This important Latin verb translates as, in wine, truth. Or as we say it in modern English, when you're drunk the truth comes out. In my experience that's very true, but then comes the fallout and hangover, in which we have to deal with drunken mistakes.
I've found recently that when my mind is not clouded with romantic complications, I can see things with a bit more perspective and I can actually see what I want from myself, from life and from those around me.
Don't get me wrong, I am still lusty, but this has been diminished somewhat. Whether this is due to a mental personal weekend (which at least showed me how strong I can be for those who need me) or the realisation that my vow to myself is more important than a reducing-every-day attraction to my colleague - which could never go anywhere given that I have 2 days left at work and will in all likelihood never see him again. Who knows. But at least I'm not being driven insane by carnal desires today. Which is a rather nice change from the other week!
When we diet, our willpower is stretched. Initially we are going crazy with that which is being denied to us, made all the more worse by the fact that it is a self-inflicted torture. Although for some the fact that they are controlling themselves gives them a buzz and helps to maintain the denial. After a time (different length for every person), we start to crave it less as it makes its way out our systems. Although I'm not sure this is the case with sex, given that a) I'm not addicted, b) we need sex for procreational and health reasons, c) sex is not something that is bad for you, and d) sex is not a substance which can make its way out of your body. As was recently pointed out to me, I can still have chocolate. But given that it is not chocolate I was craving, I don't want it. Factor in the fact that frequent chocolate makes you fat while frequent sex makes you slim, and I have yet another compelling reason to say no to Mr Galaxy. I am absolutely adamant that I will not replace one with the other.
Showing posts with label self-deprivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-deprivation. Show all posts
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Friday, 7 October 2011
Lock, stock, and totally without a cock
"Mr Braker. Today, my name, is Mr Braker". This line from Brit classic Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels sums up my mood today.
Undesirable. Today, my name is undesirable. Alternating between horny-as-hell, and not-being-able-to-do-anything-about-it-so-what's-the-point-in-being-horny. Not being able to flirt is kinda getting me down and I feel like an absolute frump. But what's really pissing me off is the realisation that I am so dependent on male attention for my self-esteem. So fucking pathetic. So much for Little Miss Independent.
I miss having someone. I miss kissing. I miss flirting. I miss the excitement that comes in the early days and he texts you. I miss dating. I miss anticipation, excitement and butterflies in the stomach.
But I miss sex. Passion, fireworks and earth-shattering orgasms. Whoever said it's better to have loved and lost than not loved at all is an absolute idiot. Especially considering my favourite time of year is coming (Halloween to Xmas) and I'll be spending it absolutely alone.
Undesirable. Today, my name is undesirable. Alternating between horny-as-hell, and not-being-able-to-do-anything-about-it-so-what's-the-point-in-being-horny. Not being able to flirt is kinda getting me down and I feel like an absolute frump. But what's really pissing me off is the realisation that I am so dependent on male attention for my self-esteem. So fucking pathetic. So much for Little Miss Independent.
I miss having someone. I miss kissing. I miss flirting. I miss the excitement that comes in the early days and he texts you. I miss dating. I miss anticipation, excitement and butterflies in the stomach.
But I miss sex. Passion, fireworks and earth-shattering orgasms. Whoever said it's better to have loved and lost than not loved at all is an absolute idiot. Especially considering my favourite time of year is coming (Halloween to Xmas) and I'll be spending it absolutely alone.
Sunday, 25 September 2011
Self-imposed singledom and seclusion
So, as the title un-pithily suggests, I am taking some time off from sex. A year, to be specific.
My decision to do this has stemmed from the shocking realisation that I have not been truly single in 10 years. 10 years of dating, bullshit and putting them first, over myself and my career, and sometimes even over my friends. A truth no-one wants to admit to, but let's face it we have all done it. It's pretty much impossible not to - they become your world and you the moon around them. Sound familiar? But when you wake up one day and don't even recognise yourself in the mirror, don't know what you have become or how you even got there, it's time to make a change. I also suffered a nasty sexual assault, but I have been involved with someone since. But these things combined to make me realise I needed some time off. A year to be precise.
Don't get me wrong, I will miss sex. I love sex - but sex when it is good, not dangerous or destructive. Sex in a loving, mutually trusting and safe environment. Risks which are calculated and agreed upon. This is not a life-long commitment, nor is it for religious reasons (though big respect to those who do this for those reasons). I plan to have sex again one day, but when I can handle it without getting so intoxicated by the heady power of it. My ex and I were extremely sexual and it got too much, it became addictive. The last time I had sex was with him, ex sex, and thats how it is staying. So thus begins a year of sel-imposed celibacy.
I suppose this is something like Josh Hartnett's character in 40 Days and 40 Nights. However there are several differences applicable here: One, mine is for a hell of a lot longer. Two, I doubt mine will be full of comedy moments. Three, I will not allow myself to think of anyone in this way, or meet anyone whilst doing this. Four, I am not a guy so I don't need to empty my balls every so often. But I can imagine there will be significant parallels in terms of sexual frustration. The imposition of my no-masturbation rule is going to be fucking tough (if you'll pardon the pun), but necessary - how can I cut sex out of my life if I still have a healthy sexual imagination? It would be like being a vegetarian and still eating beef, or being on a diet but eating a whole cake every day. Pointless, and likely to lead to falling off the wagon. Well I intend to stay firmly on the wagon to singlesville, yessir.
To channel my frustrations, and to keep myself on course, I intend to blog about my experiences. I doubt many people I know would understand my decision to do this, given just how fantastic and necessary sex is. Some of my girlfriends might even think I am abstaining in order to meet Mr Right and for us to fall deeply in love without the complication of sex, but I am somewhat more realistic than that. Guys rarely if ever fall in love with a woman without having had sex with her, despite what popular media might have us believe. But this isn't about a guy, this is about me. For the first time in 10 years, I can honestly say there is no-one in my life, and no-one I am thinking about getting involved with.
The only question is, how the hell am I actually going to have the willpower to do this??? Somehow I think conversations with my girlfriends about their men and their habits are going to be tough to take. And whats the old saying - as soon as you close one door you open a window? And you're most attractive when you're not available? Nights out should be fun. But if I can sustain this for a year, as planned, then I can prove to myself I can do anything. If I do happen to meet a guy along the way, he can wait. As children and teenagers we are always told if he is decent he will wait. If not, he is not worth it. Given how crappy my taste in men can be, avoiding the bad ones will be a welcome respite.
My decision to do this has stemmed from the shocking realisation that I have not been truly single in 10 years. 10 years of dating, bullshit and putting them first, over myself and my career, and sometimes even over my friends. A truth no-one wants to admit to, but let's face it we have all done it. It's pretty much impossible not to - they become your world and you the moon around them. Sound familiar? But when you wake up one day and don't even recognise yourself in the mirror, don't know what you have become or how you even got there, it's time to make a change. I also suffered a nasty sexual assault, but I have been involved with someone since. But these things combined to make me realise I needed some time off. A year to be precise.
Don't get me wrong, I will miss sex. I love sex - but sex when it is good, not dangerous or destructive. Sex in a loving, mutually trusting and safe environment. Risks which are calculated and agreed upon. This is not a life-long commitment, nor is it for religious reasons (though big respect to those who do this for those reasons). I plan to have sex again one day, but when I can handle it without getting so intoxicated by the heady power of it. My ex and I were extremely sexual and it got too much, it became addictive. The last time I had sex was with him, ex sex, and thats how it is staying. So thus begins a year of sel-imposed celibacy.
I suppose this is something like Josh Hartnett's character in 40 Days and 40 Nights. However there are several differences applicable here: One, mine is for a hell of a lot longer. Two, I doubt mine will be full of comedy moments. Three, I will not allow myself to think of anyone in this way, or meet anyone whilst doing this. Four, I am not a guy so I don't need to empty my balls every so often. But I can imagine there will be significant parallels in terms of sexual frustration. The imposition of my no-masturbation rule is going to be fucking tough (if you'll pardon the pun), but necessary - how can I cut sex out of my life if I still have a healthy sexual imagination? It would be like being a vegetarian and still eating beef, or being on a diet but eating a whole cake every day. Pointless, and likely to lead to falling off the wagon. Well I intend to stay firmly on the wagon to singlesville, yessir.
To channel my frustrations, and to keep myself on course, I intend to blog about my experiences. I doubt many people I know would understand my decision to do this, given just how fantastic and necessary sex is. Some of my girlfriends might even think I am abstaining in order to meet Mr Right and for us to fall deeply in love without the complication of sex, but I am somewhat more realistic than that. Guys rarely if ever fall in love with a woman without having had sex with her, despite what popular media might have us believe. But this isn't about a guy, this is about me. For the first time in 10 years, I can honestly say there is no-one in my life, and no-one I am thinking about getting involved with.
The only question is, how the hell am I actually going to have the willpower to do this??? Somehow I think conversations with my girlfriends about their men and their habits are going to be tough to take. And whats the old saying - as soon as you close one door you open a window? And you're most attractive when you're not available? Nights out should be fun. But if I can sustain this for a year, as planned, then I can prove to myself I can do anything. If I do happen to meet a guy along the way, he can wait. As children and teenagers we are always told if he is decent he will wait. If not, he is not worth it. Given how crappy my taste in men can be, avoiding the bad ones will be a welcome respite.
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