Um, when did Barbie become the ultimate pin-up?

The Only Way is Essex gave me some real food for thought tonight.  In this episode Gemma runs into her ex and his gay best friend before going to a dinner party with her new man, and Lauren P goes on a date to a vineyard – albeit in ridiculously inappropriate footwear. 

I would like to point out that I actually rather like some of the TOWIE lot – not that I am a regular viewer, I hasten to add.  But I am still off sick from work and cannot bring myself to endure the daily travails of Jeremy Kyle, so a little voyeurism courtesy of ITV2 seems acceptable.  Anyway, you can pick up where you left off several seasons ago and still follow what’s going on – helped by the names popping up when they come on screen.  Sam seems sweet, Jess seems really intelligent and grounded, Gemma wears her heart on her sleeve and Lydia is rather gorgeous.  But they are on a tv show, and as much as it’s referred to as a reality show, I find myself thinking about just how ‘real’ they are.  Yet having grown up in Essex, I know that even if they weren’t on the show, they would still be fake.  The show is popular because it purportedly shows the inside of Essex life, but the truth is it isn’t like that for the overwhelming majority of people.  Most people don’t have their own business at the age of 21 here.  Yet despite the varying degrees of falsity among the characters/participants, there is quite a lot that the average viewer can relate to. 

There’s the girl who feels her only value is in being decorative, and is careful not to sound too intelligent in front of guys.  She giggles in all the right places, dresses sexily, has extensive plastic surgery and is everything a guy could want on his arm.  She makes him feel like ‘the big I am’.  Yet she has an obsessive-compulsive disorder for whatever reason – probably linked to control and self-esteem (I surmise).  Then there’s the fat girl who feels so unattractive next to her skinny pretty friends, so she feels she has to be uber-sexual and flaunting her chemistry with her new man to show that she has ‘got it’ as much as her mates.  Too much information, and way too much public affection.  Tonsil tennis does not real passion and intimacy convey. 

But how much do guys outside of Essex want a woman that has to pull pretty much everything off before she goes to bed?  And how have we become convinced that imitating Jordan is sexy, when she is perennially trashed in magazines?  At what point did Barbie become the number one icon? 

This aside, I think part of the reason I’ve not had any luck with the dating – as well as the fact that I’m picky and don’t really truly want a relationship right now – is that I am a little bit fat.  Whenever I’ve said this to my friends before they have pointed out that I am in proportion and how much they want my boobs.  They tell me I’m gorgeous and curvy, not fat.  And I really do appreciate their morale boosts.  But I also know what the scales and the dress sizes say. 

Right now this isn’t about me wanting to be skinny to get a boyfriend.  I’ve been all the sizes between 8 and 20 (I still can’t believe I let myself get so big) and still managed to have a busy love life.  Not necessarily a fulfilling love life (as is pretty obvious from older blog posts) but I’ve been a busy girl the last 10 years.  Having lost 40 pounds, I still have a fair few to go until I reach my goal.  Hopefully the boobs will shrink a bit too, and I'll get taken a little more seriously.  Because even dressing conservatively in work clothes makes me look like a sexy secretary.  They are that big, that no matter what I wear they are prominent.  It would be nice if this were not the case, as I have no desire to look like Pamela Anderson - the original pin-up girl of my generation.  Yes she may have been sexy, but I don't think true sexiness comes from a bottle and some silicone, nor has she advanced the cause of feminism.  Perhaps smaller boobs would attract a more refined class of men.  Yet it’s really not about becoming more attractive to the opposite sex.  It’s about feeling my age and not prematurely middle aged.  It’s about regaining my confidence and making my body move in ways it used to; reconnecting to my muscles and feeling the strength and power in them.  Being alive in every way.

You have to reconcile your past in order to confront your future.  I’ve spent the last few months with my head finally out of my arse and looking back on everything.  When I started the celibacy it was to be introspective regarding my relationship behaviours.  But recently I’ve been reflecting on everything – my whole life since I was 8.  And the truth is, I’ve been searching for a replacement since I gave up my true love – dancing.  I followed the path I thought I should because my dad instilled in me the idea that academia is the be all and end all.  I don’t blame him for this – it’s worthwhile having qualifications.  But art, music, dance, textiles – I may not have been very good at them but I loved them.  So now it’s about reconnecting with my passions and enjoying my free time.  Going straight from uni to cohabiting whilst struggling to get work may be a common path, but it’s not surprising I felt so empty.  And carrying on the Madchester behaviour learned in college and enhanced at uni just didn’t quite take it away.  But this recognition of self and retrospective analysis of my mistakes and achievements has really helped me feel clearer about what I want.  I can’t go back, and I can’t regret everything up til now.  But I can learn from my mistakes and use the time now and my future to be who and how I want to be. I might not always remember this, but the fact I am reminding myself of it frequently shows my thought train is going in the right direction. 

So back to relationships.  Usher wanted “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed”.  I don’t want an Essex guy, but I wonder how much men from other places want a model-type?  Do London barristers want a Barbie, or do they want a woman who is intellectually equal to them yet is only a 5 in a cocktail dress and full makeup?  Or perhaps it is about confidence?  And looking like you care about yourself enough to be reasonably healthy.  And in contemporary culture being thin (regardless of how it is achieved) is equated to being healthy.  Being slim doesn’t make you an idiot.  Being fat doesn’t make you intelligent.  It’s about how you treat others.  And unfortunately a little bit of being ‘sexy’ is what is required to attract men.  But to keep them, there has to be something more going on.  Or perhaps not.  But if you want to be with a smart guy, you can’t really be a bimbo – unless that’s what he is looking for.  In which case he is shallow and thus not good enough.

Despite the convoluted ramblings above, the main thing is that you don’t try to change who you are for a guy.  Because Mummy was right when she told us years ago, if he’s worth it, he’ll love you just the way you are.  Being the best person you can be is always a good idea.  But trying to live for someone else, be what they want you to be – just leads to misery, unhappiness and the inability to recognise yourself in the mirror.  Getting the chance to recognise your mistakes is a blessing.  Having the opportunity to change your life for the better is amazing. And maybe at some point I'll meet a guy who will be good enough for me - and isn't into the Essex stereotype.  But for now, celibacy is working out pretty damn well.