I was talking to one of my gays and he pointed out that although my not being interested is a challenge for guys to break, as well as feeding into their damsel in distress macho approach, at least I am being honest. That is one thing so many people, of all sexual persuasions, are not. I have no desire to meet someone and string them along just to bolster my self esteem. It can hang out in the dirt, it's been there long enough. I also cannot bring myself to inflict pain on another person who might actually care for me. Given that this is a situation I am currently trying to diplomatically and delicately at work and it is bloody exhausting because I like both these guys and get on really well them. But I do wonder how much they are being nice because they are into me. They don't strike me as The wanker type but you never can be sure. And the last thing I need at work is a shitty reputation.
I guess the truth is that I just don't believe I will ever be loved as much as my ex did, nor do I think my karma is good enough to deserve love again. If I had good karma, it would have worked out. I am not saying this to wallow or bemoan my poor lot in life. I just don't think I am young enough to make any more romantic mistakes. I don't have time. So therefore rather than get into something, I'd rather avoid it altogether.
Love bends you, love breaks you, love twists you into contortions you never thought imaginable. But love will never save you from yourself. Look at Jordan.
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