I saw my ex ex today. I picked up some post from his, as we had arranged. It was wonderful to see him, but also really tough. We both cried. When I saw him, I realised how much I still love him. I don't want to get back with him as I don't love him in that way anymore, but I do love him and always will. He is the most wonderful man I have ever been privileged to know. It's a bloody shame it didn't work out, but there is no bad feeling there, only sadness of causing him pain. Otherwise, I truly wish him all the best things and happiness for his days and nights.
When he hugged me I felt an incredible sense of peace and love toward him. I think he did too, as he held me so tight and for so long. He initiated it, as I'm conscious of giving him the space he requested. But it was wonderful.
We haven't done the trading of the stuff and hopefully we won't for a while yet. I hope we can be friends again and hang out, as he is the most giving loyal and kind friend I have ever had. I'll give him the time he needs. Like I told him, if he ever needs to talk I'll always be there. And I'm forever grateful for everything he has done for me.
This post isn't about going into detail about why we split. This is just about a wonderful man who is the love of my life. He is a testament to the fact that good men do exist. They are just ridiculously hard to find.
But my ex ex is irreplaceable. And for where I'm at right now, and the next 46 weeks, that is absolutely fine.
So I stumbled upon your blog a little while ago and have finally plucked up the courage to try and share a few of my own thoughts...
ReplyDeleteOne way or another, I feel like we share quite a few experiences you have mentioned..whether this is down to your skills in creating a blog the reader identifies with easily or that women all over the world are going through the same experiences with far greater frequency than had ever occurred to an individual reader; it is difficult to tell. Maybe a little of both.
I too abandoned a relationship which had the makings of becoming permanent. At the time I felt all manner of emotions and reacted like a rabbit caught in rapid fire.. with no rhyme or reason to my actions or reactions. I know I hurt him. I am ashamed of the way I did this. at the time I was unable to process properly what was happening, and so there was only one thing for it. I ran. I don't know if you've ever been in a situation when the other person is leaving you emotionally and physically with gathering momentum leaving you helpless and hopeless knowing only the more you try to hold on the more they will seek to break free of your grip. I have. You feel the most unimaginable pain. and for causing this along my journey I am sorry. I can only try to "do better next time". Try my hardest to be more compassionate, more forgiving, more loving and more simplistic in the way I deal with these situations.
If this has happened more than once, you may be able to pinpoint the exact moment at which they begin to tear themselves away... seeing it doesn't make you feel it any less keenly but you can try not to fall into the trap of clutching desperately in hope to salvage something..but is it really possible to salvage something from this situation? a more recent split which ended because the parties concerned were from opposite ends of the planet. And like being forged in the heat of an intoxicating and heady fusion where two worlds collided..every collision results in the two bodies being ripped apart by kinetic energy..but both leaving a little bit changed ..a little bit altered.. has caused me to wonder...is it actually possible to coax someone back into your arms? I'd love it if someone out there could let me know their thoughts.. am I kidding myself or could there be even the faintest glimmer of hope?
But to the author of this blog - "thank you" reading your post finally gave me a sort of sense of peace, to the demise of the long relationship at least. You have enabled me to see things more clearly and with more order.. I can finally celebrate what was so good about our two years together whilst keeping it firmly seated in a healthy overall perspective of why it didn't work out. and I'm comforted to know that if I miss this wonderful guy whom it didn't work out with, that's ok too, because, as you say: good men do exist, they are just ridiculously hard to find.