Introspection

So, its been a few days since I've posted, due to lack of internet access and extremely stressful weekend.  I carried on writing but couldn't put it up on here.  I'll post it soon.

In the spirit of honesty and disclosure which this blog is (supposed to) enable, I have a confession to make - the vegetarian ate beef.  Or rather, I caved and had a play.  I was going absolutely stir-crazy (as is slightly obvious re-reading my post from Sunday), and I needed the release.  It served a purpose.  But the saddest thing was that while I played, I found myself fantasising about my ex.  And when I came, I felt empty.  It's a sad day when someone as passionate, as loving, as sexual as me cannot enjoy an orgasm.  Especially since it had been so bloody long since I had had one! But the truth is, I miss him.  Not enough to try again, or even contact him (although thank God I had deleted his number because the mood I was in, I was sorely tempted).  But how crap is it to describe a long-overdue orgasm as 'serving a purpose'?!

The thing that scares me is that I got involved with him when I was really not looking to get involved.  In fact, at that time I had massive, justifiable trust issues with men.  So given my utter refusal to get involved with anyone for another 50 weeks (give or take one or two), I am petrified that I am now more attractive as Sod's Law would have it.  Who knows, I probably look like crap, and not having any male appreciation doesn't help with feeling like a fatty at the moment, but I digress.  The point is I am not open to it, but that's when I met the last one who I absolutely fell for.  We may not have been together long, but he did so much to restore my faith in humanity, as well as the intense spiritual, physical, personal and chemical connection we shared, that I do miss him on occasion.  But the git invading my orgasm just showed me how necessary this sexual anorexia is.

This post wasn't supposed to be about him.  I just want to forget him.  Not in a nasty way, but to move on.  I don't think of him anywhere near as much as I used to, but I still miss his presence. Had I not played, he wouldn't have invaded.  But I guess its not his fault.  And at the very least, I am starting to notice changes in my approaches to things, and I am able to step back from myself and notice patterns of behaviour, and catching myself before I mindlessly repeat these mistakes.  So perhaps these 3-ish weeks have taught me something so far.

I used to pride myself on having a similar sex life to Samantha in Sex and the City.  Nowhere near as many, not as casual (no one-night-stands for me), but I saw myself as liberated and getting what I wanted when I wanted it.  The fuck buddies were trustworthy, and good blokes, and I always enjoyed myself with them.  I don't speak to them anymore, not for any negative reason but because why would we stay in touch? That period of our time together is over, and that's fine.  But I think the biggest issue is that now sex, for me, needs to be accompanied by genuine and intense emotion and connection.  So when I do come out of sexual hibernation, I will probably be freaking scared of going there with a new guy and getting hurt.  Standard I know, but this puts more pressure on them to be what I need.  As I hate Disney's Prince Charming theory instilled in pretty much every little girl for the last 30 years,  given that it pressures and burdens them, I gotta find a way round this.   The purpose of this is to grow, rebuild, and become independent (but not isolate myself and push others away).  So hopefully by the time this hypothetical scenario becomes a possibility, I will be in a strong place - and also not rush into a new relationship,thereby negating the trust issue.  Or maybe not.  Who knows, it's so flipping far away.  But I do know that if I can learn so much in 3 weeks, I am likely to learn a hell of a lot more in the next 50.

But the thing bothering me as I write this is - will the sex be worth the emotional investment? The best sex I have ever had is with the someones I really felt for (3 in ten years = not so bad), but in my experience there is a window of time in which you either get it on or not - and if you don't by then, you end up as friends, albeit with unresolved sexual tension and its subsequent problems.  But I'm worried that I'll meet someone, hold off having sex with them until I love them, but then the sex is crap and I'm stuck loving someone I don't want physically.  That may sound okay to some, but I cannot settle for that.  I get that sex in relationships peaks and troughs, but as a passionate fiery person I need to physically express my feelings for the person I love.  Not to mention sex unites a couple.  And also once you decide to wait it puts pressure on the first time when it does happen.  It's different waiting as a teenager, there is an acceptance that you might not be ready, but as adults there seems to be a rush into the bedroom - and waiting is seen by many guys as being a prick-tease.  And if it starts to get physically intense between you but you want to wait, how do you know a fully grown adult man will be able to control himself and not accidentally go too far?