On this day, Jesus arose from the dead (according to scripture). Easter Sunday represents the beginning of new life, new things, and all things fluffy and cute. It also represents the day of gluttonous overindulgence in chocolate, but let's not dwell on that.
Today my brain has been reborn. I have realised just how true it is that there is more to life than passion (ironic given that this weekend is often referred to as The Passion Of The Christ) and just how much more is needed to sustain something than lust. I don't pretend to be perfect, and I recall how thoroughly unimpressed I was by so much of the date yesterday. I think I try not to be judgemental (doesn't always happen but I truly do my best in this regard), and my thinking that I should give him another chance (he did drag himself out of bed to see me hungover) is too open-minded. I want right for me, and he just isn't it. This is emphasised to me by the fact that he still gets stoned despite having a 6-year-old, and was feeling so down about financial stuff that he wanted to spend the weekend drinking (again not judging, but underwhelmed with the choice of coping mechanisms).
Yes he looks like a couple of my exes, and yes it felt right when he held my hand, but his behaviour is too similar to that of McGeeky Dick. Maybe I am being too quick to judge, but if it doesn't feel right it doesn't feel right. I really don't want to get involved with another pothead TEFL teacher. Been there, done that, finally learnt my lesson. And I really don't need another guy who seems to be one thing, but is actually a massive drug user / drinker / depressive.
It could be argued that being burnt once doesn't mean you will be burnt again. To some extent this is true. But if you continue to take pizza out of the oven without oven gloves you will get burnt again. Repeatedly. We learn from our mistakes when it comes to survival, but not necessarily romantic mistakes. I have - which is why I don't want to see this guy again. I have to protect myself and keep myself safe. Physically, but also emotionally. And I have been involved with druggie guys enough times to learn when to walk away. Annoyingly, they don't always reveal themselves to be this at first, but given that this guy has, I am being sensible and stopping it now.
And yes, I travelled an hour on the tube to see him, but I know what I know now and that makes it worth it. Plus the idea of a guy who lives that far away from me is too much effort to comprehend. I'd like to be able to leave a guy's if I'm staying over and we have a fight, and a 2-hour journey home is a bit too much. As I don't want to date a guy from my hometown (though a bit of light online-flirting is okay; I do like guys in uniform) that means I will be single until I move to London permanently. But that's too far in advance for me to plan. I'm trying to live each day as it comes and find happiness and positivity in each day.
I would not have deleted his number if I really wanted to see him again. I hope he won't contact me again. If he does, I'll be polite, but I just can't be bothered with it. I need to look out for me, because no-one else will.
I'm not really sure how much I want to date right now. It's not turning out to be quite what I had expected. I envisaged lots of fun, romantic dates, casual and light emotional involvement which would be fun. I would feel glamourous, desired and relaxed with it all. Instead I'm finding out that lots of guys, who I imagined would be adults by now, either have kids or issues. Or both. And / or alcohol-related issues. Perhaps this is the norm for Britain, but it isn't what I want.
It's possible I'm not yet over the pain of the last year. I don't think a person can go through what I went through and just be fine. And I am getting really jaded by the lack of success dating-wise so far. It's been 3 full months since I broke my celibacy, and the closest thing I came to something was with Popeye. I've had reasonable sex with one guy, crap sex with another, but with both of them I wasn't really feeling it. And that's not what I want. But I am strong in my self-respect and I didn't fall into bed with the guy yesterday despite my attraction to him. So my strength is holding up and I'm not giving in to my libido. Maybe I will never be able to suppress it, but as long as I can control it and ensure I don't do anything that undermines my sense of self, I don't have to kill it off. Actions, not thoughts, are what matters. And fantasising about my colleague doing me on top of the photocopier is fine - as long as it doesn't actually happen! But I am pretty confident it won't, as I won't allow myself to.
I'm jaded by my London dating experiences to date. I feel like throwing in the towel and hanging up my matching underwear (secret confidence booster). And what guy wants to wade through mistrust, wariness, and lack of faith in men to get to the grand prize? Dating me is hardly the Holy Grail. If I don't want to get involved with someone who is angry with women in general because he has been hurt before, surely there is no guy who wants to push through the defensive mechanisms I have in place in order to date me?
As I've said before, the lack of connection before a date means it is so much easier to just walk away if the date isn't bang on target. Yesterday before I saw him, I was considering changing the name of my blog to back in the saddle again (or something similarly catchy/cheesy). Now I am going back to celibacy. The next guy I date will be someone special, who truly cares about me. Not just someone online who thinks 'hey pretty face and interesting profile'. If I refuse to be boxed and categorised by equal opportunity forms for HR and sales companies, I sure as hell cannot sum myself up in 160 characters online. Impossible. And it obviously won't describe their complexity and individuality. The first few dates are when you should be on your best behaviour. Things usually go downhill the more time progresses; it shouldn't be crap at the start.
The annoying thing is, I was starting to get my writing published. Detailing my thoughts on romance and dating in the modern world. This post and mindframe isn't exactly inspirational for women waiting to hear about how to capture Mr Rgiht, but maybe it will appeal to a more modern-minded individual who appreciates honesty and can relate to the truth rather than a rosy, sugar-coated Disney version of romance. So, I'll continue to keep writing and hopefully keep getting published. If not, that's that. But I have to be honest and true to myself. And I don't believe in making the same mistakes repeatedly. The 6 months of introspection during celibacy afforded me that. And life truly is much easier without man dramas in it. To this end, I'm cancelling my subscriptions to match.com and uniformdating.com. I may complete the profile sent to me by matchaffinity.com purely out of interest, as it asks (A LOT!) of questions which make you think about yourself. But I'm (at least for now) done with online dating. I may try it again in the future. But then again, in the future I may actually want a full-blown relationship. But to take the edge off, I will stop by Ann Summers next payday and treat myself to a brand-spanking-new Rabbit. Well, I don't believe in denying myself ALL pleasure. Just much easier to achieve it by myself.
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