announce to the world your age,
sexual orientation, religion, deepest fears and life dreams, keeping the
existence of your child from prospective suitors seems an odd thing to
do. Especially when there’s a box you can tick to state whether you
have any. So why did he not man up and say he does? I totally respect
his right to privacy. I didn't tell him I knew, because a) he hadn't
told me and b) I didnt want to cause dramas between him and his friend.
His mate joining us on the second date was not really what I had
pictured when he called me about meeting again. Even so, I'm not a
bitch. But why be so open and transparent about some things, but keep
other important stuff secret? That said, him telling me that he wasn't
much of a drinker on our first date, then showing up to the second
hungover, was a bit of a clue about this guy's attitude to playing it
straight.
When computers break down, there are a plethora of options
available – not least being try to fix it yourself. But what should we
do when relationships and communication (between people, not telephone
systems) break down? I suppose there's always email - or Facebook.....
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