Time, patience and an absence of stress is the best way to date

...and I'm back on the will he call won't he call game.  He's replied, I've replied to see if he does want to see me again. If its a no, fine. But I'm not umming and awing around. If he doesn't want to, next! But I'm curious to see if guys say things on dates and don't stick to it, or why they do that. I'll be surprised if I get a reply, but let's see. Part of me thinks I'm jinxing it but align about it. But safety dictated you tell someone where you're going. And I'm not doing the superstitious thing. If something is meant to happen, it will, but I'm not getting hung up on it. Maybe that's because I no longer rush into romance, or maybe because I'm not sure whether I really like him. He was cute, intelligent, and we had quite a bit in common, but if I'm not sure maybe he isn't too. The truth is it takes a long time to get to know someone, and if I'm happy to take new friendships slowly and see how they pan out, I'm taking the same approach with dating. I'd like to multi-date, American style, and see which (if any ) go anywhere, but I truly am much happier being single than being with the wrong guy. I think being older helps with this, as does feeling stronger and more confident, and the self-awareness that came from self-imposed celibacy.  But admittedly, once you start to like a guy, if he doesn't call it sucks. So I'll wait and see what materialises. Whatever, I had a pleasant evening. Which is a pretty good start considering some of the others!  Or maybe it all comes down to having low expectations when you meet someone? After all if they are too high, you can only be disappointed. But that doesn't mean my standards are low. And I respect myself too much to get messed around. So I'll go with, if he doesn't call, he's just not that in to me. But then, of he does call, that might go crappily too.... Time and patience (and lots of options!) are the best way to get involved. No dramas, just fun and flirtation. 

Trying again...

Giving it another go... I'm extremely dubious about this one. After the last few I can't help wondering what's wrong with him. Or possibly worse, if I like him but he doesn't like me.  I'm so unfussed about tonight, I haven't even bothered shaving. Perhaps a summer dress with nude legs would have been better, but I just couldn't drag myself out of bed early this morning to make an effort for god knows what will turn up. My girls have been telling me I'll meet the right guy soon, and my gays have told me how fabulous I look, but I'm not convinced. Oh well. This is me. Take me as I am or not at all - but just don't play games. Or be a dick. But that might be too much to ask... It just all feels a bit contrived doing it like this. I need to line up more dates. That takes the pressure off them.  So, here we go... 

In vino veritas: the illumination of sobriety

Tonight has been a rather illuminating night. Being out and staying sober, when others are drinking, is usually an interesting experience. To a certain extent it is alright, then people get a bit too drunk and it starts going downhill.  Tonight I learned:  a) The new member of staff is a lesbian and has taken a serious liking to me.  b) One of my colleagues sees me like a little sister; very sweet, nice, young and with a good open heart. We had a lovely chat, and she told me she's involved with a colleague.  c) A colleague who is 10 years older than me really likes me. He treats me in a little sister/flirtation way. Him hugging me all evening, and kissing the top of my head (he's a foot taller than me) not to mention grabbing my arse a few times confirms this.  d) The guy I have been into for the last 5 weeks is not into me. This was evidenced by him barely talking to me and our colleague sitting on his lap all evening. While he had his hand on her arse. So that's never going to happen with him. At least I know, so I won't spend any more time wanting him. I just feel like a bit of a fool, especially having told a couple of the girls. But I'll laugh it off when I get back to the office on Monday.  To conclude, I've realised I'm not really up for going out with work people much at the moment. I'm seen as sweet, not a stunner, and not very sexual - so much for trying to be classy, seductive and attractive without trying too hard. Maybe I have to accept that guys see me as cute, and so I'm not actually very high in the league table. Oh well. I suppose it's better to be nice than a femme fatale, especially in the workplace.  A productive and informative evening all round. 

Big boobs doesn't mean a faster shag

According to the media, Cheryl Cole has a bad love life and can't find a decent man. It took Jennifer Anniston 5 years after her divorce to find a trust-worthy, commitment-minded male. If these goddesses have trouble, what chance do the rest of us have?  I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world - far from it. But I don't look like the elephant man either. So I can't help but wonder today, what's wrong with me?  Before you wonder if this is going to be a wallowing, self-indulgent moan, let me clarify - its not. This is a genuine question prompted by a certain male. Actually by several of them, and the last in a line has made me throw my hands up today and wonder, what's going on?  The truth is, I'm not wholly sure I understand men. I used to. Back when I was younger, and they were too. Now, I'm dating adults - at least in age. But I'm not wholly convinced they ever truly grow up? They are so much harder to figure out.  The 'man' in question who prompted this bout of introspection seemed to be a decent gentleman with good manners and intelligent brain. He was good fun and we had a really good conversation. He text me that evening to say thanks and plan our next date. And then the subject turned to my boobs, and sex (at his instigation). Him inviting me over to his to hang out was politely declined by yours truly. I'm too old to fall for that line.  Not really impressed, but it did raise an interesting question: Do men seriously think that if they buy you dinner you will fall into bed with them? To a certain extent it could be argued that that is a form of prostitution, and that's just not me. Hence my preference forgoing Dutch on a date. Once we're involved, if he wants to pay for me I'm fine with that - but not all the time. And it's not exactly attractive to guys if the girl expects him to pay all the time (I've been well-informed that this is a reason why the guy won't see you again; joy of male mates).  But seriously, why do guys think big boobs equals easy lay?! 

A certain attraction

A poster for true blood season 4 has me wondering about vampires today. What is it about them? The genre is very popular at the moment, possibly at an all-time high. Twilight, true blood, the vampire diaries... All feature sexy casts and gripping plot lines, but is that the key to it? I'm inclined to think that it's probably due to the forbidden love aspect.  Which brings me on to my next thought. Can forbidden love ever be real love? Why should something so wonderful and blessed be denied? Granted the idea of necrophilia isn't something I'm inclined to go for, but if they are essentially alive (albeit in a dead way) then is that something which should be denied? Part of me wonders if vampires really do exist. The legends about them have existed for centuries, and something that survived so long must have a reason for its longevity.  An example I can think of is falling for a married person. I'm not seeking to excuse any behaviours or justify them, but having been unfaithful myself (not something I'm proud of) I know from personal experience that to fall for someone else means there is something not right about your relationship. Which brings me back to the idea of eternal monogamy. Who knows if it really works. But if a vampire, a creature who lives by others' deaths, can fall so spectacularly for a mortal and commit to them for eternity - eternity in the true sense, not a human lifetime - then surely that shows we can, too? Before going any further down a path that may lead my readers to question my sanity, I am fully aware that they are fictional characters. But despite being depicted by so many authors and producers, with variant agendas and ideas of what sells, they do have common characteristics - ability to turn off humanity, ability to entice humans to do their bidding, ability to fall in love and remain monogamous, passionately and brutally so. So where do these shared characteristics come from? It is said that when writing, authors rely on some of their own experience. Have all of them awoken in the night to a deathly pale beauty having flown in their window? Nowadays that would be punishable by a custodial sentence. But why have the stories endured? There are only so many times you can hear a story, tell a story, before it becomes stale. What is it about this world that readers and viewers cannot get enough of the vampire genre?  Their old world manners is something that does appeal to me. The SATC episode in which petrovsky writes a song on the piano in front of a roaring fire, before surprising her with a beautiful dress and a trip to the opera, dancing with her in the square to a busker, is one I would love to emulate. But without telling him obviously. I think true romance may have gone out the window in modern-day western society. For a girl raised on ballet and art, this is a tragedy. But then, there's nothing worse than fiction in a relationship. And I want REAL in my next one. Just maybe some escapism and fun.

Why I'm glad to be female

An excellent article in the Independent on Sunday  http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/politics/revealed-the-best-and-worst-places-to-be-a-woman-7534794.html  gave me food for thought. Rather ironic as I was reading it over a delicious brunch. the article was about the lot of women across the world.  This tied in neatly to what I have been thinking lately about online dating and the wealth of opportunities it affords you.  Whilst Britain is nowhere near perfect, compared to many countries (Afghanistan springs to mind) we are fortunate to have choices about our lives. That's not to say the demands and pressures on women are easy, but we are lucky when contrasted with our sisters internationally.  We can go to secondary school, let alone university.   I choose to celebrate the concept of feminism, because what it means to me is freedom. There are many stereotypes of feminists, and many debates about what a 'true' feminist should believe and do, but the fact that this debate occurs tells me we are doing something right in Britain. In my previous article I explored men vs women, and highlighted the problems women face, http://www.lovesceneonline.com/featured/mars-venus-and-a-planet-in-between/ but I am now celebrating femininity. I certainly relish the opportunity to wear what I please, whether it be skirt, dress, trousers, shorts (weather permitting of course). Men don't have such a vast array of clothing to express themselves. Then there's cosmetics. Love them or loathe them, they are a fantastic tool for expressing who you are and how you feel in that moment.  Hair is a world of choice too. Short, midi, long, coloured, bleached, natural... One look around the tube on the morning commute reveals a dazzling array of options.  Even our genitalia is prettier than men's. So many women find breasts to be more aesthetically attractive than penises, as demonstrated by 'celebrity body' and sex surveys in magazines.  And (unfortunately as a reflection of society) they do come in useful on occasion. As a short girl I often have to wait ages to get to the bar. But my boobs help me get there and served faster. Maybe that's antithetical to feminism, but I believe in working with what I've got and doing the best I can in life. Besides, I should get something for carrying them all day, and suffering the swelling and back pain once a month. On occasion I like to be treated like a lady. A little chivalry and gentlemanly behaviour combined with some old-school glamour is an enjoyable experience. Admittedly this is somewhat rare of late, but I haven't given up hope.  And, if another reason why it's great to be female were needed, how about multiple orgasms?    We also now have laws that protect working mothers. The decision to work or not once becoming a parent is a personal one, often massively influenced by finances. But the option is available - we are not legally prevented from employment in the manner that women in Saudi Arabia are. In Britain we can drive - and don't face jail for doing so. Insurance is also cheaper for female drivers.  One wonderful thing about women is our strength, ability to keep going despite the odds, and close open friendships we enjoy with our girlfriends. Talking to male friends (of all sexual orientations) they express wonder at the depth of emotion we share and the detail of things we can go into with those we trust. We also have extremely complex brains and a wonderful ability to empathise and analyse.  That's not to say men are stupid, but so many times I have heard 'I didn't think of that', 'I didn't know you felt like that', and 'I don't understand what she wants'. In addition to this, most women I know will try to change bad things and improve them, not just let them fester. A pretty impressive skill set.  Yes sexism and harassment still occurs, but being a woman is pretty cool. Women can be Their own worst enemies, so let's take a moment to celebrate all that is awesome about women. I love being a woman.  And I wouldn't change it for a moment - even when PMT reigns supreme.  The perfect excuse for polishing off a tub of Ben and Jerry's in one setting. 

Choices

Scientific evidence indicates a break from a weight-loss diet is good. Once your weight plateaus before you reach your goal weight, dieters can get frustrated, irritated and demotivated by their seeming inability to lose that last bit. Yet research shows that your body actually gets used to the reduced calories and increased exercise and adapts. After all, weight loss essentially goes against nature's method of protecting you.  That's not to suggest being overweight is a good thing if it damages your health, but highlighting the fact that the human body is equipped for survival.  Hence the theory that if you find yourself stuck, take a break from your routine and then go back to it, and you may get the results you desire.  This applies to me with celibacy. I was getting extremely sexually frustrated and irritable, and my hormones were going wild. So I broke my celibacy. My decision, and not one I regret.  But having had a little break I've gone back to it again. And I really don't regret it. I feel calmer and more like myself again. I was starting to get a little confused. Online dating is great, like pick'n'mix, but sometimes there is just too much choice. And it's hard to know which one will give you a foodgasm and which one will give you raging diahoerra.  But you don't know until you sample them. The major thing for me was, the guys I was meeting just weren't good enough for me. Some were sweet, some wanted sex, others had issues. No major dramas, no heartbreak (admittedly a little disappointment it didn't go anywhere with Popeye but he is not in the right place, nor in a place where I want my man to be).  But lessons learned from celibacy have stuck with me, which proves people can change - if you truly wish to. My romantic behaviours are certainly better now.  Not perfect, and lust still makes me a tad bonkers, but the most recent one where I played it cool and aloof served to only make him want me more. I made it clear he wasn't getting any from me (we didn't even kiss) and I didn't hear from him again. Even though I fancied him. But I wasn't willing to let that part of my body overrule my head. It takes time to get to know someone. You can't rush love - and as I've said before, the faster you get pelvic and the more passionate it is, the faster it ends and you are left with burn scars.  Everyone is looking for a connection. Everyone wants to feel loved by someone. But why does that have to be a romantic partner? Are we seeking validation and acceptance from someone who will worship all that we are and all our flaws?  At the end of the day, I'm open to love, but if a guy wants me he bloody well has to earn it. I'm not a whore and not a madonna, and I'm looking for the real thing. And I'm more than happy single. Definitely much happier single than with the wrong guy.  At the end of the day it comes down to choice. I am free to choose my relationships. So many women are not fortunate to have what is a fundamental right, but in reality is often a luxury. I have that, and I exercise it to the full. The right to choose is so often referred to as regarding abortion, but it is so much more than that. It is about being free to choose your life. And I choose to be loved and love my friends and family, and respect myself by not settling. Plus I have a great gay friend who gives me a lot of perks of a boyfriend but none of the dramas.  I used to derive a lot of my self-esteem from guys. Not so anymore. A lesson I learned during my previous period of celibacy has stuck with me - that I am worth a whole lot more. Sure I have my up days and down days (who doesn't?) but dating these guys, I saw myself in their eyes - something so much more. And I do deserve the best - every woman does. And so having done as I wished, ended my celibacy on my terms, I CHOOSE to do it again.