Temptations

Phoenix met a man. Had an amazing conversation and bonded with him over an excessively convoluted journey home, and he protected me from a drunk who was kicking off to the police. Then he kissed me.  It was amazing. Then.... He told me he is married. Which officially makes me an evil bitch. I know I wasn't the one in the wrong, but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Much discussion followed for the next week, and we agreed to keep it platonic. While he was holding my hand.... Ho hum. 
I am picky. I want a love that will bring me scorching passion, excitement and friendship. I am not looking for a man to complete me, nor do I desire marriage. Been there, done that, got bored, cheated. 
Is it so hard to meet a man with a full head of hair, no kids, no ex-wife,  with ambition drive and passion, who will set the bed on fire (metaphorically speaking?) 
With this in mind, and the fact that the first batch of guys from online dating turned out to be let downs, I am adjusting my approach. No texting, no phone calls, no emails. Minimal alcohol. Don't turn up in work clothes. No heavy topics for discussion (religion and politics featuring heavily). Don't stay out late - leave them wanting more. And no more kissing on the first date! But it has reminded me that there are some good kissers out there. 
Bit of chat on the website, and then maybe meet up. Far more detached and easy. Like if it were a real date as opposed to catalogue shopping. I have another 4 to meet up with, and then if they don't work out, next! 
All on my terms. But I do miss having multiple guys to text in the mornings, it made the journey much more interesting. 
Mcsteamy trainrider's concerns that I should be careful not to get hurt,as much as they were born of genuineness, pissed me off royally. How dare he warn me in a 'I care about you but we can't' way?! He can't have me, so does that mean another can't? I don't bloody think so! But the really annoying thing was it made me like him even more. Dammit. 
I think his commute and his wife's lack of friends will kill their marriage. I think it won't be long before he has a full-blown affair. Maybe the guilt will destroy him. Whatever. It won't be with me. I deserve more respect than that. 
Or maybe we truly were two souls destined to know one another. I certainly enjoyed what passed between us. And being a femme fatale was fun, but not a role I want to take on full-time. But rather than a 'fated to be together pair of star-crossed lovers', perhaps we were just fated to be what we were, strangers who met, read one another, share advice on love and move on. But he was such an amazing kisser... Stop it phoenix. The guilt would kill you too.  My friend's theory that the attraction comes from the unobtainability may be partially correct, but it did feel like more than that. Anyway I'm not willing to rush into anything again, hence the online dating. 
I just wish we weren't on the same route to work. I don't want to be looking out for him. I know I'll never see him again. And that's my decision. I told him to avoid me, and deleted his number. But the girl in me can't help but feel something more passed between us. 
That said, I'm not sure he is such a great guy. Granted, the guilt he felt made him seem more attractive as it showed he's not completely heartless, but from his stories he sounds perma knackered and a crap husband. Mind you his wife sounds like a pill. Lesson learned about marrying too young. 
And I'm sure as shit not going to wait for them to split and him to come back into my arms. I'm not that girl to sit around and wait for a man. So dating a soldier might not be the best idea... 
I just want to date, have a laugh and see what develops. I have no desire to be wondering if he's thinking about me, will he call, is he into me? So in some ways I'd rather get the first kiss out the way, so I don't waste time on a guy if there's no spark and no prospect of development. 
Perhaps I sound a little selfish. But it's not about them being interchangeable, it's about me not settling, and not getting caught up in a guy who is neither right for me nor good enough for me. I'm not chasing love, but if it happens so be it. This may be quite a male attitude, but it works for me. 
My new years resolution still stands.