The impending new year has me thinking about resolutions. We all make them, and usually all break them.
Lose weight, get fit, save money, stop smoking, get married, get divorced, take that trip... All very commendable goals. But the one thing I have learned these past 2 years is you have no idea what will happen in a day, let alone a year, and so you cannot plan for much. So I have hopes and ambitions for this year, and I will do my best to achieve them. And in my experience the bigger the list of goals, the more unlikely fulfilling them all are. Which only leads to disappointment and feelings of inadequacy.
I am going back to school. Whether a language class or an A-level, I am not yet sure. I certainly cannot afford a masters this year. But I miss education, I miss learning, I miss the thrill of reading academic texts and getting excited by them. Writing rebuttals to scholarly articles and analysing numerous sources. Spending hours discussing them with friends and having intellectual debates.
Maybe others can do it all - career, social life, relationship and study, but I am a woman of extremes and I cannot tolerate a half-arsed failing attempt at doing it all. And I have the self-awareness to recognise and acknowledge that in myself.
So this year, after the last 2 years of being all about others, I would like to be all about me.
Maybe that sounds selfish, but in my opinion it would be far more selfish to promise what I can't deliver and let people down.
Friday, 30 December 2011
Thursday, 29 December 2011
Santa and his presents
Ho ho ho. And a merry Christmas to all. Hope your holidays have been filled with love and laughter. Mine have.
I can genuinely say I am the happiest I have been in a while.
I am proud that I have neither overeaten or overdrunk this festive season. While the national average is a weight gain of 5 pounds, I have in fact lost 1. Perhaps that is a somewhat premature statement, but as I don't plan to drink on Nee Year's Eve I don't see it changing much in the space of 3 days, 2 of which I am working.
I have however been overindulging in 2 things. Textual flirtation, and thinking.
This festive season has given me a lot of food for thought.
Popular belief in Santa has two variants. In one, he has forgone marriage and family to devote his life to making the children of the world happy, and in the other he is blissfully wedded to mrs Claus. The elves are their extended adopted offspring and they all live together in jolly, gingerbread-scented obesity whilst manufacturing toys in a beautiful workshop all year round.
That's a nice story, but not a realistic portrayal of modern-day dating. Ignoring the health implications of their chosen lifestyle, as well as the idea of a woman happy to do nothing but please her man, the fact is life simply isn't like that.
A recent blog post by The wayward graduate certainly got me thinking. A very-well written and insightful exploration of what men may in fact truly want. But which rings several bells in my head - men prefer someone a bit simpler.
She conducted an experiment in online dating, in which she compared her own profile to a heavily edited one of herself, altered photgraphically and textually to make herself bimbo-esque. The bimbo received lots more messages. Thus proving the point that men like someone reasonably simple who they can have on their arm, who will laugh at their jokes, feed their egos and their bellies, and bend over backwards for them in the bedroom (both physically and metaphorically).
I am a complex individual. I cannot be put in a box or defined by a few simple adjectives. I too have been told I am intimidating, or at times that somewhat 'softer' word, feisty.
In my experience you get by in life by being strong, not curling up in a ball crying because of breaking a nail. And why on earth would I wish to perpetuate the female stereotype of feeble pathetic and emotional when such concepts are scorned? The women I am surrounded by are strong, courageous and passionate. That's definitely worth celebrating.
I know I am fiery and feisty. Lord knows my hair is bright enough. But these are not the only things about me. I too, like the wayward graduate, suspect that my public persona is somewhat scary to men. But rather than change who I am, play a role, I would rather be me and if a guy wants to get to know me then maybe he will be worth it. Put simply, if I am too much woman for him, he is not man enough for me.
I realise how that might sound. But being defensive is not my purpose here, this is just a statement of fact.
I meet guys. I meet a lot of guys. But it doesn't always quite get there. I suspect this is pretty common. The last 2 freely admitted they were drawn in by my passion, fire and independence. I suspect the Italian wasn't used to such things given the culture of women in his city. McGeeky Dick (formerly known as soul-scorcher) loved it but then tried to change me. Sod him.
Perhaps the men who can handle such women are either confident in themselves, or are nasty types who want to 'tame the bitch'. Who knows. But if you like someone when you get together, why the hell would you spend time trying to change them? The perennial question. But the real question is, what's the point in trying to be something you're not when the object of the exercise is to get close, love and be loved, for who you both are?
See link: http://waywardgraduate.wordpress.com/2011/12/27/plentyoffish-hall-of-shame-the-experiment/
And kudos to the wayward graduate - she has the courage to put her face to her blog while I hide behind the anonymity of a pen(blog?)name. The irony is I am actually quite private publicly, so I suppose I too have fallen into the trap of saying things on the Internet that one would not say publicly. But then being British, when do we ever discuss any such things in public public (excluding the pub)? To make myself feel somewhat better about this, I remind myself that in several mags there are the diaries of single women as they navigate the perils of dating in the urban jungle. Not that my little blog could hope to claim such readership levels - but I'm happy ticking along as I am.
And the other thing I have been doing - texting. Having thought I wouldn't see mcsexy again, and been extremely annoyed when a colleague lurched up to me drunkenly at the Xmas party and asked what was going on there as she had been 'reliably informed' we were getting together?! Two things love - one, is it any of your fucking business? Are we friends? Two - nothing had even happened! So admittedly I was rather surprised to get a text from him as he had got my number from a friend. Cue copious amounts of texting, including a few hours of extremely flirty ones.
But... 48 hours and 60+ texts exchanged, I'm a bit bored. I'm hoping he doesn't think of text as a valuable means to get a girl into bed. But I suspect his confidence means he's not too concerned with delivering the goods. Shame, because he talks a good game. And I'm sure we would have fun naked together. My imagination the last 48 hours has been very aroused and part of me thinks it would be fantastic.
But my suspicions that he is still stuck in the uni athlete mentality may prove correct. He ticks all the boxes but I don't think anything is going to happen. Nor am I totally sure I want it to. But I know I intrigue him and he likes being able to classify and define things.
I suspect I am something of a paradox. I want sex, but I want it to have more meaning than a hook-up. I definitely do not want a relationship, but neither do I want a fuck-buddy. And the idea of starting to date someone, then start sleeping together and both wondering where the hell this is going, is not a tempting prospect either.
Fearing that being single over Christmas would be gut-wrenchingly depressing, I have been pleasantly surprised to find it has been easier, and perhaps even more joyful. Compared to last year, when my ex and I were on the road to no recovery. And it is with full frankness I admit that having more money at this time of year has been enjoyable too. But the greatest thing about it is I have been able to do what I want, when I want. I have been able to go to all these parties and social events and not feel guilty or get crap about going. Which makes a pleasant change.
My ex wanted me to become a boring little housewife, and I did. But once that happened, he didn't like it.
I wanted mcsexy, and now I've had a few days of attention from him, I feel sated.
I guess when you get what you want, you stop wanting it. Or you realise it's not as shiny as it looked. But no matter - there are more things to life than sex!
Oh, and I realised who mr faceless is. Imagine my horror to walk into a family and friends do and see the man who does amazing things to you in your dreams smiling back at you. Nothing is going to happen there. I am adamant of that. And interestingly, I haven't dreamt of him again.
I can genuinely say I am the happiest I have been in a while.
I am proud that I have neither overeaten or overdrunk this festive season. While the national average is a weight gain of 5 pounds, I have in fact lost 1. Perhaps that is a somewhat premature statement, but as I don't plan to drink on Nee Year's Eve I don't see it changing much in the space of 3 days, 2 of which I am working.
I have however been overindulging in 2 things. Textual flirtation, and thinking.
This festive season has given me a lot of food for thought.
Popular belief in Santa has two variants. In one, he has forgone marriage and family to devote his life to making the children of the world happy, and in the other he is blissfully wedded to mrs Claus. The elves are their extended adopted offspring and they all live together in jolly, gingerbread-scented obesity whilst manufacturing toys in a beautiful workshop all year round.
That's a nice story, but not a realistic portrayal of modern-day dating. Ignoring the health implications of their chosen lifestyle, as well as the idea of a woman happy to do nothing but please her man, the fact is life simply isn't like that.
A recent blog post by The wayward graduate certainly got me thinking. A very-well written and insightful exploration of what men may in fact truly want. But which rings several bells in my head - men prefer someone a bit simpler.
She conducted an experiment in online dating, in which she compared her own profile to a heavily edited one of herself, altered photgraphically and textually to make herself bimbo-esque. The bimbo received lots more messages. Thus proving the point that men like someone reasonably simple who they can have on their arm, who will laugh at their jokes, feed their egos and their bellies, and bend over backwards for them in the bedroom (both physically and metaphorically).
I am a complex individual. I cannot be put in a box or defined by a few simple adjectives. I too have been told I am intimidating, or at times that somewhat 'softer' word, feisty.
In my experience you get by in life by being strong, not curling up in a ball crying because of breaking a nail. And why on earth would I wish to perpetuate the female stereotype of feeble pathetic and emotional when such concepts are scorned? The women I am surrounded by are strong, courageous and passionate. That's definitely worth celebrating.
I know I am fiery and feisty. Lord knows my hair is bright enough. But these are not the only things about me. I too, like the wayward graduate, suspect that my public persona is somewhat scary to men. But rather than change who I am, play a role, I would rather be me and if a guy wants to get to know me then maybe he will be worth it. Put simply, if I am too much woman for him, he is not man enough for me.
I realise how that might sound. But being defensive is not my purpose here, this is just a statement of fact.
I meet guys. I meet a lot of guys. But it doesn't always quite get there. I suspect this is pretty common. The last 2 freely admitted they were drawn in by my passion, fire and independence. I suspect the Italian wasn't used to such things given the culture of women in his city. McGeeky Dick (formerly known as soul-scorcher) loved it but then tried to change me. Sod him.
Perhaps the men who can handle such women are either confident in themselves, or are nasty types who want to 'tame the bitch'. Who knows. But if you like someone when you get together, why the hell would you spend time trying to change them? The perennial question. But the real question is, what's the point in trying to be something you're not when the object of the exercise is to get close, love and be loved, for who you both are?
See link: http://waywardgraduate.wordpress.com/2011/12/27/plentyoffish-hall-of-shame-the-experiment/
And kudos to the wayward graduate - she has the courage to put her face to her blog while I hide behind the anonymity of a pen(blog?)name. The irony is I am actually quite private publicly, so I suppose I too have fallen into the trap of saying things on the Internet that one would not say publicly. But then being British, when do we ever discuss any such things in public public (excluding the pub)? To make myself feel somewhat better about this, I remind myself that in several mags there are the diaries of single women as they navigate the perils of dating in the urban jungle. Not that my little blog could hope to claim such readership levels - but I'm happy ticking along as I am.
And the other thing I have been doing - texting. Having thought I wouldn't see mcsexy again, and been extremely annoyed when a colleague lurched up to me drunkenly at the Xmas party and asked what was going on there as she had been 'reliably informed' we were getting together?! Two things love - one, is it any of your fucking business? Are we friends? Two - nothing had even happened! So admittedly I was rather surprised to get a text from him as he had got my number from a friend. Cue copious amounts of texting, including a few hours of extremely flirty ones.
But... 48 hours and 60+ texts exchanged, I'm a bit bored. I'm hoping he doesn't think of text as a valuable means to get a girl into bed. But I suspect his confidence means he's not too concerned with delivering the goods. Shame, because he talks a good game. And I'm sure we would have fun naked together. My imagination the last 48 hours has been very aroused and part of me thinks it would be fantastic.
But my suspicions that he is still stuck in the uni athlete mentality may prove correct. He ticks all the boxes but I don't think anything is going to happen. Nor am I totally sure I want it to. But I know I intrigue him and he likes being able to classify and define things.
I suspect I am something of a paradox. I want sex, but I want it to have more meaning than a hook-up. I definitely do not want a relationship, but neither do I want a fuck-buddy. And the idea of starting to date someone, then start sleeping together and both wondering where the hell this is going, is not a tempting prospect either.
Fearing that being single over Christmas would be gut-wrenchingly depressing, I have been pleasantly surprised to find it has been easier, and perhaps even more joyful. Compared to last year, when my ex and I were on the road to no recovery. And it is with full frankness I admit that having more money at this time of year has been enjoyable too. But the greatest thing about it is I have been able to do what I want, when I want. I have been able to go to all these parties and social events and not feel guilty or get crap about going. Which makes a pleasant change.
My ex wanted me to become a boring little housewife, and I did. But once that happened, he didn't like it.
I wanted mcsexy, and now I've had a few days of attention from him, I feel sated.
I guess when you get what you want, you stop wanting it. Or you realise it's not as shiny as it looked. But no matter - there are more things to life than sex!
Oh, and I realised who mr faceless is. Imagine my horror to walk into a family and friends do and see the man who does amazing things to you in your dreams smiling back at you. Nothing is going to happen there. I am adamant of that. And interestingly, I haven't dreamt of him again.
A not-so-cold December
It's been an extremely interesting week. In the space of 6 days I went from having noone, to having several situations.
One, several colleagues trying to set me and another coworker up together. Easy to laugh off, but then once I realised he did actually care for me I felt bloody awkward. I'd love it if he and I could be friends but time will tell. The annoying thing is I feel really comfortable around him, like he truly gets me, but the problem is he's too lazy. Given my efforts to get my lazy ex moving and doing, I am not inclined to repeat the same mistake. But I don't want to hurt him.
Two, the perennial flirt. The colleague who is tactile, friendly and always has his group around him. It's nice he is so socially inclusive, but when I started getting texts from him after his nights out, I realised it was time to remind him that he does in fact have a girlfriend. Add to this the fact there is something going on between him and another colleague and that's a pickle I really don't want.
Three, mcsexy. Oh he is beautiful. But having initially thought he was gay, and thus been totally myself around him, I was pretty shocked to realise he was straight and flirting with me. Saw him a few times after that but nothing happened. But damn he awoke my libido!
So that's my update. A hell of a lot of crazy man-related stuff. But still not breaking the celibacy rule. I know the point of this was no man-stuff whatsoever, but realistically - how realistic was that?! If I interact with people, I will inevitably meet guys. It's my actions that count not my feelings. The purpose was to change my behaviour and I am definitely doing that. So perhaps I need to stop being so hard on myself.
One, several colleagues trying to set me and another coworker up together. Easy to laugh off, but then once I realised he did actually care for me I felt bloody awkward. I'd love it if he and I could be friends but time will tell. The annoying thing is I feel really comfortable around him, like he truly gets me, but the problem is he's too lazy. Given my efforts to get my lazy ex moving and doing, I am not inclined to repeat the same mistake. But I don't want to hurt him.
Two, the perennial flirt. The colleague who is tactile, friendly and always has his group around him. It's nice he is so socially inclusive, but when I started getting texts from him after his nights out, I realised it was time to remind him that he does in fact have a girlfriend. Add to this the fact there is something going on between him and another colleague and that's a pickle I really don't want.
Three, mcsexy. Oh he is beautiful. But having initially thought he was gay, and thus been totally myself around him, I was pretty shocked to realise he was straight and flirting with me. Saw him a few times after that but nothing happened. But damn he awoke my libido!
So that's my update. A hell of a lot of crazy man-related stuff. But still not breaking the celibacy rule. I know the point of this was no man-stuff whatsoever, but realistically - how realistic was that?! If I interact with people, I will inevitably meet guys. It's my actions that count not my feelings. The purpose was to change my behaviour and I am definitely doing that. So perhaps I need to stop being so hard on myself.
Monday, 26 December 2011
The man affect
I am confident, I am articulate and I am educated. I am a social chameleon who can talk to pretty much anyone in a variety of settings.
So why the hell do I turn into a wibbering tongue-tied wreck when I talk to guys? And when a guy texts me, why do I never know what to respond, try to be funny and end up feeling a right idiot wishing there was a recall button on texts?
I think I need to simply accept the fact that no men are into me - or the ones I want to be, are not. And the ones that do fancy me I don't fancy.
So with this fact in mind, my philosophy is altered thus - I will treat any guy like a girl and therefore get rid of the sex question.
From now on, I am asexual.
So why the hell do I turn into a wibbering tongue-tied wreck when I talk to guys? And when a guy texts me, why do I never know what to respond, try to be funny and end up feeling a right idiot wishing there was a recall button on texts?
I think I need to simply accept the fact that no men are into me - or the ones I want to be, are not. And the ones that do fancy me I don't fancy.
So with this fact in mind, my philosophy is altered thus - I will treat any guy like a girl and therefore get rid of the sex question.
From now on, I am asexual.
Monday, 12 December 2011
Tranquility
I want a drama free existence. But it is my experience that the higher the drama, the hotter the sex. Maybe something to do with anticipation and not getting what you want when you want it? Or maybe drama makes for better passion.
So my choice that I don't want drama is fine by me. I'm happy without a man - not that I've met one in months anyway! But it's much better for me and my life this way.
So my choice that I don't want drama is fine by me. I'm happy without a man - not that I've met one in months anyway! But it's much better for me and my life this way.
2nd December
I'm thinking about choices today. It's not our thoughts that define how we are seen or who we are, but out actions.
Working where I work, smoking is the biggest sin, and I feel like a dirty drug addict when I smoke anywhere near the office.
We choose to smoke, and then we have no choice once addiction takes hold. We know what it does to us, so why do we do it?
In my office I think it is less of a sin to date a colleague than smoke. But to me it is worse.
Working where I work, smoking is the biggest sin, and I feel like a dirty drug addict when I smoke anywhere near the office.
We choose to smoke, and then we have no choice once addiction takes hold. We know what it does to us, so why do we do it?
In my office I think it is less of a sin to date a colleague than smoke. But to me it is worse.
1st December
I'm horny as hell today and it's driving me nuts. I really don't want to be. It's been almost 4 months since I got laid and I'm craving it. Really craving it. To the point that it's becoming a distraction from work. I don't have enough to do at work this week, but that will change once my boss comes back from hol. It's not good that there are so many attractive guys at work. Floppyhaired and I keep meeting at the photocopier, completely coincidentally, but I'm not going there. He seems nice, but I want to reach for the stars with my next man, not settle for nice. If I'm going to invest in something I need to know it will be worth it, in every sense. Plus I work with him, so that's a total no-no. But I miss having a workplace flirtation.
But this burning suppressed fire is really not helped by my cold veggie sausages looking like limp dicks in my lunchbox. Couldn't eat them after that.
This is so frustrating. I have no idea why my libido has returned when it went dormant for a while. I really wish it would bugger off again so I can get back to my year of self-imposed celibacy.
But this burning suppressed fire is really not helped by my cold veggie sausages looking like limp dicks in my lunchbox. Couldn't eat them after that.
This is so frustrating. I have no idea why my libido has returned when it went dormant for a while. I really wish it would bugger off again so I can get back to my year of self-imposed celibacy.
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