Trust

My ex boyfriend just told me he cannot handle seeing me or meeting up for a coffee.  Fair enough, you might say.  Except we have been broke up for months and actually doing pretty well at staying in touch and hanging out.  Granted, I have had some messy personal stuff going on and so at times have been a little bit dependent on him, but it's been mutual and I have been supporting him through tough stuff too.  And I couldn't have got through any of it without him.  But it was never a case of  'treating my ex like my boyf' to get me through.  It was a continuation of him being my best friend.
We were together for a long time.  We had a lot of ups and downs, and problems, but throughout it all we retained our friendship.  And its not like the break up was a shocker - we had been more like friends than lovers for months.  One of you doing a masters and the other getting bullied at work in a horrific institution doesn't make for passion instead of pasta.  I didn't like who I became with him, I was boring and old.  Not to mention the town we lived in, ugh.  But we kept our friendship.
After I was sexually assaulted it was clear there was no way back for us.  I couldn't be with anyone for a while.  But he was incredible, always there for me, staying with me and letting me stay with him, and litres of coffee consumed over chats.  To a certain extent it sucks that we cannot reconcile, but looking back objectively we were never really likely to.  The person I am now would rather be alone than settle in a second-clas relationship. 
But I do feel hurt that he thinks it will be too hard to see me.  Whether because he still loves me or because he has met someone else, god knows.  But now he's essentially said goodbye, it's hurtful.  It's hurtful whenever a friend cuts you out.  Maybe it's permanent, maybe not.  But I do feel let down by him now.
So unfortunately today the theme is trust.  Or lack thereof.  I feel a bit dumb for trusting him to carry on being my friend when maybe he just isn't man enough, and I feel extremely distrustful of men anyway.  Given what has happened with the ex I have blogged about before (overgrown manchild), I am adamant that I want nothing to do with any men.
When you are attacked, you lose faith in humanity.  You become introverted and withdrawn, and don't care about others.  You become percieved as cold or a bitch, and maybe a bit crazy.  But fuck the outsiders.  It is the ones you trust, confide in, that matter.  So when you start to trust someone, start to believe they are a good person, you let your defences down a bit.  Maybe you even tell them what happened, and their response is just what you need.  You spend hours with them, getting to know them, believing them to be something.  Carefully, slowly, warily, you start to trust them.  Then, when you meet their family and friends, you see a different side to them.  Aspects of their personality which they didn't reveal before become blaringly obvious, and he keeps changing the goalposts, so fast you cannot keep up.  The things he proclaimed to love about you are suddenly wrong, and you find yourself wondering what the hell you ever saw in him.  So you walk away, saying you will remain friends, but you both know that is just a dignified way to walk away.  It also leaves the door open for ex sex, which is the best closure you can ever have because it reinforces the fact that things have changed between you.  When he rolls over and falls asleep after, you lie there awake happy and relieved you have done the right thing.
I guess the ex ex saying he can't handle seeing me is making me think about my ex because they are both men who I feel have let me down.  I never used to be a girly girl about trust; in fact I was usually the one who cheated.  There was no cheating involved with either of these guys, yet I do feel betrayed.  I suppose because I trusted them to be what they portrayed themselves to be, trusted them to be there for me, and I was wrong.

The worst thing is I no longer have any trust in myself  when it comes to men.  And people in general.  Just what I need when I am about to move to a new city, begin a new job and hopefully make new friends.  If I can ever trust them at all that is.  I know I have bad taste in men, so this celibacy is truly the best thing for me.  Also, I go for guys who are below me and are not good enough for me.  I cannot see myself ever getting married as I cannot comprehend falling and remaining head-over-heels enough to sustain a marriage through the tough times.  I am far too rational to believe one man encompasses it all.  But it would be nice, even only for 5 minutes, for the fairy tale to be true and find a man who is mature, an adult, amazing in bed, intelligent, compassionate, well-liked and decent.  Is that so much to ask?

The thing really pissing me off is, we split absolutely months ago, so why are you so bothered NOW?

I can't believe I blew him

So it's a Friday night.  I'm sitting in the house, wrapped up warm, watching my favourite TV shows and chatting with my friend (who for obvious reasons shall remain nameless).  Anyway, we were having a natter as you do, when up came the topic of my ex.  Having deleted both his phone number and his facebook friendship (nothing's official until its on facebook), and given the fact that I want nothing to do with him, this topic of conversation was fine.  We had a little look at his facebook page.  And it turned out to be the best thing I have done in a while, as my reaction confirmed to me that not only do I not want anything to do with him, but also there is nothing likeable about the guy (for me at least).

Yes I realise looking at someone's facebook is slightly sad when you don't want anything to do with them.  But I haven't been fb stalking him, it's been months since we spoke and as I had the opportunity to have a nosey, I did.   Who can honestly say they've never taken the opportunity to find out what an ex is up to, either through talking to their friends or speaking to their mother? I've never gone that far.  And after what I saw, I DEFINITELY have no desire to look at it - or him - again.

So not only is his picture completely pretentious and 'luvvie', which is a turn-off in itself, but he is now friends with and sycophantically kissing up to people he told me he hated.  Not that I should be surprised; I witnessed him slagging off one of his supposed best friends to other friends for substantial periods of time.  That was so much 'fun' to witness, nothing like feeling extremely uncomfortable and squirming.  Guess he just wants to feel popular by having loads of friends on facebook, but it doesn't change the fact that he's two-faced.
But the worst thing is the videos he's added.  Not only are they ridiculously boring and pretty pointless, not to mention extremely amateur, which makes me see just how boring and mundane his existence is, but seeing him and hearing his voice actually made me want to throw up.  Not a good sign.  But definitely what I would call extreme closure.  Such a response shocked me, as I didn't concieve that I could feel like that about him. 
What I've come to realise is how unattractive he is.  Even the eyes which I spent hours gazing into, reading his soul - yeah whatever Phoenix - no longer hold any attraction for me.  No wonder how happy he looked when he was walking around with me on his arm, I made him look so much better.  He used to refer to people in terms of leagues, as in being out of his league, and perhaps he was right.  Still, at least he seemed to adore me, although I wonder how true it ever was.  He called me a goddess, and his divine voluptuous lady.  Maybe him introducing me to his friends was to show he could pull a hot woman with amazing boobs.  * Just to point out that's not how I see myself, but what he saw in me physically - allegedly. *  But I feel like a fool.  And it scares me that I could be so into someone, and then feel absolutely nothing physically for them a few months later.

This may sound like a bitter vitriolic fuck you, but it's genuinely not intended to be.  It's an admission of my failings, and the fact that I was probably more in love with the idea of him, or who I thought he was, than the person he really is. Maybe the sex confused it.  But I'm glad I no longer miss him, or have any desire for him. 

The worst thing about it all is that I blew him.  Yeah, whatever, you might be thinking.  But for me, oral sex is an extremely intimate and loving act, and I don't do it to just anyone.  The idea of having a cock in my mouth is actually not the most pleasant of thoughts when considered in an abstract or general sense, but when it belongs to the man I love and is a cock which arouses me and gives me great pleasure then I quite like it.  As long as he is clean, not smelly, has no STDs and doesn't come in my mouth.  So that's a few stipulations, but not too much to ask.  It's what I do for them in regard to recieving oral, so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect good hygiene.  He was good in this respect, but looking back I just don't feel anything for him. 

So, like I say, I cannot believe I blew him.