With my girls and my gays, do I really have time for a guy?

My calm, cool demeanour, tough shell and ability to remain focused yet approachable under fire is one of the things I pride myself on.  I am a natural-born leader, always willing to think of others and consider all the possible outcomes from any particular course of action.  I appear unflappable, confident and in control.  But I have a confession to make.  I have no idea what on earth I am doing in the dating arena.  Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of experience, lots of great (and not-so-great) stories, a wealth of tips and plenty of advice for my friends when they come to me.  But the truth is, when it comes to dating, I am somewhat inexperienced.  Most of my frissons, flings, fumbles, fuck buddies and forevers have been random meetings, commonly through friends of friends and work colleagues.  Apparently this is not a shocker.  Given that we spend more time at work than at home, it is natural to meet someone there.  And as our friends want their variant mates to get along (easing awkward social scenarios), it makes sense to hang out with someone whom you already have something in common.  So I have never really been in a scenario where I have dated, especially not casually and non-exclusively. 

My friend, who I shall refer to as B, has been my lifeline throughout this process.  From coming to terms with the fact that the London dating scene is primarily online (although that said I met 2 guys in the space of 5 weeks), to helping me know what to say and do, he has been an utter godsend.  Without him I would have thrown in the towel again and gone back to celibacy for definite.  But, I am pretty sure I have been driving my poor friend mad with my questions about it all.  Because not only am I new to online dating, but I am actually new to dating full stop.  So I don’t know how it goes.  I don’t know what the rules are, I don’t know what’s acceptable and what’s not - Google has some good advice but let’s face it, I’ve never been one for really following the rules, and doing so seems somewhat anathema and alien to me.  So B is my sounding board.  I ask him what a guy means by a text, what his intentions were when he leaned in for the goodnight kiss, what I should wear.  Where I should suggest for the first date, should I see him again, how soon should I sleep with him.  How soon should you be meeting his friends, what does it mean if he spoons you after sex, does love at first sight exist, how can a guy be an Adonis but a crap shag, bla di bla di bla.  It’s exhausting, and of course it can’t be much fun to hear.  I do try to listen as much as I talk, and the irony is that our romantic experiences seem to mirror one another, at exactly the same time.  Which does help, but it’s a bit daunting – if one of ours is going well and the other isn’t its our shared experience that the one going well goes down the pan.  So we both hope for success.  But sat in the café over lunch yesterday, we made a group of (straight) middle aged men laugh at our stories, and our realisations that we seem to share the same love life.  I met a married guy, he found out his new squeeze was married with kids and a boyfriend.  He slept with what seemed to be a nice guy who later transpired to have issues – so did I.  And we both react the same way when the guy we like texts.  We both would rather be single than with Mr Wrong.  These things, which may sound trivial, are actually fundamentally important.  But it is strange when your love life is a mirror of your friend’s. 

B has, to all extents and purposes, become my default boyfriend.  He is wonderful, always knows what to say, and knows me.  I am comfortable with him, can (and do) discuss anything with him, and feel like I can just be myself.  Happily there is no sexual tension or danger of us hooking up, as he is gay.  Which makes him the perfect guy – not only is he great as a friend, but he understands both what I want and what men are up to.  When talking to him this evening, I realised that although I have been somewhat neurotic of late (given an overwhelming attraction to a drunken sailor I have nicknamed Popeye) I am not necessarily looking for a relationship, as I pretty much have one with quite a few of my friends.  I am not looking for a man to overtake or supersede that, but to be a pleasant addition with whom I can explore the romantic side of London.  And of course have amazing sexual chemistry with.  Except…. The reality is not quite the same.  Not only do you have to meet someone and make that connection, but you have to maintain it.  Hence the dramas which can make a cool, calm and collected woman turn into a clichéd ‘female’, and have her forwarding texts to her exasperated friends asking ‘did he mean this or did he mean this?  What do I say in reply?’ Lord knows I don’t want to be that woman, so why do I let a guy do that to me?  Because there’s something about a little passion that gets under the skin.  And I just don’t understand men.  But I don’t feel a man would fill in a gap in my life…. Well maybe in my bed.  But I’m not looking for completion.  

So, to any guys out there who may be reading this, I would respectfully request that you behave like a gent, call when you say you will, and don’t play mind games.  Also a little bit of clarity over text would be helpful, given that you can’t discern tone, intent or anything else.  And make the effort to get along with your other half’s friends – unless one of them tries to seduce you, chances are if there’s a choice to be made, you’ll be the one pushed out.

Cupid blows

The point of the blog was to document my year of celibacy. That's gone right out the window. I get bored and can't stick to things.  I'm having a major boredom day. I could dress it up as an existential mid-twenties crisis, and maybe there could be something in that, but the truth is I'm bored. I miss passion. I miss excitement. I miss arousal and anticipation. In short, it's been bloody months since I had a decent, sober shag and I'm ridiculously sexually frustrated. I've had quite a bit of action and excitement the last 5 weeks, but nothing that's made me go wow! Nothing as good as the sex I had last summer. Boo...  My date last night asked me if I would date a colleague. I replied that I wouldn't anymore. He then gave me a specific scenario, and again I replied in the negative. But just because I wouldn't actually do it, doesn't mean I can't enjoy the thought of it (thoughts vs actions a somewhat common theme) - and there are some real stunners at my office. Dammit!  Yet I have learned many a time that anticipation is a killer and leads to disappointment and unsatisfaction. Who wants that?! So I really am better off single.  Another bonus is not having to worry about Valentine's Day. Yes I know that's what all the bitter and sceptical people say to comfort themselves being alone on this 'blessed' of lovers' days, but I'm happy about it given that I'm skint. No worrying and wondering whether my beloved will send me flowers at work. No more comparing my relationship to that of my colleague. Valentine's Day is inevitably never what it 'should' be. This realisation has prompted the thought that disappointment and pressure reign supreme on Valentine's Day.  But dear god I really could do with getting laid today...

True perfection has to be imperfect

Before, I could only listen when my friends described dates that left them cold. I couldn't relate to it, because I had never experienced it. Dating wasn't my m.o. for getting in a relationship. My style was more develop something with someone, whether a colleague or a friend or a fof (friend of a friend), and start to get involved.  Usually with a lot of alcohol, music and soul-searching.
Since I've started this online dating malarkey, I can now relate to what they meant when they said they had a good time, but felt nothing for them. So far the tally stands at one crap date - on a spectrum, wasn't really crap, but boring and like a therapy session, and compared to how bad it could have been, wasn't crap at all.  Today's date was technically perfect. We discussed politics and Russian literature over coffee, before walking along the Southbank to the Tate Modern. He dressed just the way I like, is very intelligent and ticked all the boxes.
So what the hell is wrong with me that I couldn't stop thinking about Popeye? Why on earth would I be thinking about him when I have Mr Perfect making me laugh in one of my favourite places in the world?
I could surmise that it's because I slept with him, but this is not the case. I have had sex before and not felt anything (Mcsexy being the most recent example) so I know it's not that. Somehow, he just got under my skin. Which is not what I had planned, nor I desired.
The truth is right now I want to be single, dating casually and having a laugh. I'd even be happy if the guys I met became mates and we hung out. What the heck, it shouldn't be a case of romance or bust. At least not for me. And if you get on but there's no spark, friendship is an excellent alternative. Friends are more important than lovers anyway.
But I don't want friendship with Popeye. I want HIM. Even though I could never be truly happy with him, or imagine taking him home.
The most bloody annoying aspect of it is I'm cross with myself for binning Popeye so quickly when he wasn't good enough for me and my friend was right that I deserve better and should walk away. We have nothing in common, it won't last - especially with our mutual trust issues - and he's not right for me. So why the hell does it feel that he's the right one for me? It's not about the drama, that was somewhat irritating, and given that I only ended it 2 days ago I seriously doubt that I'm viewing it retrospectively with rose-tinted glasses. Maybe the freshness of it is what's screwing with my head... Or maybe we are all wrong, and you cannot necessarily reconcile your head's logical requirements with your heart's feelings. Whatever, I don't want a fixer-upper, someone to heal and support. I want confident, self-assured, tall, well-endowed. None of which apply to Popeye.
I was talking to my friend the other day about it, the lunchtime of the day I was due to see him. I mentioned the episode of SATC where Charlotte is telling her friends about Harry and why they shouldn't be involved, how he is everything she hates - but "it's the best sex of my life. I think I might really like him". Popeye wasn't the best sex of my life, but when we kissed the world melted away. Fuck.
This brings me back to my theory that love and lust are intertwined, that women are messed up when it comes to relationships (bloody Disney) and that we rarely do what is best for us. With this in mind I am forcing myself to do the right thing.
I know walking away is the right thing to do, but the truth is I agree with what he said to me that first night - "I knew you were the one when I first saw you". I haven't told anyone he said that as it sounds a bit creepy, but our first date didn't feel like that, it felt really natural, as though we had known each other forever. And I guess that's what has gotten under my skin.  And the fact that he has gotten under my skin, is exactly why I shouldn't see him again. Because I don't need to fall in love right now. And I don't need a man who is still hurting from his ex's infidelity freaking out at the idea of loving me.  So I'm going to keep dating until I forget about him.
Rather ironically, as soon as I finished writing this, he text me to apologise! But he agrees he needs more time.  So at least it's not left as hatred. My resolution to myself and the lessons I learned from celibacy still stand. I will not let him become another Thatch.
And actually, having written this and spoken to him, I feel a hell of a lot calmer. Mission accomplished.

Oh goody, Hallmark's profits set to rise again. Yes folks, it's almost Valentine's Day

I love snow, always have.  So the opportunity to run around in it like a little kid was one I could not pass up.  After a few minutes, I turned around to survey the mess I had made of the pristine garden.  I saw that somehow, one of my footprints had gone over a previous one, and made a perfect heart shape.  I stood there for a moment, wondering what it could mean; whether it had some profound depth….and then stomped on it.  It was just two footprints.  Had I and my significant other made it together whilst running around the park fooling with the snow, perhaps it would have meant something.  But let’s not get over-indulgent Phoenix.  It was just something that happened. 

In the winter people feel the loneliness of singlehood much more keenly.  In the summer there is more possibility, the chance to meet someone and have something wonderful with them by Christmas.  Autumn is the time when the fun of the summer starts to pass, change and evolve into something deeper and more meaningful – or not, as I and my friends have discovered to our regret.  And as if winter were not bad enough with the cold weather, financial struggles in January (the longest month) and nothing to look forward to after the excesses of the festive season, along comes V-Day. 

With Valentine’s Day looming the great divide between the haves and have-nots becomes palpable again.  Both sides struggle with this holiday.  Those involved wonder whether a gift is too big / too small / not expensive enough, and is it too soon to celebrate Valentine’s Day together?  Will they get me anything?  Will they be as romantic as I want? So many questions.  This of course is juxtaposed with the have-nots, who either offer up a silent prayer that they don’t have to partake in this madness, or bemoan their Bridget Jones-style love lives to their friends. 

So given the questions, comments and conversations I have been involved in recently, I am going to share my guide to Valentine’s day.  Whilst my dating history has been a very interesting one, these questions to myself have got me through this event for the last 10 years when I have been involved with someone new.

How into me is he really?  This can be broken down into sub-questions:  Who instigates communication most?  Are his texts / calls self-involved or real dialogue? How often do we meet up?  Does he seem to be hiding something or pulling away?  A large Valentine’s gift will pile on the pressure and probably make him run if he is already a flight risk.  Has he said anything which makes me believe he wants this to be a relationship?  Unfortunately Valentine’s Day is not a celebration for Friends with Benefits.  All that said, if love has already been mentioned, it’s safe to assume a card (at the very least) is ok.

What does he expect from Valentines?  Does he see it as the opportunity to treat his lady, or is it a fabricated event designed to line the pockets of chocolatiers and card-makers? Does he want to celebrate it, or just be quietly together?  Does he have to work that night?

What income bracket is he on? I can’t expect something expensive if he earns less than me.  Likewise if he is much more financially independent than I am, he should know not to expect anything ostentatious because I cannot afford it – and so soon after Christmas?!

And finally, remember – it’s not about how much he spends, it’s about the thought.  Valentine’s Day, as much as it is a nice idea, should be had every day.  Why have just one day a year where you celebrate your love and treat each other with respect, when you can do that every day.  Personally speaking, I’d take a romantic walk in the park in the snow over a Valentine’s Day teddy, chocolates and card any day.