Cold turkey kicks in

Have been doing this for less than a week.  Found myself flirting with a guy at work the other night on a work night out, and caught myself.  He was very cute, but a total player.  Rugby playing confident cheeky blonde boy, just my type.  Excused myself and went to the bathroom for a stern self-bollocking. 
Truth is, human interaction is extremely common, it happens all the time.  And it feels so wrong to be denying the possibility of something when we are taught, from infanthood, that Mr Right is waiting, if only we make ourselves look a certain way and behave in a certain manner to attract and keep him.  Having espoused the dangers of Disney and the sheer absurdity of depending on someone else to resolve your imperfections and 'complete' you, I have become aware that I, whilst not doing this to that degree, was essentially scared to be alone.

Being single is amazing.Its really nice to curl up with a book for hours in my sweatpants, or stay in on a Saturday night and have a bath with a glass of wine and a facemask.  I don't have to justify my smoking to anyone, nor make sure I shave my legs.  I don't have to put up with someone else's family or endure the football anymore. I can essentially do what I want, when I want to.  I am free.
Except being single really sucks.  I think when you're in a relationship you take it for granted that you have someone else's support, someone else's affection and time.  Obviously here I am referring to healthy relationships, not abusive ones.  I miss the intimacy. I miss the private jokes.  I miss the sex.  I miss being curled up in his arms on the sofa.  I miss the hours spent staring in each other's eyes, looking into his soul and seeing myself there.  I miss him spending 2 hours making me handmade pasta from scratch, and standng talking and kissing in the kitchen while he did it.  I miss the mutual friends being round our home and all laughing together, nights round the kitchen table while we shared the cooking and entertaining.  I miss going to restaurants together and keeping the waiter waiting because he keeps kissing me tenderly over the table.  I miss missing him.  I miss the anticipation of seeing him, knowing I am coming home to a giant hug and those magical arms which, when around you, make the whole world go away and everything seem right.  I miss how beautiful the world seems when you walk in the park or along the beach.  I miss the shared sunsets.  I miss the plans we had which will never now be realised, the dreams we had of things we would see do and discover together.  I ended it, but I still miss it all.  Just not the crap stuff. 

Wow.  Writing that was pretty cathartic.  I don't think I knew, until I just read that back to myself, how much I miss him.  So this imposed singledom is the best idea for me.  Celibacy as a definition usually refers to just sex, but in my case I am taking it to mean any kind of romantic involvement, so not even flirting with anyone.  It has to be this way and I am going to prove to myself I can do this and I do not need a man.