My ex boyfriend just told me he cannot handle seeing me or meeting up for a coffee. Fair enough, you might say. Except we have been broke up for months and actually doing pretty well at staying in touch and hanging out. Granted, I have had some messy personal stuff going on and so at times have been a little bit dependent on him, but it's been mutual and I have been supporting him through tough stuff too. And I couldn't have got through any of it without him. But it was never a case of 'treating my ex like my boyf' to get me through. It was a continuation of him being my best friend.
We were together for a long time. We had a lot of ups and downs, and problems, but throughout it all we retained our friendship. And its not like the break up was a shocker - we had been more like friends than lovers for months. One of you doing a masters and the other getting bullied at work in a horrific institution doesn't make for passion instead of pasta. I didn't like who I became with him, I was boring and old. Not to mention the town we lived in, ugh. But we kept our friendship.
After I was sexually assaulted it was clear there was no way back for us. I couldn't be with anyone for a while. But he was incredible, always there for me, staying with me and letting me stay with him, and litres of coffee consumed over chats. To a certain extent it sucks that we cannot reconcile, but looking back objectively we were never really likely to. The person I am now would rather be alone than settle in a second-clas relationship.
But I do feel hurt that he thinks it will be too hard to see me. Whether because he still loves me or because he has met someone else, god knows. But now he's essentially said goodbye, it's hurtful. It's hurtful whenever a friend cuts you out. Maybe it's permanent, maybe not. But I do feel let down by him now.
So unfortunately today the theme is trust. Or lack thereof. I feel a bit dumb for trusting him to carry on being my friend when maybe he just isn't man enough, and I feel extremely distrustful of men anyway. Given what has happened with the ex I have blogged about before (overgrown manchild), I am adamant that I want nothing to do with any men.
When you are attacked, you lose faith in humanity. You become introverted and withdrawn, and don't care about others. You become percieved as cold or a bitch, and maybe a bit crazy. But fuck the outsiders. It is the ones you trust, confide in, that matter. So when you start to trust someone, start to believe they are a good person, you let your defences down a bit. Maybe you even tell them what happened, and their response is just what you need. You spend hours with them, getting to know them, believing them to be something. Carefully, slowly, warily, you start to trust them. Then, when you meet their family and friends, you see a different side to them. Aspects of their personality which they didn't reveal before become blaringly obvious, and he keeps changing the goalposts, so fast you cannot keep up. The things he proclaimed to love about you are suddenly wrong, and you find yourself wondering what the hell you ever saw in him. So you walk away, saying you will remain friends, but you both know that is just a dignified way to walk away. It also leaves the door open for ex sex, which is the best closure you can ever have because it reinforces the fact that things have changed between you. When he rolls over and falls asleep after, you lie there awake happy and relieved you have done the right thing.
I guess the ex ex saying he can't handle seeing me is making me think about my ex because they are both men who I feel have let me down. I never used to be a girly girl about trust; in fact I was usually the one who cheated. There was no cheating involved with either of these guys, yet I do feel betrayed. I suppose because I trusted them to be what they portrayed themselves to be, trusted them to be there for me, and I was wrong.
The worst thing is I no longer have any trust in myself when it comes to men. And people in general. Just what I need when I am about to move to a new city, begin a new job and hopefully make new friends. If I can ever trust them at all that is. I know I have bad taste in men, so this celibacy is truly the best thing for me. Also, I go for guys who are below me and are not good enough for me. I cannot see myself ever getting married as I cannot comprehend falling and remaining head-over-heels enough to sustain a marriage through the tough times. I am far too rational to believe one man encompasses it all. But it would be nice, even only for 5 minutes, for the fairy tale to be true and find a man who is mature, an adult, amazing in bed, intelligent, compassionate, well-liked and decent. Is that so much to ask?
The thing really pissing me off is, we split absolutely months ago, so why are you so bothered NOW?
Showing posts with label trust issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust issues. Show all posts
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
Fool for you? No thanks, I'm full
I'm no longer willing to be a fool for love. So why would I date one?
I was asked today by a friend if I felt I was missing out. My answer was an honest 'no'. I really don't. "But what if you miss out on that someone special?" She pressed. My reply was that I just don't have the inclination to be involved right now.
"But he could pass you by!" She seemed really concerned about this possibility. And so I said that I couldn't be bothered to spend all that time sorting the wheat from the chaff. Or in this case, chavs. "So you could have fun dating a whole bunch of unspecial guys. It can be a good way to spend your time".
I did give this some thought. Granted, dating can be fun. But as I said to her, "What's the point in spending all that time geting dressed up, making myself look pretty and allowing myself to become giddy with anticipation, only to try not to fall asleep or not staring at a really unattractive feature?" "But I'm sure we could find someone you'd -" I cut her off. No way am I going on a blind date. I've had enough bad dates where hey have at least been my choosing and I'd had a hint of interest in them. So why on earth would I subject myself to the torture of a blind date? Not only is it awkward and uncomfortable, but if you're having a crappy time how do you get away without being bloody obvious? "Shall we see the dessert menu? How about the Fool for you?" "No thanks, I'm full".
Not to mention how embarassing it would be to see them out again socially. And on the off chance it did work, Cupid (AKA your matchmaking friend) would always be in the middle - perfect for any arguments and disagreements. Your relationship essentially becomes a three-way, and not in a good way. Plus if said relationship were to not work out, the difficulties of the split would be complicated by the disappointment of Cupid. And then who does Cupid stay friends with?
I think what my lovely kind friend was thinking of was the chance of meeting a guy on the street, or the train, and him being the one. I do believe in fate and things happening for a reason. But I'm also realistic enough to know that there is a whopping distinction between movies and real life, and I know most men are not confident enough to approach a woman on the train. Commuters generally do not speak, especially in London. And the truth is, I am not so attractive that I am showered with date offers. Last guy was my ex. Maybe I'm not ugly, but I'm not someone you'd look twice at. So I'd rather abandon unnecessary hope and dreams and focus on what is important to me, and enjoy life instead of throwing "my life away on a dream that won't come true", as Rizzo so famously sang in Grease. Girlfriend got a point.
The fact that I'm not interested in dating right now means i am probably not giving out signals that I am available. And I'm honestly quite content like that.
I was asked today by a friend if I felt I was missing out. My answer was an honest 'no'. I really don't. "But what if you miss out on that someone special?" She pressed. My reply was that I just don't have the inclination to be involved right now.
"But he could pass you by!" She seemed really concerned about this possibility. And so I said that I couldn't be bothered to spend all that time sorting the wheat from the chaff. Or in this case, chavs. "So you could have fun dating a whole bunch of unspecial guys. It can be a good way to spend your time".
I did give this some thought. Granted, dating can be fun. But as I said to her, "What's the point in spending all that time geting dressed up, making myself look pretty and allowing myself to become giddy with anticipation, only to try not to fall asleep or not staring at a really unattractive feature?" "But I'm sure we could find someone you'd -" I cut her off. No way am I going on a blind date. I've had enough bad dates where hey have at least been my choosing and I'd had a hint of interest in them. So why on earth would I subject myself to the torture of a blind date? Not only is it awkward and uncomfortable, but if you're having a crappy time how do you get away without being bloody obvious? "Shall we see the dessert menu? How about the Fool for you?" "No thanks, I'm full".
Not to mention how embarassing it would be to see them out again socially. And on the off chance it did work, Cupid (AKA your matchmaking friend) would always be in the middle - perfect for any arguments and disagreements. Your relationship essentially becomes a three-way, and not in a good way. Plus if said relationship were to not work out, the difficulties of the split would be complicated by the disappointment of Cupid. And then who does Cupid stay friends with?
I think what my lovely kind friend was thinking of was the chance of meeting a guy on the street, or the train, and him being the one. I do believe in fate and things happening for a reason. But I'm also realistic enough to know that there is a whopping distinction between movies and real life, and I know most men are not confident enough to approach a woman on the train. Commuters generally do not speak, especially in London. And the truth is, I am not so attractive that I am showered with date offers. Last guy was my ex. Maybe I'm not ugly, but I'm not someone you'd look twice at. So I'd rather abandon unnecessary hope and dreams and focus on what is important to me, and enjoy life instead of throwing "my life away on a dream that won't come true", as Rizzo so famously sang in Grease. Girlfriend got a point.
The fact that I'm not interested in dating right now means i am probably not giving out signals that I am available. And I'm honestly quite content like that.
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Introspection
So, its been a few days since I've posted, due to lack of internet access and extremely stressful weekend. I carried on writing but couldn't put it up on here. I'll post it soon.
In the spirit of honesty and disclosure which this blog is (supposed to) enable, I have a confession to make - the vegetarian ate beef. Or rather, I caved and had a play. I was going absolutely stir-crazy (as is slightly obvious re-reading my post from Sunday), and I needed the release. It served a purpose. But the saddest thing was that while I played, I found myself fantasising about my ex. And when I came, I felt empty. It's a sad day when someone as passionate, as loving, as sexual as me cannot enjoy an orgasm. Especially since it had been so bloody long since I had had one! But the truth is, I miss him. Not enough to try again, or even contact him (although thank God I had deleted his number because the mood I was in, I was sorely tempted). But how crap is it to describe a long-overdue orgasm as 'serving a purpose'?!
The thing that scares me is that I got involved with him when I was really not looking to get involved. In fact, at that time I had massive, justifiable trust issues with men. So given my utter refusal to get involved with anyone for another 50 weeks (give or take one or two), I am petrified that I am now more attractive as Sod's Law would have it. Who knows, I probably look like crap, and not having any male appreciation doesn't help with feeling like a fatty at the moment, but I digress. The point is I am not open to it, but that's when I met the last one who I absolutely fell for. We may not have been together long, but he did so much to restore my faith in humanity, as well as the intense spiritual, physical, personal and chemical connection we shared, that I do miss him on occasion. But the git invading my orgasm just showed me how necessary this sexual anorexia is.
This post wasn't supposed to be about him. I just want to forget him. Not in a nasty way, but to move on. I don't think of him anywhere near as much as I used to, but I still miss his presence. Had I not played, he wouldn't have invaded. But I guess its not his fault. And at the very least, I am starting to notice changes in my approaches to things, and I am able to step back from myself and notice patterns of behaviour, and catching myself before I mindlessly repeat these mistakes. So perhaps these 3-ish weeks have taught me something so far.
I used to pride myself on having a similar sex life to Samantha in Sex and the City. Nowhere near as many, not as casual (no one-night-stands for me), but I saw myself as liberated and getting what I wanted when I wanted it. The fuck buddies were trustworthy, and good blokes, and I always enjoyed myself with them. I don't speak to them anymore, not for any negative reason but because why would we stay in touch? That period of our time together is over, and that's fine. But I think the biggest issue is that now sex, for me, needs to be accompanied by genuine and intense emotion and connection. So when I do come out of sexual hibernation, I will probably be freaking scared of going there with a new guy and getting hurt. Standard I know, but this puts more pressure on them to be what I need. As I hate Disney's Prince Charming theory instilled in pretty much every little girl for the last 30 years, given that it pressures and burdens them, I gotta find a way round this. The purpose of this is to grow, rebuild, and become independent (but not isolate myself and push others away). So hopefully by the time this hypothetical scenario becomes a possibility, I will be in a strong place - and also not rush into a new relationship,thereby negating the trust issue. Or maybe not. Who knows, it's so flipping far away. But I do know that if I can learn so much in 3 weeks, I am likely to learn a hell of a lot more in the next 50.
But the thing bothering me as I write this is - will the sex be worth the emotional investment? The best sex I have ever had is with the someones I really felt for (3 in ten years = not so bad), but in my experience there is a window of time in which you either get it on or not - and if you don't by then, you end up as friends, albeit with unresolved sexual tension and its subsequent problems. But I'm worried that I'll meet someone, hold off having sex with them until I love them, but then the sex is crap and I'm stuck loving someone I don't want physically. That may sound okay to some, but I cannot settle for that. I get that sex in relationships peaks and troughs, but as a passionate fiery person I need to physically express my feelings for the person I love. Not to mention sex unites a couple. And also once you decide to wait it puts pressure on the first time when it does happen. It's different waiting as a teenager, there is an acceptance that you might not be ready, but as adults there seems to be a rush into the bedroom - and waiting is seen by many guys as being a prick-tease. And if it starts to get physically intense between you but you want to wait, how do you know a fully grown adult man will be able to control himself and not accidentally go too far?
In the spirit of honesty and disclosure which this blog is (supposed to) enable, I have a confession to make - the vegetarian ate beef. Or rather, I caved and had a play. I was going absolutely stir-crazy (as is slightly obvious re-reading my post from Sunday), and I needed the release. It served a purpose. But the saddest thing was that while I played, I found myself fantasising about my ex. And when I came, I felt empty. It's a sad day when someone as passionate, as loving, as sexual as me cannot enjoy an orgasm. Especially since it had been so bloody long since I had had one! But the truth is, I miss him. Not enough to try again, or even contact him (although thank God I had deleted his number because the mood I was in, I was sorely tempted). But how crap is it to describe a long-overdue orgasm as 'serving a purpose'?!
The thing that scares me is that I got involved with him when I was really not looking to get involved. In fact, at that time I had massive, justifiable trust issues with men. So given my utter refusal to get involved with anyone for another 50 weeks (give or take one or two), I am petrified that I am now more attractive as Sod's Law would have it. Who knows, I probably look like crap, and not having any male appreciation doesn't help with feeling like a fatty at the moment, but I digress. The point is I am not open to it, but that's when I met the last one who I absolutely fell for. We may not have been together long, but he did so much to restore my faith in humanity, as well as the intense spiritual, physical, personal and chemical connection we shared, that I do miss him on occasion. But the git invading my orgasm just showed me how necessary this sexual anorexia is.
This post wasn't supposed to be about him. I just want to forget him. Not in a nasty way, but to move on. I don't think of him anywhere near as much as I used to, but I still miss his presence. Had I not played, he wouldn't have invaded. But I guess its not his fault. And at the very least, I am starting to notice changes in my approaches to things, and I am able to step back from myself and notice patterns of behaviour, and catching myself before I mindlessly repeat these mistakes. So perhaps these 3-ish weeks have taught me something so far.
I used to pride myself on having a similar sex life to Samantha in Sex and the City. Nowhere near as many, not as casual (no one-night-stands for me), but I saw myself as liberated and getting what I wanted when I wanted it. The fuck buddies were trustworthy, and good blokes, and I always enjoyed myself with them. I don't speak to them anymore, not for any negative reason but because why would we stay in touch? That period of our time together is over, and that's fine. But I think the biggest issue is that now sex, for me, needs to be accompanied by genuine and intense emotion and connection. So when I do come out of sexual hibernation, I will probably be freaking scared of going there with a new guy and getting hurt. Standard I know, but this puts more pressure on them to be what I need. As I hate Disney's Prince Charming theory instilled in pretty much every little girl for the last 30 years, given that it pressures and burdens them, I gotta find a way round this. The purpose of this is to grow, rebuild, and become independent (but not isolate myself and push others away). So hopefully by the time this hypothetical scenario becomes a possibility, I will be in a strong place - and also not rush into a new relationship,thereby negating the trust issue. Or maybe not. Who knows, it's so flipping far away. But I do know that if I can learn so much in 3 weeks, I am likely to learn a hell of a lot more in the next 50.
But the thing bothering me as I write this is - will the sex be worth the emotional investment? The best sex I have ever had is with the someones I really felt for (3 in ten years = not so bad), but in my experience there is a window of time in which you either get it on or not - and if you don't by then, you end up as friends, albeit with unresolved sexual tension and its subsequent problems. But I'm worried that I'll meet someone, hold off having sex with them until I love them, but then the sex is crap and I'm stuck loving someone I don't want physically. That may sound okay to some, but I cannot settle for that. I get that sex in relationships peaks and troughs, but as a passionate fiery person I need to physically express my feelings for the person I love. Not to mention sex unites a couple. And also once you decide to wait it puts pressure on the first time when it does happen. It's different waiting as a teenager, there is an acceptance that you might not be ready, but as adults there seems to be a rush into the bedroom - and waiting is seen by many guys as being a prick-tease. And if it starts to get physically intense between you but you want to wait, how do you know a fully grown adult man will be able to control himself and not accidentally go too far?
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