So it's a Friday night. I'm sitting in the house, wrapped up warm, watching my favourite TV shows and chatting with my friend (who for obvious reasons shall remain nameless). Anyway, we were having a natter as you do, when up came the topic of my ex. Having deleted both his phone number and his facebook friendship (nothing's official until its on facebook), and given the fact that I want nothing to do with him, this topic of conversation was fine. We had a little look at his facebook page. And it turned out to be the best thing I have done in a while, as my reaction confirmed to me that not only do I not want anything to do with him, but also there is nothing likeable about the guy (for me at least).
Yes I realise looking at someone's facebook is slightly sad when you don't want anything to do with them. But I haven't been fb stalking him, it's been months since we spoke and as I had the opportunity to have a nosey, I did. Who can honestly say they've never taken the opportunity to find out what an ex is up to, either through talking to their friends or speaking to their mother? I've never gone that far. And after what I saw, I DEFINITELY have no desire to look at it - or him - again.
So not only is his picture completely pretentious and 'luvvie', which is a turn-off in itself, but he is now friends with and sycophantically kissing up to people he told me he hated. Not that I should be surprised; I witnessed him slagging off one of his supposed best friends to other friends for substantial periods of time. That was so much 'fun' to witness, nothing like feeling extremely uncomfortable and squirming. Guess he just wants to feel popular by having loads of friends on facebook, but it doesn't change the fact that he's two-faced.
But the worst thing is the videos he's added. Not only are they ridiculously boring and pretty pointless, not to mention extremely amateur, which makes me see just how boring and mundane his existence is, but seeing him and hearing his voice actually made me want to throw up. Not a good sign. But definitely what I would call extreme closure. Such a response shocked me, as I didn't concieve that I could feel like that about him.
What I've come to realise is how unattractive he is. Even the eyes which I spent hours gazing into, reading his soul - yeah whatever Phoenix - no longer hold any attraction for me. No wonder how happy he looked when he was walking around with me on his arm, I made him look so much better. He used to refer to people in terms of leagues, as in being out of his league, and perhaps he was right. Still, at least he seemed to adore me, although I wonder how true it ever was. He called me a goddess, and his divine voluptuous lady. Maybe him introducing me to his friends was to show he could pull a hot woman with amazing boobs. * Just to point out that's not how I see myself, but what he saw in me physically - allegedly. * But I feel like a fool. And it scares me that I could be so into someone, and then feel absolutely nothing physically for them a few months later.
This may sound like a bitter vitriolic fuck you, but it's genuinely not intended to be. It's an admission of my failings, and the fact that I was probably more in love with the idea of him, or who I thought he was, than the person he really is. Maybe the sex confused it. But I'm glad I no longer miss him, or have any desire for him.
The worst thing about it all is that I blew him. Yeah, whatever, you might be thinking. But for me, oral sex is an extremely intimate and loving act, and I don't do it to just anyone. The idea of having a cock in my mouth is actually not the most pleasant of thoughts when considered in an abstract or general sense, but when it belongs to the man I love and is a cock which arouses me and gives me great pleasure then I quite like it. As long as he is clean, not smelly, has no STDs and doesn't come in my mouth. So that's a few stipulations, but not too much to ask. It's what I do for them in regard to recieving oral, so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect good hygiene. He was good in this respect, but looking back I just don't feel anything for him.
So, like I say, I cannot believe I blew him.
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