On my birthday (well just slightly after), despite suffering
from lurgy, I gave myself the best present ever. Forgiveness . It’s a wonderful feeling. I had to go to my ex’s to pick up some
birthday presents which had been delivered to his. We hadn’t spoken in nearly 5 months. Though it may not have been illegal to drive
in my delicate green condition, it probably wasn’t the best idea. But I needed to pick up my presents and I was
damned if I was going to wait a few days until I felt better. The stress of psyching myself up to seeing
him would have made me feel worse. It
had already ruined my sleep the night he text me to tell me, and waiting all
day until the mutually agreed time was making my poor stomach even more
nauseous. I ended it nearly a year ago, but we hadn’t
managed to maintain even basic communication.
Not my proudest behaviour, but I’ll be honest – I was hurting. As does anyone going through a breakup. Hence, the nerves. But once I saw him, it was okay. We chatted and caught up on what each other
was up to. We updated each other on our
friends. We both apologised to one
another. And we hugged each other
goodbye.
On the drive home, I felt peace for the first time in a
while. The truth is that while I have
changed, grown and (hopefully) become a better person, he’s stayed the
same. He’s still on the same path he was
on during our relationship. I tried to
help him for so long, but you can’t save everyone. And I’m not his mother. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel the perverse
sense of satisfaction when you see an ex and they are doing worse than
you. I wish good things for him. But I also know I did the right thing for me. There’s only so many months you can lie awake
crying yourself to sleep because you can’t afford to leave a life which makes
you miserable.
I guess I finally GET that as much as he was a good person, he
wasn’t right for me. I don’t really
believe in monogamy, and I don’t believe in the concept of Mr Right. But I do believe in Mr Right Now and pleasure. I may not have found it yet, and I am done
searching, because I want to focus on me.
Academia, socialising, hobbies, culture, experiences. I left because I wanted more. Have I got it? Tough to say definitively. Do I have the opportunity to achieve what I want and not feel held back by another? Absolutely. Is the drive ambition and passion which powered me as a fiesty teen returning? Slowly, but yes, bit by bit.
Was it my fault it ended? No. Could I have done more? No. Would I have been happier staying? No. Would he be happier if we'd stayed together? I truly believe not.
I've let go of the guilt and self-loathing caused by believing it was all my fault. it was just another one of life's lessons. The only constant in life is change. All we can do is treat others as well as possible.
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