Boredom

Part of me wonders if I have the right to make such observations. I'm not a trained psychotherapist, nor a renowned sociologist.  I'm just me.  But then I'm just writing what I see. This was never intended to be a judgement of others or a set of instructions on how to live. It is purely a documentation of my journey as I undertake this year of celibacy and introspection. 
Maybe I just feel as though I don't have anything interesting to say because I feel life is a bit boring at the moment.  It's not; it just has no men in it, in neither a starring, nor a supporting, nor even a minor role.  I'm Soooooo not used to that.  

I guess part of me thought that once I went off the market I'd become more attractive.  This is the part of me that was needing to be decreased as it was a bit too dominant for my liking.  Hence this vow of celibacy.  Initially, I sort of envisaged this blog being full of juicy stories about my attractions and temptations, and how close I came to breaking my vow because I met a wonderful man / men with whom I was developing intense connections. Or even purely physical desires.  Stories similar to my experiences at uni, but a bit more mature. Not quite as minxy. 
But that's not been the case. Since I undertook this, I have had only one evening of flirting and a mediocre attraction to a mediocre man. The last time I was technically single I had a lot of fun. This time round, tis rather dull. For someone who has had a lot of fun in the past, nothingness is bloody boring.  Maybe I'm too old now. 

Robbia Williams sang 'all the best women are married, all the handsome men are gay'.  Perhaps it's the other way round now and all the best men are married. Or at the very least, taken.  So whatever's left over may well be the dregs of the barrel.  I think I'd prefer a bad apple to a dreg, they are usually much more exciting.  Not relationship material, but sometimes it can be fun to tame a wild stallion.  

Truthfully, it scares me that I could consider myself too old when I know I am not.  And I genuinely have no problem being single; it is an empowered lifestyle choice and I like having my freedom back.  Just goes to show how deeply ingrained certain ideas are into our psyche.  
I was asked recently if I think I have missed the boat when it comes to love and I will have no more chances.  I genuinely don't - especially as I know no one man will be enough for me.  But it would be nice to have just a frisson of excitement. I suppose I have to accept that as much as I am enjoying this experiment, my libido will have peaks and troughs and I will want a man sometimes.  But as I said before, I have no fuck buddies here. So a cup of tea it is instead.