Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Reflections
Maybe I have to accept that sometimes in life there will be periods of a lot of man activity, and periods of dryness. Sometimes I will be into a guy, sometimes I will like more than one, and sometimes I will like none. Having discussed the breakup with my ex in detail with my friend, I came to the conclusion that I am so much better off out of that - that I changed and became a different person, someone I didn't like. Now I can look myself in the mirror. I may not like what I see all the time, but it's better than it was.
Reflections
Maybe I have to accept that sometimes in life there will be periods of a lot of man activity, and periods of dryness. Sometimes I will be into a guy, sometimes I will like more than one, and sometimes I will like none. Having discussed the breakup with my ex in detail with my friend, I came to the conclusion that I am so much better off out of that - that I changed and became a different person, someone I didn't like. Now I can look myself in the mirror. I may not like what I see all the time, but it's better than it was.
Monday, 30 January 2012
Ladies, never lose composure
My date tonight postponed as he had to work late. Maybe it's a line, maybe not, but at least it's cooled my feelings toward him. This is a good thing.
I'm tired and admittedly I didn't make much effort today, so I think a night at home will be nice. I need to stop pushing myself to be running around so much. I can feel a throat infection coming, and I really don't want to see him like that or give it to him.
I am a bit disappointed, as I was looking forward to seeing him. But I'm not sure how much he was really looking forward to seeing me. I think date 3 is always an odd one. He wanted to see me tomorrow but I'm not free. And I certainly don't want him thinking I'm too available. we'll see whether weds happens. If not, that's that and I'm moving on to the next one. I'd just like to stop thinking about him. But as far as he is concerned, I'm fine about tonight. It's all about keeping it cool. What he doesn't know is I consider it extremely rude, regardless of whoever it is. And I did have a whinge to my poor friend about it. But if I can seem to keep my composure about it all, that can be no bad thing. I don't want to rush into anything.
Mcgeeky Dickhead was the last guy I got too far too fast involved with, and I don't want to do that again. Mcsteamy trainrider was a bit of fun, and yes I liked him a bit, but not so much as to qualify for too far too fast status. Had I seen Popeye tonight, I think I would have started getting involved (assuming it went well) and that's too quick. Dating, having a laugh and keeping it casual is all I want. And after the confusion of mcsexy, the last thing I need is to be caught up in a heady intoxication. Plus I'm trying not to spend too much. And maybe giving him a few days to think about me and hopefully miss me will be a good thing. I guess I'm just used to being in control and always knowing where I stand. That used to be the beauty of guys being interchangeable. And the beauty of online dating - if one doesn't work out, next! To that end I've lined up another 2 dates. Neither of which I'm particularly fussed about, which seems to be the best way - little involvement before you meet, then if it's no great shakes, no dramas.
All this is reminding me of how strange the dating game is. What are the rules, and how does it go? How do you play it, and how do you read their intentions? How do you know if they're playing games?
My friend and I had a very long conversation about this today. He has discovered that not only does his new squeeze have a boyfriend, but a wife and kids - when he had originally said he was single. Our discussion of increasing emotions as you age really struck a chord in me - and I think this is really true of men. My remark that when I was younger, if it didn't work out it was a case of 'next!' and move on. But it's a bit different now. Now, when you care about someone, you don't just want to move on. It takes time to get over the pain. But in my case, I'm not emo involved so I have no problem with the 'next' aspect of online dating.
I can't believe I never tried it before. Definitely the way to go. And yes you don't always know what you're talking to, but there are procedures for staying safe. And actually communicating before a date, rather than a random hook-up in a bar then a date, is much better.
So, we shall see what happens. Perhaps talking about it beforehand is tempting fate, but I'm done with silly fears. What will be will be.
Maybe my lack of desire for a relationship comes across? I'm just not one of those girls desperate for a relationship. I'd still rather be alone than unhappy, and I'm not looking for a man to complete me.
That said, I am looking forward to curling up in bed with Matt Damon tonight.
I'm tired and admittedly I didn't make much effort today, so I think a night at home will be nice. I need to stop pushing myself to be running around so much. I can feel a throat infection coming, and I really don't want to see him like that or give it to him.
I am a bit disappointed, as I was looking forward to seeing him. But I'm not sure how much he was really looking forward to seeing me. I think date 3 is always an odd one. He wanted to see me tomorrow but I'm not free. And I certainly don't want him thinking I'm too available. we'll see whether weds happens. If not, that's that and I'm moving on to the next one. I'd just like to stop thinking about him. But as far as he is concerned, I'm fine about tonight. It's all about keeping it cool. What he doesn't know is I consider it extremely rude, regardless of whoever it is. And I did have a whinge to my poor friend about it. But if I can seem to keep my composure about it all, that can be no bad thing. I don't want to rush into anything.
Mcgeeky Dickhead was the last guy I got too far too fast involved with, and I don't want to do that again. Mcsteamy trainrider was a bit of fun, and yes I liked him a bit, but not so much as to qualify for too far too fast status. Had I seen Popeye tonight, I think I would have started getting involved (assuming it went well) and that's too quick. Dating, having a laugh and keeping it casual is all I want. And after the confusion of mcsexy, the last thing I need is to be caught up in a heady intoxication. Plus I'm trying not to spend too much. And maybe giving him a few days to think about me and hopefully miss me will be a good thing. I guess I'm just used to being in control and always knowing where I stand. That used to be the beauty of guys being interchangeable. And the beauty of online dating - if one doesn't work out, next! To that end I've lined up another 2 dates. Neither of which I'm particularly fussed about, which seems to be the best way - little involvement before you meet, then if it's no great shakes, no dramas.
All this is reminding me of how strange the dating game is. What are the rules, and how does it go? How do you play it, and how do you read their intentions? How do you know if they're playing games?
My friend and I had a very long conversation about this today. He has discovered that not only does his new squeeze have a boyfriend, but a wife and kids - when he had originally said he was single. Our discussion of increasing emotions as you age really struck a chord in me - and I think this is really true of men. My remark that when I was younger, if it didn't work out it was a case of 'next!' and move on. But it's a bit different now. Now, when you care about someone, you don't just want to move on. It takes time to get over the pain. But in my case, I'm not emo involved so I have no problem with the 'next' aspect of online dating.
I can't believe I never tried it before. Definitely the way to go. And yes you don't always know what you're talking to, but there are procedures for staying safe. And actually communicating before a date, rather than a random hook-up in a bar then a date, is much better.
So, we shall see what happens. Perhaps talking about it beforehand is tempting fate, but I'm done with silly fears. What will be will be.
Maybe my lack of desire for a relationship comes across? I'm just not one of those girls desperate for a relationship. I'd still rather be alone than unhappy, and I'm not looking for a man to complete me.
That said, I am looking forward to curling up in bed with Matt Damon tonight.
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Temptations
Phoenix met a man. Had an amazing conversation and bonded with him over an excessively convoluted journey home, and he protected me from a drunk who was kicking off to the police. Then he kissed me. It was amazing. Then.... He told me he is married. Which officially makes me an evil bitch. I know I wasn't the one in the wrong, but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Much discussion followed for the next week, and we agreed to keep it platonic. While he was holding my hand.... Ho hum.
I am picky. I want a love that will bring me scorching passion, excitement and friendship. I am not looking for a man to complete me, nor do I desire marriage. Been there, done that, got bored, cheated.
Is it so hard to meet a man with a full head of hair, no kids, no ex-wife, with ambition drive and passion, who will set the bed on fire (metaphorically speaking?)
With this in mind, and the fact that the first batch of guys from online dating turned out to be let downs, I am adjusting my approach. No texting, no phone calls, no emails. Minimal alcohol. Don't turn up in work clothes. No heavy topics for discussion (religion and politics featuring heavily). Don't stay out late - leave them wanting more. And no more kissing on the first date! But it has reminded me that there are some good kissers out there.
Bit of chat on the website, and then maybe meet up. Far more detached and easy. Like if it were a real date as opposed to catalogue shopping. I have another 4 to meet up with, and then if they don't work out, next!
All on my terms. But I do miss having multiple guys to text in the mornings, it made the journey much more interesting.
Mcsteamy trainrider's concerns that I should be careful not to get hurt,as much as they were born of genuineness, pissed me off royally. How dare he warn me in a 'I care about you but we can't' way?! He can't have me, so does that mean another can't? I don't bloody think so! But the really annoying thing was it made me like him even more. Dammit.
I think his commute and his wife's lack of friends will kill their marriage. I think it won't be long before he has a full-blown affair. Maybe the guilt will destroy him. Whatever. It won't be with me. I deserve more respect than that.
Or maybe we truly were two souls destined to know one another. I certainly enjoyed what passed between us. And being a femme fatale was fun, but not a role I want to take on full-time. But rather than a 'fated to be together pair of star-crossed lovers', perhaps we were just fated to be what we were, strangers who met, read one another, share advice on love and move on. But he was such an amazing kisser... Stop it phoenix. The guilt would kill you too. My friend's theory that the attraction comes from the unobtainability may be partially correct, but it did feel like more than that. Anyway I'm not willing to rush into anything again, hence the online dating.
I just wish we weren't on the same route to work. I don't want to be looking out for him. I know I'll never see him again. And that's my decision. I told him to avoid me, and deleted his number. But the girl in me can't help but feel something more passed between us.
That said, I'm not sure he is such a great guy. Granted, the guilt he felt made him seem more attractive as it showed he's not completely heartless, but from his stories he sounds perma knackered and a crap husband. Mind you his wife sounds like a pill. Lesson learned about marrying too young.
And I'm sure as shit not going to wait for them to split and him to come back into my arms. I'm not that girl to sit around and wait for a man. So dating a soldier might not be the best idea...
I just want to date, have a laugh and see what develops. I have no desire to be wondering if he's thinking about me, will he call, is he into me? So in some ways I'd rather get the first kiss out the way, so I don't waste time on a guy if there's no spark and no prospect of development.
Perhaps I sound a little selfish. But it's not about them being interchangeable, it's about me not settling, and not getting caught up in a guy who is neither right for me nor good enough for me. I'm not chasing love, but if it happens so be it. This may be quite a male attitude, but it works for me.
My new years resolution still stands.
I am picky. I want a love that will bring me scorching passion, excitement and friendship. I am not looking for a man to complete me, nor do I desire marriage. Been there, done that, got bored, cheated.
Is it so hard to meet a man with a full head of hair, no kids, no ex-wife, with ambition drive and passion, who will set the bed on fire (metaphorically speaking?)
With this in mind, and the fact that the first batch of guys from online dating turned out to be let downs, I am adjusting my approach. No texting, no phone calls, no emails. Minimal alcohol. Don't turn up in work clothes. No heavy topics for discussion (religion and politics featuring heavily). Don't stay out late - leave them wanting more. And no more kissing on the first date! But it has reminded me that there are some good kissers out there.
Bit of chat on the website, and then maybe meet up. Far more detached and easy. Like if it were a real date as opposed to catalogue shopping. I have another 4 to meet up with, and then if they don't work out, next!
All on my terms. But I do miss having multiple guys to text in the mornings, it made the journey much more interesting.
Mcsteamy trainrider's concerns that I should be careful not to get hurt,as much as they were born of genuineness, pissed me off royally. How dare he warn me in a 'I care about you but we can't' way?! He can't have me, so does that mean another can't? I don't bloody think so! But the really annoying thing was it made me like him even more. Dammit.
I think his commute and his wife's lack of friends will kill their marriage. I think it won't be long before he has a full-blown affair. Maybe the guilt will destroy him. Whatever. It won't be with me. I deserve more respect than that.
Or maybe we truly were two souls destined to know one another. I certainly enjoyed what passed between us. And being a femme fatale was fun, but not a role I want to take on full-time. But rather than a 'fated to be together pair of star-crossed lovers', perhaps we were just fated to be what we were, strangers who met, read one another, share advice on love and move on. But he was such an amazing kisser... Stop it phoenix. The guilt would kill you too. My friend's theory that the attraction comes from the unobtainability may be partially correct, but it did feel like more than that. Anyway I'm not willing to rush into anything again, hence the online dating.
I just wish we weren't on the same route to work. I don't want to be looking out for him. I know I'll never see him again. And that's my decision. I told him to avoid me, and deleted his number. But the girl in me can't help but feel something more passed between us.
That said, I'm not sure he is such a great guy. Granted, the guilt he felt made him seem more attractive as it showed he's not completely heartless, but from his stories he sounds perma knackered and a crap husband. Mind you his wife sounds like a pill. Lesson learned about marrying too young.
And I'm sure as shit not going to wait for them to split and him to come back into my arms. I'm not that girl to sit around and wait for a man. So dating a soldier might not be the best idea...
I just want to date, have a laugh and see what develops. I have no desire to be wondering if he's thinking about me, will he call, is he into me? So in some ways I'd rather get the first kiss out the way, so I don't waste time on a guy if there's no spark and no prospect of development.
Perhaps I sound a little selfish. But it's not about them being interchangeable, it's about me not settling, and not getting caught up in a guy who is neither right for me nor good enough for me. I'm not chasing love, but if it happens so be it. This may be quite a male attitude, but it works for me.
My new years resolution still stands.
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
The online experiment - experiences thus far...
Update on the great online dating experiment:
Date 1 - too flashy, bit of an Essex wideboy. Seemed sweet and very self-deprecating. Goodnight kiss, but no desire to see him again.
Date 2 - bald pixie. Pictures were obviously years old. Used the drink as a therapy session to post-mortem his divorce, with me in the unwitting role of therapist. Hid in toilets for 10 mins but he didn't leave. Used the train excuse and left after 80 minutes.
Date 3 - cancelled on me as I'm pretty sure he got the feeling I wasn't too keen. I wasn't. Went home and relaxed instead - and really enjoyed myself.
Date 4 - out for 7 hours. Had a really good time but drank a bit much. Got thrown out of bar for making out too much. Carried on texting me for a few days, but he said no when I suggested we meet up again.
So,in a nutshell, no total horrors, but no real prospects.
Date 1 - too flashy, bit of an Essex wideboy. Seemed sweet and very self-deprecating. Goodnight kiss, but no desire to see him again.
Date 2 - bald pixie. Pictures were obviously years old. Used the drink as a therapy session to post-mortem his divorce, with me in the unwitting role of therapist. Hid in toilets for 10 mins but he didn't leave. Used the train excuse and left after 80 minutes.
Date 3 - cancelled on me as I'm pretty sure he got the feeling I wasn't too keen. I wasn't. Went home and relaxed instead - and really enjoyed myself.
Date 4 - out for 7 hours. Had a really good time but drank a bit much. Got thrown out of bar for making out too much. Carried on texting me for a few days, but he said no when I suggested we meet up again.
So,in a nutshell, no total horrors, but no real prospects.
Monday, 23 January 2012
Back on the wagon again :-)
I'm thinking about going back to celibacy again. I've had a few weeks of fun, but I'm bored of it now. I don't regret my decision, or anything I've done, but life is so much easier without a man in it. I just want to concentrate on me, achieving my goals and being the person I want to be. Having had a break from celibacy, and allowing myself that which I wanted, I feel sated. I just can't be bothered with dating or any romantic entanglements. And that is a very powerful and enlightening epiphany.
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Opening up to trust again
My decision to end my celibacy has raised a few eyebrows.
I wasn't lonely. But I was frustrated. Sexually and passionately. I like being expressive, to give my loved ones affection. I also like sex for stress release. I was getting bored with the celibacy. I'm confident I made the right decision, I don't regret it. The objective was to prevent myself getting hurt, rushing into anything and putting my man before myself. I've taught myself to no longer do these things. And now I'm dating again and having a laugh. Plus feeling sexy and being attractive is always a confidence booster. So I'm still content and settled, just didn't quite make it a year. But I made the considered decision to break it at the right time. And I don't feel like a failure. Happy days.
Life can be fun, and life can be cruel. But rather than let it keep you down, you have to pick yourself up and start again. Friends and family get you through it. The people you love are the most important in the world. Any time you open yourself up to anyone new you run the risk of getting hurt, which everyone is scared deep down. But if it goes tits up, rely on those who love you to get you through, and don't believe everyone in the world is evil. You can't truly love someone unless you trust them.
I wasn't lonely. But I was frustrated. Sexually and passionately. I like being expressive, to give my loved ones affection. I also like sex for stress release. I was getting bored with the celibacy. I'm confident I made the right decision, I don't regret it. The objective was to prevent myself getting hurt, rushing into anything and putting my man before myself. I've taught myself to no longer do these things. And now I'm dating again and having a laugh. Plus feeling sexy and being attractive is always a confidence booster. So I'm still content and settled, just didn't quite make it a year. But I made the considered decision to break it at the right time. And I don't feel like a failure. Happy days.
Life can be fun, and life can be cruel. But rather than let it keep you down, you have to pick yourself up and start again. Friends and family get you through it. The people you love are the most important in the world. Any time you open yourself up to anyone new you run the risk of getting hurt, which everyone is scared deep down. But if it goes tits up, rely on those who love you to get you through, and don't believe everyone in the world is evil. You can't truly love someone unless you trust them.
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