Hibernation

The strangest thing has happened.  My libido has gone into hibernation.  For the last 6 days I have had absolutely no urges whatsoever.  Seen a few (reasonably) attractive men whilst wandering round town, noted their aesthetic beauty, and forgotten about it.  Guy at work? Meh.  Yeah he had nice eyes, but I realised he was just the best of a bad lot.  The more I got to know him, the more I realised he wasn't good enough for me; still stuck in te uni lifestyle when he needed to grow up a bit.  And it's dawning on me that I have no desire for a relationship right now. 

The biggest realisation is that for me, the only person out there is me.  I've never subscribed to the idea of Mr Right, only Mr Right Now.  But of course as I change and what I want changes, Mr Right Now becomes MR Wrong.  As shallow as that might sound in black and white, let me add in a few shades of grey. 

Firstly, I love passionately and deeply.  They become 'the one' when I am with them.  I do whatever is necessary to make them happy, sometimes to the detriment of my career and my friendships.  I envisage a whole life with them; commitment and a family. 
I am usually devastated when it ends.  Granted it is usually me that ends it, but it takes a lot to make me walk away, and so the heartbreaking decision that I can't keep going usually tears me up for a while. 

Secondly, people change over time.  Both I and my boyfriends changed.  When you consider your twenties, and how you have changed over the past 2 years, it is inevitable that you are not the same person at the end of the relationship than at the beginning.

Thirdly, your shared experiences, triumphs and mutual disappointments shape you both and leave you altered.  Sometimes things happen that you just cannot move past, or you feel so let down or betrayed that there is no recovery. 

Therefore to me, it seems sloppy to plan your entire existence around another person.  Sure, fall in love and make plans, but always have a backup for if it ends and you find yourself alone.  And for god's sake do not depend on him for money, as so many do, because if he leaves you will have nothing and be saddled with the kids. 
As for me, I'm happy enjoying my freedom and the fact that my life is my own again.  Not to mention being able to do what I want.  I've definitely come around to the benefits of singledom, and I have to say I'm loving it.  So maybe that Mr Right Now of the future will be waiting a bit longer.  WHo knows, maybe he's not even out there at all, and the first thing I buy after this year is over is a Rampant Rabbit.

But having already stuck to this for the better part of 2 months, I'd say there is a high likelihood of me making it a year.  The scary thing is, writing that I got a suddent twinge of panic - "Oh no, I only have ten months of freedom left!" I guess that response shows what I am doing is the right thing for me.  Happy days.