The strangest thing has happened. My libido has gone into hibernation. For the last 6 days I have had absolutely no urges whatsoever. Seen a few (reasonably) attractive men whilst wandering round town, noted their aesthetic beauty, and forgotten about it. Guy at work? Meh. Yeah he had nice eyes, but I realised he was just the best of a bad lot. The more I got to know him, the more I realised he wasn't good enough for me; still stuck in te uni lifestyle when he needed to grow up a bit. And it's dawning on me that I have no desire for a relationship right now.
The biggest realisation is that for me, the only person out there is me. I've never subscribed to the idea of Mr Right, only Mr Right Now. But of course as I change and what I want changes, Mr Right Now becomes MR Wrong. As shallow as that might sound in black and white, let me add in a few shades of grey.
Firstly, I love passionately and deeply. They become 'the one' when I am with them. I do whatever is necessary to make them happy, sometimes to the detriment of my career and my friendships. I envisage a whole life with them; commitment and a family.
I am usually devastated when it ends. Granted it is usually me that ends it, but it takes a lot to make me walk away, and so the heartbreaking decision that I can't keep going usually tears me up for a while.
Secondly, people change over time. Both I and my boyfriends changed. When you consider your twenties, and how you have changed over the past 2 years, it is inevitable that you are not the same person at the end of the relationship than at the beginning.
Thirdly, your shared experiences, triumphs and mutual disappointments shape you both and leave you altered. Sometimes things happen that you just cannot move past, or you feel so let down or betrayed that there is no recovery.
Therefore to me, it seems sloppy to plan your entire existence around another person. Sure, fall in love and make plans, but always have a backup for if it ends and you find yourself alone. And for god's sake do not depend on him for money, as so many do, because if he leaves you will have nothing and be saddled with the kids.
As for me, I'm happy enjoying my freedom and the fact that my life is my own again. Not to mention being able to do what I want. I've definitely come around to the benefits of singledom, and I have to say I'm loving it. So maybe that Mr Right Now of the future will be waiting a bit longer. WHo knows, maybe he's not even out there at all, and the first thing I buy after this year is over is a Rampant Rabbit.
But having already stuck to this for the better part of 2 months, I'd say there is a high likelihood of me making it a year. The scary thing is, writing that I got a suddent twinge of panic - "Oh no, I only have ten months of freedom left!" I guess that response shows what I am doing is the right thing for me. Happy days.
Showing posts with label freedom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label freedom. Show all posts
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
Friday, 7 October 2011
Monogamy - as outdated as wood?
So, as you may have gathered, I have come to the realisation that I need to grow up and stop leaning on men for support. That scares me, as I wrote something very similar 8 years ago. I know I have grown up a bit, but I'm scared I'm still the same person. IS it possible for personal development to stop for 8 years, when you're NOT addicted to drugs? And I'm annoyed with myself for how often I use 'but' in my writing; poor English skills Phoenix!
Not having a break from men for 10 years essentially means I have been in the same relationship for 10 years. No wonder my growth has stagnated. The guys have been interchangeable, but have I ever respected their differences and treated them as individuals, instead of just seeing them as 'they guy I am involved with'?
What I really find myself wondering tonight is, will I ever find a man who gives me everything I need, or am I destined to always want more than 1 person at a time? I don't believe in monogamy, but I do it because that's what the guy usually wants. A few times I have slipped, but I have tried to hide it from them to protect their feelings. It's not about lying, I'd love to admit to wanting an open relationship, but as many men know, saying that out loud is so hurtful to the person who only wants you. It doesn't mean you want them any less, its just saying you want to have freedom to engage with others. I wouldn't be hurt if I was told this, I'd applaud it - and possibly participate depending on how hot she was and if she was up for it (of course). But as I have discovered, there seems to be an unfortunate correlation between longevity of relationship and frequency of lovemaking. Maybe I get unsexier the longer I'm in a relationship, maybe they get more comfortable with me - but I need it often or I get bored. At least I have the courage of conviction to admit that. It may not be a classy thing to admit to, and it may not be socially acceptable, but I am being honest (and blogging under a username to keep things anonymous).
But my fundamental question is - What's wrong with seeking different things from different people? Maybe that's healthier - if we have more than one platonic friend, who we accept the flaws of, and friends to do different activities with, why do we expect one partner to encompass it all? Maybe we should try to be happy and stop waiting to be saved. Or maybe we should be more open-minded to the idea of multiple partners. Long as everyone uses condoms and respects one another, whats the problem with open relationships?
Perhaps I should have been born in the Sixties
Not having a break from men for 10 years essentially means I have been in the same relationship for 10 years. No wonder my growth has stagnated. The guys have been interchangeable, but have I ever respected their differences and treated them as individuals, instead of just seeing them as 'they guy I am involved with'?
What I really find myself wondering tonight is, will I ever find a man who gives me everything I need, or am I destined to always want more than 1 person at a time? I don't believe in monogamy, but I do it because that's what the guy usually wants. A few times I have slipped, but I have tried to hide it from them to protect their feelings. It's not about lying, I'd love to admit to wanting an open relationship, but as many men know, saying that out loud is so hurtful to the person who only wants you. It doesn't mean you want them any less, its just saying you want to have freedom to engage with others. I wouldn't be hurt if I was told this, I'd applaud it - and possibly participate depending on how hot she was and if she was up for it (of course). But as I have discovered, there seems to be an unfortunate correlation between longevity of relationship and frequency of lovemaking. Maybe I get unsexier the longer I'm in a relationship, maybe they get more comfortable with me - but I need it often or I get bored. At least I have the courage of conviction to admit that. It may not be a classy thing to admit to, and it may not be socially acceptable, but I am being honest (and blogging under a username to keep things anonymous).
But my fundamental question is - What's wrong with seeking different things from different people? Maybe that's healthier - if we have more than one platonic friend, who we accept the flaws of, and friends to do different activities with, why do we expect one partner to encompass it all? Maybe we should try to be happy and stop waiting to be saved. Or maybe we should be more open-minded to the idea of multiple partners. Long as everyone uses condoms and respects one another, whats the problem with open relationships?
Perhaps I should have been born in the Sixties
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)