So day one of the online dating experiment was an interesting one. Having resolved again that I will not date colleagues, and being conscious that when you randomly meet a guy you have no clue as to their intentions, I thought what the heck. At least all the people on there are looking for the same thing - or they wouldn't have paid to join. Speaking of which..... having paid for a 3 month membership after a few glasses of wine, it seemed logical to actually use what I had paid for.
48 hours ago you would have found me poo-pooing the idea of online dating. I saw it as for losers, pervs, ugly beasts and those looking for a virtual affair as a form of escapism.
Very judgemental of me. I'd heard from several people that it was good but I was still suspicious of why a good looking attractive man would go on there instead of meeting a woman in the real world.
Having now been commuting to London for work, I totally get it. This city, much as I love it, is cold and lonely. Its hard to make a connection.
I don't date friends of friends, I won't meet a guy in a bar and I no longer date colleagues - this summer notwithstanding, it's been over 4.5 years since my last colleague. (makes me sound like a recovering addict!) I have no interest in getting hit on on the commute, and show me a relationship that started on the tube that lasted (dating website set at the station not being a realistic portrayal of the commuters life). So that reduces the options somewhat.
I was really skeptical about doing it, but I took a new photo and put it up. I also put, in the interests of honesty, 'love rugby hate football'. A few hours later I had a few messages. And lots of flirts. Flirts are nice, but I want to engage with someone who can communicate and has a brain. If you don't have the balls to message me properly, how will you ever ask me out? I'm still averse to it as a concept because of it seeming like catalogue shopping, but once you get talking it's ok. And if you don't like them you can end the conversation. Far easier than getting involved with someone you know, starting something and realising you don't want it, before you go too far down that road and can't come back from there.
But I was surprised to get any messages given the British male penchant for football.
I asked my friend about the etiquette of online dating (he's a big fan). He said you can arrange to meet, and if you don't want to see them again you can politely email them. Much easier than face to face. I was advised to meet as soon as possible, but having exchanged a few messages I'm enjoying that you can have a bit of a conversation without the pressure.
And the great thing is you can ignore the weirdos. But it would be nice to see them with their friends to make a personality assessment.
Of 23 guys who messaged me, I maintained conversation with 9. Not a bad return. The guys who wrote 'you're so beautiful' didn't get responses. The ancient perv with communication issues got blocked. I am not your baby, and no I don't want to make you happy. Go back to your mother.
I'm not naive enough to think guys speak to you and only you. If I'm chatting to 9, they're probably having multiple conversations. And I'm cool with that.
I'm also extremely conscious of safety and so won't give out my number, and I'll not meet anyone anywhere dodgy (if I get asked). I'm also preferential to those in uniform, as they tend to be the ones with most to lose if they fuck around. Plus my brother is in the Met so I can get him to find out if the guy is a douche. It's a self-protection thing. Also they tend to have a certain mentality of public duty which I like. I'm all about public service. And I get why cops have to date online, as their shift patterns suck! But at least the hours they work mean you'd still get your own time.
I'm fully aware that they may not be what they depict themselves as. So I'm waving my hackles. The ones who are open and frank, can respond articulately and politely, are the ones I'll continue talking to. And good grammar is a deal breaker for me!
It's interesting being notified when someone views your profile, especially when they've seen you a few times. It's made me realise how much some guys are on there. But I suppose it's comparable to some people's use of Facebook. Although with online dating you get a faster response.
I could write a soliloquy about the tragedy of modern day communication and socialising but I'll just say that modern technology helps you keep up to date with friends who are far away. But the Internet is no replacement for face to face socialising.
For the sake of my phone bill I'm trying not to go on there during the commute, and 4 hours a day seems a bit excessive. So I'll make myself wait til I get in tonight and see what else has come up. I have a few messages to reply to already and I'll do that later. Plus on an iPhone it's not as easy! But say one thing for it - writing this has kept me occupied almost a my commute this morning. Not bad.
The reality is, I can't just lock myself in a tower and eschew contact with the other sex. I don't truly believe that a prince will ride along, slay the dragon and save me. Disney's coveted concept of a perfect love which saves you from yourself is what got me into this mess originally. As much as my cynical side knows the reality of the world, I do believe that i fell in love with my ex as a release from previous dating siasters and to make cold nights a little warmer. So I hit the pause button, took almost 6 months out from men and feel a hell of a lot stronger in myself and better for it. I'm happy single and just enjoying talking to people and seeing what develops - no pressure, no dramas. I think the next person I sleep with will be a slow build up, developing naturally and no rush to the finish line. But the point of the celibacy was to change my behaviours and not have sex, and I've stuck to that. So maybe a little conversation is ok.
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