Monday, 12 December 2011
Absence makes the heart grow empty - 18th November
Today I realised a profound truth. I am in love with no-one. My heart belongs to no-one and I am not thinking of any man whom I have any feelings for. 3 hot guys in finance but they are just decorations, pretty wallhangings. I have no true desire because I have no-one to project them on to. Sure it would be nice to get laid but as I've said before I'm not just going to shag someone.
Secret sex - 15th November
Given that I used to fantasise about all-girl threesomes when having sex with TLOML, I have often considered joining a secret sex society. Not a dirty seedy group of reprobates but a classy upmarket group of likeminded individuals who meet for purely hedonistic reasons.
There are lots of cons to such an action, not least the cost and my lack of confidence physically. Plus what if I got there and no-one wanted to play with me?
But the biggest pro would be the realisation of what I have wanted to do for so long. But no boyfriend has been brave or open-minded enough to try. And I know good sex and orgasms exist out there, and I want them again.
There are lots of cons to such an action, not least the cost and my lack of confidence physically. Plus what if I got there and no-one wanted to play with me?
But the biggest pro would be the realisation of what I have wanted to do for so long. But no boyfriend has been brave or open-minded enough to try. And I know good sex and orgasms exist out there, and I want them again.
Pretty woman - 9th November
So it seems a little bit tough to not allow myself to be attracted to anyone I work. There are a fair few hot guys in finance (strikes me as somewhat odd but hey perhaps Phoenix is being narrowminded. Oops).
Bloody typical. A guy in anothr part of the office has expressed an interest, but I have absolutely no desire to be romantically involved.
The most annoying thing is the person I am most attracted to is a woman. Seriously attracted. As in I want to do things with her that I have only ever fantasised about. She's absolutely beautiful and a really lovely person to boot. Soooo principled and ethical, she definitely puts me to shame. She uses up her annual leave going to protests, cycles to work even in the pouring rain and is so passionate about what she does.
This isn't the first time I have been attracted to a woman. The last one was a few years ago. Both these women are very physically different. But there's something I can't quite pinpoint about her. I've never told anyone about this. I just don't know how they would react. I don't know what I am. But I think the fact that I had to fantasise about being in bed with a woman instead of TLOML in order to come says a hell of a lot. A couple of my friends know this. They just don't know it was women.
I won't complete personal info equality forms. I refused to be put in a box or seen through a certain perspective. So I refuse to define my sexuality in any terms. I like who I like, when I like. Long as the sex is mutually consensual and pleasurable, keep going.
I'm getting aroused just thinking about her. Not a good idea on the way into work. I won't do anything about this, as I think she's straight and also I work with her. So not breaking that rule. Time to suppress it and put on my game face.
Bloody typical. A guy in anothr part of the office has expressed an interest, but I have absolutely no desire to be romantically involved.
The most annoying thing is the person I am most attracted to is a woman. Seriously attracted. As in I want to do things with her that I have only ever fantasised about. She's absolutely beautiful and a really lovely person to boot. Soooo principled and ethical, she definitely puts me to shame. She uses up her annual leave going to protests, cycles to work even in the pouring rain and is so passionate about what she does.
This isn't the first time I have been attracted to a woman. The last one was a few years ago. Both these women are very physically different. But there's something I can't quite pinpoint about her. I've never told anyone about this. I just don't know how they would react. I don't know what I am. But I think the fact that I had to fantasise about being in bed with a woman instead of TLOML in order to come says a hell of a lot. A couple of my friends know this. They just don't know it was women.
I won't complete personal info equality forms. I refused to be put in a box or seen through a certain perspective. So I refuse to define my sexuality in any terms. I like who I like, when I like. Long as the sex is mutually consensual and pleasurable, keep going.
I'm getting aroused just thinking about her. Not a good idea on the way into work. I won't do anything about this, as I think she's straight and also I work with her. So not breaking that rule. Time to suppress it and put on my game face.
7th November (posted later)
Hurting seems a particularly apt topic today given that it would have been mine and my ex's anniversary. Also the most recent guy's bday but I will nor be texting him. Why the hell would I?! Just seems kinda hard today.
There are a few cute guys at work but no way in hell am I going there. Regardless of the fact that I work with these people, I am self cogniscent enough to recognise that I just am not in the right place for a relationship. At least I am honouring what TLOML and I had by not replacing him. Yes I did get involved with someone rather quickly but looking back now, I just needed some comfort and a big manly frame to wrap around me. Now, where I'm at is, if I'm getting involved then it has to be the real thing.
I've felt this kind of pain only once before. When I split with the guy I lost my virginity to, after almost 3 years. I messed around with other guys and had a lot of fun, but then I got in a relationship for a year and half which just wasn't all there. A bloody struggle for most of the time. God knows what it did to him. So I know the emotional consequences of getting romantically involved too soon.
Not only that, but TLOML was to all extents and purposes my husband. I no longer live in our home with our pets. But neither does he. So that sucks.
I'm also very conscious of the fact that I have no relationship past 4 years. The idea of spending the next 4 years investing in something which will eventually fail and tear me up even more is not a prospect I relish. I will then be even older and unable to recover from more heartbreak.
At uni my friend predicted that I would have 3 marriages. Whether or not that includes TLOML remains to be seen. But the idea of going through this twice more is inconceivable. And making a fool of yourself 3 times saying in front of loved ones that you pledge forever? Embarrassing. Not to mention the waste of money.
The '3' prediction was matched by colleague when she read my palm. That prediction said 3 relationships so have I only got one more to be in? Or is more like 3 strikes and you're out?
One good thing has come of this though. My libido has gone securely back into hiding. Let's hope it stays there.
There are a few cute guys at work but no way in hell am I going there. Regardless of the fact that I work with these people, I am self cogniscent enough to recognise that I just am not in the right place for a relationship. At least I am honouring what TLOML and I had by not replacing him. Yes I did get involved with someone rather quickly but looking back now, I just needed some comfort and a big manly frame to wrap around me. Now, where I'm at is, if I'm getting involved then it has to be the real thing.
I've felt this kind of pain only once before. When I split with the guy I lost my virginity to, after almost 3 years. I messed around with other guys and had a lot of fun, but then I got in a relationship for a year and half which just wasn't all there. A bloody struggle for most of the time. God knows what it did to him. So I know the emotional consequences of getting romantically involved too soon.
Not only that, but TLOML was to all extents and purposes my husband. I no longer live in our home with our pets. But neither does he. So that sucks.
I'm also very conscious of the fact that I have no relationship past 4 years. The idea of spending the next 4 years investing in something which will eventually fail and tear me up even more is not a prospect I relish. I will then be even older and unable to recover from more heartbreak.
At uni my friend predicted that I would have 3 marriages. Whether or not that includes TLOML remains to be seen. But the idea of going through this twice more is inconceivable. And making a fool of yourself 3 times saying in front of loved ones that you pledge forever? Embarrassing. Not to mention the waste of money.
The '3' prediction was matched by colleague when she read my palm. That prediction said 3 relationships so have I only got one more to be in? Or is more like 3 strikes and you're out?
One good thing has come of this though. My libido has gone securely back into hiding. Let's hope it stays there.
14th October (posted later)
I think there's a strong correlation between intelligence and common sense
When I finally do date again, I want a real man, who is mature kind and a real adult.
Given that I'm not planning to date for a long time, he is going to have to wait for me, and prove he is worthy of me. I am not arrogant, I am not in love with myself, but I do deserve to be treated with respect and I want a man who is good enough for me. I am done with boys, overgrown manchilds, and losers who do not appreciate me for all that I am. I do not want a casual thing, nor a boring series of dates in which I find myself watching the clock. I want someone who I can love, without dramas, and who will not suppress me or stifle me personally or professionally. I want someone who will love me passionately. I am not and will not be seeking perfection, but just a decent human being. Waiting, and taking it slowly, is the way to go about achieving that. In 47 weeks time. Or maybe even later. Who knows, I might be happy celibate and end up extending it for another 6 months.
When I finally do date again, I want a real man, who is mature kind and a real adult.
Given that I'm not planning to date for a long time, he is going to have to wait for me, and prove he is worthy of me. I am not arrogant, I am not in love with myself, but I do deserve to be treated with respect and I want a man who is good enough for me. I am done with boys, overgrown manchilds, and losers who do not appreciate me for all that I am. I do not want a casual thing, nor a boring series of dates in which I find myself watching the clock. I want someone who I can love, without dramas, and who will not suppress me or stifle me personally or professionally. I want someone who will love me passionately. I am not and will not be seeking perfection, but just a decent human being. Waiting, and taking it slowly, is the way to go about achieving that. In 47 weeks time. Or maybe even later. Who knows, I might be happy celibate and end up extending it for another 6 months.
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Back to the fold
I've been a bad Phoenix of late. Very bad. I haven't posted anything in bloody ages; I've been too busy with work and I find it quite hard editing this blog on my iPhone. I've been writing every day, o and from London on the commute, but not got round to posting my musings.
I've also slipped a few times. I have been playing with myself a bit. I could use the excuse that it helps me get to sleep, which is the truth, but it's naughty when considering the objective of this exercise. I was supposed to be teaching myself how to live without any sexual / romantic / intimate contact at all, but maybe that is more difficult than I imagined. At the very least, I didn't realise how much I used sex as a de-stressor. But is that such a bad thing?
So the next few posts are of the last month and my thoughts. Reading them back as I post them up here, I am quite surprised by how up and down they are. I suppose that is natural. After a breakup your feelings for your ex invariably fluctuate. If any of these posts may strike you, dear reader, as bitter and self-indulgent, please remember they are not. I am not bitter. I'm just a few months on from what was esentially a divorce. And I am scared to love again. But then an advantage to that is, I have my life back and I am no longer someone's middle aged frumpy housewife.
I've also slipped a few times. I have been playing with myself a bit. I could use the excuse that it helps me get to sleep, which is the truth, but it's naughty when considering the objective of this exercise. I was supposed to be teaching myself how to live without any sexual / romantic / intimate contact at all, but maybe that is more difficult than I imagined. At the very least, I didn't realise how much I used sex as a de-stressor. But is that such a bad thing?
So the next few posts are of the last month and my thoughts. Reading them back as I post them up here, I am quite surprised by how up and down they are. I suppose that is natural. After a breakup your feelings for your ex invariably fluctuate. If any of these posts may strike you, dear reader, as bitter and self-indulgent, please remember they are not. I am not bitter. I'm just a few months on from what was esentially a divorce. And I am scared to love again. But then an advantage to that is, I have my life back and I am no longer someone's middle aged frumpy housewife.
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
Ageing ungracefully
Looking around the train carriage this morning, I am struck by the realisation that people inevitably get uglier as they get older.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, relationships are not based on looks, bla bla bla. But if physical intimacy is a key to sustaining a relationship how are you supposed to get aroused by the man who looks like the father in law you met 30 years ago and himself now resembles the man in the photograph?
After a while in a relationship sex can be a real effort. So how do you do it when you factor in a ridiculous commute, pressures at work and all the other demands which are an unfortunate consequence of adulthood?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, relationships are not based on looks, bla bla bla. But if physical intimacy is a key to sustaining a relationship how are you supposed to get aroused by the man who looks like the father in law you met 30 years ago and himself now resembles the man in the photograph?
After a while in a relationship sex can be a real effort. So how do you do it when you factor in a ridiculous commute, pressures at work and all the other demands which are an unfortunate consequence of adulthood?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)