Reality is kicking in. I really do not have time for a relationship right now. There is so much going on in my life that I don't have room for complications, or even the energy required to sustain a connection with someone.
You get out what you put in to everything. So the little I could put into a relationship would be very unsatisfactory. Not to mention very unfair on the other person.
I miss the closeness. But not as much as I was. Marked decrease, which feels positive. I'm looking forward to concentrating on my career properly, getting fit and toning my tummy (worst problem area), and generally getting my head together. I think it's actually pretty mature to acknowledge you need to grow. So many people are unhappy, and moan about it, but how many people actually do something about it?
I need to decide where I want to spend Christmas. I feel like skipping it this year. It's never been my favourite holiday, and I want to spend it in a non Christian country. Though that will probably be expensive. I haven't been single for 10 years and I think it will be the time I really feel alone, so I'd rather avoid it if possible.
I'm sat in the park writing this, it's a beautiful autumn day and there's a kind of magic in the air. The cloudless blue sky is contrasting so wonderfully with the changing leaves. Red gold yellow and brown. Definitely my favourite season. And it's nice to be wrapping up in thick jumpers again. The park is full of office workers and students on lunch. There is a very affectionate couple sat opposite me. It's nice, and they seem happy, but it's just too much work and too much effort for me right now.
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Flirting becomes boring
It's been a while since I've flirted with anyone. Day by day, my attraction to my colleague has been decreasing. Nothing he's done especially, but more of an "actually I'm alright thanks" attitude on my part. So this time spent not doing what I was used to has instead been dedicated to thinking. And observing the world around me.
It has struck me just how much confusion and chaos is caused by the simple act of flirting. For both sexes. But I've been thinking about male behaviours recently and so it is to those I am referring now.
Women tend to see a guy who flirts as in to her. Or maybe as a bit of a lad. Possibly just trying to get involved and not be too obvious about it. Maybe he uses it to cover up his insecurities and be seen as fun and exciting. But my conclusions are a tad more simple. Who knows, I could be wrong. But it's amazing how much easier it is to be objective when you remove yourself from a situation and look at it as though a passer-by.
Maybe some guys like to flirt. Maybe some of them just want the attention. But it would be helpful if they were more fucking explicit in their intentions.
I'm glad I'm not flirting with guys I work with anymore. But I am a bit bored here. Everyone here is coupled up, living here and working permanently. Homes, hobbies, husbands. I, by contrast, feel as though I am still at summer camp and thus miss being hedonistic. I am glad I have applied the brakes and slowed down a gear, but slowing down does give me more time to think. Which I don't like so much.
I'm glad I'm doing this, sorting out who I am and what I'm about. Sorting out my relationship behaviours so I can get back to being me again. Single really is the best way for me to be free. But right now starvation and total self-deprivation is so not fun.
Will I really manage to keep this going for another 47 weeks? It will be interesting to see where this voyage of self-discovery takes me. I cannot envisage what will happen, but hopefully in a year I'll be stronger, independent and wiser.
Or not. But I'm sure it will be an interesting journey. Just gotta stick to it. Thank god for cigarettes.
It has struck me just how much confusion and chaos is caused by the simple act of flirting. For both sexes. But I've been thinking about male behaviours recently and so it is to those I am referring now.
Women tend to see a guy who flirts as in to her. Or maybe as a bit of a lad. Possibly just trying to get involved and not be too obvious about it. Maybe he uses it to cover up his insecurities and be seen as fun and exciting. But my conclusions are a tad more simple. Who knows, I could be wrong. But it's amazing how much easier it is to be objective when you remove yourself from a situation and look at it as though a passer-by.
Maybe some guys like to flirt. Maybe some of them just want the attention. But it would be helpful if they were more fucking explicit in their intentions.
I'm glad I'm not flirting with guys I work with anymore. But I am a bit bored here. Everyone here is coupled up, living here and working permanently. Homes, hobbies, husbands. I, by contrast, feel as though I am still at summer camp and thus miss being hedonistic. I am glad I have applied the brakes and slowed down a gear, but slowing down does give me more time to think. Which I don't like so much.
I'm glad I'm doing this, sorting out who I am and what I'm about. Sorting out my relationship behaviours so I can get back to being me again. Single really is the best way for me to be free. But right now starvation and total self-deprivation is so not fun.
Will I really manage to keep this going for another 47 weeks? It will be interesting to see where this voyage of self-discovery takes me. I cannot envisage what will happen, but hopefully in a year I'll be stronger, independent and wiser.
Or not. But I'm sure it will be an interesting journey. Just gotta stick to it. Thank god for cigarettes.
Friday, 7 October 2011
Monogamy - as outdated as wood?
So, as you may have gathered, I have come to the realisation that I need to grow up and stop leaning on men for support. That scares me, as I wrote something very similar 8 years ago. I know I have grown up a bit, but I'm scared I'm still the same person. IS it possible for personal development to stop for 8 years, when you're NOT addicted to drugs? And I'm annoyed with myself for how often I use 'but' in my writing; poor English skills Phoenix!
Not having a break from men for 10 years essentially means I have been in the same relationship for 10 years. No wonder my growth has stagnated. The guys have been interchangeable, but have I ever respected their differences and treated them as individuals, instead of just seeing them as 'they guy I am involved with'?
What I really find myself wondering tonight is, will I ever find a man who gives me everything I need, or am I destined to always want more than 1 person at a time? I don't believe in monogamy, but I do it because that's what the guy usually wants. A few times I have slipped, but I have tried to hide it from them to protect their feelings. It's not about lying, I'd love to admit to wanting an open relationship, but as many men know, saying that out loud is so hurtful to the person who only wants you. It doesn't mean you want them any less, its just saying you want to have freedom to engage with others. I wouldn't be hurt if I was told this, I'd applaud it - and possibly participate depending on how hot she was and if she was up for it (of course). But as I have discovered, there seems to be an unfortunate correlation between longevity of relationship and frequency of lovemaking. Maybe I get unsexier the longer I'm in a relationship, maybe they get more comfortable with me - but I need it often or I get bored. At least I have the courage of conviction to admit that. It may not be a classy thing to admit to, and it may not be socially acceptable, but I am being honest (and blogging under a username to keep things anonymous).
But my fundamental question is - What's wrong with seeking different things from different people? Maybe that's healthier - if we have more than one platonic friend, who we accept the flaws of, and friends to do different activities with, why do we expect one partner to encompass it all? Maybe we should try to be happy and stop waiting to be saved. Or maybe we should be more open-minded to the idea of multiple partners. Long as everyone uses condoms and respects one another, whats the problem with open relationships?
Perhaps I should have been born in the Sixties
Not having a break from men for 10 years essentially means I have been in the same relationship for 10 years. No wonder my growth has stagnated. The guys have been interchangeable, but have I ever respected their differences and treated them as individuals, instead of just seeing them as 'they guy I am involved with'?
What I really find myself wondering tonight is, will I ever find a man who gives me everything I need, or am I destined to always want more than 1 person at a time? I don't believe in monogamy, but I do it because that's what the guy usually wants. A few times I have slipped, but I have tried to hide it from them to protect their feelings. It's not about lying, I'd love to admit to wanting an open relationship, but as many men know, saying that out loud is so hurtful to the person who only wants you. It doesn't mean you want them any less, its just saying you want to have freedom to engage with others. I wouldn't be hurt if I was told this, I'd applaud it - and possibly participate depending on how hot she was and if she was up for it (of course). But as I have discovered, there seems to be an unfortunate correlation between longevity of relationship and frequency of lovemaking. Maybe I get unsexier the longer I'm in a relationship, maybe they get more comfortable with me - but I need it often or I get bored. At least I have the courage of conviction to admit that. It may not be a classy thing to admit to, and it may not be socially acceptable, but I am being honest (and blogging under a username to keep things anonymous).
But my fundamental question is - What's wrong with seeking different things from different people? Maybe that's healthier - if we have more than one platonic friend, who we accept the flaws of, and friends to do different activities with, why do we expect one partner to encompass it all? Maybe we should try to be happy and stop waiting to be saved. Or maybe we should be more open-minded to the idea of multiple partners. Long as everyone uses condoms and respects one another, whats the problem with open relationships?
Perhaps I should have been born in the Sixties
The third sign of madness
They say the first sign of madness is talking to yourself, and the second sign is responding to yourself. In my opinion, the third sign of madness is quoting Romeo to yourself as you wander through the park.
King George went mad from syphillis. Is it possible to go mad from deprivation and self-repression? I almost wish I had a religious reason to undergo this project, as I think that would be a better motivator than 'I have crap taste in men' and 'I want to focus on my career'.
But I digress. Here are my choice thoughts for the day. Why on earth did I think I could stick to this.....?
'Ah me, sad hours seem long'.
I believe it was the greatest literary romantic of all who uttered these desolate words. Or perhaps the greatest fool for love.
A more personally appropriate one for me would be, 'ah me, bored hours doth drag on so'. Work today has dragged like an absolute bitch. What's not helping is that I am (not-so) slightly attracted to the colleague with whom I was enjoying a mutual flirt sesh the other week (see 'Cold Turkey Kicks In'). Said rugger bugger looks like a taller, sexier, hotter version of Prince William, with a much nicer arse. And blueberry eyes that could cut glass and I could drown in.
Add to this fact my annoyance that I work with him and therefore would violate my 'don't get involved with people from work' rule, and you have a slightly irritated Phoenix_from_the_flames.
I guess the fact is that as much as my brain might be telling me and my heart to calm down, it cannot control or suppress my hormones. Never one for doing things by halves, I have decided romantic starvation is the only way forward. Emotionally and personally, it's the best thing. But physically? Argh!
Writing this makes me sound like a sex addict. I'm not. I'm human.
Chatting to a girlfriend today, she thinks it is admirable but unrealistic. Or I will maintain it until I absolutely cannot control myself anymore. In her words, "It would be tough for most normal people to do - so it will be hell for you!" I have to stick to this. So I'm blogging to vent my frustrations and keep myself on track. If I didn't, I'd fall off the wagon within a week. Change is always tough, especially when it is ingrained behaviour. But it's really hard not to flirt with the gorgeous royal-a-like, especially when I feel like this could be the one. And therein lies my problem - I always feel like the next guy could be the one, when I don't stick around long after I discover they are flawed.
And anyway, I don't think he likes me in that way. So I'm not gonna throw myself at him. If he does, he has to show me. And if not, it just shows I am doing the right thing.
But on what feels like a summer's day, there's nothing like a little flirt - and sexual tension makes the day pass so much quicker. I'm a bit of a minx - I like an illicit thrill - but I also like trusting guys; and working and socialising with them allows you to do that. Especially as I don't - and have never done - meeting guys in bars, or one-night stands.
King George went mad from syphillis. Is it possible to go mad from deprivation and self-repression? I almost wish I had a religious reason to undergo this project, as I think that would be a better motivator than 'I have crap taste in men' and 'I want to focus on my career'.
But I digress. Here are my choice thoughts for the day. Why on earth did I think I could stick to this.....?
'Ah me, sad hours seem long'.
I believe it was the greatest literary romantic of all who uttered these desolate words. Or perhaps the greatest fool for love.
A more personally appropriate one for me would be, 'ah me, bored hours doth drag on so'. Work today has dragged like an absolute bitch. What's not helping is that I am (not-so) slightly attracted to the colleague with whom I was enjoying a mutual flirt sesh the other week (see 'Cold Turkey Kicks In'). Said rugger bugger looks like a taller, sexier, hotter version of Prince William, with a much nicer arse. And blueberry eyes that could cut glass and I could drown in.
Add to this fact my annoyance that I work with him and therefore would violate my 'don't get involved with people from work' rule, and you have a slightly irritated Phoenix_from_the_flames.
I guess the fact is that as much as my brain might be telling me and my heart to calm down, it cannot control or suppress my hormones. Never one for doing things by halves, I have decided romantic starvation is the only way forward. Emotionally and personally, it's the best thing. But physically? Argh!
Writing this makes me sound like a sex addict. I'm not. I'm human.
Chatting to a girlfriend today, she thinks it is admirable but unrealistic. Or I will maintain it until I absolutely cannot control myself anymore. In her words, "It would be tough for most normal people to do - so it will be hell for you!" I have to stick to this. So I'm blogging to vent my frustrations and keep myself on track. If I didn't, I'd fall off the wagon within a week. Change is always tough, especially when it is ingrained behaviour. But it's really hard not to flirt with the gorgeous royal-a-like, especially when I feel like this could be the one. And therein lies my problem - I always feel like the next guy could be the one, when I don't stick around long after I discover they are flawed.
And anyway, I don't think he likes me in that way. So I'm not gonna throw myself at him. If he does, he has to show me. And if not, it just shows I am doing the right thing.
But on what feels like a summer's day, there's nothing like a little flirt - and sexual tension makes the day pass so much quicker. I'm a bit of a minx - I like an illicit thrill - but I also like trusting guys; and working and socialising with them allows you to do that. Especially as I don't - and have never done - meeting guys in bars, or one-night stands.
Lock, stock, and totally without a cock
"Mr Braker. Today, my name, is Mr Braker". This line from Brit classic Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels sums up my mood today.
Undesirable. Today, my name is undesirable. Alternating between horny-as-hell, and not-being-able-to-do-anything-about-it-so-what's-the-point-in-being-horny. Not being able to flirt is kinda getting me down and I feel like an absolute frump. But what's really pissing me off is the realisation that I am so dependent on male attention for my self-esteem. So fucking pathetic. So much for Little Miss Independent.
I miss having someone. I miss kissing. I miss flirting. I miss the excitement that comes in the early days and he texts you. I miss dating. I miss anticipation, excitement and butterflies in the stomach.
But I miss sex. Passion, fireworks and earth-shattering orgasms. Whoever said it's better to have loved and lost than not loved at all is an absolute idiot. Especially considering my favourite time of year is coming (Halloween to Xmas) and I'll be spending it absolutely alone.
Undesirable. Today, my name is undesirable. Alternating between horny-as-hell, and not-being-able-to-do-anything-about-it-so-what's-the-point-in-being-horny. Not being able to flirt is kinda getting me down and I feel like an absolute frump. But what's really pissing me off is the realisation that I am so dependent on male attention for my self-esteem. So fucking pathetic. So much for Little Miss Independent.
I miss having someone. I miss kissing. I miss flirting. I miss the excitement that comes in the early days and he texts you. I miss dating. I miss anticipation, excitement and butterflies in the stomach.
But I miss sex. Passion, fireworks and earth-shattering orgasms. Whoever said it's better to have loved and lost than not loved at all is an absolute idiot. Especially considering my favourite time of year is coming (Halloween to Xmas) and I'll be spending it absolutely alone.
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Introspection
So, its been a few days since I've posted, due to lack of internet access and extremely stressful weekend. I carried on writing but couldn't put it up on here. I'll post it soon.
In the spirit of honesty and disclosure which this blog is (supposed to) enable, I have a confession to make - the vegetarian ate beef. Or rather, I caved and had a play. I was going absolutely stir-crazy (as is slightly obvious re-reading my post from Sunday), and I needed the release. It served a purpose. But the saddest thing was that while I played, I found myself fantasising about my ex. And when I came, I felt empty. It's a sad day when someone as passionate, as loving, as sexual as me cannot enjoy an orgasm. Especially since it had been so bloody long since I had had one! But the truth is, I miss him. Not enough to try again, or even contact him (although thank God I had deleted his number because the mood I was in, I was sorely tempted). But how crap is it to describe a long-overdue orgasm as 'serving a purpose'?!
The thing that scares me is that I got involved with him when I was really not looking to get involved. In fact, at that time I had massive, justifiable trust issues with men. So given my utter refusal to get involved with anyone for another 50 weeks (give or take one or two), I am petrified that I am now more attractive as Sod's Law would have it. Who knows, I probably look like crap, and not having any male appreciation doesn't help with feeling like a fatty at the moment, but I digress. The point is I am not open to it, but that's when I met the last one who I absolutely fell for. We may not have been together long, but he did so much to restore my faith in humanity, as well as the intense spiritual, physical, personal and chemical connection we shared, that I do miss him on occasion. But the git invading my orgasm just showed me how necessary this sexual anorexia is.
This post wasn't supposed to be about him. I just want to forget him. Not in a nasty way, but to move on. I don't think of him anywhere near as much as I used to, but I still miss his presence. Had I not played, he wouldn't have invaded. But I guess its not his fault. And at the very least, I am starting to notice changes in my approaches to things, and I am able to step back from myself and notice patterns of behaviour, and catching myself before I mindlessly repeat these mistakes. So perhaps these 3-ish weeks have taught me something so far.
I used to pride myself on having a similar sex life to Samantha in Sex and the City. Nowhere near as many, not as casual (no one-night-stands for me), but I saw myself as liberated and getting what I wanted when I wanted it. The fuck buddies were trustworthy, and good blokes, and I always enjoyed myself with them. I don't speak to them anymore, not for any negative reason but because why would we stay in touch? That period of our time together is over, and that's fine. But I think the biggest issue is that now sex, for me, needs to be accompanied by genuine and intense emotion and connection. So when I do come out of sexual hibernation, I will probably be freaking scared of going there with a new guy and getting hurt. Standard I know, but this puts more pressure on them to be what I need. As I hate Disney's Prince Charming theory instilled in pretty much every little girl for the last 30 years, given that it pressures and burdens them, I gotta find a way round this. The purpose of this is to grow, rebuild, and become independent (but not isolate myself and push others away). So hopefully by the time this hypothetical scenario becomes a possibility, I will be in a strong place - and also not rush into a new relationship,thereby negating the trust issue. Or maybe not. Who knows, it's so flipping far away. But I do know that if I can learn so much in 3 weeks, I am likely to learn a hell of a lot more in the next 50.
But the thing bothering me as I write this is - will the sex be worth the emotional investment? The best sex I have ever had is with the someones I really felt for (3 in ten years = not so bad), but in my experience there is a window of time in which you either get it on or not - and if you don't by then, you end up as friends, albeit with unresolved sexual tension and its subsequent problems. But I'm worried that I'll meet someone, hold off having sex with them until I love them, but then the sex is crap and I'm stuck loving someone I don't want physically. That may sound okay to some, but I cannot settle for that. I get that sex in relationships peaks and troughs, but as a passionate fiery person I need to physically express my feelings for the person I love. Not to mention sex unites a couple. And also once you decide to wait it puts pressure on the first time when it does happen. It's different waiting as a teenager, there is an acceptance that you might not be ready, but as adults there seems to be a rush into the bedroom - and waiting is seen by many guys as being a prick-tease. And if it starts to get physically intense between you but you want to wait, how do you know a fully grown adult man will be able to control himself and not accidentally go too far?
In the spirit of honesty and disclosure which this blog is (supposed to) enable, I have a confession to make - the vegetarian ate beef. Or rather, I caved and had a play. I was going absolutely stir-crazy (as is slightly obvious re-reading my post from Sunday), and I needed the release. It served a purpose. But the saddest thing was that while I played, I found myself fantasising about my ex. And when I came, I felt empty. It's a sad day when someone as passionate, as loving, as sexual as me cannot enjoy an orgasm. Especially since it had been so bloody long since I had had one! But the truth is, I miss him. Not enough to try again, or even contact him (although thank God I had deleted his number because the mood I was in, I was sorely tempted). But how crap is it to describe a long-overdue orgasm as 'serving a purpose'?!
The thing that scares me is that I got involved with him when I was really not looking to get involved. In fact, at that time I had massive, justifiable trust issues with men. So given my utter refusal to get involved with anyone for another 50 weeks (give or take one or two), I am petrified that I am now more attractive as Sod's Law would have it. Who knows, I probably look like crap, and not having any male appreciation doesn't help with feeling like a fatty at the moment, but I digress. The point is I am not open to it, but that's when I met the last one who I absolutely fell for. We may not have been together long, but he did so much to restore my faith in humanity, as well as the intense spiritual, physical, personal and chemical connection we shared, that I do miss him on occasion. But the git invading my orgasm just showed me how necessary this sexual anorexia is.
This post wasn't supposed to be about him. I just want to forget him. Not in a nasty way, but to move on. I don't think of him anywhere near as much as I used to, but I still miss his presence. Had I not played, he wouldn't have invaded. But I guess its not his fault. And at the very least, I am starting to notice changes in my approaches to things, and I am able to step back from myself and notice patterns of behaviour, and catching myself before I mindlessly repeat these mistakes. So perhaps these 3-ish weeks have taught me something so far.
I used to pride myself on having a similar sex life to Samantha in Sex and the City. Nowhere near as many, not as casual (no one-night-stands for me), but I saw myself as liberated and getting what I wanted when I wanted it. The fuck buddies were trustworthy, and good blokes, and I always enjoyed myself with them. I don't speak to them anymore, not for any negative reason but because why would we stay in touch? That period of our time together is over, and that's fine. But I think the biggest issue is that now sex, for me, needs to be accompanied by genuine and intense emotion and connection. So when I do come out of sexual hibernation, I will probably be freaking scared of going there with a new guy and getting hurt. Standard I know, but this puts more pressure on them to be what I need. As I hate Disney's Prince Charming theory instilled in pretty much every little girl for the last 30 years, given that it pressures and burdens them, I gotta find a way round this. The purpose of this is to grow, rebuild, and become independent (but not isolate myself and push others away). So hopefully by the time this hypothetical scenario becomes a possibility, I will be in a strong place - and also not rush into a new relationship,thereby negating the trust issue. Or maybe not. Who knows, it's so flipping far away. But I do know that if I can learn so much in 3 weeks, I am likely to learn a hell of a lot more in the next 50.
But the thing bothering me as I write this is - will the sex be worth the emotional investment? The best sex I have ever had is with the someones I really felt for (3 in ten years = not so bad), but in my experience there is a window of time in which you either get it on or not - and if you don't by then, you end up as friends, albeit with unresolved sexual tension and its subsequent problems. But I'm worried that I'll meet someone, hold off having sex with them until I love them, but then the sex is crap and I'm stuck loving someone I don't want physically. That may sound okay to some, but I cannot settle for that. I get that sex in relationships peaks and troughs, but as a passionate fiery person I need to physically express my feelings for the person I love. Not to mention sex unites a couple. And also once you decide to wait it puts pressure on the first time when it does happen. It's different waiting as a teenager, there is an acceptance that you might not be ready, but as adults there seems to be a rush into the bedroom - and waiting is seen by many guys as being a prick-tease. And if it starts to get physically intense between you but you want to wait, how do you know a fully grown adult man will be able to control himself and not accidentally go too far?
Sunday, 2 October 2011
Cravings
I need to get laid. Now. I have an absolutely desperate and unquenchable need to have sex.
I have so much crazy shit going on in my personal life that I need the pleasure, the forgetting, the absolute bliss that comes with amazing sex. Why the hell did I think I could do this for a year? What on earth is wrong with me?
I don’t even have anyone I can trust to sleep with here. In Manchester I had 2 fuck buddies, reliable and decent guys I could call and depend on when I had the urge. And they were always there, always ready and ALWAYS satisfying. So why don’t I have that here? I forgot how much time it takes to build that up, the trust and safety of the fuck buddy. I miss that. I could handle having sex with a fuck buddy right now, someone I could trust to make me come so much I forget my name.
My ex scorched my soul, indelibly branded himself there. It doesn’t help that he was the best I have ever had and was always guaranteed to send me to another planet. Right now I’m sorely tempted to get in touch with him and get laid. But he’s in another town and for him, sex between us is emotional. Dammit. So no contact with him. But tonight I really need to get laid. So instead I’ll have a large glass of wine and hopefully knock myself out enough to forget these urges which today are driving me to distraction. Fuck. I so cannot stick to this, I need sex. I miss sex. The fact I cannot even masturbate doesn’t help matters either.
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