What a tangled web we weave...

Oh why is life so complicated?! Polite (awkward) conversation with N - at his instigation, probably to check I don't hate him and won't make it obvious in the office, heavy flirting sesh with guy I like (not witnessed woohoo; also rather arousing and exciting) and then giant hug from male mate colleague (innocent) interrupted by head of HR's pa. which I'm sure will get back to the rest of HR - who I suspect know about Tuesday. All in the space of an hour.  Ahhhhh!  My mates keep saying my love life is like a soap opera. It sooooo is. I just want it to be simple and easy - but when do we ever get what we want?!  I never thought my love life would be like this. When I look back on being 16, thinking about being 26, I envisaged myself happy but not settled down. I never expected to be recovering from a broken 'marriage' and living back with my parents. I was adamant I wouldn't date a coworker. Oops.  Looking at N today he looks really old. And I'm really not attracted to him. Maybe I am a bit of a guy when it comes to love these days. Or maybe I should actually recognise that everyone is unique and stop making sweeping male stereotypes. But recent events leave me inclined to make sociological assumptions. Maybe it's me? Who the fuck knows. But so far, no one seems to know. Let's keep it that way. I need to leave the little green men alone - too much personal crossing into the professional. But that's how it is here. Damnit.

Feminism empowered

Sod the men, now it's all about me. So, the online dating hasn't worked out. I'm too picky and I need the anticipation, the connection, to feel anything before and after a date.  The last 2 'natural's I have got involved with, are already in (supposedly) committed relationships. Which I was informed of AFTER they broke their vows. Whether I am the only time this has happened is beside the point. Given that I am now infuriated and disgusted with the male species, I have made a decision. I am done with dating. Now, I just want a fuck buddy. I'm done trying to see it from their point of view, trying to understand why they are unfaithful and empathise that they must be unhappy. No, maybe they just like sex. Whatever. It's back to 2D, flat, uninsightful analysis. They cheat. And I am NOT willing to be the vehicle that enables them.  I have no idea what awaits me at the office today. People saw us flirting Tuesday, but hopefully that's as much as they know. I really didn't want to get something started with him, it was purely physical. His pillow talk, trying to let me know about his life, and his failure to tell me he was engaged were really disrespectful to me. So fuck him. And like I said, he gets professional. And that's only for the sake of my professional reputation. Yes I'm a little hurt, but I didn't have to be. If he'd just stopped talking and got on with it I wouldn't have had to listen to his lies. It was supposed to be purely physical, but by lying and telling me about his family he made it something else. I'm not an idiot. And neither am I an addict. I'm like a surfer, seeking the ultimate wave. Or the ultimate night of pleasure. Like my (female) colleague said, I'm young free single and attractive. After years of crap sex with my ex, I'm getting what I want. And I don't care how selfish that sounds. So a fuck buddy, with zero conversation, would be perfect. And if anyone asks or says anything, I'll deny it all. Especially if it gets back to the gorgeous guy I have fancied for a couple of months now. Not that that will ever happen; he's too religious. He would not be a good prospect for a fuck buddy - definitely feelings there. Plus, we work together. But maybe I have to accept that chances are, I will get involved with someone I work with. 

Best laid plans of nice and men

I'm somewhat rather shy writing this post. But the point was honesty, and I therefore must be open.  I had sex with my colleague. At conference.  We were up late drinking and flirting, and he invited me back to his room.  It was good, and orgasmic, but not the best I've ever had. But then it's the best I've had in a long while. Mild flirtation has been slowly building between us for a couple of weeks, but I really didn't think anything would happen. I didn't even go to him last night, he came to find me and stayed around for hours. I sure as hell don't want a relationship, and perhaps I may have been a little blunt on this, but we have a mutual rule of not getting involved with colleagues. That went out the window. But I'm still rather into someone else at work, much as I try not to be, and I don't want him to find out. Not to mention how awful the office gossip would be.  The pillow talk was weird though. He started telling me about his family and personal life. I didn't really want to know, I was just enjoying it for the physicality. N seemed to either actually like me, or be trying to protect my feelings, but I was enjoying embracing the sexual tension and kissing him felt so good. (Although the pash rash has not been fun trying to cover today).And it's been a while since I met a guy whose top priority is female pleasure. I was a bit selfish I think, but I'm not concerned. I knew it wouldn't be repeated so I wasn't fussed about making him want more. When saw him today i realised I'm not really attracted to him, but he looked utterly hot dressed as a miner in blue coveralls for the fancy dress costume. Not my usual type but he pulled it off.  We were both adamant that no one else can know. I'll know when I walk into the office whether he's told anyone. I'll kill him if he has.  It was good, fun and enjoyable. But finding out from another colleague today that he is engaged has shredded the pleasure and made me angry. What the fuck was he doing?! Why did he risk all that for it?why do men do this? I would not have let last night happen had I known he had a partner.  Now I know, I feel like avoiding him and / or giving him a piece of my mind. But we said we'd be workmates. I'm just not truly sure whether we can go back to that.  I just want to put it behind me, but now I've learnt about his fiancé I'm not sure I can. I hate feeling like the guilty one in all this. And I'm pretty sure he was avoiding me as much as I was avoiding him today. Oh hell. This is why you should maintain your no colleagues rule Phoenix. But I really did enjoy my night of debauchery. It's just the morning after the night before.  It's not the sex that fucks you up, it's the fallout. 

The good behaviour manifesto

Standing in line for the coach to our destination, I realise just how big my organisation is. And how many beautiful men work here. A lot of them are gay, but still nice to look at. And it will be interesting to meet people from other offices. But this reinforces the need to behave and protect my professional reputation. Even though my horoscope said to go outside my comfort zone and have fun, as taking risks gives me an adrenaline rush. The fact that I really need to get laid is not helping. So I'm writing this as a declaration of good intent, and a reminder to myself to behave. But with work mandated fun impending, I really feel like throwing it all out the window and being a minx. It's been too bloody long. Maybe if I was in a relationship it would help. But I'm 9 months on from the worst night of my life, and that is a sobering reminder of the need to behave. I am no longer a wild child, I am an adult professional. 

Facebook then and now - or, time is a great healer (and FB lets you look back on another time)

Facebook is a wonderful invention.   It's interesting to see that 8 months ago, I was down and needed hugs and love, wondering if and when life would get better. Well, now it has. I have good friends, a wonderful loving supportive family, and a great permanent job. It could be a lot worse. It was a lot worse. And yes I'd like a man to complement it, but I don't NEED one. Massive difference. I'm no longer running away, seeking what I needed, in a man. I'm stronger, better and more in control of myself and my plans now. I can't control everything, and I will still get hurt. But the 6 months I gave myself to think have done me an inordinate amount of good.  Nothing is official unless it's on FB. And  I laughed when I was informed of what mcgeeky dickhead is up to next - he so won't cope. And I really doubt his mother will allow him to follow through on said plans. Plus what will happen to his flat?  Interesting how I thought he was so noble and full of integrity, yet he is now going somewhere he vowed not to go. Did he just say that to keep me sweet? Who can truly say. But we were not meant to be. And I really am glad it's over; we would have dragged each other down. I write this with no anger or bitterness; just calm reflection bred of retrospection.  I am glad he is on another continent though (at least for the next year) - it means I have the run of south England without worrying I'll run into him. I feel for him that his plans fell through, but then perhaps he should have taken his own advice and got out of the TEFL game. Or organised a job before he shelled out on flights to the other side of the world. Take a risk, yes. But riding bareback? Oh so dumb. Fool.  In some ways I miss what we had. Not the bullshit, the lies and the falsity. Not the ending or how ugly he became.  But I do miss the intimacy of quiet DVD n dominos nights, and the lengths he went to in the kitchen (and bedroom) for me. Did he love me? Who knows.  But it's an interesting reminder of that time; that when I went back to collect my stuff, it was still everywhere as though I'd never left. And he couldn't have bought a girl home in that time as it looked as though a couple lived there. Maybe he was like me in the self-confidence area, not quite capable of believing I deserve something so incredible. But like I said on FB back then, once the trust is gone, it's gone. And I am worth far more than him.  It's still interesting to look back on it though, as a barometer of how far I've come and how resilient I am.  And I will be loved again. I believe this. Not in a Disney-risqué way, but a calm inner certainty.  If a man as good as my first love can adore me, so can another. Someone right for me, who will treat me with the respect I deserve. I'm looking forward to meeting him. And in the meantime, I'm focusing on me, my education and my career. It's nice to be able to do that. Sat reading an academic textbook in a coffeehouse today, I reflected on the fact that I CAN.  And I am. Bloody marvellous. 

Another one bites the dust

So what is with my habit of deleting a guy's number? I think I just want to not drunk dial them, and see if they get in touch. And if they don't I can't get in touch with them.  Why am I so tied up by a guy because of his kiss? What does it mean and what am I going to do if I can't kiss him again?   I've deleted his number and I don't expect to hear from him again. Nice kissing isn't enough for me. And he seems sweet and decent, but I do want more than a typical uni relationship. I'm sorry he's having a tough time but I don't want to start something with dramas. And him having a child is not really something I think I can vibe with. Especially not if his ex is anything like the monsters on Jeremy Kyle. Maybe I was more attracted to him because he looks a lot like 2 of my exes? Who knows. But the lesson learned is twofold - kissing is not enough, and don't go on a date with someone who is hungover. Ever. 

Not quite going as planned...

So far I haven't quite managed the multiple dating as planned; they seem to come one at a time. Sure there's cross-over, but no two guys in one week.  The more downbeat and negative I've been before the date, the more I've had an enjoyable time with them.  But it just hasn't quite progressed. I've got as far as third date so far and I just can't get past that. But I'm being much more ruthless now and if they don't cut it, I cut them. Simples.  The guy who blew me off 2 hours before is back again. I surmise it's because he hasn't met anyone else. I find myself giving him short shrift and not saying much. So why does he keep contacting me? He says girls are only looking for one thing, but surely that's a 25year old male's fantasy? Perhaps I'm generalising. But then trying to get back in my good books by highlighting how different he is to everyone else just doesn't work either. I should ignore him. I've been advised by my friends not to meet him. But I gotta admit, I'm still intrigued....despite my no bullshit rule. Maybe it's because I know he works with my ex...that could be fun. But then how would I feel if he saw me after all these years and thought phew, lucky escape? He hurt me enough back then. And surely I'd worry they were talking about me... Paranoia is no fun. I'm beginning to think I get hurt by bastards, and then end up hurting the good ones, thereby hurting myself. So many mistakes. But I still have time to right them. It's about learning, growing and being the best person I can be.