Confidence

A conversation with my friend tonight has certainly given me food for thought.  His remarks that I'd eat the guy I like at work for breakfast may be true, but I do like him more than I've let on. This is both for the sake of self-preservation at work, and also to remind myself he doesn't feel that way about me. I don't want to waste time on someone/something which will go nowhere.  I think this is the crux of the matter. Why I find it so easy to delete guys based on their photos, or to not give a crap if they don't call. I'm done waiting around for boys to play their silly little games.  I know what I want and I won't settle for anything less. I'd rather be single than with the wrong guy. I spent the last year of a 3.5 year relationship unhappy. I'm not willing to waste my life like that again.   It's not about settling down, or my body clock. I still have many things I want to accomplish before I become a mother. Which I would like to do. But this is about me, now.  To be somewhat crude, I would like to get laid soon. But as I don't want a tawdry or empty hook-up, I want to meet someone and get close and then have sex. But with intimacy. My friend asked me what I'm really looking for as I don't seem to truly want a relationship. I don't. I want a fuck buddy with intimacy. Surely that's a relationship, B countered. Perhaps. But I don't want the drama or hardship of a relationship. I want to date, have fun and see what develops. I am looking for love, that all-encompassing passionate fire, but only with someone who will give me that back. Someone worthy of me.  So perhaps I may not want to be in a relationship right now, but much better that than so desperate for one I end up with the wrong person or worse, a nasty person.  I want what I want. I know it's out there. It's just a case of finding it. And having found myself again, I have no intention of letting me go.