Ouch - 30th November

So a text row with my ex wasn't exactly the way I wanted to spend my day off. Hardly a relaxing Saturday.
Much as I think he should be considering my point of view, I get why he feels the way he feels and I wish I could take the hurt away. But our split was not out of the blue and he's kidding himself that there were no clues and I am the wicked witch of Essex.
But I do miss him. And I'm hurting knowing how bad he feels. His emotions are tied to mine, he is the love of my life. But I love him too much to settle and get back with him. I wouldn't be happy and neither would he. He deserves someone who loves him and wants the same things he does. At the moment, I want a career. And a good figure. A fuck buddy would be nice, but let's not be greedy. I want to stick to my vow, because I'll feel an utter failure if I don't. Plus I feel pretty fat right now so getting naked = self consciousness and that is not a turn on.  And reason three, I have no potentials. There's a few cute guys at work, but that would be a recipe for utter disaster. Especially if it went wrong and/or public.
There's one guy in particular who says hi. He seems sweet, a bit geeky, nice eyes. Just my previous type. He's kinda cute. And a nice distraction from the doldrums of the photocopier. He has thick glossy slightly-too-long hair which I really want to run my hands through. I like guys with hair. But I'm not sure I actually fancy him or if I'm just a bit bored. Or maybe I go for guys slightly below me because of confidence issues. But hot guys don't really want me. Them's the breaks.
I know it's not ladylike to admit you don't want marriage, that you love sex and it takes a lot for a guy to keep you satisfied. But at least I have the courage of conviction to look inside myself and be honest. I want to play around, date a bunch of people and laugh. Have fun. Be free of marital and domestic chains which have weighed me down for so long. The thing I know I want to not do is hurt people. There's no need to intentionally cause someone else pain.

The problem with going shopping for a particular dress is you never find it. That is unless you already have selected it and know it fits. But even then the store might have run out of your size or colour. It's when you are just browsing, not on a mission, that you find something fabulous or a bargain. Or you go to purchase something you saw in a magazine and realise how ugly it is once in your hands.
All of the above can be applied to dating. Prowling, selecting and pouncing. Cat metaphors seem oddly appropriate. But what I'd really like to do is date a few, casually see how it goes and just have fun with a few guys (note-DATE, not fuck). But this presents 2 problems - one, I'd break my vow (as it's to do with all romantic escapades, not just sex). And two, there are no prospects. That fact is slightly depressing, but I see it as part of everything happens for a reason - I need to be single so I can have fun, get fit, save some money, and focus on my career. To those who might consider that a poor replacement for love, consider this - it was ten years of dating which got me into such a mess in the first place. I was essentially a married middle aged woman, which was the fault of both of us. No doubt me becoming what he actually wanted was a turn off - once the anticipation is gone and you have nothing to push for, you get bored very quickly. I know this fact from personal experience.

Reading through this, I've realised perhaps I am on the defensive because I am heartbroken it didn't work out with my ex, because I invested so much and always believed it would get better. But with only one of us willing to make any changes, we didn't have a chance. And I am not laying down and dying, I am picking myself up and starting again. A Phoenix from the flames. But a casual fling or three would sure take the edge off. And sex is good for you, it's a medically proven fact. So I guess I'll stick with 5 fruit and veg a day. It just sucks to be starving myself when I am such a passionate, sexual person. Especially when I think I have been doing this months now, and I'm still craving sex. But I think crap sex would make me feel even worse, so I'll wait for a good fuck to come along. Next year. And when I do, I will bloody well enjoy it.