I'm sure some people will be disappointed with my decision to break my celibacy. Fair play to them. But I truly don't regret it. It was the right thing for me, I was in control and he was very respectful. This is vitally important. I'm glad I broke my celibacy to someone I trust, someone conventionally sexy, and someone I feel safe with. That's underrated and undervalued. Just wish I hadn't had to go home smelling of sex.... and covering up a hickey for 3 days. Oops. Felt like such a teenager!
The best thing is it has given me back my faith that there are some good people out there, and that I can be in charge of what I do and don't want.
The idea of kissing lots of frogs to find your prince still grates on me though, don't buy into that! The most important thing is friendship and if something else develops, that's just fantastic. But to quote Carrie Bradshaw (oh dear lord help me...) - the relationship you have with yourself is the most important one. And I think me and myself are getting on extremely well right now.
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Entering the unknown...
So day one of the online dating experiment was an interesting one. Having resolved again that I will not date colleagues, and being conscious that when you randomly meet a guy you have no clue as to their intentions, I thought what the heck. At least all the people on there are looking for the same thing - or they wouldn't have paid to join. Speaking of which..... having paid for a 3 month membership after a few glasses of wine, it seemed logical to actually use what I had paid for.
48 hours ago you would have found me poo-pooing the idea of online dating. I saw it as for losers, pervs, ugly beasts and those looking for a virtual affair as a form of escapism.
Very judgemental of me. I'd heard from several people that it was good but I was still suspicious of why a good looking attractive man would go on there instead of meeting a woman in the real world.
Having now been commuting to London for work, I totally get it. This city, much as I love it, is cold and lonely. Its hard to make a connection.
I don't date friends of friends, I won't meet a guy in a bar and I no longer date colleagues - this summer notwithstanding, it's been over 4.5 years since my last colleague. (makes me sound like a recovering addict!) I have no interest in getting hit on on the commute, and show me a relationship that started on the tube that lasted (dating website set at the station not being a realistic portrayal of the commuters life). So that reduces the options somewhat.
I was really skeptical about doing it, but I took a new photo and put it up. I also put, in the interests of honesty, 'love rugby hate football'. A few hours later I had a few messages. And lots of flirts. Flirts are nice, but I want to engage with someone who can communicate and has a brain. If you don't have the balls to message me properly, how will you ever ask me out? I'm still averse to it as a concept because of it seeming like catalogue shopping, but once you get talking it's ok. And if you don't like them you can end the conversation. Far easier than getting involved with someone you know, starting something and realising you don't want it, before you go too far down that road and can't come back from there.
But I was surprised to get any messages given the British male penchant for football.
I asked my friend about the etiquette of online dating (he's a big fan). He said you can arrange to meet, and if you don't want to see them again you can politely email them. Much easier than face to face. I was advised to meet as soon as possible, but having exchanged a few messages I'm enjoying that you can have a bit of a conversation without the pressure.
And the great thing is you can ignore the weirdos. But it would be nice to see them with their friends to make a personality assessment.
Of 23 guys who messaged me, I maintained conversation with 9. Not a bad return. The guys who wrote 'you're so beautiful' didn't get responses. The ancient perv with communication issues got blocked. I am not your baby, and no I don't want to make you happy. Go back to your mother.
I'm not naive enough to think guys speak to you and only you. If I'm chatting to 9, they're probably having multiple conversations. And I'm cool with that.
I'm also extremely conscious of safety and so won't give out my number, and I'll not meet anyone anywhere dodgy (if I get asked). I'm also preferential to those in uniform, as they tend to be the ones with most to lose if they fuck around. Plus my brother is in the Met so I can get him to find out if the guy is a douche. It's a self-protection thing. Also they tend to have a certain mentality of public duty which I like. I'm all about public service. And I get why cops have to date online, as their shift patterns suck! But at least the hours they work mean you'd still get your own time.
I'm fully aware that they may not be what they depict themselves as. So I'm waving my hackles. The ones who are open and frank, can respond articulately and politely, are the ones I'll continue talking to. And good grammar is a deal breaker for me!
It's interesting being notified when someone views your profile, especially when they've seen you a few times. It's made me realise how much some guys are on there. But I suppose it's comparable to some people's use of Facebook. Although with online dating you get a faster response.
I could write a soliloquy about the tragedy of modern day communication and socialising but I'll just say that modern technology helps you keep up to date with friends who are far away. But the Internet is no replacement for face to face socialising.
For the sake of my phone bill I'm trying not to go on there during the commute, and 4 hours a day seems a bit excessive. So I'll make myself wait til I get in tonight and see what else has come up. I have a few messages to reply to already and I'll do that later. Plus on an iPhone it's not as easy! But say one thing for it - writing this has kept me occupied almost a my commute this morning. Not bad.
The reality is, I can't just lock myself in a tower and eschew contact with the other sex. I don't truly believe that a prince will ride along, slay the dragon and save me. Disney's coveted concept of a perfect love which saves you from yourself is what got me into this mess originally. As much as my cynical side knows the reality of the world, I do believe that i fell in love with my ex as a release from previous dating siasters and to make cold nights a little warmer. So I hit the pause button, took almost 6 months out from men and feel a hell of a lot stronger in myself and better for it. I'm happy single and just enjoying talking to people and seeing what develops - no pressure, no dramas. I think the next person I sleep with will be a slow build up, developing naturally and no rush to the finish line. But the point of the celibacy was to change my behaviours and not have sex, and I've stuck to that. So maybe a little conversation is ok.
48 hours ago you would have found me poo-pooing the idea of online dating. I saw it as for losers, pervs, ugly beasts and those looking for a virtual affair as a form of escapism.
Very judgemental of me. I'd heard from several people that it was good but I was still suspicious of why a good looking attractive man would go on there instead of meeting a woman in the real world.
Having now been commuting to London for work, I totally get it. This city, much as I love it, is cold and lonely. Its hard to make a connection.
I don't date friends of friends, I won't meet a guy in a bar and I no longer date colleagues - this summer notwithstanding, it's been over 4.5 years since my last colleague. (makes me sound like a recovering addict!) I have no interest in getting hit on on the commute, and show me a relationship that started on the tube that lasted (dating website set at the station not being a realistic portrayal of the commuters life). So that reduces the options somewhat.
I was really skeptical about doing it, but I took a new photo and put it up. I also put, in the interests of honesty, 'love rugby hate football'. A few hours later I had a few messages. And lots of flirts. Flirts are nice, but I want to engage with someone who can communicate and has a brain. If you don't have the balls to message me properly, how will you ever ask me out? I'm still averse to it as a concept because of it seeming like catalogue shopping, but once you get talking it's ok. And if you don't like them you can end the conversation. Far easier than getting involved with someone you know, starting something and realising you don't want it, before you go too far down that road and can't come back from there.
But I was surprised to get any messages given the British male penchant for football.
I asked my friend about the etiquette of online dating (he's a big fan). He said you can arrange to meet, and if you don't want to see them again you can politely email them. Much easier than face to face. I was advised to meet as soon as possible, but having exchanged a few messages I'm enjoying that you can have a bit of a conversation without the pressure.
And the great thing is you can ignore the weirdos. But it would be nice to see them with their friends to make a personality assessment.
Of 23 guys who messaged me, I maintained conversation with 9. Not a bad return. The guys who wrote 'you're so beautiful' didn't get responses. The ancient perv with communication issues got blocked. I am not your baby, and no I don't want to make you happy. Go back to your mother.
I'm not naive enough to think guys speak to you and only you. If I'm chatting to 9, they're probably having multiple conversations. And I'm cool with that.
I'm also extremely conscious of safety and so won't give out my number, and I'll not meet anyone anywhere dodgy (if I get asked). I'm also preferential to those in uniform, as they tend to be the ones with most to lose if they fuck around. Plus my brother is in the Met so I can get him to find out if the guy is a douche. It's a self-protection thing. Also they tend to have a certain mentality of public duty which I like. I'm all about public service. And I get why cops have to date online, as their shift patterns suck! But at least the hours they work mean you'd still get your own time.
I'm fully aware that they may not be what they depict themselves as. So I'm waving my hackles. The ones who are open and frank, can respond articulately and politely, are the ones I'll continue talking to. And good grammar is a deal breaker for me!
It's interesting being notified when someone views your profile, especially when they've seen you a few times. It's made me realise how much some guys are on there. But I suppose it's comparable to some people's use of Facebook. Although with online dating you get a faster response.
I could write a soliloquy about the tragedy of modern day communication and socialising but I'll just say that modern technology helps you keep up to date with friends who are far away. But the Internet is no replacement for face to face socialising.
For the sake of my phone bill I'm trying not to go on there during the commute, and 4 hours a day seems a bit excessive. So I'll make myself wait til I get in tonight and see what else has come up. I have a few messages to reply to already and I'll do that later. Plus on an iPhone it's not as easy! But say one thing for it - writing this has kept me occupied almost a my commute this morning. Not bad.
The reality is, I can't just lock myself in a tower and eschew contact with the other sex. I don't truly believe that a prince will ride along, slay the dragon and save me. Disney's coveted concept of a perfect love which saves you from yourself is what got me into this mess originally. As much as my cynical side knows the reality of the world, I do believe that i fell in love with my ex as a release from previous dating siasters and to make cold nights a little warmer. So I hit the pause button, took almost 6 months out from men and feel a hell of a lot stronger in myself and better for it. I'm happy single and just enjoying talking to people and seeing what develops - no pressure, no dramas. I think the next person I sleep with will be a slow build up, developing naturally and no rush to the finish line. But the point of the celibacy was to change my behaviours and not have sex, and I've stuck to that. So maybe a little conversation is ok.
Online exploration prompts a host of deep and meaningfuls...
My entrance into the world of Internet dating has made me consider a host of questions. But the most pressing one is - is online cheating, really cheating?
Conventional wisdom teaches us that physical contact with another person is cheating. Jeremy Kyle certainly has a scale of cheating. But what about emotional cheating?
Many women and probably not a few men would consider emotional closeness to another to constitute cheating. But we all have friends and so how is chatting to someone online and getting close to them any different to growing closer to a friend of the opposite sex in the real world? It's never possible to categorise all of your relationships (including platonic and familial) and to do so would undermine their complexity. Life comes in many shades of grey.
Maybe I'm a bit abnormal. I don't get jealous. He can do what he wants, but don't expect me to stick around and put up with your bullshit. Twice now I have stuck when I wanted to run, committed more than I thought I ever could, but eventually enough is enough. And when I find myself succumbing to the desire I have been fighting for so long, that's when I know its time to leave.
I'm not proud of it, but I have cheated on 2 boyfriends. Both the ones I count as full-flung, proper relationships. Or perhaps the only 2 I have truly loved.
Whenever I've cheated in the past I have left him. I don't tell him because I don't believe in making him feel worse to ease my conscience. If anything, that would make it harder - knowing how truly I had devastated him.
If a guy wants to cheat, I can't stop him. But he'll lose me. I couldn't be in a relationship post infidelity. If it was a one off mistake, and we had kids I'd leave. But I guess you can't make that decision until you're in that situation faced with all the relevant factors.
But I can't imagine being that old. I look at my colleague who graduated my uni 5 years before I should have. She's married and successful in her career. No kids yet. But I just can't contemplate being that old and being a mother. I would like it but not yet.
As my dear friend pointed out the other, life has an uncanny knack of not playing by our rules.
Conventional wisdom teaches us that physical contact with another person is cheating. Jeremy Kyle certainly has a scale of cheating. But what about emotional cheating?
Many women and probably not a few men would consider emotional closeness to another to constitute cheating. But we all have friends and so how is chatting to someone online and getting close to them any different to growing closer to a friend of the opposite sex in the real world? It's never possible to categorise all of your relationships (including platonic and familial) and to do so would undermine their complexity. Life comes in many shades of grey.
Maybe I'm a bit abnormal. I don't get jealous. He can do what he wants, but don't expect me to stick around and put up with your bullshit. Twice now I have stuck when I wanted to run, committed more than I thought I ever could, but eventually enough is enough. And when I find myself succumbing to the desire I have been fighting for so long, that's when I know its time to leave.
I'm not proud of it, but I have cheated on 2 boyfriends. Both the ones I count as full-flung, proper relationships. Or perhaps the only 2 I have truly loved.
Whenever I've cheated in the past I have left him. I don't tell him because I don't believe in making him feel worse to ease my conscience. If anything, that would make it harder - knowing how truly I had devastated him.
If a guy wants to cheat, I can't stop him. But he'll lose me. I couldn't be in a relationship post infidelity. If it was a one off mistake, and we had kids I'd leave. But I guess you can't make that decision until you're in that situation faced with all the relevant factors.
But I can't imagine being that old. I look at my colleague who graduated my uni 5 years before I should have. She's married and successful in her career. No kids yet. But I just can't contemplate being that old and being a mother. I would like it but not yet.
As my dear friend pointed out the other, life has an uncanny knack of not playing by our rules.
Falling off the wagon
When you fall off the wagon, you might as well do it spectacularly. This week has been a lot of fun for me. And I have absolutely no regrets.
I enjoy sex. I enjoy passion. It makes me happier, makes me calmer. I don't regret breaking my celibacy because I felt so much calmer after getting laid, and knowing that I didn't feel anything for mcsexy when he kissed me, I had no danger of getting emotionally hurt. We've spoken quite a bit since, so I think our friendship will be fine. The initial problem with him was I didn't know what his intentions were, but we had a huge talk which resolved everything. I can definitely see us being good friends, but nothing more. I just don't feel it for him. He's keen for us to leave it open for repetition on my terms,which is sweet, and it's nice to know I have the option. But I doubt I will, purely because there's no spark. And he wasn't 7 inches.... I believe the expression is, all mouth no trousers.
But I do trust him in a strange way, it's like the sex cleared the air - for me at least. And I no longer feel like a mortal next to his Adonis, I think I have bigger balls than him. He's certainly more of a woman than I am! And such a control freak...!
But I digress. I enjoy the fun of giant make out sessions, knowing it can't lead to sex because you're in public. It reminds me of teenage innocence, when your hormones start to take over and you can't control them.
But after almost 6 months on the wagon, I'm back in control. I have no intention of getting hurt again. But dating is fun, when there is no pressure. And everyone on dating websites knows it's not monogamous, we're all communicating with multiple people.
The major difference this time round is, I'm content in myself. I'm not on my phone every 5 minutes waiting for a guy to call. I'm taking my sweet time and being choosy. Not rushing anything, because I'm not looking for love. Just fun and laughter. And some sexual chemistry.
My friend said my love life is like an episode of satc. It is. And I like it.
Before my celibacy I put love over all else. It would affect everything. Now, despite only 4 hours sleep I forced myself to work and achieve my days objectives. Before I would have called in sick.
I enjoy sex. I enjoy passion. It makes me happier, makes me calmer. I don't regret breaking my celibacy because I felt so much calmer after getting laid, and knowing that I didn't feel anything for mcsexy when he kissed me, I had no danger of getting emotionally hurt. We've spoken quite a bit since, so I think our friendship will be fine. The initial problem with him was I didn't know what his intentions were, but we had a huge talk which resolved everything. I can definitely see us being good friends, but nothing more. I just don't feel it for him. He's keen for us to leave it open for repetition on my terms,which is sweet, and it's nice to know I have the option. But I doubt I will, purely because there's no spark. And he wasn't 7 inches.... I believe the expression is, all mouth no trousers.
But I do trust him in a strange way, it's like the sex cleared the air - for me at least. And I no longer feel like a mortal next to his Adonis, I think I have bigger balls than him. He's certainly more of a woman than I am! And such a control freak...!
But I digress. I enjoy the fun of giant make out sessions, knowing it can't lead to sex because you're in public. It reminds me of teenage innocence, when your hormones start to take over and you can't control them.
But after almost 6 months on the wagon, I'm back in control. I have no intention of getting hurt again. But dating is fun, when there is no pressure. And everyone on dating websites knows it's not monogamous, we're all communicating with multiple people.
The major difference this time round is, I'm content in myself. I'm not on my phone every 5 minutes waiting for a guy to call. I'm taking my sweet time and being choosy. Not rushing anything, because I'm not looking for love. Just fun and laughter. And some sexual chemistry.
My friend said my love life is like an episode of satc. It is. And I like it.
Before my celibacy I put love over all else. It would affect everything. Now, despite only 4 hours sleep I forced myself to work and achieve my days objectives. Before I would have called in sick.
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Apology
So, I have a huge apology to make. To Mcsexy. Turns out I read him all wrong. To be fair, my conclusions were seemingly justified and shared by a friend of mine, but having spent time with him getting to know him and having a laugh, it turns out i totally pre-judged him.
We all have a public persona. Certain elements of ourselves we magnify and project. A good persona is a defense mechanism; helps stop people seeing your weaker side. If you're a proud person, like both he and I are, you don't want to be seen as incapable or fragile.
But he is a much better guy than I gave him credit for. And Im embarassed at how little I had thought of him. Goes to show I was being judgemental when I really had no right to be.
The truth is, I would be happy to have him as a friend in my life. Because he is surprisingly sweet and good. Not a bastard, not a player, not a shit.
Sorry honey.
We all have a public persona. Certain elements of ourselves we magnify and project. A good persona is a defense mechanism; helps stop people seeing your weaker side. If you're a proud person, like both he and I are, you don't want to be seen as incapable or fragile.
But he is a much better guy than I gave him credit for. And Im embarassed at how little I had thought of him. Goes to show I was being judgemental when I really had no right to be.
The truth is, I would be happy to have him as a friend in my life. Because he is surprisingly sweet and good. Not a bastard, not a player, not a shit.
Sorry honey.
Thursday, 5 January 2012
Decisions
I'm still feeling pretty contented. And it's lovely. I feel like maybe I'm not being so hard on myself anymore.
I'm thinking of easing back on the rules and slowly allowing men into my life. As in very slowly. Whilst maintaining my celibacy. But it has been months now, and I'm thinking friendships with guys wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. I have to learn to trust again. Not really sure how realistic a year of nothing whatsoever is...? And I know my behaviour has changed, which was the objective of the exercise - that and not getting hurt again.
But these are just thoughts. And I'm absolutely adamant I will stick to my resolution and go back to school. Whatever happens, I will not become subsumed by a man again. And I'm a lot stronger for my singledom. And I want to stay that way.
I'm thinking of easing back on the rules and slowly allowing men into my life. As in very slowly. Whilst maintaining my celibacy. But it has been months now, and I'm thinking friendships with guys wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. I have to learn to trust again. Not really sure how realistic a year of nothing whatsoever is...? And I know my behaviour has changed, which was the objective of the exercise - that and not getting hurt again.
But these are just thoughts. And I'm absolutely adamant I will stick to my resolution and go back to school. Whatever happens, I will not become subsumed by a man again. And I'm a lot stronger for my singledom. And I want to stay that way.
Monday, 2 January 2012
Contented - finally!
You cant plan who you fall in love with. You never know who you will meet and what will transpire between you.
When there's too much build-up, talk-up or hype around something, it inevitably leads to disappointment. Not only that but so much drama is annoying and I think I am too old for it.
Admittedly a little part of me hoped for a text from mcsexy on nye. But I really wasn't surprised not to get one. I didn't send him one as I didn't want him to just assume his is 'in there'. And my overwhelming sense was of this is just too much game.
I know many women won't text a guy first but that's not me. I don't believe in playing games. If someone texts me - no matter who - I get back to them as soon as I can. So the will he won't he routine is tiresome.
The new year is the perfect time to set new rules for yourself. But the nicest thing is realising this celibacy is achieving its purpose. I am not chasing a man, I am not letting a man rule me, I am focusing on me and my life instead of just romance. So I don't feel down that he didn't text. I don't want anything to happen with him. I don't want anything with anyone. And I'm actually quite content like that.
When there's too much build-up, talk-up or hype around something, it inevitably leads to disappointment. Not only that but so much drama is annoying and I think I am too old for it.
Admittedly a little part of me hoped for a text from mcsexy on nye. But I really wasn't surprised not to get one. I didn't send him one as I didn't want him to just assume his is 'in there'. And my overwhelming sense was of this is just too much game.
I know many women won't text a guy first but that's not me. I don't believe in playing games. If someone texts me - no matter who - I get back to them as soon as I can. So the will he won't he routine is tiresome.
The new year is the perfect time to set new rules for yourself. But the nicest thing is realising this celibacy is achieving its purpose. I am not chasing a man, I am not letting a man rule me, I am focusing on me and my life instead of just romance. So I don't feel down that he didn't text. I don't want anything to happen with him. I don't want anything with anyone. And I'm actually quite content like that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)