Happy birthday to me

On my birthday (well just slightly after), despite suffering from lurgy, I gave myself the best present ever.  Forgiveness .  It’s a wonderful feeling.  I had to go to my ex’s to pick up some birthday presents which had been delivered to his.  We hadn’t spoken in nearly 5 months.  Though it may not have been illegal to drive in my delicate green condition, it probably wasn’t the best idea.  But I needed to pick up my presents and I was damned if I was going to wait a few days until I felt better.  The stress of psyching myself up to seeing him would have made me feel worse.  It had already ruined my sleep the night he text me to tell me, and waiting all day until the mutually agreed time was making my poor stomach even more nauseous.   I ended it nearly a year ago, but we hadn’t managed to maintain even basic communication.  Not my proudest behaviour, but I’ll be honest – I was hurting.  As does anyone going through a breakup.  Hence, the nerves.  But once I saw him, it was okay.  We chatted and caught up on what each other was up to.  We updated each other on our friends.  We both apologised to one another.  And we hugged each other goodbye. 

On the drive home, I felt peace for the first time in a while.  The truth is that while I have changed, grown and (hopefully) become a better person, he’s stayed the same.  He’s still on the same path he was on during our relationship.  I tried to help him for so long, but you can’t save everyone.  And I’m not his mother.  Surprisingly, I didn’t feel the perverse sense of satisfaction when you see an ex and they are doing worse than you.  I wish good things for him.  But I also know I did the right thing for me.  There’s only so many months you can lie awake crying yourself to sleep because you can’t afford to leave a life which makes you miserable. 

I guess I finally GET that as much as he was a good person, he wasn’t right for me.  I don’t really believe in monogamy, and I don’t believe in the concept of Mr Right.  But I do believe in Mr Right Now and pleasure.  I may not have found it yet, and I am done searching, because I want to focus on me.  Academia, socialising, hobbies, culture, experiences.  I left because I wanted more. Have I got it?  Tough to say definitively.  Do I have the opportunity to achieve what I want and not feel held back by another?  Absolutely.  Is the drive ambition and passion which powered me as a fiesty teen returning?  Slowly, but yes, bit by bit.  

Was it my fault it ended?  No.  Could I have done more? No.  Would I have been happier staying?  No.  Would he be happier if we'd stayed together?  I truly believe not.  

I've let go of the guilt and self-loathing caused by believing it was all my fault.  it was just another one of life's lessons.  The only constant in life is change.  All we can do is treat others as well as possible.